58 Jokes - 38 Hilarious 58 Jokes

What is the difference between girls aged:8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58 and 68?

At 8 – You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 – You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 – You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 – She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 – You tell her a story to avoid going to bed....

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Apparently someone in London is stabbed every 58 seconds.

Poor bastard.

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...

He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he...

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What do you call a 58 year old man that has sex with a 9 year old girl?

The Prophet Muhammad.

My grandpa destroyed 38 planes in WW2, killed 58 Germans.

Literally the worst mechanic of the Luftwaffe

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"

The silver-haired Marcie...

A lawyer goes to heaven

St Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks "Are you sure it is my time? I'm not that old?"

St Peter says "What do you mean? You're 86 years old."

The lawyer says "No I'm not...I'm only 58. Why do you think I'm 86?"

St Peter says "Well, we just ...

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My wife and I had sex for 3 straight hours last night…

We did some role playing. I played the doctor, she played the patient who was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 58 minutes.

Three vampires were arguing about who's the fastest.

The first said, "See that village? I can kill all of the people there in 5 minutes"

The other two agreed to time it and he sped off, coming back in 4 minutes covered in blood.

The second vampire said, "See that town over there? I can kill all the people there in 2 minutes." and sped o...

Dad's ordering a pizza at 11:58 in 1 B.C

Jesus Christ you're a millenia late.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

A 75 yr old Billionaire came to the Bar with his gorgeous 25 yr old wife!

Friend: "How did you convince her to marry you?"

Billionaire: "I lied about my age!"

Friend: "You said 58?"

Billionaire: "No! I told her I was 90"

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If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

My wife of 58 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it.

He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Ferrari."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"...

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Having too much sex can cause memory loss!

I read it on page 34, line 15 in a medical journal on may 23, 2009 at 11:58 AM .

What did 50 do when he got hungry?

A woman goes into Discount Fishing Supplies to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday....

She doesn't know which one to get, so she just picks one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on...

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My wife told me our sex life is like Usain bolt when he runs…

In the sense that I finish in 9.58 seconds

What happens when 50 Cent eats his food?

58.

Fifty ate.

Okay I’ll just see myself out.. sorry.

Chinese takeout: $11.95

Gas to get there and back: $2.58

Getting home and realizing they forgot one of your containers: Riceless

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

The Truth About Managers

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: :Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below says: “Yes. Y...

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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.

edit: wow this blew up overnight! How do I flair this as racist?

edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

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It's 4:58PM and there's a good chance the receptionist at work wants to have sex with me

Either way I'm getting off in 2 minutes

I'm the worst student in my statistics class

I got a 58% on my last test and cheered.

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

A man goes to prison...

The first night he is in prison he hears someone yell out, "58!" and everyone in his cell block bursts out in laughter. The next morning at breakfast he asks another prisoner why everyone laughed when someone yelled "58". The other prisoner said that the same jokes get handed around and end up being...

Bob and the nudist colony

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

On his first day, he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and Bob immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says, “Sir, did you call...

A man stumbles upon a group of Redditors

One yells out 58 and they all start giggling. The man is puzzled and asks them what's so funny.

A Redditor tells him that they know all the jokes and instead of telling them, they just say the numbers assigned to the joke and they all remember it and laugh.

The man turns to the reddito...

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The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

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Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex (i.e. right now);

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing;

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex;

FACT: A few less fortunate are reading emails & web postings;

You hang in there!

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A chance to win money

A man walks in a bar and sees that there is a bucket of money above the bar and there is a sign on it that reads chance to win. The man ask the bartender how? The bartender says you have to do three things, drink a 4 foot bottle of whiskey in 5 mins, there is a 250lb pitbull in the back, and he has ...

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My favorite medical joke

A radiologist, internist, surgeon and pathologist go duck hunting for the first time together. Huddled in their duck blind, they see their first bird in the distance take flight but don’t want to shoot something not in season. They quickly debate the best way to assure it’s truly a duck.

...

A man is being interviewed for a job (Long)

-What do you drive right now sir?

-An old food truck

-Well, if you are hired here you'll be driving a brand new BMW; Now, where do you live?

-In an old house in a dangerouse part of the city

-Well, if you are hired here, you would be livin in a three story mansion in the ...

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A woman goes to church for confession...

A perfect 10/10, one of the most beautiful women in the world.

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.”

“What sins will you be confessing today, my child?”

“I cheated on my husband with another man.”

The priest, still a virgin at age 58, loses all sense of decency as an ide...

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True story at a funeral. This is a story rather than a joke, but there's a funny part.

This probably belongs in r/funny but I'm posting it here because in my reddit experience, those folks have a very narrow sense of humor (Leno/Foxworthy type stuff) - and I wanted to give a bit of a laugh to people.

I also apologize to more sensitive readers because this is a story relating to...

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Donkey Balls

Adam and his wife were taking a walk in the desert, just outside a city, to pass time. After having walked a little while, the couple wanted to check the time, out of curiosity, but Adam had forgotten his wristwatch back at the hotel.

They noticed a frail old man, sitting by his donkey in the...

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