This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he ap...

I used to be able to hold my breath for 45 seconds

Then I learned I didn’t know how to count.

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A 45 y.o. married woman went for a medical check-up

After she returned home she says to her husband:
'Good news, everything is ok, & the doctor even said I have the breasts of a 25 y.o. woman'


Husband says: 'Oh really, & what did he say about your 45 y.o. ass?'


Wife: 'Funnily enough, your name never came up'

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

England is finally honoring it's longest river entirely in it's border by making repairs to the over 45 navigation locks used for transportation, improving the many drinking water systems abstracting flow from it's discharge into the sea, and providing for wildlife sanctuaries near the coast.

The people will vote on the entire referendum poised to fund the project.

It's called the Bond...the Thames Bond....

"I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.

The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the ...

What concert costs 45¢?

50 cent feat. Nickelback

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Sex and Golf

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to first-year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know...

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar, but a 45 minute walk from the bar to my house...

The difference is staggering

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

Divorced after 45 years.

An elderly man in Oklahoma calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day son, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting a divorce; 45 years of marriage... and that much misery is enough!"

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son yells.

"We can't ...

I heard this one 45 years ago, I hope its correct.

After high school I took a year break before college. I decided to take a position on a local fishing boat. I started off as the guy how cuts all of the bait for the seasoned fisherman. By the time summer was over I had worked my way up to the main guy who baited all of the hooks. I asked the captai...

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

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"A 45 minute nap should set me straight "

8 hours later : wakes up as a gay

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

One day Mr. Johnson was sitting alone in his house when the phone rang. Mr. Johnson answered it. "Who is this?" he asked.

"I am the viper," said the voice on the other line. "I'll be at your house in an hour."

Mr. Johnson laughed and hung up the phone. "He's just playing a prank on me," he said, and went back to what he was doing.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang again. "Who is this?" asked Mr. Johns...

Did you know that a piranha can devour a child down to the bone in less than 45 seconds?

Anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

The contactless card transaction limit is to rise from £45 to £100

For some, this is the most they’ll have spent with no touching since the strip clubs closed.

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An individual walks into a restaurants, orders and eats his meal

"That'll be $13.45." says the waiter.

The individual pulls out a $50 bill.

"Sorry, we've had issues with counterfeit money lately. Do you have any smaller bills?" asks the waiter.

"Sure, no problem.." The individual pulls out a $25 bill, pays with it and leaves.

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

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Willie's Buds

A group of guys live and die for their Saturday morning golf game. One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join...

I was reversing my car in the garage and asked my son to spot me, and let me know when I hit the wall.

I heard a bang.
"3:45 PM", he said.

A cop pulls over a car going 45 mph down the highway.

As he walks up to the drivers side window he notices that it is a little old lady driving the vehicle with her friend in the passenger seat. When the old lady rolls down her window, the cop asks why she was driving so slow. The old lady simple replied that she was going the speed limit and gestured ...

A dog walked into a bar and asked for a beer.

One of the other bar patrons, a cowboy with a six-shooter, scoffed.

“I don’t want to drink at the same bar as a dog.”

The dog, offended, challenged the man to a fight. The man looked him up and down then dismissed the pup with a wave of his hand.

"I'm not killing a dog."

...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

So, Richard Feynman applies for a job...

Interviewer: Now comes the part of the interview where we ask a question to test your creative thinking ability. Don’t think too hard about it, just apply everyday common sense, and describe your reasoning process.

Here’s the question: Why are manhole covers round?

Feynman: They’re not...

my nagging wife died suddenly on a trip in Jeruselum

Funeral director: "Sir, it would cost about $45,000 if we send her home back to the states or $500 if we bury her here in Jerusalem"

Me: "ship her home"

Funeral director: "But sir, why don't you bury her here in the Holy Land and you can save money"

Me: "A long time ago a man wa...

Phew!! 45 minutes on the treadmill and I didn't die....

Maybe, I'll turn it on next time.

I'm 45 and I can't get school shooting jokes even though I have lived in America my entire life

I asked my friend and he said it's probably because they are aimed at a younger audience

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Truck driver Mike and the alien

I'm from Germany, so I hope it doesn't get lost in translation.
Mike the truck driver is on the highway at night when the radio station he's listening to sends a special report about UFO's and aliens been spotted only a bit in front of him. "... they're about 4 feet tall with arms reaching...

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 Cent feat. Nickelback


Go ahead, down vote me to oblivion

It's true that an NRA membership costs $45 per year, while Deer Lovers Anonymous is $60.

...but you get more bang for your buck.

If you sin 90 times you'll only be caught 45 times

Because Sin 90 = Cot 45

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A man is hitchhiking with his dog...

...and a gentleman in a car stops to pick him up, and says, "Sorry, I didn't see the dog, and I really don't want it in the car."

The hitchhiker replies, "He doesn't have to ride in the car, he can run really fast."

After insisting several times the dog can keep up the driver finally...

A Handful of Short Math Jokes

1. How do mathematician's scold their children?

* “If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times …”

2. A mathematician wanders back home at 3 A.M. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife. "You're late!" she yells. "You said you'd be home by 11:45!" "Actually," the mathematici...

A guy walked into a crowded bar waving his

unholstered pistol and yelled "I have a 45 Caliber Colt 1911 with a seven round clip plus one in the chamber and I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife."
A voice from the back of the room called out "you need more ammo!"

Working out changed my life, I dropped 45 pounds...

On my foot. I can never walk the same again

Spent 45 mins on the treadmill this morning

Tomorrow I'll try it turning it on

It took me only 5 minutes to walk to the pub, but 45 minutes to get back home.

The difference is staggering.

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The average speed of ejaculate leaving your body is 45 km/hr.

So *that's* why I got arrested in that school zone!

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A woman walks in with a huge grin on her face. Her husband asks "why are you so happy?". She says "I am 45 but my doctor told me that I've the breasts of an 18 year old. "Oh yea" quipped her husband. "What did he say about your 45 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up"

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There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.   Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.   The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new E...

A man is sent to prison for a long stretch...

He has been in prison before and his cell mate doesn't seem to want any trouble. He settles in. His first night after lights out, he is laying in his bed and hears someone call out, "Number 24!" This is met with a round of laughter. A little while later, someone yells, "Number 45!" Another round of ...

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I'm 45 and have the body of a 25 year old model

She's in my basement. What do I do?

Did you know that a Siberian Tiger can absolutely devour a 7-year-old girl in just about 45 seconds?

Anyways, I lost my job at the petting zoo, today...

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My grandma told me this joke.

An older gentlemen with some money in his pocket was heading down an old country dirt road with peddlers and wares dealers every few miles.

He runs across a man with several of the biggest roosters he's ever seen, at a price even better. He has to have one, so he says "Sir! Sir! I must have o...

Everyone at the restaurant we were dining at were disgusted when they found out I was 45 and my wife was 20...

It completely ruined our ten year anniversary.

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Jesus Christ ! In a drunken stupor last night, I ingested 45 Viagra pills.

Don't worry. I'm okay now.
But the wife -- she took it pretty hard.

I've been clean for 45 days now

It's been tough taking a shower everyday, but at least I have the heroin to help me get throught it.

A 45 year old IT contractor was visited by Death one evening

**IT contractor:** No it can't be, I've still got so much of my life to live, I'm still so young!

**Death:** Son, by my calculations, you should be 85, judging by the way you've filled your work time sheets up all these years!

Im 45 years old and I just bought my very first sports car. My girlfriend thinks I’m going through a midlife crisis.

But what would she know? She’s only 18.

A 60 years old billionaire marries a hot 25 year old girl..

After hnoeymoon they throw a party celebrating their marriage...

After a few drinks, billionaire’s friends want to know the secret of how he landed 25 yo hottie..

‟It is simple” billionaire boasts....
‟I faked my age”

‟Yes, but even for a 40/45 years old guy...she is sensati...

Rock, Paper, Scissors!

The police just pulled me over and said, "Papers?", I said, "Scissors, I win!" and drove off. I think he wants a rematch-he's been chasing me for 45 minutes.

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I had sex for an hour and 45 seconds last night.

Thanks daylight savings!

I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

Everyone likes to laugh at other people's inability with numbers. However, 45% of people consider themselves bad at math, every twentieth member of the population hates decimals, 1 out of 5 people can't do mental arithmetic and 3/10 can't do fractions without a calculator.

Yet only one in a hundred find this funny.

A collection of jokes from Ancient Rome

Jokes of the Ancient Romans



Some provincial man has come to Rome, and while walking on the streets he was drawing everyone's attention, being a real double of the emperor Augustus. The emperor, having brought him to the palace, looks at him and then asks: "Tell me, young man, did you...

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My grandpa likes to boast that his bodily functions are like clockwork

Now he wasn't always like this so he's been taking extra pride in it:

"everyday I go to sleep at 21 o'clock.then at 5:30 a.m. I take a piss.At 5:45 I have a shit,and at 6 a.m. sharp I wake up."

What's the cheapest concert you could attend?

50 Cent featuring Nickleback.

Only $153.45 after taxes and Ticketmaster fees.

Teacher: "What is a compliment to a 45 degree angle?"

Student: "My you're looking acute today."

What concert costs 45 cents?

50 cent, featuring nickelback

A man came home from work one day and caught his best friend in the hall with his wife

They had all day to go to bed
Pulled out a .45, shot both of 'em
Next morning, his friend went down to the jail
He said, "Fred, don't take it so hard"
He said, "It could have been worse"
He said, "What you mean, it could have been worse?"
He said, "Man, two people dead. I might get...

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A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

A Jewish and an Italian boy were growing up on the same street in the Bronx and became fast friends. Mainly because they shared the same birthday.

On their 12th birthdays, the Jewish boy receives a Rolex watch. The Italian boy receives a chrome 45 cal pistol.

Comparing what each got for their birthdays, they decide to trade. The Italian boy comes home to show his father what a good trade he's made. The Italian father slaps the boy upsid...

A mathematics professor arrived home at 3 am drunk...

His wife was up waiting for him...

"You said you'd be home by 11:45!" she yelled

He responded, "No my dear, I said I'd be home at a quarter of 12."

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Great joke, particularly for married people.

The director of the CIA is testing loyalty of 3 new agents, ages 25, 35, and 45.  He puts each of their wives in 1 of 3 rooms.  He hands the 25 year old a gun and says, "go into the room and kill your wife."  The 25 year old says, "I can't do it, I love her too much."  The director hands the gun to ...

It takes 45 muscles to frown and 10 to smile:

Frown all day. Get ripped. Gains.

Are you a 45 degree angle?

Because you're acute-y.

What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

45 year old me: "Doctor, I have post birth depression." Doctor: "But you haven't birthed."

Me: "But I was born"

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A milkman gets an order for 45 pints of milk

Puzzled, he decides to ask the customer if this is a mistake.
When he knocks on the door, a woman comes out wearing just a bath towel, and she confirms that she wants 45 pints. "Milk baths are good for your skin," explains the woman.
"Oh, OK," replies the milkman. "Do you need it pasteurized t...

Why - what are YOU afraid of?

A cop pulls over a little old lady and asks for her license and registration.

The LOL says, "Before I reach for my license, you should know I have a .45 in my purse."

The cop says, "Thank you for telling me. Please move very slowly when you take out your license!"

The LOL says, ...

Dress really warm tomorrow...

... it’s going to be minus 45

I was out by Starbucks today and saw a woman taking a picture of her food. she was there for 45 minutes trying to get the perfect angle,

Then I realized I just started at a woman from across the room for 45 minutes.

Time for a maths joke. What's the result of 45 into 12?

25 to life.

Coroner: I have to say that the victim died at precisely 11 45 pm.

Detective: Are you positive?

Coroner: Its difficult with so many dead bodies lying around, but I’m hanging in there.

My friend, who's a shirt designer said he makes shirts in 45 seconds.

But I knew he was fabricating lies.

Walnut daiquiris

Old Doc Brown had a peculiar routine for the end of his workday. He would always stop at the bar on his walk home and slowly sip a walnut daiquiri. Like clockwork, 5 days a week for 20 years, Doc Brown would stroll in at 6pm, sit at the end of the bar, and drink his daiquiri.

Jack tended the ...

A news reporter returns to his job after 45 years

He would tell you what he found out, but you aren't a monk.

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45 Cents

A Jewish daughter says to her mother,
"I'm divorcing Nathan.
All he wants is sex, sex and more sex.
My vagina is now the size of a 50-cent piece,
when it used to be the size of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says …..
"You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman!
You live in a...

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

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My boss fired me because I spent the last 45 minutes taking a crap.

I can’t see why he can’t clean his desk and move on.

A man is driving down a country road

He glances out the window and sees a chicken running along side the car. He does a double take, and notices that not only is the chicken running right along his car, the chicken also has three legs!


Shocked, he looks at his speedometer and sees he's going 35 miles an hour.


He ...

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Did you know the average age of a professional curler is 45? Pretty much making the sport immune from performance enhancing drugs...

Unless they start testing for Viagra. Then the sport would be between a ROCK and a HARD PLACE.

My friend told this to me the other day, so I apologize if this is a repost or anything like that.

A man is pulled over for speeding.

Police Officer: Sir, were you aware you were going 68 MPH on a 45?

Man: No sir.

Officer: Well, you were, and that's far too high. You'll have to be in court.

Man: Well, can you at least raise the number a bit so we can get the judge to s...

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My friend finally got married at 45...

I asked him how his wedding night was:

- I fucked up so bad! When we were done, I got a 100$ bill and left it on her nightstand out of habit!
- Shit, what happened?
- That's when it got worst. She gave me back change!

--------

PS. Roughly translated from my native language...

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office

But she belonged to someone else... One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick ...

How did the GOP shoot themselves in the foot?

With a Cult 45.


***
Also works with, “How does a democracy die?”, etc.

Sorry if someone already thought of this, thought it was clever and didn’t see it after a quick glance.

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM

A mathematician comes home at 3:00 AM and gets a good shouting at from his wife

"You said you'd be home at 11:45, this is so unlike you!

The mathematician calmly responds,"No dear I said I'd be back home at a quarter *of* twelve."

A man sleeps until 12:30, because it's the weekend and he doesn't have work.

He would have slept longer, but at 12:30 his wife yelled: "Wake up, you've slept long enough!" The man, annoyed, grumbles: "Why?" His wife, also annoyed, asks: "Haven't you got some things to do around the house?!" The man, checking his phone, says: "Oh yeah, I have a nap at 12:45, so wake me up at ...

Q: Why did the 30-60-90 triangle marry the 45-45-90 triangle?

A: They were right for each other

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

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Alexa, I am feeling that I want to have sex.

Alexa :
Most certainly... Don't worry. I am dimming the lights. Setting your AC to 22 C degrees.

The Viagra is kept on the top right shelf of your wardrobe. The gel is kept next to it.

I have hired your favorite Thai masseuse. She is just 12 minutes away as per her Uber ride status....

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