43 Jokes - 75 Hilarious 43 Jokes

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

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We have just admitted a 43 year old man who came in with 9 plastic horses shoved up his rectum

We've listed his condition as 'stable'

I heard the new Tom Cruise movie has a run time of 2 hours and 43 minutes.

So then I asked “how long is the rest of the movie?”

Instead of buying twitter for $43 billion

Elon Musk could add another $8 billion and clear the external debt of Sri Lanka.
He can rename it Ceylon Musk.

I mailed you a joke from 12 miles away at 43,200 miles per hour.

It might take a second for you to get it.

43 days!

A group of blondes walks into a bar with a picture of Elmo. They set the picture on a table and order several bottles of champagne. As the waiter returns with their champagne, the blondes are chanting, "43 days! 43 days! 43 days!" Intrigued, the waiter asks them what is going on. One of the blondes ...

Recent studies show that 43% of women have used vibrators...

From this, we can conclude that the other 57% bought theirs new...

Since I'm 43....

If we're speaking rationally, I'm in a prime of my life.

Think of 43

Just take a minute and think of the number 43.

It is not divisible by any smaller number, except 1.

It is a prime number!

Isn't that nice?

Thank you for your undivided attention.

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A couple goes to a sex therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks i...

Throughout WWII, my great-grandfather was responsible for 43 German planes going down.

He was the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

I've just spent the last 43 minutes trying to fix a broken clock.

At least I think it was 43 minutes.

My grandfather killed 43 German pilots during World War 2.

Honestly though it’s on them for making an alcoholic a Luftwaffe mechanic

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My wife told me women can multitask better than men.

I told her,”No they cant and I can prove it.”she said, “ OK prove it.”

I said,”Shut the fuck up and cook my breakfast.”

She couldn’t do either one.

Bottle Number 43

A new miracle doctor comes to town, who people say could cure anything. John, the local doubting Thomas, decides to prove the doctor a fraud.
He goes to the doctor and says: "Hey, doc. I've lost my sense of taste." The doctor thinks a while, scratches his head and tells John: "What you need is ...

Swedish astronomer Andres Celcius died in 1744 at the age of 43

Though his rival, Fahrenheit, was convinced he was 103.

How many times does 43 go into 9?

The priest won't tell you, but *he knows*.

So far 42 out of 43 presidents actually ran for office.

FDR just kind of rolled himself in there.

The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”

"That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.

He li...

I had a Red Hot Chilli Peppers CD for 4 minutes and 43 seconds

After hearing this one track, I decided to give it away give it away give it away now.

I’m binging a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes. Specifically episode number 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, and 97.

Those are only available on Amazon Prime.

George Bush and his son like to refer to each other as "41" and "43."

I don't know why they'd be so proud of IQ's that low.

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?' God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy t...

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

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443rd day without sex:

Watching the clock at 4:43 just to see when it's gonna be on all fours.

A man has Super Bowl tickets

A man and his new wife make a pact to go to every Super Bowl. After 43 years the wife passes away, but the man continues their tradition and goes to the next super bowl. Another man sitting in the same row sees the empty seat next to the man and asks "why is this seat empty? It's the super bowl?" An...

What's the difference between a homeless man and a musician?

$2.43 in change.

Tim asked his bitcoin investing brother

For $10 worth of bitcoin

B: $9.34? Why do you need $10.35 of bitcoin?

T: I just want to start investing for college?

B: Ok, I just sent you $24.39 of bitcoin for you.

T: Thanks! Why did you give me more than I asked you for?

B: I gave you $15.43...

What's the fastest way to become a Millionaire?

Be a Billionaire and invade Ukraine.

>NK Lukoil PAO
>
>6.96 USD
>
>\-84.96 (-92.43%)past month

Golfing

Al and Bob were on the 9th green getting ready to putt just as a funeral is passing by. Al takes off his hat, holds it to his chest and bows his head in a moment of silence.
After joining him an emotional Bob says "What a nice gesture Al, showing respect like that"
Al grabs his putter out...

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So I borrowed money from a buddy who runs a school…

I thought I paid him back but then he tells me I still owe him $8.43. It was then I realized I had only paid the principal

A man makes a bet with his boss

He bets $500 that he can lick his eyeball.

Laughing the boss agrees.

The man takes off a fake eyeball and licks it.

The boss angrily gives him the $500.

The man then bets $500 he can bite his own ears.

The boss pulls his ears to check if the man is wearing any fake...

Facelift

Jacqueline was a very attractive woman but she was feeling a little insecure about the wrinkles that began appearing on her face once she turned 40. After trying to deal with the wrinkles using make-up for a few years, she decided to get a facelift on her 43rd birthday. She spent her savings, $10,00...

Man killed on golf course

A foursome of guys waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women were hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies were taking their time. When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it 10 feet. Then she went over and whiffed it completely. Then she hacked it another ten feet and f...

woman decides to get cosmetic surgery

She gets a face lift, a nose job and implants.

She was feeling a bit insecure about it after so on her first day out she goes to a restaurant. She asks the man behind the register what he thinks her age is. He guesses early 30s and she is delighted and says I am 43.

S...

I started dry January, before January.

I am proud to say, I've been sober now for 43 days.

Not in a row or anything just in total.

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Ant

1. 5 ants + 5 ants = Tenants
2. To bring an ant from another country into your country = Important
3. Ant that goes to school = Brilliant
4. Ant that is looking for a job = Applicant
5. A spy ant = Informant
6. A very little ant = Infant
7. An ant that uses a gun = Militant
8. ...

I'm still a bit shaken up. I was involved in a violent mugging this morning.

On the plus side I did make $43 and I think the watch looks really good on me.

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A guy is flying in a hot air balloon and is lost

So he lowers himself over a field and shouts to a guy on the ground:

"Can you tell me where I am, and which way I'm headed?"

- "Sure! You're at 43 degrees, 12 minutes, 21.2 seconds north; 123 degrees, 8 minutes, 12.8 seconds west. You're at 212 meters above sea level. Right now, you'r...

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Two old lawyers who haven't seen each other in years finally get together to have some lunch.

"Life is good," one says, but lately I've noticed I've been getting pretty old. Like, I've been having a Freudian slip or two."

"How do you mean?" says the other.

"Well for instance, last week I was at the train station and I was headed to Pittsburgh. And when I walked up to the counte...

If I had a quarter everytime I got told I suck at math..

I’d have $10,43 right now.

If I had a million dollars for every time I lost money...

I'd have $43.

A chemist walks into a pharmacy...

With a pained expression the chemist asks the pharmacist for some acetylsalicylic acid.

The pharmacist looks confused as he asks, "You mean aspirin?"

The chemist, still in pain replies with exasperation, "Yes! I can never remember that word." (Credit to Mr. Wilgus, my high school chemi...

A cashier is ringing up a customer...

Customer: Alright here you go $6.43, perfect change!

Cashier: CONGRATULATIONS! You're the 50th person to pay in exact change, you know what you get now?

Customer: No, what?!?

Cashier: Nothing!

I woke up this morning and realised I didn't have to go to school today. I was so happy...

then I remembered I'm an unemployed 43-year-old.

So a brunette is walking back and forth across railroad tracks...

...and ever time she crosses she says, "42! 42! 42!"

A blonde happens upon her and is perplexed by what she is seeing. After watching her a while, the blonde determines that it looks like fun, and joins the brunette on the tracks saying, "42! 42! 42!"

Soon the Five O'clock Express come...

A woman visits a gynecologist

A woman goes to see a gynecologist for an exam. She is a new patient for the doctor so he has to ask her a few questions. She also happens to be very attractive which flusters the doctor.

"So...uh, when was...when was the last time you had...uh, a check up...uh, a check up there?", he asks...

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar

A man walks into an unfamiliar bar in a small town he just moved in to, orders a drink and quietly sits down at the bar.

Shortly after, another man drinking at a table stands up, and shouts "43!" and everyone in the bar bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

The man shrugs it off, and co...

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation

Today at work we had a mock emergency evacuation. Last time we did this we got out of the building in 43 seconds.

When the alarm went off today we all ran out, but I accidentally bumped a drill off one of the tables.

The supervisor said “We got 40 seconds so we have beaten our previo...

A blonde changed her hair color

There was a blonde who was fed up with all the blonde jokes she had heard. So she changed her hair color to to brown.

She was driving along a country road and saw a shepherd herding sheep. She stopped and dared the shepherd. She asked if she could take a sheep if she could guess how many of t...

The Job Interview

\- Name?

\- Angus MacTavish.

\- Age?

\- 43.

\- Place of birth?

\- Isle Of Rum.

\- Slow down, we'll get to your hobbies later.

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with a tickle of a man's balls...

A man gets out of hospital after having plastic surgery on his face. Happy with the work he goes to the nearest bar, orders a drink and asks the barman, "How old do you think I am?". The barman looks at him "42... 43?", the man then quickly replies " I'm 54! Ha!", finishes his drink and leaves.
<...

[Long] A man goes to prison.

As he sits on his cot wondering how to pass the time, he hears an inmate down the hall shout "59" followed by groans from the other inmates.

He thought that was odd, but then someone else timidly calls out "43", followed by more groaning.

"What's going on?" he asks his cellmate.
...

A man reached the top of the mountain and tells the sage atop it “I seek one greater than the meaning of life itself.”

The sage replies “43.”

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“Son, get up! You have to go to school!.”

“I don’t want to go Dad. The kids make fun of me, bully me around and laugh at my face everyday. “
“I understand son, but you are 43 and you’re the Principal. Get up !”

A story of a doctor and a little girl.

A little girl and her mum went to the doctor. The girl asked “How old are you?” The doctor replied,
“I’m 43”
“That’s old!”
And the Doctor said, “ Yes, but well you’re going to die before I die.”

Every single person my age...

...is 43.

A winter storm blew in from the east during the Revolution

General Washington decided he needed to find a place to stay for him and his 43 men. The first place they found was a farm. The farmer, seeing just how many men the General had knew he couldn’t keep almost most of them on the farm, but was wanted to help the cause so in compromise he agreed to let j...

How to be depressed

Step 1. Go to 1973 and sell 10% shares of apple for $800

Step 2. Realise those 10% is worth $43 billion nowadays.

Priest and Pilot

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather
jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?'

The guy repli...

A 3.14 meter long snake !

What do you call a 3.14 meter long snake ?

- a "Py"thon

What do you call a 43 kilometre long snake ?

- a marathon !

The ugly club was going to Disneyland!

When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.

Each person asks for the same thing, “I want to be the most beautifu...

Blondes are tired of people making fun of them.

Blondes across the world set up a convention to prove to everyone that they aren’t dumb. Thousands show up.

The main event begins. The announcer on stage goes, “We are tired of people thinking we’re dumb, so we’re here to prove everyone wrong!”

He points to a random blonde woman in the...

A man decided to rest after taking a drive...

And goes to sleep in his car. Minutes later a cyclist knocks on his window, waking him up and asks, "Excuse me, do you know what the time is?".The man replies, Sorry, I don't know the time." After going back to sleep, he is awoken again by a jogger, who asks, "Sorry, but do you know what the time is...

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Official outdoor temperature scale

Official outdoor temperature scale:

+10 Residents of Vilnius apartments wear sweaters and put on wool socks. The Finns plant flowers.

+5 Finns sunbathe in the sun.

+2 Italian cars don’t start.

0 Distilled water freezes.

-1 Breathing becomes visible. It's time ...

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A husband and wife are playing golf...

A husband and wife are playing golf at a very high end golf course that's right next to an even fancier neighborhood. They tee off on the 3rd hole and the husband's drive veers sharp to the left, sending the golf ball through the window of an extravagant, luxurious home. Clearly the most expensive h...

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Yellow 24

A man goes to the doctor feeling ill. After checking the man over the doctor looks worried ‘ I don’t know how to break this to you, but you have a terminal disease known as yellow 24. Your blood will turn yellow and you only have 24 hours to live. I suggest you go and spend time with your loved ones...

A new redditor stumbles upon /r/jokes...

While reading the rules, he sees a new post simply titled: "43."

It gets upvoted and the comments are filled with "lol" and "made my day."

After a little while, another post appears: "37."

Again, upvotes, and people laughing.

Confused, the redditor messages the mods:...

A man goes into an antique shop

He sees a very attractive cabinet on sale for $1500, and he asks the owner why it's so expensive, wondering if it was by a famous cabinetmaker. But the owner says, "No, it's a magic cabinet!"

"How do you mean?" says the customer.

"Well, watch this," says the owner. "How many grandc...

A farmer returning home

Through town, laden down with several purchases -- a duck, an anvil, a bucket, and two chickens -- encountered an old widow lady who asked him, "Sir, do you know how to get to 43 Cherry Tree Road?"

"I'm on my way to 42 Cherry Tree Road, so I'll show you the way, ma'am."

They continued ...

A Doctor tries to con an Engineer

There was an Engineer who was unemployed for a very long time. Being unable to find any kind of work, he decided to open up a medical clinic. He put up a sign outside the clinic that said "We guarantee we can find a cure for your ailment, for the price of $500. If we fail to do so, we will compensat...

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A teacher tells her class to learn the first five letters of the alphabet

A teacher gave her kindergarten class to go home and learn the first five letters of the alphabet so Kyle goes home and asks his mom who is on the phone, what is the first letter of the Alphabet? she says Shut Up! he then goes to his sister who is playing guitar and asks what is the second letter...

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :

>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.

The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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