UPJOKE
ropetethercollarleadrestrainttreytrinitytrioiiiternarythreethreesometriplet3deuce-ace

Leash Jokes

What do you call a man who can perform any task to an adequate degree and keeps a holy woman on a leash?

Jack of all trades, master of nun.

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator on a leash... (NSFW)

As he walks in, all the patrons of the bar gasp.

The man then says, "Relax. He is very trained. Here; watch!"
He plops his 5 foot long pet alligator on the bar counter and says, "Open!"
The alligator's mouth opens wide, then the man unzips his pants and proceeds to stick his d*ck in it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The shocked bartender exclaims, "Whoa, you can't bring that dangerous animal in here, sir!"

"Don't worry," the man replies. "He's perfectly harmless. Watch, I'll put my balls in his open mouth for five minutes and he won't so much as nick t...
AI Image Generator

I saw a man with a penguin on a leash

I saw a man walking with a penguin on a leash

I said to him "That penguin is a wild animal. You need to take it to the zoo."

The man thought for a moment and said "You are absolutely right. I'll take him now."

The next day I saw the man again. He was still walking the penguin on...

A fool is walking down the street, dragging a brick on a leash behind him.

A cop sees him and says to himself: "I'll make fun of him."

He walks up to him and says: "Gee, you've got a nice dog!"

The fool replies, "Are you crazy? That's a brick!"

The angry cop walks away.

The fool turns to the brick and says, "We got him, didn't we, Rex?"

A lady walks in to her psychiatrist's office with a duck on a leash...

The doctor takes a look and says, "How can I help you, ma'am?"

"Thank you, doctor. But, it's not me, it's my husband. He thinks he's a duck."

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him

A young boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog on a leash behind him. He goes straight up to the pimp and says: "I need a girl for an hour.".

"Haha! You've got to be joking boy, you're just a kid!" replies the pimp.

Boy throws a pack of money onto the table.

Pimp: "Well, ...

I was walking my dog through the neighborhood when his leash broke, he ran off, and headed straight into a Chinese restaurant.

I ran inside and found him in the kitchen. To my horror, he was peeing on all the cookware! The cooks were yelling at him angrily, so I stepped in and said, "Please don't be mad at him. I'm the one who said he needed to go on a wok."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Zealander walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says....

"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."

The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says,
"If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."

The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian funeral

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man wal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with his monkey....

"Hey, you can't bring a monkey into my bar!" yells the barman.

"Ah, but he's trained and won't be a problem" replies man.

"Okay, but any funny stuff and you'll have to leave....what'll it be?" relents the barman.

"Just a beer would be great, thanks"

As the barman is pouri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. The bartender says, "Hey, come on man, you can't bring that thing in here, it's dangerous!"

The man responds, "No, watch, I'll prove it to you he is safe". He picks up the alligator and places him on the bar. He then taps the aliigator on t...

How does the blind skydiver know he’s about to land?

The dog leash slackens.

(Credit: My blind sister.)

An Irishman walks into an English pub with his dog on a leash

The barman looks at him and says, that's a strange looking dog you have What breed is it?
He replies it's a long-nosed, long-tailed, short-legged Irish terrier. They're bred as fighting dogs.

The barman says, Tell you what, I have a champion rottweiler out the back that has beaten every...

A man walks into a restaurant with an alligator on a leash.

He asks the waiter, "Do you serve children here?"

"Of course."

"Then I'll have pasta and my alligator will have some children."

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

Local police canine unit got all their leashes stolen today.

However, the case had to be closed due to the police having no leads.

A blind fella is in a department store walking up and down the aisles with a white cane in one hand while swinging a service dog on a leash above his head with the other hand. A store employee asks if he needs assistance.

The blind fella replies, “No thanks, just looking.”

What do you call 2 dogs with no legs on a leash?

A drag race

A man walks into a bar with a monkey on a leash

The bartender says “I’m sorry, but we don’t allow pets in here”

The man responds “Oh I’m blind, this little fella helps me see”

The bartender, a little confused, says “I’ve never heard of a seeing eye monkey before”

“They gave me a monkey?!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog gets excited every time I grab her leash

because she knows that means I'm about to choke myself while I masturbate.

To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash.

I'm sorry that I asked if he was a rescue

What do you call a pig on a leash?

Pulled Pork

I was gonna make a joke about my dog being a freak on a leash...

But it was too korny

What do you call a dog without a leash

It’s called a dog

To the lady at Tesco who had her kid on a leash...

I‘m sorry I asked if he was a rescue, and very thankful you didn’t sicc him on me.

A man, walking with a brick tied to a dog leash...

A policeman is walking down the road when he sees a man with a brick tied to a dog leash. He decides to go and humor him, walks up to the man and says, "Hello sir, I like your dog!"

The man looks at the brick, then the policeman, and says, "It's not a dog, it's a brick."

The policeman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash...

A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that everyone ...

A blind person walks into a bar, picks up her guide dog by the leash and starts swinging it above her head.

The bartender asks what she's doing, and the blind girl responds: "I'm just looking around"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Arab riding a camel with a goat on a leash?

Bisexual.

An angry man is walking through the bazaar with a bear on a leash

And he yells: Where's the guy that sold me a ''hamster'' last week?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a dead frog on a leash

little Johny goes walking down the street with a flat frog on a leash.
He goes straight to a brothel and says, "I need a women"
The house mistress is clearly not buying this boy.
"are you sure you know what you're doing?"
"I've got the money and I'm not leaving until I get what a came ...

A blind man stands in a store whirling a dog around his head with the leash.

A saleswoman asks “May I help you, sir?” “Nah, just looking around.”

How does a blind skydiver know when he's getting close to the ground?

The leash goes slack.

A Texan Is Walking Around Rural Ireland With A Very Aggressive & Dangerous Looking Pit Bull On A Leash.

He passes a ramshackle farm with an old man standing outside of it leaning on the gatepost & smoking a pipe who is looking very curiously at the pit bull.

Farmer:- "Bejaysus, what kind of dog is that??....NEVER seen one like it before!!"

Texan:- "Well sir, this here is what you cal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I was outside of a bar smoking a cigarette...

And I see this man walking an alligator on a leash and harness. As he aproaches the bar to enter, the bouncer stops him and says "hey man, are you serious? You can't bring that gator in here."
The man replies "come on he's on a leash and he is very well trained. I just want to grab one drink and ...

A Man is going for a Walk.

After walking for a few minutes, he comes across a strange Scene.

A Priest, followed by a few Men carrying 2 Coffins, followed by a Man with a Dog on the Leash and behind them.must be around 100 other Men in a row.

The Man aproaches the Dog owner.

Man:"Sorry but i just have to a...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck...

A man goes to the movie theatre with his duck. The ticket agent looks at the man and then at the duck, which is on a leash. The ticket agent states that the duck is not permitted in the theatre. The man explains that the duck is his service pet. However, because he didn’t have his service pet ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man named Dave…

… who lived alone in a small apartment. He was lonely and bored, so he decided to adopt a dog from the local shelter. He went there and saw many dogs of different breeds and sizes, but none of them caught his eye. Then he noticed a large, shaggy dog in the corner of the cage. It had long fur that co...

A man and a woman had a child together, but after two years the child had not yet said a word...

...After two years of waiting, the child suddenly says: "Grandpa, grandpa!" Ofcourse the parents are very happy that the child has finally said his first words, but the next day grandma calls and tells that grandfather has passed away.

After two weeks the child suddenly says: "Grandma, Grandm...

A blind man was describing his favorite sport-parachuting.

When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?”, he was asked.

“Well, I have a very keen...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man’s grandfather dies

A man’s grandfather dies and leaves him a farm. But he doesn’t have any animals. He goes for a walk and sees a sign that says animals for sale. He walks up and says I’d like a hen. The guy says alright we don’t call them hens we call em pullets. What else do you need? I need a donkey he says ok but ...

Was seeing a girl who had "I'm a dog person" on their dating profile.

I found it strange that she never introduced me to her dog though so I thought it might have died and never brought it up.

Around our 6 month anniversary she asked if we could spice things up. I said sure.

I was on the bed waiting and she came in on all fours wearing a wolf fursuit a...

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, in the Wild West….

Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

So, Fred found his way to a frontier town and became the bartender at the wildest saloon in the territory. He soon proved how rough and
tough he was, and the owner of the ...

A blind man walks into a bar with his guide dog.

Without saying a word, the man takes the leash of his dog and swings the dog above his head in a circle like a lasso.

After a short time, the barman finally asks "what are you doing?!"

Thereupon the blind man says: Oh, I just wanted to take a look around.

Jamie's house was ransacked and burglarized.

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with ...

The big duck

A man at an airport see a guy with a giant duck on leash

He asks : "Wow, where did you find this ?"

"Well, i found a magic lamp with a genie that granted me one wish, i can let you try it"

So the other guy grabs the lamp and starts to rub it

A genie come out : "I grant yo...

A blind man walks into a department store..

And after hesitantly taking a moment to listen to the sounds of his surroundings, he proceeds to the middle of the store, picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around by its’ leash in wide looping circles above his head.

Seeing this unfold, a store clerk quickly runs over before inte...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy walks into a bar.

He tips his hat to the bartender and sits at a booth in the corner.

A minute later, a priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk in and sit at a table.

Thirty seconds pass and a nun with a bullwhip leads an alligator on a leash to the cowboy’s booth.

Less than a minute goes by and a m...

Lady brings a bunny into a vet's waiting room.

A woman walks into a vet's waiting room. She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit does not want to be there. "Sit, Fluffy," she says.

Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.

"I said sit, now there's a good Fl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would a sadistic Sean Connery sex shop be called?

Lash But Not Leash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gorilla Hunting *long*

A very rich man decides that he is going to take a trip to Africa to hunt the legendary Great White Gorilla. But as he has no hunting experience, he places an ad to hire a hunting guide. Days go by and no one answers his ad. The man is scheduled to leave for his trip in 2 days and still not a single...

Blind person goes skydiving. How do they know when they'll hit the ground ?

There's less tension in the dog's leash.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gator

A guy walks into the bar with a gator on a leash, bartender looks down and says “what you doing in here with that reptile”. Guy says nothing and stands up on the bar.

“Ladies and Gentlemen. I propose a challenge, if I can place my balls in this gator’s mouth and remove them undamaged everyon...

Two old guys walk into a bar.

There was a dog on a leash outside licking its balls. One guy said “I wish I could do that”. The other guy said “how about you start petting him first”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

A man is out jogging

And man is out jogging and he sees a kid approaching in the distance.

As they get closer, the man can see the kid is in a little red wagon and is getting pulled by a dog.

As they get even closer, the man can see the kid has a fireman's helmet on.

Just as they were about to pass,...

What do my wife and dog have in common

They both get excited when i bring out the leash

A blind man walks into a bar.

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog.

He proceeds to aproach the bar and take a seat on a stool.

As the bartender begins to walk over, the blind man grabs the dog tightly by the collar and throws the dog over his head, swinging him around in circles by the leash.
...

I heard a woman on the street today tell her boyfriend “ALL MEN ARE DOGS!” during an argument....

But for some reason she wasn’t very happy when I asked if I could pet him.

And anyways, it was pretty irresponsible to have him off leash and all.

"Can I get a pet fox?"

While browsing the forums I read a simple post, the question "Can I get a pet fox?"

Clicking inside, I read the top answer. "You can't tame a fox, but you can leash it to a post." Which I thought was a really succinct and apt commentary on how exotic pet ownership is sometimes unfair to speci...

Scientists were studying rams

They had three rams in their lab. Each ram had a leather collar, and attached to each collar was a tag identifying them as A, B and C.

One of the researchers brought a large gourd from the supply closet and placed it on the head of Ram A. Nothing happened. After five minutes he removed the g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, Steve Irwin ........

walks into an outback pub with a 15 ft crocodile on a leash, sidles up to the bar and, with everyone watching, pulls out a screwdriver and whacks the crocodile on the head twice.

The crocodile slowly opens its jaws and lays there... Steve unzips and lays his dick in the crocs mouth, and whack...

A blind man walks into a bar....

A blind man walks into a bar with his seeing eye dog. At first he does nothing. Then he clenches the leash and starts swinging his dog around. Knocking things over, the dog’s barking.
The bartender asks, “What the hell are you doing?”
The blind man stops swinging his dog and speaks, “Oh you kn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longe...

Always be closing

Head car salesman Jeff, having just had a heart to heart with bottom performer Larry about how important getting his next sale was to keeping his job, walked back out onto the sales lot and into a sight that nearly caused him to have a coronary.

Larry, considered dim even by using LED bulb wa...

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad says anything

While out for a walk with my puppy on the community trail along the river this morning, I -a dad- came across an elderly gentleman who seemed inclined to give me an impromptu lecture on the etiquette of keeping dogs on leashes, as well as a short soliloquy on municipal governance bylaws and the vari...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and I took our dog for a walk.

But we don’t need a leash. Our dog is very well trained. She walks right along next to us until she needs to pee or poop, and then she walks away a short distance to do her business when she’s gotta go.

Today we were walking past a small pond near our home, and it’s winter and freezing outsi...

i'm trying to teach my dog the basics of physics and we're at "every action has an equal and opposite reaction"

when he pulls on the leash, so do i

Bruce the Aussie

Bruce the Aussie bloke walks into a dusty old bar deep in the outback. To everyone's surprise he has a five meter salty -- a crocodile -- on a leash.

"Roit!" he exclaims. "I'll bet everyone here that I can have my mate here" -- gesturing to the crocodile -- "clamp down on my donger for a fu...

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another dri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Antique shop

A blind man and his seeing-eye dog walk into antique shops.

Suddenly, the blind man grips tightly on the dog's leash and begins swinging him wildly over his head.

The shop owner yells out "What the fuck are you doing?!"

The blind man replies, "Just lookin' around".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is out walking her dog...

A woman is out walking her dog by the canal, close to the University. She decides to let it off the leash to stretch its paws. It's at this horrendous moment that it bolts straight into the canal and begins to drown.

Luckily, a German exchange student was having a stroll at the time, and dive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Awful Neighbors

"There is a huge house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of irritable dogs allowed to run without leashes.
Her car isn't taxed or insured and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.
To the best of my knowledge, she has neve...

I lost both my parents some years ago.

If only i had used a leash maybe they wouldn't have ran away.

A guy goes skydiving for the first time...

... and while he's in the plane he's looking at his fellow jumpers. He's quite surprised when he sees that among them is a blind man, with his guide dog. After a bit of internal debate about minding his own business, curiosity wins out and he decides to just ask.

"Excuse me, but are you blind...

A man is looking for a pet dog...

He's driving through the country when he spots an old guy sitting on his porch with a german shepherd.

He stops his car, gets out, and approaches the man. "That's a fine-looking dog you have there, sir. I would like to buy him. How does fifty bucks sound?"

The old man looks down at the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cop's first day

Determined to do well on his first day on the job, a rookie cop is out on his beat at 6am. The first person he sees on the street is an old man walking a brick on a leash. He thinks this man must be a bit slow so decides to be as friendly as he can.
Cop: Good morning.
Man: Morning
Cop: That...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fred loves camping, but his wife absolutely hates it (NSFW)

Every week Fred bugs his wife about it but its the same thing every time, she refuses to go camping. Finally having heard enough his wife says "fine, how about this? I have a list of things that need to be done around the house. If you finish everything on the list by Friday, I'll go camping with y...

A crazy guy went inside a police station

A crazy guy went inside a police station and stole all the K-9 units' leashes. Police says they have no leads

Taking my kraken out for a swim. Darn thing gets loose again.

Re-leash the kraken!

The man and his gator (long)

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and sits down at the bar. The Bartender walks over and asks why the man has brought an alligator into the bar. The man replies, " I have an offer to make".

The bartender being curious, says,"OK, what's the offer?". The man stands up and says...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Speech impediment

A guy with a speech impediment is walking down the street. He comes across a bakery and decides to go inside. He goes to the counter and says "Can I have a butt?" The woman says "A what?" A butt the man says again. "Ohh you mean a bun? The guy says ya ya just give me the butt and he walks out of the...

How a blind skydiver knows he's going to land?

Guide dogs leash gets loose

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

An Irishman walks into a bar, carrying a penguin under his right arm....

A crocodile on a leash in his left hand, and a parrot on his shoulder. He walks up to the bartender and says "I'll have three pints of Guinness please".

The bartender looks at the Irishman.

Looks at the penguin.

Looks at the crocodile.

Looks at the parrot.

Looks...

A Married Couple Go to A Pet Shop.

The person on the floor greets them and says, "Hello, welcome to our pet shop! How can I help you?" The wife responds, "Could you find me a pet leash?" The sales floor person responds, "Sure! Right this way!" And the husband replies, "Don't forget one for the dog!"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.