49 Jokes - 74 Hilarious 49 Jokes

Why is Bernie Sanders challenging his 49 vs 50% loss in Iowa?

I thought he didn't care about the 1%

Bubba and Billy Joe were on vacation, walking downtown, window shopping, and they see a sign on a store which reads, "Suits $5.99 each, shirts $1.99 each, trousers $2.49 each.

Bubba says to his pal, "Billy Joe, Lookee here! We could buy a whole gob o’ these, take ‘em back to Georgia, sell 'em and make a fortune. Just let me do the talkin', 'cause if they hear your accent, they might think we're ignorant, and not wanna sell that stuff to us.”

Now, I'll talk in a slo...

Where can you get gas for a $1.49?

Taco Bell.

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

Jesus drove a Honda, but never spoke of it.

"For I speak not of my own Accord" - John 12:49

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

What kind of car does Jesus drive? A Christler. Oh no. Wait..

He drove a Honda.
But he didn't like talking about it.

John 12:49 :
> For I did not speak of my own Accord.

I got gas today for $1.49.

I couldn't believe it was that cheap. Then again, I don't know what else I expected going to Taco Bell.

48, 49, and 50 were in a race...

Why did 7 eat 49?

It was 7’s square meal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

National American beauty pageants should only have 49 participating states

Because no self-respecting woman should wear a sign saying Idaho

49 states don't know about computers.

The last state is Dell-aware.

What's the difference between 48.4% and 49.9% in Alabama?

48.4% vote for child molesters. The rest are good people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women died and found themselves standing at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter said to the first woman, "How many men did you sleep with in life?"

The first woman said, "I only slept with one man: my husband. And I didn't sleep with him until after we were married."

Saint Peter turned to the angel standing next to him and said, "Give her the key to th...

A man plants 49 trees in his back yard

He tends to them every day and always takes the best care of them. They are his pride and joy! They all grow up pretty fast and very healthy as a result of this.

One day he wakes up and looks out his big window, as he does every morning, and notices that something is wrong. He hurries outsid...

Why are there only 49 contestants in the Miss America pageant this year?

No one wanted to wear a sash that says "I-da-ho."

In 49 states in America, a crab shack is a restaurant.

In Florida, it's a changing room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

Unfortunately, Verne Troyer passed away at 49, which is pretty young.

But let’s be honest, he pretty much always had a short life

Edit; we loved ya, rest in peace bud

A man goes to prison

During his first night, he hears his fellow inmates shouting out.

“37!” Everyone laughs.

“18!” Everyone laughs again.

He asks his cellmate what that’s all about.

“Oh, we’ve been in here so long that we’ve numbered the jokes. Give it a try.”

“63!” No response. H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"If you win the lottery,

the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

...

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."<...

Why did the numbers 25, 36, and 49 go to the dentist?

For a square root canal

I asked my boss, “Can I leave work early today?”

Boss: Only if you make up the time.

Me: It’s 49 past 70 o clock.

Boss: You’re fired.

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven . . .

"There must be some mistake," the lawyer argues. "I'm too young to die. I'm only 49."

"49?" says St. Peter. "No, according to our calculations, you're 83."

"How did you figure that?" the lawyer asks.

"We added up your time sheets," answered St. Peter.

After years of saving, John was able to finally afford a nice car. When he drove by, it would turn all the heads in town, but he would never acknowledge it.

For I do not speak of my own accord - John 12:49

What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are 49 cents but deer nuts are just under a buck.

I asked my German host if I could get milk into my darjeeling

He replied "49".

A driver was arrested after a deadly accident...

Policeman: How could you kill 49 people? What the Hell is wrong with you?

Driver: I was driving at 80 km/h when I saw two men crossing the Road. On the road side, there was a wedding party. I wanted to apply the Breaks, but then I realised they were not working. So, I had to take a decision; ...

A lawyer dies and goes to heaven.

He suffers a massive heart attack in his office and dies on the spot. He arrives (to his great surprise) at the gates of heaven.

A huge welcoming party is there waiting for him. Large welcome home banners are displayed and it looks like a proper affair indeed. Some of heaven’s most famous in...

I installed a new home alarm system I've never felt safer

I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service...

Thanks New Hampshire…

Your the reason 49 other states have to buy signs saying “Buckle up, its the State Law”

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

Bush, Clinton, Obama, and Trump decided to have a race.

Trump went first. He finished the race in 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Obama did a bit better. His time was 10 minutes and 14 seconds. Clinton came in at 9 minutes and 49 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Justice League has a vacancy and the number 7 is interviewing to fill a superhero position...

Batman: Thank you for coming, 7. Its been rough since the Flash took off and we're having a hard time finding someone to replace him. Let's get right to it. What is your first power?

Number 7: Well, for my whole life I've been in prime condition and I don't anticipate that changing anytim...

Of all the dating sites I've tried, I found the most success on Google.

I just typed in "single girls" and got 49 million matches!

Women and Crime...

Despite making up roughly 49% of the population.

Women are responsible for 100% of the crimes in space.

Expensive Perfume

So, big Moira, from Glasgow, is on a weekend trip to London.

She is in an elevator in a Harrods, when two young and beautiful women get into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

Big Moira remarks, "My, what nice aromas!"

One of the women turns, looks Moira up and down...

EA Games and Ubisoft walk into a bar...

Act now and for just $49.99 you too can experience the intensity and originality of this punchline!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do a man have to do to be with a gorgeous woman like you?

A gentleman ask to a woman while both were grabbing some coffee. She reply: well a man have to have 1 million dollars, a super car and a 12 inches penis. The gentleman reply: to meet your expectations I could donate 49 millions to charity, gift 7 of my cars to my friends, but not even for a gorgeous...

In honor of the OU/Texas A&M game....

Bubba Jenkins had been attending A&M for 8 years without graduating. Finally, the faculty breaks down and agrees that if he can answer one math question, they'd allow him to graduate. The entire student body is gathered in the auditorium. A professor asks, "Bubba, what is 7 times 7?"

He t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

Sharp Retort

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the ol...

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.

The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling fart. Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a p...

I remember doing a book report in elementary school on, "Fifty Shades of Grey".

I got a B+ and the teacher left a note saying, "thank god you didn't actually read the book, though I loved your creativity stating Christian Grey had 49 other clones".

(NSFW) A redneck bought a computer and he was trying to browse internet with his friend.

They came across a shopping website which they mistook for a dating website and went to the lingerie section .

After a long selection, his friend said " look this woman wearing red lingerie is really gorgeous and is only $49.99. order her" .

So he went and ordered it .

2 weeks l...

A Sliced Dairy Product

There was once a man named Ani. Ani was a long-time comedian. He had been running both a YouTube and a Twitter account for an entire decade, and did stand-up in bars and comedy clubs. Everywhere he went, he was showered with praise for his originality and dedication. On one 17th of August, however, ...

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $5...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fifty priests on a tour bus died in a highway accident. long

Saint Peter met them at the pearly gates and said, "To save time, I'm going to ask just one question. Which of you has never had a homosexual relationship? The priests looked up and down and mumbled; eventually they started raising their hands until there were 49 hands in the air. "Okay" St. Pete...

Guy manages to land a Superbowl ticket...

But he's in the last row. He decides to move down and find an empty seat. Of course there's none, but finally spots a great seat next to an older gentleman. "Hey anyone sitting there?" "No, go ahead." so he sits down. "Great seats here, strange to find one empty." "Well, that would have been my wife...

So I told my wife I'm buying a new car...

Me: So sick of my car. I'm sellin it & buying a Honda—like Jesus

Wife: Jesus didnt have a Honda🤔

M: He was just humble about it

W: No he wasnt—b/c he didnt have a Honda

M: Really?? Then why’d Jesus say in John 12:49, "For I did not speak of my own Accord."

😅

An aristocrat Bostonian lady hired a new chauffeur. As they started out on their first drive, she inquired:

"What is your name?"

"Thomas, ma'am," he answered.

"What is your last name," she said. "I never call chauffeurs by their first names."

"Darling, ma'am," he replied.

"Drive on - Thomas," she said.

(Rapp, Albert 1951. On the Origins of Wit and Humor. New York: Dutton...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Herodotus was a vlogger

It's ya boi Herodotus back atch ya with another travlog!

So, I was in Delphi, and man, they be real mad with em Spartans.

Not taking sides, just my 2 Drachmae. Maybe my Athenian homies should've toned down their backstabbing a little bit, so that those Spartan hunks didn't have to canc...

A viola player goes into a music shop

The shop assistant asks what he would like and the viola player says "Well, I've been playing the viola for years and I'm getting really tired of everyone pointing and laughing and acting like I don't know the first thing about music, so I'm thinking about taking up another instrument".

"Do y...

A blonde, a Brunette and a Red Head were stranded on an island....

The island was 50 miles from the mainland and the girls all thought they might be able to swim back, so they all jumped into the ocean.
After about 10 miles, the Brunette said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And she drowned.

After about 25 miles, the Red Head said, "I'm not gonna make it!" And...

Mayweather goes 48-0

49-0 if you count his wife

A man is driving down a country lane and wants to smoke a cigarette but doesn't have a light.

He sees a small pub and decides to go in and buy some matches.

Upon entering, the barman greets him with, "Hi. What can I get you?"

"That's very kind," replies the man. "I'll have a pint of cider."

The barman pours the cider and says, "That'll be £2.49."

"What?" asks the ...

A man walks into a music store.

A man walks into a music store to buy a record for his father. As he approaches the counter with his record he notices that the clerk has put out Nickelback CDs next to the register with a tag thats reads "CD special, $0.05 no returns."

The man looks at the clerk and says " $0.05 for a Nickel...

These Seniors Couldn't Get The $2.99 Special Without Eggs, So They Did Something Genius

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You ...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fun Facts

The reason that their are only 49 contestants in the Miss America Contest is because nobody wants to wear a banner that says "IDAHO"

My mind is like a bear trap. Rusty and illegal in 37 states.

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2 AM! Can you believe it? He's lucky I was up playing wit...

If you had purchased

$1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But, if you...

Tax.

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100...
If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this...

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.
The fifth would pay £1.
The sixth would pay £3.
The se...

SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks ,Wh...

Trees

I accidentally posted this to the Reddit subgroup "funny". Hopefully I have the right spot now!

Two trees are growing up side by side in the forest one is a birch tree, and one is a beech tree. They are so conceited, theyrarely noticed the rest of the forest around them. Until one day, they l...

A blonde volleyball coach

A blonde volleyball coach recruited a top talent, but the player couldn’t pass the school’s entrance exam. The coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office.

“Okay,” asks t...

A visit to Home Depot

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go.

While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Mana...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender $200 he can take his eye out of his head. The bartender agrees, thinking it impossible, but the man takes out his eye, revealing it to be glass.

The man then bets the bartender $500 he can bite his own eye. The bartender agrees, only for him...

Chocolate chip cookies!

Joe Briscolli, a retired family man with terminal cancer is lying in his deathbed when he smells the aroma of his beloved wife's locally famous chocolate chip cookies, which she knew he loved more than anything on earth. "Oh, my loving and kind wife, in my final days you comfort me stalwartly. You a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

[Long] There was this thief...

His name was John. Now John was the best there was. He had pulled off many heists and gathered millionsnof dollars. Many of the crimes were known, but the police did not know they were linked, as he used a completely different method each time.

So one day John goes to perform his biggest heis...

Wife letter to husband

I am writing you this letter to let you know that I'm leaving you. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today, I was kind to you and respected you for 7 years of our marriage, most of the time you did not appreciate me. The last two weeks were like hell. A week ago, you came home and d...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.