UPJOKE
36373435135seventy-twocardinal6866747367697162

72 Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't see why you would become an Islamic fundamentalist suicide bomber on the off chance that when you die you get 72 virgins.

Just become a Catholic priest and get them now.

Trump is 72 years old and doesn't wear glasses.

I think this is because he's got 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You don't need to die as a muslim to get 72 virgins

Just be a catholic priest

A 72 year old man had one hobby - he loved to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, 'Pick me up.' he looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say
Again, 'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The ...

Jesus can walk on water. Babies are 72% water. I can walk on babies. Therefore I'm 72% jesus.

I'm also 100% in prison.

What has 80 feet, 137 teeth and $72 in cash?

The front row of a Trump rally

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can you imagine getting 72 virgin when you go to heaven?

The first half-dozen or so will be nice, but after that, I'm going to want a pro.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim martyrs himself and upon death he arrives in Paradise to find his 72 virgins.

To his disappointment it was 72 average Reddit users.

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

72 virgins you say?

Oh, it’s a Reddit meeting. Hey guys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

72 virgins say hi

Get in here doofus! The Reddit Enthusiasts Meetup is about to start!

73 virgins sit down.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72.

The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen, and was handed $66.
He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week.

The teller said "Fluctuations."

The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fuck you America...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomber went to heaven.

The Angel at the front desk greeted him.

"Hi, welcome. There are 72 very horny virgins waiting for you!"

"I knew it! said the bomber. "Bring me the women!"

The Angel smiled.

"Who mentioned women?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

72 Virgins

Abdulla tried to contact the soul of his cousin, Naved, who had exploded himself as a suicide bomber. Abdulla wanted to know whether the 'Jihad' legend is true... especially about the 72 virgins they get. So he asked 'How is the social life bro ?' Naved said 'Amazing bro. I can pick any female. ...

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Y'know, I'm a criminal in 72 countries."

"How so?"

"Well, for starters, I'm gay."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A suicide bomber goes to heaven to receive his 72 virgins...

But all he sees are other men just like himself.

Confused, he asks one of them where his virgins are.
The man replies, "Brother, we are all virgins."

What is 72?

69 with three people watching.

I got a 72 on my IQ test

Not proud, but C's get degrees

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mohammad Atta opens his eyes a second after flying his plane into the WTC

He finds himself inside a chamber, filled with a large group of angry men wearing wigs and weird costumes.

“Who, who are you?” He asked in great confusion.

A tall man strode forward and smacked his hand across his face with a vicious back hand. “I’m George Washington. This here are my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can tell a jihadi about the 72 virgins, but ultimately....

He has to C4 himself

Super proud of myself. Shot a 72 golfing yesterday.

Granted, it was a 9 hole, par 3 course. But still. Shot a 72.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

72 virgins in Heaven

An 18-year-old suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah.


He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shocking statistics show that somebody in London gets stabbed every 72 seconds

Poor bastard

What do you call a prayer that lasts for 72 hours?

Three Days Grace

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

What has 72 teeth and can hold back the Incredible Hulk?

My zipper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s amazing what Muslims put themselves through, just so they can get 72 virgins in heaven.

It would be a lot easier if they just became Catholic priests.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After killing himself and several others, a suicide bomber is given 72 virgins to use as he pleases.

When the suicide bomber arrives, he notices that they're all on laptops. He finds this strange, and asks one what they're doing. The virgin responds, "We're playing Fortnite. Wanna join?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to name my new band "In search of 72 virgins".

That way people will just automatically assume we are the bomb.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Do You Call a Bearded Man Whose Idea of Paradise is 72 Virgins?

Richard Branson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

In a job interview I said, "Last week I only killed 33 people on Call of Duty. Just last night I killed 72."

"What...does that have to do with anything?" asked the guy.

I said, "Well, you asked me if I value progression."

That pretty much sums up the 70s

70+71+72+73+74+75+76+77+78+79 = 745

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him

"What are you doing?!" Exclaims the priest

"There is nothing on this Earth for me." The Muslim says "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"

The priest shakes his head

"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" He says

"Follow me, Ill take you to the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go before the Queen to be rewarded for their service.

Three British soldiers gruesomely wounded in Afghanistan meet the Queen, who wishes to reward them for their loyal service.

The first soldier is in a wheelchair. He has very long arms. The Queen takes one look at him and says "Measure this man from fingertip to fingertip and pay him 1,000 po...

"A man goes to prison" joke with two opposite punchlines.

My grandpa used to tell this joke, one day I heard someone else tell it with almost an exact opposite punchline. I've never tried to type it out before, so sorry if this sucks, but here's how I first heard it:

---

A man goes to prison and the first night while he's laying in bed contem...

My boss wants me to sign up for the company 401k this Friday…

…anyone have any tips for ramping up my distance running in 72 hours?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

Was fighting with wife over the thermostat

She wanted it at 72 degrees.

I wanted 66 degrees.

We settled on 69.

Not sure either of us was ultimately satisfied.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jihadist was preparing himself for his mission, when suddenly he's facing the image of his dearly departed comrad

"Ahmad! How is paradise?"

"Abdul, don't go through with the mission, it is not the paradise we were promised!"

"How is that possible? How could that be? Did you get the 72 virgins?"

"Yes, and that's the problem, Abdul... think about what kind of women dies a virgin."

Joke Request: Your momma jokes. Give me your best. I want to hear them all. Best joke gets reddit gold for two months.

Oh, and one rule for the gold: It cannot be a joke I have heard before. Makes it more interesting. ;)

**GAMERMAN85 IS IN THE LEAD. GOLD WILL BE AWARDED WHEN THREAD IS 72 HRS OLD AND AWARDED TO BEST JOKE AT THAT TIME**

Military joke

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis. Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So the Hacker group Anonymous just declared war on ISIS and Al-Queida

Quite ironic that terrorists will be killed by 72 virgins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Army Reward

3 Soldiers have come back from a tour in vietnam and they are met by their superior:

"Good Job Lads! You are all going to get a reward. you are to choose 2 parts of your body, I will measure and will give you £1,000 an inch, understood?!"

Soldier 1: "Yes Sah! I choose from the bott...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Survey

A newspaper was doing a survey on sexual habits. One questioner stopped an elderly Italian gentleman, wearing a black suit, and asked him how often he had sexual intercourse. "Oh, about half a dozen times a year," said the gentleman. The questioner smiled, saying, "I thought you Italians were suppos...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

From: "Mike of Yahoo News" A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates

A Daesh (ISIS) fighter died in battle and quickly arrived at the Pearly Gates where he was met by St. Peter. He immediately demanded his 72 Virgins, which was promised to all fighters who die fighting infidels. Suddenly out of a cloud strode George Washington who walked up to him and gave him a huge...

It's 2098, and a man is on r/Jokes.

The number of subscribed accounts has grown into the billions, but to the man's shock, the top-upvoted post of the day is simply the number "72,423".

When he goes into the comments section and asks what it is, he is promptly told that every joke has been told so many times, they've assigned n...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeffrey Epstein may be going to Hell...

But he still got his 72 virgins.

And elderly couple...

hire an attorney and tell him they want to get divorced. He looks at them in shocked disbelief and exclaims, "Henry! Dorothy! You are both in your 90s. You've been married for 72 years. Why do you want a divorce now?"

Dorothy looks him in the eye and says, "It's been awful, but we wanted...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A terrorist posts on reddit.

His post blows up. He meets 72 virgins. His day could not be better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a Mormon man and a Muslim man.

A Mormon man gets 72 virgins and THEN kills himself.

They used to be called "Jumpolines"...

...until your mom jumped on one back in '72

It’s Bob’s first day in prison

.
After spending the morning being processed, he is taken to the huge mess hall for lunch. He finds a seat at a table full of inmates who look like they have been behind bars for years. Suddenly, an inmate stands in the middle of the room and yells, "41!" As he sits down, the room erupts in laugh...

So, a Frenchman, an American and a Russian are at a car show.

Frenchman looks at the show car and says "we French also have good cars. At home we drive Citroen, but when we go abroad we drive the luxurious Renault".

The American agrees, and says "we also drive Ford pickups at home, but abroad we drive Cadillacs to impress".

The Russian thinks for...

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded...

My husband keeps insisting we try 69

but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know Jeffrey Epstein converted to Islam?

He was promised 72 virgins in the afterlife and he just couldn’t wait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between Epstein and al-Baghdadi?

One of them had 72 virgins *before* he died.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am currently investigating a possible link between Jeffrey Epstein and Osama Bin Ladin.

I mean where else would Bin Laden get the 72 virgins he was always talking about?

I was arrested the other day for wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear in public.

The officer said he was going to put me on a 72-hour psychiatric hold.

When I asked him why, he said, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a recovering-alcoholic vampire get after completing a suicide bombing mission?

72 virgin Bloody Marys

So I met this nice girl the other day.

She said she's gonna call me after work. Poor girl...she's been working for 72 hrs now.

Until today, I could never understand how my parents entertained themselves in their days, before smartphones were a thing

I asked my 72 other siblings and they haven’t got a clue either.

Feeling hopeless, I finally asked my parents and they said they played lots of sports. For some reason, I think they’re lying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Islamic terrorist blows himself up and ascends to paradise.

When he gets there he's greeted by Allah and an elderly lady who immediately wraps her frail arms round the terrorist, removes her false teeth and gives him a huge sloppy kiss.

Confused, the terrorist says, "Allah, I'm sorry to question your benevolence, but I thought there would be 72 virgi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An al-Qaeda suicide bomber carried out his mission...

And made it to heaven, where he found 72 virgins. Turns out they were all guys playing world of Warcraft.

My grandpa isn't very computer savvy

So my Grandpa (72) got on the internet only recently and is still very unsure about how to use it. A month or so ago I taught him how to use email, to his amazement.
I also showed him how web browsing works and showed him how to put questions into Google search.
Yesterday he was planning t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you never see Old Suicide Bombers, after all they have less to loose?

Because A man who hasn't had a hard on in 10 years, has no use for 72 virgins.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Osama goes to heaven.

Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

"How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive!" yells Mr.
Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind. "You wanted to end the
Americans' liberty, so they gave you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night

One of the guys says to his buddy: “Man you look tired.” His buddy says: “Man I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She’s after me 3 and 4 times a day. I just don’t know what to do.”

A fellow about my age (72+), sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversat...

An ancient married couple visits a divorce attorney

"So you want to get divorced? Exactly how long have you been married?" the lawyer asks.

The husband looks out the window and mumbles "72 years".

The lawyer raises his eyebrows and asks "So, uh, why is it that you want to do this?"

The man replies "Because we *hate* each other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do terrorist advertise their suicide mission?

Suicide bombers get 72 virgins.

How did the Stasi advertise?
Snitches get bitches.

If I had a penny for every time I was pedantic...

I'd have £564.72

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old lady was on the deck of a cruise ship, when a strong wind blew up

Without thinking, she grabbed her hat with both hands, to stop it blowing away. A steward rushed up to her, saying "madam, the wind has blown your dress up too, and you're not wearing any underwear! Everyone can see your private parts!".

The old lady replied "anything down there is 72 years ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do so many Muslim students take Intro to Engineering?

They heard it was a great place to find 72 virgins.

An elderly Catholic man is hit by a bus . . .

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man.

He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped.

Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd.

A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

He sees this bucket of money on the bar and asks the bartender what’s up. Bartender tells him they have three tests laid out in order to win this money.

1. Drink this bottle of hot sauce.

2. There is a rabid dog outside with a toothache. Fix it.

3. There is a 72 year old, 450...

Ebay is challenging to use . . . (x-post from F7U14)

I searched for lighters, and I got 72,816 matches!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.