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54 Jokes

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The average American adult has sex 54 times a year.

The next few days are going to be rough

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

At 11:59:54 AM at NASA:

6...

5...

4...

3...

2...

1...

Lunch.

Mayweather is actually 54-0

If you count the women

A cheating husband decided to write a letter to his wife.

"My Dear Wife,



You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, as a 54 year-old, can no longer satisfy. I'm very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. However, after reading this letter, I hope you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the...

I've got a meeting with the guy that invented the progress bar during the era of dialup internet. He's going to be here in 2 hours and 13 minutes.

Edit: Apparently he's stuck in traffic and he's going to be here in 6 hours 54 minutes.

Edit2: He's making better progress than thought, he will be here in 12 minutes.

Edit3: Apparently it will now take him 5 days

A mathematician came home and told his wife, “sorry honey, but I’m leaving you for my 18 year old assistant. I’ll be home in a few hours and I’d like for you to be gone.”

He got back home and found a note that read,” hi honey, I’ve left and decided to run off with the 18 year old pool boy. We are both 54 years old, and I think you’ll figure out as a mathematician that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18.”

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What's the best time for sex?

8:54 because it's 6 to 9.

My grandfather was in the Hungarian army and killed 54 men single handedly

He was a cook

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A 54-year-old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one evening which read: "Dear Wife, I am 54 years old, and by the time you get this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy eighteen year old secretary."

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband, I too am 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Savoy Hotel with my eighteen year old boy toy. Because you are an accountant, you will surely appreciate that l8 goes ...

54% of the world are living on less than $2 a day.

And I thought I was frugal.

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The General Social Survey reports that the average male has sex 54 times a year.

It’s going to be a busy month.

A reporter asked President Trump if he was concerned that one recent poll had 54% of likely voters casting their ballots for Joe Biden.

The president confidently responded that the other 56% were voting for him.

An average Wookiee is 2.23-2.54 meters in height, weighs 100kg (female) or 150kg (male) and has a lifespan of 400 standard years

Those are Wookiee numbers

54 years ago, JFK became the us president with the least brain ever

...but unfortunately his record has been beaten at the beginning of the year

A 54 year old man emails his wife the following:

"Honey, as you know you are 54 years old. That is too large a number for you to be able to satisfy some of my needs, so when you read these lines I will be at a hotel with my 25 year old secretary. I still love you very much, but math is math. I will be home by midnight."

Satisfied with himse...

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Fucking Canadians

Give them an inch.

They’ll take 2.54 centimeters.

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

I've just beaten my personal best record at 100 metres sprint!

My record is now at 54 metres.

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For sale: The entire Internet on 33,674,964,367 DVDs.

Or without porn, on 54 DVDs.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a very strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the so...

A 54-year-old man feels guilty about cheating on his wife so he leaves her a note, "I've been sleeping with a girl 1/3 my age."

The woman finds his note and leaves him one of her own:

"I know you've been sleeping with an 18-year-old, but so have I. Since you like math so much, 18 goes into 54 a lot more than 54 goes into 18."

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Sexy Math Time

So a 54 year old man cheats on his wife and leaves her a note saying that he has been sleeping with an 18 year.
The 54 year old wife reads the note, shrugs and writes one of her own.
When her husband gets home he reads the note, it says:
I know that you've been cheating on me with an 18 yea...

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A man walks into a bar with a donkey and an ostrich.

He sits down at the counter and asks for a beer.

“That will be 5.98$, sir.”, the bartender says.

The man, puts his hand into his pocket and pulls out 5 dollars and 98 cents in exact change.

“How much will it cost to buy everyone here a round of drinks?”, the man asks, taking a s...

A man with no arms walks into a church

“I’d like to apply to toll the bell, every hour on the hour” he tells the priest. The priest wonders how this would be possible with no arms so he decides to humor the man. Since it’s close to 3pm, they make their way up to the bell tower. At 2:54 the man sits cross legged and begins meditating. At ...

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

An ice fishing competition was going on between...

...Sweden and Norway for decades. The swedes held an impressive record of 71 wins against 0 for the norwegians.

In this year's competition, as soon as the chronometer started, the swedes started getting some fish. After 1 minute, the swedes had 10 fish and the norwegians 0. After 5 minutes, i...

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A man comes home from work to his wife and says “have you heard the news? Apparently the milkman has slept with every woman on this street bar one!”

To which the wife replies:

“I bet it was that stuck up bitch at number 54!”

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Horny hobo goes to a sex hotel

So an old poor man, David, walked in to a sex hotel and asked the receptionist what action he could get for 5 dollars to which the receptionist replied ''Go to room 54''.
The man went up the stairs and at the end of the hallway was room 54, he walked in and saw a really old lady. He thought to...

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Little Johnny has issues at school [Long] NSFW

Little Johnny: Dad my math teacher has called you to school

Dad: and why’s that ?

Little Johnny : he asked what’s 6x9 and I said 54. He then asked what’s 9x6...

Dad: isn’t that the same fucking question again?

Little Johnny: that’s exactly what I said !?!

Next day<...

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with a tickle of a man's balls...

A man gets out of hospital after having plastic surgery on his face. Happy with the work he goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink and asks the barman, "How old do you think I am?". The barman looks at him "42... 43?", the man then quickly replies " I'm 54! Ha!", finishes his drink and leaves.
<...

What's the Gettysburg address?

39°49'03.3" N 77°13'54.7" W

Why isn't 0=1?

Cos 1≈0.54

Isn't that rad!

How many computer programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Oh, wait. That's a hardware problem.

[source](http://nerdfighteria.info/video/54/Zrnd63DAH8o)

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way

A group of people got bored of telling jokes the old way. They decided to switch things up by giving all the jokes a number each and just saying the joke's number instead of telling the whole joke, making things more efficient and different.

One day they sit together and tell some jokes.
<...

SFW Joke my Granddad used to tell, i was the only one who ever found it funny

A guy gets sent to prison. His first day in the yard they are told to walk in a circle, no talking allowed between the prisoners. After a few minutes somebody yells "16" and the whole yard errupts with laughter. They continue walking in circles when someone else shouts out "54" and again everybody s...

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The definition of success is different for different ages

5 year old-Not peeing in your pants at night

12 years old-Having a lot friends

16 years old-Being able to drive

20 years old-Having a lot of sex

34 years old-Having a lot of money

54 years old-Having a lot of sex

65 years old-Being able to drive

70 ye...

A man is riding through the highway listening to the radio...

Suddenly the radio starts booming: “Traffic alert. There is a car driving on the wrong side of the road in Route 54. Please avoid entering the highway until further notice.”

The man, staring at the radio with a confused expression thinks to himself “One? There are hundreds of them!”

The funniest joke...

After a lengthy trial, Bob is found guilty and sentenced to life in a medium security prison. Arriving just in time for the daily lunch, Bob introduces himself to his fellow inmates as he waits in line for the meal.

Somebody yells out "54!", and everyone around Bob starts laughing.

"12...

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Man: I can do math really fast

Interviewer: What's 12 × 7

Man: 54

Interviewer: That's not even close

Man: Yes, but it was fast.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

Did you hear about helicopter that crashed into that graveyard?

Police have so far recovered 54 bodies

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A king looking for a knight to marry his daughter

A king is trying to find someone to marry his beautiful daughter and sets up a quest to who can find the most ping pong balls in all the land. Three knights set out on this adventure. A few days later the first knight arrives with 27 ping pong balls. The next knight comes in shortly after and has 54...

A hundred steps to heaven

A blonde, brunette, and red-head were given the chance to repent their sins but they each had to get through 100 steps of jokes without laughing, if not God would send them to hell.



The brunette made it to step 17, broke down in tears of laughter, and she was sent to hell.

The ...

The last rites

A man is struck by a bus on a busy street in New York City. He lies dying on the sidewalk as a crowd of spectators gathers around. "A priest! Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasps. A policeman checks the crowd but finds no priest, no minister, no man of God of any kind.

"A PRIEST, PLEASE!"...

So it’s a guys first day In prison...

... he hears someone yell 25, then everyone laughs. Another guy yells 54 and like before everyone laughs.

He asked his cell mate, “why are people laughing when thy hear a number.”

His cellmate responds ,”instead of telling joke we assigned the jokes numbers. Whenever someone yells ...

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A North Korean Joke

*Son to Mom: I don't want to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. The students hate me and the teachers hate me.*

*Mom to Son: Son, you have to go to school today and I'll give you two good reasons. You are the principal and you're thirty five years old.*

As told to ...

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Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-week strike on Wednesday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife

Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.


The unrest began last Tuesday, when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death, would be cut by 25% this February from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in rec...

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Dad, is Santa real?

There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the popul...

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Limericks

Pretend that America's pastime is limericks instead of baseball. So two men, Earl P. Erickson, a Harvard graduate and valedictorian, and Billy Steaz, who dropped out of highschool as a senior. These bright men were in a competition for limericks. They had been in a even field for two days, neither b...

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