47 Jokes - 81 Hilarious 47 Jokes

One time Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 47 people

Then the grenade exploded

I've managed 434 days, 12 hours, 47 minutes and 17 seconds of sobriety.

I'm so glad alcohol doesn't dictate my life any more.

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Fifty Shades got $47 Million at the box office...

There seems to be a lot of women who don't get offended by a billionaire grabbing a girl by the pussy.

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An older woman (around age 47) gets pulled over for speeding. As the officer approaches the vehicle, she rolls down her window

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk drivin...

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

People are 63% more likely to believe a made up stat if you say it confidently

This increases to 78.47 if you add a decimal

What is the common ground between an Ak-47 and bubblegum?

When you pull it out in class everybody wants to be your friend.

I scored 47/46 for my test.

It was a chromosomes test.

[NSFW] A 47 year old woman gets plastic surgery to look younger.

She was walking down the street and asked a random stranger to guess her age.
The stranger thought for a minute and answered, "25."
"Nope, I'm actually 47," she said.
"Wow," said the stranger.
The woman smiled and continued walking until she got to McDonald's. When she got to the front o...

"What's that in the bag?" "An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos."

"You can't bring that into the movie."

I was drinking at a dive bar, met a really attractive 47 yr old woman.

She looked great for her age. We ordered another drink and she asked me if I’ve ever had a “Sportsman Double?”

I scratched my head and asked “What’s that?”

She replied “It’s a mother daughter threesome.”

I told her “No” with a smirk and we had 3 to 4 more rounds. The conversatio...

What do you call a Mexican who owns 2.47 acres of land?

Hector

What's the difference in a rake and an AK-47?

Beats me, I just fly the drone.

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A Japanese, a Russian, a Filipino, and an American went to test the magic swimming pool that turns the waters into any substance of your choice if you shout it out loud enough before jumping in.

The Japanese threw his wooden sandals aside and ran towards the pool shouting "Sakeeee!!" He landed happily in 5 feet of Japanese rice wine. The Russian threw his AK-47 aside and ran to the pool screaming "Vodkaaaa!" as he lept in the air. He happily swam and drank the purest Russian Vodka after. Th...

Why was the boy with 47 chromosomes crying?

Because he's Down.

I'm sorry.

Leading entomologists experimenting with ant larvae have reported that while the introduction of milk-born disaccharides increased their height by 31%, it also inhibited tarsus growth by 47%.

The study concluded that the resulting specimens lack toes in taller ants.

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An irate man barges into a bar with an AK-47 in his hands and shouts, “Who the fuck has been sleeping with my wife?!”

A man in the back shouts back, “You do not have enough bullets, pal.”

Hey guys, my name’s Chad. I’ve been sober for 47 days now.

Not in a row or anything. Just... total.

Statistics show that 47% of people are pedantic.

Well, 46.8%.

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Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 47 years old, and you're the principal."

What is the relation between a broom and an ak-47

Both can be used to sweep a house

Over the next day, Oregon is expected to break the hottest temperatures ever recorded in its entire history, some places as hot as 118°F (47.78°C)

NOT cool.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

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TIL it takes about 33 hours for men to digest food and 47 hours for women.

Proving once and for all that my ex-wife is full of shit.

Did you hear about the man who killed 47 donkeys?

I heard it was an assacre

Do you know the story of the dwarf woman who has 47 children ?

Very short but exciting.

What has 47 legs and 6 teeth?

The front row at a Willie Nelson concert.

[Long] The population of this country is 300 million.

60 million are retired.

That leaves 240 million to do the work.

There are 95 million in school.

Which leaves 145 million to do the work.

Of this there are 22 million employed by the government.

Leaving 123 million to do the work.

61 million are disabled.
...

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text th...

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A Cop Pulls a Little Old Lady Over for Speeding

Cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her licence and registration. When she pulls out her wallet, he sees a handgun in her purse.

"Ma'am, is that a gun in your purse?"

"Yes, Officer, it's a .38 Smith & Wesson revolver."

"Please place that purse on the passenge...

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

My friend just got married, and now he wants to sell his 47 volume Encyclopedia Britannica. He says he doesn't need it.

His wife knows everything.

What do you call a fake gun?

A JK-47

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I saw a huge spider wearing a turban and carrying an AK-47 yesterday and I shit myself.

I'm guessing I have Iraqnophobia.

Just last week I saw a friend of mine and his wife at the local restaurant. He is 47 and his wife is 19. Other diners were making rude comments about them, giving them dirty looks.

It totally ruined their 7th wedding anniversary dinner.

A man in a ballon

A man was stuck in a hot air balloon and realized that he was lost. He reduced his height and saw a woman down on a field.

He went further down and yelled at the woman : "Excuse me, Could you help me? I had arranged a meeting with a friend an hour ago, but I have no idea were I am."
...

Smart Old man

A lady gets a face lift and goes into clothing store and asks the girl how old she looks? The girl says 35 and the lady says thanks and that she was 47. She then goes into McDonald’s and asks the same thing and the girls says 29! She says 47, This makes the lady’s day and she heads to the bus stop t...

An Arab a Mexican and a redneck walk into a bar and all three order a shot.

The Arab drinks all his and throws the glass into the air shooting it with his AK 47 saying "We have so much sand in the desert. We don't need to drink out of the same glass twice."

The Mexican intrigued by this does the same with his AK 47 shouting "Glass is so cheap in Mexico that we don't ...

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A dozen Nazis walked into a bar, demanding shots

Luckily the bartender had an AK-47.

Three crocheted dolls

Herb was tidying up the attic when he came across a box that he didn’t recognise.

He opened it up and found three crocheted dolls in it, lying on what looks like several hundred dollars of cash in small bills.

He takes the box down and asks Ruby, his wife of 47 years, whether she knows...

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How old do you think I am?

A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday.

She spends $5000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32...

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

No means no.

-page 47 of my Spanish to English dictionary

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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

What's the difference between a banjo player terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

Bonus joke:

What's the difference between a banjo and an AK-47?

>!The AK only repeats thirty times.!<

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A elderly couple are sitting on their porch in their rocking chairs, watching the world go by...

...suddenly the old lady reaches over and smacks her husband upside the head so hard he falls out of his chair onto the porch. He slowly stands back up, rubbing his back.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"For 47 years of terrible sex," comes the answer. The old man stares at his wife fo...

If I ever tell you bless you...

you better say "thank you" and not "why are you in my closet with an AK-47?"

Guys, golf is literally so easy....

I’ve played one hole and I’ve got 47 points

A little boy with Downs runs to his dad to show him a drawing he made...

"Excellent son, good job!"

The dad says.

"I'd rate this 47/46."

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

For my cake day, here's the oldest joke in my email, sent to me in 1996.

In honor of my cake day, I'm sharing the oldest joke in my email archive, that was sent to me on September 17, 1996.

Three unrelated men happen to die on the same day and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gates and says "Congratulations! You've all made it to Heaven. Now, de...

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A middle-aged woman saves money...

...for a plastic surgery. She wants to have a facelift. Finally, the big day arrives on her 47th birthday. It costs 5,000 dollars, but she feels like it was worth it. Her face is extremely beautiful and young again.

She wants to test it, though, so she goes for a walk in the city centre. She ...

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

I have Down's Syndrome

47/46, would not recommend

How many agents do you need to kill someone

What’s the only test a person with Down syndrome does well on?

A DNA test, they get a 47 out of 46.

A mother wakes her son in the morning

'Get up, son, you have to get to school!'

'But Mum, why do I have to go? I hate it!'

'Tell me two reasons why you think you shouldn't go.'

'Firstly: all the kids hate me. Secondly: the teachers hate me even more.'

'Hmph, excuses! C'mon, go get ready!'

'Tell me two ...

The OCD Postman...

Always Rings 47 Times

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A Muslim, a Mexican, and a Redneck are sitting in a bar

The Mexican finishes his drink, throws his glass up in the air and shoots it. He then looks at the bartender and says "glass is so cheap in my country you don't have to drink from them twice."

The Muslim, impressed throws his glass into the air, pulls out an AK-47 and lays in to the glass sha...

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

Things You Don’t Want to Hear During Surgery:

Oops!

Has anyone seen my watch?

That was some party last night. I can’t remember when I’ve been that drunk.

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Well, this book doesn’t say that… What edition is your manual?

Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly ...

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NSFW. Establishing Good Clear Communication is the Key to a Happy Marriage.

At his wedding reception the groom's uncle (who's had more than a few drinks) pulls the groom aside.

"My boy in this day & age I have pass along to you the benefit of my experience.
You know it's best to establish clear communication with your new wife. Cause once the honeymoon period ...

A man goes to an interview for an accountant firm

“In this company, you need to be able to calculate fast without calculator”

“I’ll give it a try. Test me”

“What is 35 x 47?”

The man answers quickly “476”

“That’s not even close”

“Yeah but thats fast”

I'm not trying to boast here...

But I went 0 to 60 in about 47 years.

A Recent Study Shows...

A recently conducted study revealed that 47% of women have used vibrators.

53% have new ones...

The Russian Army

Q: Hoш До you Hоld youя АК-47 when running aшay froм nucleaя blast?

A: On far stretched out hands coмяad, so the hot метал, froм the gun does not dяip on sтате oшned shoes!

First joke I ever heard

"You know what is dangerous, lives in trees, can fly and is very lethal?

I have no idea

"A pigeon with an ak-47"

Do you know what a Canadian's favourite gun is?

Eh-K-47

An elephant is drinking out of a river

An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.

"Why did you do that?" Asks a passing giraffe.

"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 4...

Actual Russian Joke

Four Russians were being pulled in a sleigh by a team of horses in the dead of winter when they noticed a pack of wolves had started chasing them and were slowly gaining.

They knew they needed to lighten the sled so they drew straws and the one with the shortest straw blessed Russia and leapt...

I've been dying to see Age of Ultron

But then I just googled "How old is Ultron" and found out he's 47. Saved me $10.

How did Mitt Romney get a 14% tax rate?

He claimed 47% of America as dependents.

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

So I was checking out at the store the other day.....

....and the cashier told me my total was $12.47. So I gave her a ten and two ones. She said it wasn't enough so I dug around and gave her a quarter. Still not right she says, so I just grab everything in my pocket and put it on the counter hoping she could help.

As a white man in America, I d...

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A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl......

A Mexican, an Arab, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, 'In Mexico , our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice.'

The Arab, ob...

Coma victim...

A man wakes up after being in a coma for 20 years. Immediately he calls his bank to see how his savings have grown with interest over the last two decades and is told he has $144,833,411, 19 in his account.

“Whooo- Hoo! I’m a multi-millionaire!”

He hobbles down the hallway giggling t...

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Cakepilation

For my cake day I'm going to repost everything I can think of that fits into the category of cake-related jokes! You've heard them all anyway, who cares?

What did the cake say to the fork? You wanna piece of me?

What do you eat if you 3.142 cakes? You get fat. Pay attention, ...

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated....

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims to the whole table, "What rotten luck I've had today! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know, why don't you play your age?"

...

Russian Soldiers (long)

Two Russian comrades are having vodka after training a new set of soldiers. The first Russian asks the second "How goes training your new soldier, comrade?"

"Well, I tasked him to eliminate 50 oppressors of liberty with his rifle yesterday. He returned, bayonet bloody, but only manage...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

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