UPJOKE
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57 Jokes

I got gas today for $1.57

Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell…

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My Grandma Has Been Walking 5 Miles a Day Since She Was 57. She's 92 Now...

And we have no idea where the fuck she is.

What can jump higher than a 57 story building?

Everything. Buildings can’t jump.

My wife of 57 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her choose one, I can't do both.

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I encountered a milf at a bar last night

although she is 57 years old, she is still very charming and sexy

we were drinking, chatting, laughing, and having a good time

then, she asked me flirtatiously

"have you ever tried a mother-daughter threesome before?"

I said, "Nope, not yet".

She drank a little ...

You do the Math

A lawyer writes a letter to his wife Janie...

My Dear Janie,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 57 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not...

My neighbor has had a record of 57 concussions.

He lives really close to me ... stone throws away, in fact.

I am 57 seconds older than my twin.

So when I come out of the bathroom, I tell him: "When I was your age ..." and proceed to describe the majestic business I have just finished.

A boy asked his dad for 10$ of bitcoin

"$9.57? Why do you need $11.48?"

I ended up with an older woman at the club last night. She looked olay for a 57 year old.

We drank a bit and talked a while and she asked if I had ever had a Sportman's Double

"What's that?" I asked.

"It's a mother and daughter threesome", she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says tonight's my lucky night.

We went back to her place....

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Somebody gets stabbed in London every 57 seconds.

Poor bastard.

A boy asked his Crypto-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Shiba Inu currency..

Dad: $16.57? What do you need $3.28 for?

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A 22-year-old man and a 57-year-old woman get to know each other in a bar

Even tho the big age gap, they like each other. Later the night, she whispers into his ear "Do you want to have sex with a mother and a daughter at the same time?" Of course he agreed and when they walked home, he felt like the most luckiest person on earth. When they arrived at her place she opened...

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A woman in a hot-air balloon is lost, so she shouts to a man below, "Excuse me. I promised a friend I would meet him, but I don’t know where I am."

"You’re at 31 degrees, 14.57 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude," he replies.

"You must be a Democrat."<...

If I had 50p every time I failed a maths exam

I would have £3.57 right now

Steve's Place.

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant called "Steve's Place", and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket; it seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket...

An old man is at a Corvette dealership

An old man is at a Corvette dealership.

He knows that he’s towards the end of his life, and wants to have a little bit of fun before he goes.

The old man buys the newest, fastest, red Corvette convertible on the lot.

He speeds off the lot, and zips down the street, and onto th...

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I’d like to die like my father died….

My father died fucking. My father was 57. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.

- Richard Pryor

Here's a Lesson They DON'T Teach You in School...

9 x 2 = 57

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators...

From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new...

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Roll play sex.

I had sex for 3 hrs today,

We role played as Doctor and Patient.

I was in the waiting room for 2 hours and 57 minutes.

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The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit.

I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.

People sound really silly complaining about Cyber Punk 2077.

After all, the game was released 57 years early.

I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain.

Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

Mother Daughter Threesome

My friend Ethan recently met a beautiful woman at a bar. Ethan is 22. She’s 57. He’s never been “with a much older woman, but he thinks hey, why not, she’s hot. They drink and flirt all night. Suddenly she asks Ethan if he’s ever had a mother and daughter threesome. He says no.


They drink...

Apple pie in Jamaica $2.55

Cherry pie in Antigua $4.57

Key Lime Pie in Dominican Republic $3.87

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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At 59 I'm having the best sex of my life.

Which is a bit awkward, because I live in appartment 57.

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

I am a server, and normally I do my job like I should. I handle workload like a charm, even though I rarely sleep.

So today I couldn't handle it anymore, and broke down. Today I crashed, and corrupted 57 GB worth of websites.

I won a swimsuit contest the other day

I ate 57 swimsuits

A Guy takes his Friend to a bar

A Guy takes his Friend to his favourite bar for the first time. They order a beer and someone shouts: "7"! Everyone started laughing. The Friend is visibly confused so the Guy explains:

"Oh, right, you see, we've always been telling the same jokes over and over so we gave each a number, now ...

Two men are at a joke convention.

One man at the convention stands and yells "23", and everyone laughs. Another stands and yells "57" and everyone continues laughing. A third stands and yells "243" and everyone is howling with laughter.

Mark turns to his friend and says "I'm confused, they're just saying numbers, why is every...

Dear John Revenge (Sorry if repost)

Again, sorry if this is a re post but I love it!

A Marine stationed in Afghanistan recently received a "Dear John"
Letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Ricky, I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance
between us is just too great. I must ad...

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NSFW The King of the jungle

One day the donkey went to the lion, the king of the jungle and asked:
-Why are you the king and I'm not?
Well, I fuck the longest little donkey, that's why I'm king, says the lion.
-Well, how long do you fuck?
-7 minutes straight!
That's not long at all, says the donkey.
The lion ...

A guy walks into a bar at 4:30 one afternoon.

He's enjoying his drink and talking with the bartender.

At 4:57 the bartender looks at the clock and says, "Damn. I lost track of the time, I gotta get busy." The bartender quickly makes a drink and sets it on the bar.

Precisely at 5:00 pm, a well-dressed man walks into the bar, ...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

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A young woman is at a party where she meets an older gentleman.

The two get to talking and eventually the topic of age comes up. The older gentleman says, "Well, I'm 57, but don't tell me how old you are just yet! See, I have this special ability where I can tell when a woman was born by feeling her breasts." Amazed by the bold claim, the young woman dismisse...

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A guy walks into a bar and notices a large glass full of money...

... He asks the bartender what is the glass for and he responds:
- It's an old bet I have going on, if you win you get all the money in the glass and a keys to a new Ferrari.
- Well tell me what I have to do to win! He responds.
- First you gotta pay up, ten bucks.
Not sure if he wanted ...

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The ostrich

A man and an ostrich pull up to a main-street pub in a brand-new ferrari. They park up and enter the bar. The man says to the bartender, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, some chips, and a pint of lager." The ostrich leans forward and says, "I'll have the same."

They finish eating and receive the bi...

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Robin Hucking

I once knew a guy named Robin. Robin Hucking. Yes, Robin. He hated his name. Everyone called him Hucking, or Huck.



Great guy. Best friend I ever had. Right up to the day he died.



Hucking did have one problem. He was a high rise construction worker with a bad case of acr...

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