UPJOKE
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56 Jokes

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Approximately 56% of strippers are working their way through college.

This, according to the latest pole.

56 years ago a prophet predicted Sean Connery's death.

Instead of: I expect you to die at the ripe old age of 90 while you sleep Mr. Sean Connery.

They ad libbed: I expect you to die Mr. Bond

Fun fact: Cats can understand around 56 vocal commands.

They just choose to ignore all of them.

One gallon of gasoline contains roughly the amount of energy required for a human to live 56 years

Therefore, if you chug two gallons of gasoline you'll never have to eat again!

If 56 = 7*D then how do we solve for D?

8=D

How did the cavemen survive the asteroid that killed all the dinosaurs?

Social distancing, they stayed 56 million years apart.

I have now stolen 56 copies of the board game "Risk" from local retailers.

When they eventually catch me, I'll say "Life is all about taking Risks."

What do you call a white supremacist with an IQ of 56?

Gifted.

44% of Marriages end in divorce.

That means 56% of marriages are fatal.
I love statistics.

I haven't had a repost since 1956

A woman asked an Army General when the last time he had made this post. The general replied "1956, ma'am." The woman, in disbelief, said "1956?! That early? Come with me and let me make your night better." The woman and general went back to her apartment and made passionate reposts for over an hour....

Radio One has banned its DJs from playing Madonna songs, saying that at 56 she is old and irrelevant.

Yeah, at the BBC they only like them young.

Study shows that...

Study shows that if you say 'study shows that' before saying a statement, people are 56% more likely to believe you and this number can increase to 71% if you add a random statistical data and to further amp up this number to 82.3% you can include decimals in that number as well.

2/22/22 may seem cool...

but I was around for 12:34:56 7/8/90

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die

A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is.

“I’m a Christian” says the first man.

“Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be...

dad, can i have 1 crypto please?

what?

you want $5,47?

what you want to do with $17,56?

do you realize that $200,94 is alot of money?

here $7,32 for you

Trump Today

Trump Today:

Missile #1: "You're fired!"

Missile #2: "You're fired!"

Missile #3: "You're fired!"

And so on 56 more times.

Test

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note sayin...

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Geography of a Woman vs a Man

Between 18 & 22 a woman is like Africa... half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 23 & 30 a woman is like America... well developed & open to trade, especially for high financed investors.

Between 31 & 45 a woman is like India... ver...

I'm down to eating only one meal per day.

It's 56 courses and it takes me two days to finish.

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Between the ages of 16 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored...

Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

Between the ages of 46 and 56 she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.
<...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

How many Redditors does it take to make a joke parodying a joke about changing a lightbulb?

57. One of them came up with the joke, and the other 56 reposted it 3 months later.

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Meanwhile in Heaven's pub

Angel:8
.
.
.

God:9
.
.
.

Angel: we shouldn't do this while drunk
.
.
.

God: pfft, 10
.
.
.

Angel: 30
.
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God:50!
.
.
.

Angel: okay..56?
.
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God: haha fuck you! 100!.
.
.
.<...

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

You must be an Engineer...

(I'm fairly new to reddit, so I hope this isn't an old one.)

A guy is lost on a hot air balloon ride. After some time, he sees a man in a field and lowers the balloon to ask for directions.

"Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?" he calls down.

The man in the field thinks ...

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A first grader kid, John, always asked his teacher, Kate, to place him in a higher grade's class.

"You put me in the wrong class, madam" he says, "I am at least as smart as my older sister bu she is in the third grade, I am not!"

He complained so much that Kate decides to take him to the principal and she tells the story. "Hmm" principal says, "Let's check if it's true or not. If he deser...

My dad recently passed away and loved dirty jokes. I need some new ones to cheer me and my family up.

Last week, my dad unexpectedly passed away at the age of 56. One of the many things my family loved about him was his tendency to tell dirty jokes at the most inappropriate times. Does anybody have any good ones? Hearing some new dirty jokes would really help cheer me and my family up.

My good deed for the day.

This morning at the Tesco check out I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £56.83 but when she counted out all her change she only had just under £50. I thought she was probably someone’s Nan and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Nan out in that situation. She didn’t wa...

Husband - My wife is missing. She went out yesterday and has not come home...

*Police Sergeant*:
What is her height?

*Husband*:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of eyes?

*Husband*:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

*Sergeant*:
Colour of hair?

*Husband*:
Changes a couple times a ...

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A man walks into a bar with an ostrich.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich. He sits down at the bar, and the bartender asks him: "What can I get ya?"
The man: "I'll have two whiskeys please."
"That'll be $5.56.
The man pulls out exactly 5 dollars and 56 cents from his pocket. He puts it down on the bar, takes his whiskey, dri...

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Emerson, Lake, and Palmer walk into a bar. . .

RESUBMITTING WITHOUT LINKS



Picture it. June, 1971. London.



Keith Emerson, Greg Lake and Carl Palmer are celebrating the release of their album Tarkus at the Seven Stars Pub.



Very quickly, both ELP and their BACs are riding high.

Nothing can spoil t...

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Old soldier

An old soldier is standing around at a party looking lonely. A pretty young woman comes up and says hi and asks why he looks so sad. He replies, "I haven't had sex since 19.40". She looks shocked, smiles and says, "we can fix that" and off they go for a quickie. They both return to the party and the...

Carlos was the proud owner of a Mexican Bed & Breakfast in Cancun...

It was founded by his Great-grandfather in the 1800s. He had come to Mexico from Spain and bought the run-down place with a loan from from a businessman back home. Through hard work and sheer determination, he had built the place up to a relatively successful B&B.

After his death, he lef...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

A guy ends up in prison.

At the cafeteria, he's eating lunch when somebody across the room stands up and shouts, "31!" The room instantly bursts into laughter. The guy is puzzled. A few minutes later, somebody else stands up and shouts, "76!" Again, a great response. People hoot and holler until the guards tell them to calm...

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The results from the 2016 Presidential Election are in...

Turns out no one in the fucking country voted, so President Obama took it upon himself to come up with a way to decide the next President. He told Bernie, Trump and Hillary that they would have an actual race. One lap around the White House and the fastest time would be the next Commander In Chief.<...

This joke was originally written in Klingon; I hope I've got the translation right...

A new prisoner named Andy arrived at the prison. Andy had never been in prison before, so everything was new and strange.

Before long he met Bob, who sort of showed him around, introduced him to a few other prisoners, and helped him start to learn the ropes.

That evening, when t...

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Guy brings his friend to r/jokes club

A guy who was a regular member of r/jokes club, once brought his friend to one of his club gatherings.
While there, a club member yelled "56" and everybody started to laugh. Later, another club member yelled "3543" and everyone laughed again.
This confused the friend, so he asked the guy for a...

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Army Dog

A guy is driving around the back woods of Georgia and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog for Sale .'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Beagl...

Have no new jokes been created in the world?

This subreddit reminds me of a joke since I've heard all the jokes here before. I was once a frequenter of alt.tasteless.jokes so know them all...yes, I was reading jokes when most of you were just an itch in your daddy's pants...

A man decides to have a game of golf and comes across a group...

One fine night at an Indian restaurant

Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I lo...

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