Why was 38 best friends with 39?

Because 38 had 39, for tea.

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Did you hear Magnum is coming out with a special edition Grinch condom (nsfw)

It's for 39 and a half foot poles

As a 39 old guy, I felt proud for coming up with this joke. (My 8-yr old ugggghhhhh'ed at it)

Q: Why did fifteen (15) started running away?

A: Coz he heard "thirteen fa(u)rtin.."

^(PS: You have to say it) *^(just)* ^(right)

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

Kids

Scene: With a patient in my medical exam room

Me: How old are your kids?

Patient: Forty-four and 39 from my wife who passed away, and from my second wife, 15 and 13.

Me: That’s quite the age difference!

Patient: Well, the older ones didn’t give me any grandkids, so I ...

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

Eat at Steve's

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.
...

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Noah's diary: Day 39

Unicorn pie is fucking delicious!

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black ...

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

If 38 comes before 39, what comes after 40?

back pain

My DNA results came back 39% German, 27% Irish, 19% Beagle and 15% Pug.

Turns out my dog licked my sample.

A guy wants a divorce. He tells the judge "I cant take it anymore she's out going from bar to bar every night way past midnight"

The judge responds "what's she doing"

The guy says "looking for me"

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Hitler shook jesse owens hand at the '39 olympics.

Meanwhile our president couldn't even be bothered to stand up.

A blonde was walking through the woods...

... when she saw a brunette on some train tracks. She watched her for a few minutes, trying to understand what she was doing. The brunette was hopping from one track to the other, saying "38, 38, 38..."

After a little while, the blonde decides to join the brunette, hopping from track to track...

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Top 3 most unattainable liquids in the universe

3. Extracted deathstalker scorpion venom, costing no less than $39,000,000 per gallon. Truly an enormous sum, even for the wealthiest of wealthy.

2. The wine from the holy grail, necessitating a hazardous journey to both life and limb, and discernable only to the purest of heart.

1. *T...

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blonde with big tits

A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



The bartender says Yep that's them.



So the guy walks over and says Wow this i...

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A man and an ostrich walk into a bar...

The man asks for a beer and the bartender obliges.

"Ahem," says the ostrich. The bartender looks up at it. It nods its head at the beer in front of the man and says, "I'll have the same." Bartender shrugs and gets a second beer for the bird.

After a few hours of drinking in silence, th...

A Step by Step Guide on How to Fall Down the Stairs

Step 1

Step 2

Step 4

Step 9

Step 17

Step 23

Step 39

Good Doctor

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor
of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in
his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come
and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage..

"He...

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

The stone has been rolled away for 38 days and Christ continues to chill with his buds.

God calls from the heavens, “it is time.”

But Jesus and his friends can’t hear over all the partying etc

On day 39, same thing. “Son, come sit by my right hand in heaven.

Still nothing.

On the 40th day, God hears that the music is especially loud and knows he’ll likely b...

I am disgusted by the youth of today....

Let me start by saying my girlfriend is 20 years younger than me. I am 39 and my girlfriend is 19, the amount of abuse I got from a group of teenagers inside the restaurant was nothing short of vile.....comments like “PEADO” “NONCE” “KIDDY FIDDLER”

It totally ruined our 10 year anniversary...

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?


T: I just want to start investing for college?


B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.


T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?


B: I gave you $15.43...

I got called a peadophile today

Im 39 and my girlfriends 19, we are not bothered about the age gap but it’s horrible when your in a restaurant and someone called you a ‘peado’ and a child groomer when your trying to enjoy your meal.


Completely ruined our 10 year anniversary.

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Is the world ready for ejaculating clocks?

I guess we'll know when the time comes.

Sarcasm

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips with the concept of sarcasm.
"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?" and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it gr...

What's the Gettysburg address?

39°49'03.3" N 77°13'54.7" W

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

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A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment complex on his own. He proudly went down to the foyer to put his name on his mailbox.

While he was there, a stunning young blonde came out of the apartment and walked down to the mailboxes, wearing only a bathrobe.

The young man smiled at the woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked......her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had noth...

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My favorite sex position is call the wow....

Its where you and 39 other buddies get together and send everything you got at one poor person for 2 hours

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What's the common point between shoes and jews ?

They'r both common in 39 and rare in 45

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Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now. To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the o...

A guy walks into a doctor's waiting room...

A guy goes into a doctor's waiting room, and sees four old men. One of them suddenly shouts "39", and the others all start laughing. "That's strange", he thought. " 23", shouts another man, again followed by hysterics. "46" a third man shouted followed by further laughter.

"Why does everyone...

What are the ten greatest years of a woman's life?

The ones between 39 and 40.

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A man gets pulled over by a cop.

"Sir, have you drank any alcohol tonight?"

"I havd 39 cans ofv Budlight." He replied in slurred speech.

"I said alcohol not cat piss."

Why do Mormon women stop having kids at 38?

Because 39 is just too many.

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There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

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Three Poles are talking about what's the drunkest they've ever been in their lives

The first one says, *"You might not believe me, but I got so drunk once that I woke up in an alleyway 3 blocks away from my home!"*

The second one says, *"Hah! That's nothing! I got so drunk once that I woke up in a different town altogether!"*

*"You guys are a bunch of pussies...

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I need to know your best 'Yo Mama' Joke.

I just got schooled in a Yo mama rank fest(Yes i'm 39, so what) and I need some serious ammo to get back at this ass. Thank you all.

11 Geeky Jokes

1. What does a subatomic duck say “Quark”.

2. Why did I divide Sin by Tan, Just Cos.

3. Why programmers like UNIX:
unzip, strip, touch, finger, grep, mount, fsck, more, yes, fsck, fsck, fsck, umount, sleep

4. Why can’t you trust atoms, they make up everything.

5. A pen...

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What's the thing in common between buying shoes and jews?

There are more of them in 39 than in 45. (the joke work only with EU size :-D )

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact, I am"

Interviewer: "What's 37x19?"

Me: "39"

Interviewer: "that's not even close!"

Me: "yeah, but it was fast"

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So an old lady walks in to her grown daughter's bedroom...

...and she catches her daughter in the middle of a frenzied masturbation session with her vibrator.

"Oh my God," exclaims the old lady, "What are you doing?"

"Ma," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"

The old lady turns and ru...

What's the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?

I wouldn't pay $39 to have a garbanzo bean on my chest.

Sick sportsman

You are having extreme fever, it’s 39,9oC, - says a doctor to a patient, a sportsman.

The sportsman asks painfully: Doc, what’s the world record for it?

UK Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Cork, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the comput...

While we're on the subject of Russian jokes...

Here's one I have heard about the gulag. A little background: many jokesters ended up doing time in Siberia, and obviously couldn't be heard telling jokes while they were there. So, they invented a system where each joke was identified by a designated number.
Let's call [this joke](http://www.red...

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What is cold?

What is cold?
(note: to get the temperature into Fahrenheit: multiply by 9, divide by 5, then add 32)

+10°C
The inhabitants of Helsinki (Finland) turn off their heating.
The Laps (inhabitants of Lapland) plant flowers.

+5°C
The Laps take a sun-bath (if the sun gets over the...

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[NSFW] The unbelievable Bob

A couple spend their honeymoon in a beautiful city and, during a walk, they go through a house of porno shows,
with a sign to announce:

"Today, the unbelievable Bob".

The couple decides to come in and the show begins with Bob, 39, in a bed with a blonde, a brunette and a ginger,
...

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An elderly couple from Ohio are planning their 40th anniversary...

The couple, who were rabid basketball fans, had used the last 39 years to have an annual foray into their shared passion for the NBA. They went to games when they could, had gone to the Basketball Hall of Fame (four times so far), but usually just celebrated by getting each other neat collector's i...

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After a long, miserable day a man hears a knock at the door..

He walks to the door and opens it to find there's no one there. He assumes it must be the neighborhood kids messing with him, so he angrily slams the door and begins to walk away.
He takes a couple steps and hears the knock again. He lunges back and quickly opens the door, hoping to catch the kid...

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