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36 Jokes

I'm 36 but have the body an 18-year-old

The police are pretty upset about it.

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What do you call a 36 year old who believes in abstinence-only sex-ed?

Grandma.

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I'm 36, and last night when I was out with my 19 year old girlfriend someone yelled "Paedophile!"

That really ruined our 10 year anniversary.

My teacher didn't believe me when I said I had 36 pets so I showed her a picture of my fish tank.

She freaked out when she saw how many dogs I could fit in there.

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

Women shouldn't have children after 36.

36 children are more than enough.

I once dated a Welsh girl with 36 DDs.

Longest surname I've ever seen.

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A man says to his wife 'apparently the milkman has had sex with every woman but one on our street'

'I bet it's that stuck up cow at No.36' replies the wife

The Geography of a Woman:

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile, and naturally Beautiful!

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like the USA. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain. Very hot, r...

What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?

My zipper

Four Catholic Men and a Catholic Woman Were Having Coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'".

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'".

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. Whe...

Ryan Gosling is 36 years old

Shouldn't we be calling him Ryan Goose already?

I would tell you a dirty joke about 36 holes of golf...

...but it’s two course.

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

What does 36+16 equal to?

A prison sentence.

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A Visit to the Tailor (Slightly NSFW)

A man starts getting chronic headaches and his testicles swell and become very sensitive. The doctor informs him that his testicles must be amputated or he risks death. The guy reluctantly agrees and the operation is performed. Several days later he comes in for a follow-up. He gets a clean bill of ...

Today was awesome, I found $1.36 in change in the gym shower today

And the guy dropping them was really nice too

There’s a bloke in the pub who keeps shouting out random numbers between 0 and 36.

I think he’s got Roulette’s Syndrome.

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How many redditors does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many redittors does it take to change a lightbulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers ...

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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

Health secretary in a briefing to Trump: "Sir, in Chennai, India 36 Tamillians have been killed due to Corona Virus"

Trump is silent. His lips quiver. His hands shiver. His eyes wells up. He is unable to speak.

Health secretary is stunned. He never imagined that this event could affect him so badly.

After a few minutes, in a trembling voice, Trump asks "So, how many millions are there in *one tamilli...

Jimmy has 36 candy bars, and he eats 28. What does Jimmy have?

Diabetes.

Jimmy has diabetes.

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In chemistry class the experiment called for 36 grams of the 83rd element on the periodic table. I could see that the girl next to me had weighed out 42 grams. When I told her she was getting a bit heavy she said....

I should mind my own bismuth.

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I was offered sex today by a 36 year old lady

In exchange of that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on my blog. Of course i declined because of my morals and strong will power. which is just as strong as ajox. the super strong bathroom cleaner. now available scented with lemon or vanilla.

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What starts with “f” and ends with “k”?

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her more precocious students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what exactly is your problem?”
Harry answered, “I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she! I think I should be in the 3rd gra...

According to a survey 64% of Americans couldn't locate Ukraine on a world map.

The other 36% said, "What's a world map?"

Why did the numbers 25, 36, and 49 go to the dentist?

For a square root canal

What is Sir Mix-A-Lot's locker combination?

36-24-36

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I had sex with my 10th grade English teacher.

So what if it took 36 years and required me to become a mortician.

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This man was unhappy with his appearance

So he decided to get a facelift. He was so happy with the results that as soon as he left the building he asked the first person he saw.

“How old do you think I look?”
“36”
The man says “nah bruh I’m 55 thank you though”

He is standing in line at McDonald’s. He asked the ca...

A boy goes on holiday to Mexico and texts his mate saying "Weather out here is just like your mother, 36 and hot"

His mate replies "Weather back here is just like your sister, 16 and wet"

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Husband is late returning home from playing golf

"Wife" - "Where have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!

" Husband - "I'm so sorry Honey... but you probably don't want to hear the reason.

" Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it NOW !

" Husband - "OK, Fine. We finished in under 4 hours, quick beer in the Club...

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

In the jungle, there's a Football (Soccer) match between the Elephants and the Insects...

By half-time the elephants are completely dominating the insects with a score of 36 - 0.
At the start of the 2nd half the Millipede came on for the insects and he was the best player in the whole of the jungle!
When the final whistle blew it was 37 - 36 to the insects!!


Afte...

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Ugh, my boss is so out of touch. Apparently, as of of today, I’m no longer allowed to breastfeed in the office.

He said “Look, I know that the world is becoming more accepting of these kinds of things, but Steve you’re fucking 36”

I used to work in an art supply store.

I used to work in an art supply store. We sold artists' canvas by the yard, and you could get it in either of two widths: 36 inches or 48 inches.
Customer: "Can you please cut some canvas for me?"
Me: "Certainly, what width?"
Customer: (confused and slightly annoyed) "Scissors?"

Which 5 birthdays are a males major milestones and why?

16 because it’s the first time they can legally drive.
18 because it’s the first time they can legally be called an adult.
21 because it’s the first time they can legally drink alcohol.
35 because it’s the first time they can legally run for the office of President of the US.
36 because ...

A German tourist driving through France gets pulled over for speeding, and the French police officer starts questioning him.

FPO: Name?

GT: Hans Schmidt.

FPO: Age?

GT: 36

FPO: Occupation?

GT: No! No! I’m only here on vacation!

Q: Why do Mormon women stop having babies at 35?

A: Because 36 would be too many.

Job Interview

"It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17x19?"

"36"

"That's not even close!"

"But it was quick!"

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facts

did you know that having too much sex could cause memory loss ?

i remember reading that on the 23 of november 2001 at 9:1:02 am page 36 line 9/11

it wasn't a sunny day in fact it was very cloudy

very...cloudy....

A man is walking in the desert when he hears a sound...

"36. 36. 36. 36."
He follows the sound and finds a man walking around a well repeating this number with a robotic voice and step and a crazy look.
He shouts "Hello!" but the man doesn't respond and just keeps going on...
"36. 36. 36."
He moves closer and says hello again but the man does...

A sheepdog

.... gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

*"All 40 accounted for"*

*"But I only have 36 sheep"* says the confused farmer

*"Yeah I know"* says the sheepdog. *"I rounded them up".*

Flight 423

This is Captain Max Dominguez speaking, on behalf of my crew and me, I’d like to welcome you on board of the flight EY 423 from the Philippines to Abu Dhabi. "We are in the air 36,000 feet above the Pacific Ocean. If you you look outside a window, you will see that the wing has fallen off and the en...

Three Blondes Walk into a Bar...

They get a table and order a round of drinks. When the server brings the drinks over, the blondes clink the glasses together and say, "A toast to 36 hours!"


The blondes order several more rounds, and each time they make the same toast to 36 hours. After the fourth round, the server give...

The dentist said, "You need two root canals. They'll be expensive, but I'll let you pay...

..for them for $500 a month for 36 months."

I said, "Wow, those sound like car payments."

"They are."

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

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A man went to the doctor to complain about his migraines.

Man: So doc, what’s the problem?

Dr. Well, after examination we’ve found out that we would need to castrate you.

Man: (surprised) What? Why? What does that have to do with my migraines?

Dr. You see the blood vessels in your penis gets bunched up and hence it constricts blood flo...

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So some racehorses are chatting in the stables. When one starts to boast of his track record. "Out of my last 15 races, I've won 8!"

"That's nothing, I've won 19 of my last 27," said another.

"Oh that's good," says an older horse. "But out of my last 36 races, I've won
28!"

At this point the racehorses notice that a greyhound had been siting silently,
listening into the conversation. "Excuse me gentlemen. But ...

Nurses ask the hard questions

I posted this as a comment in this sub, the OP suggested I give it its own post.

Back about 36 years ago, I was a young married man. Me & my wife decided I would get fixed. I had the surgery and everything went fine. I had to take a specimen to the doc for a sperm count to make sure the p...

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A man has an extreme headache...

...and after a few agonizing days he decides to go to the doctor to see what's wrong with him.
"Well I have terrible news" says the doctor "you have a very odd condition where your spine is constricting your testicles. If you don't remove your testicles your headache will never go away."
O...

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A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

Luck with the age

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She's down to her last $50.


Exasperated, she exclaims, "Only bad luck! What in the world should I do now?"


A man standing next to her suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"


He walk...

Dad joke

Dad: "What time do we need to leave to catch the movie?"

Kid: "I don't know. 5:30, 6?"

Dad: "5:36? That's an oddly specific time."

Did you hear about the brothel that opened across the street from a golf course?

It too has 36 championship holes.

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

My girlfriend, like most people her age...

Is 36

I recently got a rulebook written by an artist I ordered on Amazon. The way they numerically list the rules is weird:

...,30, 31, 32, 33, 33A, 35, 36,...

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A guy is walking down a boardwalk...

...when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs crying.

He approaches her and says, "Are you okay?"

She says, "I'm 36 years-old, I've got no arms, no legs, and I've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and gives her the most passionate, romantic kiss the world has ever seen...

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So John is driving across a long bridge. He's in a hurry and exceeding the speed limit. As he approached the end of the bridge there is a state trooper with a radar gun. John gets pulled over. The trooper comes to his window and says, you were 15 over. John replies, I'm a doctor and I have a patient

That desperately needs my help. Last month I helped him stretch his ass hole to 18 inches. 3 weeks ago I stretched it to 36 inches, two weeks ago it was 48 inches. Last week it was 60 inches. Now I'm going to stretch it to 72 inches. The trooper asks what is a 72 inch (6 foot) asshole going to do. J...

A midwife calls a doctor

“Doctor she’s been in labor for 36 hours we need to do a c section.”
“Not so fast,” says the doctor “there’s one more thing to try”

He goes to the obviously pained mother to be and says “what do you call maids in space.”

After the woman gives him a blank stare the doctor says “Va...

I hate when people talk about their kids age in weeks and months.

"Jessica said her first word at 36 weeks!"

You mean 9 months.

"Ken is 24 months!"

Deborah, he's 2.

"My baby is -26 weeks old!"

No, Karen, you miscarried.

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I was running late to the first match of the cricket season.

As the opener, I just had time to throw on the pads and head out to the non-strikers end.

To my amazement my opening partner with the strike was a horse.

I watched as the first ball was bowled, a nice length, which the horse easily dispatched back over the bowlers head for a 6.
...

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A couple of India originated jokes

*****
What is the way to the cemetery?

Go straight and take the last rite
*****

2 men from Kerala get onto a bus in New York. They sit down & engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next 2 them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears...

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What do Jews and sweaters have in common?

They´re easier to find in 36 than 42

Brazilian Soldiers

An aide walks into the oval office. George W. Bush is currently president, and the Iraq war is dragging out into a long and grueling occupation. The aide presents the numbers from yesterday to the President.

"Mr. President, yesterday the US coalition forces killed a confirmed 36 insurgents....

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Steve was on a walking holiday in the Irish countryside

He was about to cross an old stone bridge when a small man jumped out from behind a rock

“I’m the lucky Irish leprechaun” he said “and for finding me today I’ll grant you 3 lucky wishes”

Steve couldn’t believe his luck, so for his first wish he asked for a million pounds

“Grante...

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

I bought a Lottery ticket today

Sven: "Ollie I bought a Lottery ticket today."

Ollie: "It looks like it has six numbers on it. 29, 4, 42, 11, 35, 36."

Sven: "What are the odds?"

Ollie: "29, 11, 35."

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Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored...

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
<...

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The therapist told my wife and I not to go to bed angry...

we haven't slept in 36 years.

The year is 2024

The year is 2024 and it’s time to decide a new President of the United States. There are three candidates for the American people to choose from: Joe Biden, looking to hold onto the Presidency, Donald Trump, looking to regain it, and Obama in a sombrero and fake moustache calling himself “Juanbama”....

Two old guys in a supermarket wandering about, looking lost...

One says to the other "Lost the other half?"

"Yup" he replies.

"Me too. Let's join forces to find them. What does yours look like?"

"She's 25, six foot blonde, 36 double-D, long boots and a short skirt".

"Good. We'll look for yours first".

A farmer had a sheepdog...

The farmer sent his sheepdog to go and round up all of the sheep into the pen. The sheepdog did this and then came back to the farmer and said, "I've collected all 40 of the sheep into the pen". The farmer goes and checks just to make sure but he only counts 36 sheep. He asks his sheepdog about thi...

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Presidential Race

No one voted in the presidential election because everyone was so upset with the shit show. While trying to figure out what to do, Obama suggests an actual presidential race around the white house. They let bernie sanders run but since he's old he takes 24 mins. Trump goes and gets a time of 14:36. ...

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A fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches..

A fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrat...

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