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52 Jokes

I just read that someone in NYC gets stabbed every 52 seconds

Poor guy

An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge. He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot.

"Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!"

The bomber pilot replies, "Oh, yeah? Let's see you do this!" and kee...

I've been clean for 52 days now.

It's weird to shower everyday but at least I got the heroin to cope with it.

What do you call 52 slices of bread?

A deck of carbs!

Police: "Why did you kill those 52 people?"

Driver: "I was going downhill and my brakes weren't working, I had to hit myself against something to stop.

There were 2 cliffs, one with 50 people in front of it and one with 2.

I decided that getting two people killed is better than killing 50 so I went towards them.

And then ...

I just read in the news that tons of Americans are sending their old clothes to poor people in Africa.

Seems like a waste of time in my opinion. I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.

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NSFW At the restaurant, everyone kept calling me a pedophile just because I'm 52 and my wife is 22......

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary dinner.

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

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Male Sex Drive Through The Ages

Between 16 and 32: Tri-weekly

Between 33 and 52: Try weekly

52 and up: Try weakly

Like a lot of men my age..

I'm 52.

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

I searched google for "how to start a large fire"

52,000 matches

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

I went to a pharmacy and asked for 50 condoms.

There were 2 girls behind me who started laughing. I turned around and looked them straight in the eyes and said, "make that 52".
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Now both of them have condom balloons :D

A cop found a black guy dead and shot 52 times

The worst case of suicide he has ever seen

I took the number 25 instead of the 52 today thanks to my dyslexia

Whoops, wrong bus

An F-111 was flying escort with a B-52 and generally making a nuisance of himself by flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The message for the B-52 crew was, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

Not to be outdone, the bomber pilot announced that he would rise to the challenge.

The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level, however.

Perplexed, the fighter pilot asked, "So? What did you do?"...

In online chatting,if a girl says she is 18,she is probably 16

If she tells she is 16,she is probably 14

If she tell she is 14, He is probably 52

It’s amazing that we got a picture of a supermassive black hole 52 million light years away from us...

Maybe, one day we can get a full picture of your mom.

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Damn girl are you the green fish from Spongebob season 2, episode 20: Sandy, Spongebob, and the Worm, at exactly 21:52?

Because I'm gonna eat that ass.

So I had an interview last year

The interviewer: You answers should be quick
Me: Ok
Interviewer: what is 1490/52?
Me:quick

Last year 52 Americans were shot by people who barely speak english, have no marketable skills, and are prone to angry outburst based on their views...

...toddlers are the worst.

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The very first joke I ever came up with (eight years old)

Q: What’s at the bottom of Bass Lake?

A: Bass turds.

......

Now that I’m 52, the aftermath is actually funnier than the joke. I told the neighbor kid, who told his little brother, who told his mother, who told his father, who told my father, who angrily explained to me what a ba...

My girlfriend and I went out to a restaurant last night, and some of the other diners started calling me a 'paedo' and a 'cradle snatcher.' All because I'm a 52 year old man with a 21 year old girlfriend.

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary meal.

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

Some Taliban members are playing bingo, but stop when someone yells:

B-52

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Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!"

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 
"...

How do you clear a North Korean bingo hall?

B 52

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Satan challenges God to a basketball game, so God puts together a choice team from heaven and goes down to hell.

When they come back to heaven, it's with shocking news: they lost the game 52 to 140!

The Virgin Mary is stunned, "How could you possibly lose the game with a team like yours?! Didn't you have the best saints, the most generous souls, the philanthropists and Jesus himself??"

"Yes," fum...

I always skip the gym the first week of the new year

I can’t deal with the crowds.

I also skip weeks 2 - 52 of the new year but still looking for an excuse for those.

After the Russian election Putin meets with his staff

Staff: “Sir Comrade Vlad, we have got good news and bad news for you.”

Putin: “I’m not scared of bad news, I’ve wrestled bears, tigers and a small rhino with my bare Russian hands. Hit me!”

Staff: “Your opponent got 51% of the votes.”

Putin: “That is terrible news! What on earth...

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

A group of old friends met at a resort for their annual vacation.

They had a long-standing tradition of sharing jokes with each other. They’d been doing this so long that they just assigned numbers to the jokes to make it easier to tell them.

Someone would shout out “24” or “13” and everyone would laugh.

This went on for a long and then one person y...

What's the fastest way to break up a bingo game in North Korea?

B-52! B-52!

Secret of a successful marriage!

An old man married for 52 years was asked by his neighbor about the secret for his successful marriage.

The old man stated that on the night of his marriage, he and his newly wed bride had decided that if one of them ever got angry with the other, they would settle the issue peacefully.
...

Who are the fastest readers

9/11 victims they went through 52 stories in 30 seconds

A guy asked a pharmacist for a box of 50 condoms behind the counter.

Two cute girls who were standing behind him giggled. The guy turned and looked the girls in the eye and still talking to the pharmacist said Make it 52.

Right before colliding with an iceberg...

The captain of the Titanic got ready to make an announcement:
"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Fun fact, this ship weighs about 52 thousand kilograms. I'm gonna let that sink in..."

The bellboy at this hotel must be keen for his tips...

...I asked him to fetch me a deck of playing cards and it took him 52 trips to get them to me.

I've gotten really good at counting cards

There's usually 52.

If you punched a random Brit today...

There would be a 52% chance they deserved it.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

1 in 52 million has the chance at becoming a human being.

Useful Metric Equivalents

* 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
* 1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
* 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
* 52 = 1 decacards
* 1/2 lavatory = 1 demijohn
* 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
* 435.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
* 10 rations = 1 decoration
* 10 m...

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My friend works at a brothel...

One day a japanese man came in. He said: 'I will pay you double for an hour, but I will get an orgasm about 52 times. When I do I go outside take a quick break and come back.' My friend agrees and the man pays two times the normal prices.

The man goes up and in less then 60 seconds he comes d...

Kerala was the first indian state where Hindus got converted to Christianity

Saint Thomas, who was one of the disciples of Jesus Christ visited Kerala in 52 AD.

How did St Thomas convert Keralites to Christianity ?

St Thomas said, "Jesus healed the sick ".
People didn't believe .

He said, "Jesus died for you".
People said "Oh pl...

They polled Britons on their favorite Jane Austen novel

52% prefer Pride & Prejudice to Sense & Sensibility

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15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

Buying condoms. (x-post r/iamgoingtohellforthis)

A man was at the pharmacist and asks the lady for 50 condoms, 2 little girls behind him started giggling, he looked back and said to them straight in the eye's ''better make it 52''.


[credits to this guy](http://i.imgur.com/gCrxs.jpg)

The human brain is an amazing organ.

It keeps working 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and 52 weeks
a year, from before you leave the womb, right up until you find religion.

You know how you play Iranian bingo?

A-10, B-52, F-22, C-130

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

The presidential footrace

Recently, Obama completed the annual race around the White House grounds to attempt to beat the previous president's record. After his stunning performance, he ended up with a time of 9:52, narrowly missing the record. Unfortunately, he soon learned that Bush did 9:11.

Two men are playing golf near a country road...

When they see a funeral procession go by. One of them stops playing, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The other says "thats very decent of you, to stop playing and pay your respects." The first one responds "Well I'd think so; we were married for 52 years."

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The shepherd and the consultant

A shepherd is tending to his flock without a worry in the world as suddenly a sports car screeches to a halt next to him, out jumps a well dressed man saying "Hello shepherd, if I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, I may take one?"

The shepherd shrugs and the man starts to fi...

Obama, his wife and Oprah

Obama, his wife, and Oprah were all flying to DC on a private jet. Obama goes "you know, I could throw a one-thousand dollar bill out the window and make someone very happy!" Then his wife said "well speaking of which, I could throw 10 hundred dollar bills out thewindow and make 10 people very hap...

Husband and Wife go to a live stock show...

...and are passing through the bull section when they go up to a bull with a sign that indicates that the bull mated 12 times last year.

The wife says, "Honey, that's at least once a month. See, you could take a lesson from him." The husband doesn't say anything and they keep going to the nex...

Did you hear about the mathmatician's wife?

It all started when they got married. She sat down on the couch every single day, and screamed at him for not cleaning the house, doing the laundry, or washing the dishes while she was watching TV.

Of course, such a static lifestyle only makes you less healthy. So after a while, she grew fatt...

A man ends up in prison and makes friends with his cellmate.

After a couple months of being harassed and bothered as it par for the course in a minimal security prison, he's sitting in his cell with his cell mate. From a floor down he hears someone yell, "NUMBER 37." Everyone within earshot is dying of laughter. His cellmate yelled out, "NUMBER 52!!" Everyone...

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New weights and measures

1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

5. Weight an evangelist carries with Go...

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club

After a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.

Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.

One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues: (H – Husband, W – Wife)

H – “Hello?”

W – “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”
...

A scientist friend of mine went to a meeting

This meeting was for the U.S. Army to start training and using more types of animals in
combat. He goes to the meeting because they think he can help train the animals. When he gets to the building, he asks the receptionist where the meeting is. She replies that the meeting is on floor 101 and t...

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