UPJOKE
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Iii Jokes

In ancient Rome, there were 4 kinds of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would kill you instantly.

Poison IV would just make you itchy.

In order to attract women I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

"Hello."

Charles III

Charles: *orders* GET ME A F’ing CUP OF TEA! Two Sugar. Asap.

Servant: *mumbles* who died and made you King..!?

50 Jokes for 50 US States Part III

# Arizona

Its so hot in Arizona, cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.



Disclaimer: This is not my joke. And I sure hope that its not a repost from any of the subs. I am sure that there will be numerous variations out there. So just wanted to let ...

What did Richard III say when the snowstorm stranded him several miles from his campsite?

Now is the winter of our distant tent

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A benefit of Charles III ascension to the throne

Once they change the picture on the money to the new King, Andrew won't have to tuck a picture of his mother into the G-strings of strippers.

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World War III

Donald Trump and Marco Rubio are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman,
'Isn't that Trump and Rubio sitting over there?'
The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!
What are you guys doing in here?' <...

How do you make sure World War III never happens?

You sell the rights to Valve.

"God Save the Queen" seems an ill-fitting anthem following the coronation of King Charles III

The obvious choice for the replacement is the "Charles in Charge" theme song.

Did you hear about the cat that got cast in Richard III?

Meow is the winter of his discontent.

King Charles III was a very good cello player when he was young.

He’s an Artist formerly known as Prince.

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

A king has 3 cups in front of him. The first 2 cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name?

King Philip III

Somebody asked me about my thoughts on Assassin’s Creed III...

I told him that it’s a pretty revolutionary game.

William Shakespeare is Meeting Felipe III, the Spanish king at the time...

And after a great first meeting, he finds themselves becoming fast friends. However, he is unsure how now to address his new friend. By his first name? By his title? With deference or informally?
He struggles and struggles.
Finally, after a long sleepless night, he begins to think a quick and ...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Why were Star Wars Episodes IV, V, and VI released before Episodes I, II, and III?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

Bubba n' Buford III

Bubba n' Buford jes left Texas A&M where they'd attend a seminar entitled "Advanced Composting" n' were a headin' back up Highway 79 towards east Texas. After a bit they got into an argument over whether Marquez was pronounced Mar-KEY or Mar-KAY. Well, they decided since they were about to go ...

Bishop Charles Ellis III has spoken of his embarrassment over groping Ariana Grande..

He says he felt a right tit.

TIL King George III had a strong distaste for The Colonies

In fact he found them revolting.

The parking spot on Richard III's grave was restricted...

Only two-door cars were allowed.

Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?

He was sofa king comfortable.

Wanna hear an old British joke?

King Charles III

The Ultimate Dad Joke said by a Mom

There was a beautiful, young woman named May. May Elizabeth to be precise.

May Elizabeth married a young man named Jack Johnson. She kept her maiden name, and stayed May Elizabeth.

This couple had a girl, and named her after the mother; May Elizabeth Jr. Now, May Elizabeth Jr finds her...

Mu favorite series of riddles when i was in high school. Hope you all like it as much as i did <3

Give 3 steps to put an elephant in a refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Put the elephant in
iii.Close it

AND THEN ASK

Give 4 steps to put a giraffe in the refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Take the elephant out
iii.Put the giraffe in
iv.Close it
...

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Superman is flying across town when

He spots Wonder Woman laying on a roof top naked. All exposed soaking up the sun. He thinks to himself, "I'm Superman. I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could swish down there, do a few pumps and be out before ya know it!"

So, Superman swoops down, pumps out at Mach III and is gone jus...

Donald Trump and Vladimir Putin meet with guests at the White House

One of the guests asks: “Mister President, what are you talking about with president Putin?” – “We are planning World War III.' - 'And what does it look like?' – Trump: “We will kill 4 million Muslims and a dentist...” The guest looks a bit confused: “Why a dentist?” - Putin claps Trump on the back ...

Did anyone see the new Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels movie last night?

Dumb and Dumber III: Lloyd and Harry Run for President.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

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A little bird was flying south for the winter.

It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and h...

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

CUL8R alligator, with lawyers...

Lawyer I: I'll sue you later, litigator.

Lawyer II: In a while, after the trial.

Lawyer III: Safe journeys, fellow attorneys.

“Nothing important happened today”

- personal diary of King George III, 4 July 1776

What's the difference between Russian football fans and an old drunkard in a bar at closing time?

Kicking the old drunkard out won't start world war III.

The American people should elect Gabe Newell president in 2020.

That way we can be 100% certain the President of the United States will not start World War III.

I can't believe they're still using that guy as a Subway spokesperson!

Robert Griffen III is terrible!

Henry Tudor: "I'm going to build a car park in the centre of Leicester."

Richard III: "Over my dead body."

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Apparently not five, my basement is still dark.

(taken from this page: https://www.facebook.com/ImammahdidailyIII?fref=ts)

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How are eating a girl out and working for the CIA similar?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

(Thanks to u/Gary_III for pointing out the mistake last time

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar

Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar. The bartender sees them chatting, so he goes over to them and says "Wow, what an honor to have the two of you here! What are you guys talking about?"

Trump responds with "We are planning our tactics for World War III."

Curious, the barten...

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A man walks into a bar

and the bartender asks "so what'll it be?"

The man sighs, and takes a seat. After a long pause he says "I'll take a pint of ale, but after I tell you this story, you may end up buying it for me."

"Well, I guess it'd have to be one hell of a story."

"Well, you see, you know that...

Loving relationship with your husband.

There was a group of women gathered at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with your husband. The women were asked:

'How many of you love your husbands?'

All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband yo...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

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College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

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