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3am Jokes

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Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

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My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!

Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

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A married couple is asleep when the phone rings at 3AM.

The wife answers it, and after a few seconds she replies, "How should I know? We're 300 miles inland."

The husband asks, "Who was that, dear?"

"I don't know. Some dumb bitch asking if the coast is clear."

A man is pulled over for recklessly speeding at 3am

The police officer demands to know: where are you rushing to at 3am?

The man answers: to hear a lecture.

The police officer asks: a lecture??? Who the hell is giving a lecture at this hour of the night?!?!

The man responds: **my wife!!!**

What is worse than getting a wrong call at 3am in the morning?

Getting a correct one.

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Having sex with me is like microwaving food at 3am..

The longest minute and a half of your life

A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.

The wife shakes the husband and says "honey, there's someone at the door."

The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.

"Can I help you?"

"Could you give me a push?" asks the drunk man.

"Hell no, and besides you are drunk" and slams the doo...

My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two g...

*3am going to sleep*

youtube: 3 flips even fat people can learn

I was wakened at 3am by a crashing noise...

I went down the stairs, cricket bat in hand, only to come face to face with an intruder stepping through my front door. He was armed with a crowbar but a swift crack of the willow round his head dropped him and he was spark out for enough time for me to grab a short length of rope. After hog-tying h...

In my family, we have a special word for a drunk guy who bangs on your front door at 3am demanding to be let in.

Dad.

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I was woken late last night about 3am

By my next door neighbor in a very revealing negligee, bra, thongs and high heel boots, and asking to borrow a cup of sugar.

I said, ‘fuck off dave, I’ve got work in the morning’.

Why does Donald Trump tweet stuff at 3am?

Because it's almost afternoon in Russia at that time.

A mathematician arrived home drunk at 3AM.

His wife was waiting for him.

"You said you'd be back by 11:45!" she screamed.

The mathematician replied, "No, I said I'd be back at a quarter of 12."

Neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3AM

My neighbor rang on my doorbell at 3am. Can you believe it!?
Luckily I was still up playing the drums.

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A man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

So he walks down to the nearby store only to find that it's closed. He goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. While at the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers together, and then one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartmen...

My Neighbours knocked on my door at 3am!

I mean can u believe it? I almost dropped my power drill!

My neighbours love my 3am bagpipe practice

They even throw bricks through my window so they can hear it better

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A doctor gets called to the hospital in the middle of the night

As it's an emergency, and the highway is completely empty at this time of night, he's going a little over the speed limit. Suddenly, he sees blue lights fire up behind him, and he's pulled over.

The cop approaches the car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"About five mile...

To the women who keeps waking me up at 3AM by pounding on my door:

I'm not letting you out.

A mathematician wanders home at 3am where he meets his angry wife at the door..

She yells “Where the hell were you? You said you’d be home by 11:45!”

“Actually,” he says, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

That moment when your neighbour is ringing at your door at 3am like crazy...

But luckily you‘re still awake because you‘re drilling holes for your new IKEA bookcase

I found an amazing book yesterday, it was so great that I stood up until 3am...

Colouring it

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2 middle aged women go out on the town for a girls night out

At the end of the night, they both have been drinking so much that they decide to walk home. Halfway home, they both have to piss pretty badly. Nothing is open at 3AM, so they duck into a graveyard they’re passing by to squat behind a couple of tombstones. They both realize that they have nothing to...

Man gets home drunk at 3am

His wife says your late, you said you would be home at quarter to twelve, cleverly and bravely the husband corrects her saying no I said quarter of 12 so I'm on time.

He still slept on the sofa.

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We were asleep when there was a knock at the door at 3am!

I thought who the fuck would be there at this time. It was raining hard outside.

Anyway, answered the door and this guy was standing there, soaked and asked "Any chance for a push?"

I said no and slammed the door and went back to bed. The wife asked who was it. After explaining to her,...

My fiance, feeling a bit under the weather, just blurted out this knee-slapper at 3AM...

Why does Bill Nye get sleepy after writing calligraphy?

Because of the Nye Quill.

Some gyms are open 24 hours now. If you see me at the gym at 3am...

It's because I'm trapped under a weight

Tom was not home at his usual hour and his wife was fuming.

Finally around 3am she heard a noise at the front door and, as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

“Do you realise what time it is?!?” she stammered.

He answered, "Don't get excited, I'm late because I bought som...

There’s nothing sweeter than a baby’s laughter…

Unless it’s 3am.

And you’re home alone.

And you don’t have a baby.

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Sex is like garlic bread

Sometimes you can't get enough of it but nobody wants to be woken up at 3am for either.

Whenever I tell someone I sleep like a baby they always seem pleased

I should probably find a different metaphor for waking up at 3am screaming, covered in my own urine.

A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"

The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."

I got stopped by the Police!

I got stopped by the police around 3am last night. The officer asked me where I was going at that time of night...

I replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"

The officer, " Oh really........

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The four tiers of courage

FIRST TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is standing by the door with a broom and you ask her: "You cleaning or flying off to somewhere?"
SECOND TIER OF COURAGE: You come home drunk at 3AM. Your wife is in bed, but she is not asleep.
You bring a chair to the bed and ...

Expectant mothers of Reddit, name your child Gotham.

Then when they wake up at 3am you can roll to your Husband or Partner and say ‘Gotham needs you!’ and they will get up.

A man was walking down the street around 3am, obviously drunk, missing a shoe and weaving to and fro, when a policeman spotted him and stopped his car along the curb nearby.

"Good evening sir, would you mind stepping over here for a moment, please?" the policeman asked.

Haltingly, the man came over to the police car. "Gooodsh evening occifer, whass the trouble?"

"Well," the officer began, "it seems you're not quite in any condition to be walking along in ...

I'm making a killing selling home security systems...

All I do is say "Hello" at 3am, sitting on the end of their bed.

A Chinese restaurant owner arrives home very drunk.

He crawls into bed next to his wife and shakes her awake, whispering, " Hey honey, how about a little 69?"

She jumps out of bed, livid, and yells at him, "You come home at 3am, stinking of whiskey, wake me up, and have the nerve to ask me for some pork fried rice, chicken chow mein, and an eg...

Bob the builder

A drunk Bob the Builder calls his ex-wife at 3am & screams into the answering machine “CAN WE FIX IT?? CAN WE??” Not this time Bob. Not this time.

A man always works 3rd shift in construction

A man always works 3rd shift in construction. He comes home around 3AM, climbs 3 floors to his apartment and gets in, tired from work. Due to habit he slams his left boot, then his right to get the mud and dust off. Then he carefully removes the boots, changes and falls asleep tired. Unfortunately t...

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Older joke told by my father in-law

One day Cinderella is down and her fairy godmother appears. Noticing she is not happy, she turns to her and says she would cast a spell so she could have a night out on the town, but she must be back by midnight or her pussy would turn into a pumpkin. So time goes by and midnight comes and goes and ...

I don't know which is scarier....

A clown who rummages through the garbage cans at 3am or my neighbor who watches me doing it.

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My friend asked why I have a giant gong in my apartment's living room. I told him it's just my clock.

He gave me a confused look, so I replied "here, I'll show you", and hit the gong really hard. It reverberated loudly throughout the apartment. Then we heard a voice through the wall: "You asshole!! It's 3AM!!"

Girls are probably really interested and just are too intimidated and shy to talk to you

And other hilarious jokes you can read by yourself at 3am

John went to the pub for some light drinking

He found a few old buddies and ended up drinking late into the night.

When he finally returned home at 3AM, he was expecting to be scolded, beaten and taunted by his wife. He was so drunk he passed out on the sofa.

The next morning he wakes up to find his wife humming tunes happily. Sh...

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My wife caught me masturbating to granny porn.

"Fucking hell," she said. "I wish you would lock the door sometimes."


"Fine," I sighed.


But really, you can't win with that woman. Now it's 3am and she's calling me to let her into the house.

A Chinese husband and wife are having a busy night in their restaurant..

..when an old friend of the husband makes a surprise visit, the two men have a few drinks to celebrate and after a while the husband tells his wife they are going to a nearby pub, but won't be long.

The husband eventually comes home at 3am and gently awakens his wife and asks "Hey, what about...

Drunk driver

This isn't so much a joke as it is a true story that happened to me. My buddy always got a kick out of it and it makes me laugh. Delete if not allowed.


My friends wife left him and I went to his house to drink beer and play music. We had a great time and somewhere around 3am I st...

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Coast Clear

Ben in bed with his wife...


His wife's mobile phone rings at 3AM; Ben answers it, then angrily says, "Fuck off and call the weather office!"

Wife asks, "Who was that?"

He replies, "Some jerk askin if the coast was clear!"

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An American and a Russian are arguing over which country offers their citizens more freedom.

The American says, “I could take a piss on the Statue of Liberty in the middle of the day and nothing would happen to me.”

The Russian says, “Oh ya, I could drop my pants and take a shit in the middle of Red Square at lunch time and nothing would happen to me.”

They finish off a couple...

There's nothing quite as enjoyable as the sound of a child's laughter

unless of course it's 3am and you don't have kids

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Guy tells hours wife he's going out for cigarettes...

He gets his smokes and waiting to pay when the woman in front of him turns and says, "I just broke up with my boyfriend...I could use some company..."
The dude mulls it over and decides to go home with her. They have sex and he falls asleep... At 3AM, he wakes in a panic knowing his wife is going...

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette

A blonde wants to smoke a cigarette. It is 3am. But there is no electricity in the house. She searches for her lighter in the darkness for some time but to no avail. At last, disheartened, she blows out her candle and goes to sleep.

I went to see my doctor about my insomnia.

Not sure he appreciated me knocking on his door at 3AM.

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A man is cheating on his wife..

And one night, after a rather energetic session with his mistress, he falls asleep and doesn't wake up until 3am.
Horrified, he scrambles around for his clothes, gets dressed and leaves as fast as he can.
On the way home he has an idea.
He goes to the local park and rubs his shoes in the...

I remember when, for weeks at a time, Mom would wake us every morning with the smell of freshly baked cookies

at 3AM. And in retrospect, those cookies smelled a lot like meth.

A Destructive Relationship Ended

```

A friend once introduced us
I hardly even knew

The ties that seemed to bind us
Imperceptively grew

Eventually my body ached
I could only think your name

At 3am I lied awake
Longing for a change

You pulled me from
the ones I love
To...

The Drunk Man

comes home at 3am completely wasted. Staggering into everything he knocks over the tv, breaks all of the china, and passes out on the floor. The next morning he wakes up tucked into bed, with a rose and an I love you note beside the bed. The man walks cautiously into the kitchen, where he smells ba...

We throw around the word "hero" so much nowadays....

What about all the other times this week when someone had to tackle a naked guy in a waffle house at 3am?

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Damn Liar

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he ha JJs a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beers and the next thing he ...

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Talking Clock

So I was out the other night with a mate. We met at a pub, had a couple of drinks and went clubbing. About 3am, we stumble out, both of us completely plastered. My friend, who's struggling to stand up, offers me a place to sleep at his flat - just a 5 minute walk. Being somewhat on the floor myself,...

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Wife came home 3 hours late from a party

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise".

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3am, a bit loaded, I headed home. Just as I got in the door the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my huaband ...

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What's the most useless thing on a woman?

A drunken Irishmen at 3am.

[EDIT]: This isn't meant to be sexist, it is self-defamation.

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The Duck Hunter

So this duck hunter finally talked his wife into going hunting with him. They were to leave very early the next day, so they prepared everything the night before. The alarm clock was set for 3am, and hubby was gonna get up first and make sure everything was ready.

He got up to check on stuff,...

Before going to a party, my dad gave me a word of advice.

"I want you to stop drinking at midnight," he informed me.

"OK." I sighed, closing the door.

I came back home at roughly 3AM, opened the door and he was still awake.

"Alright papa!" I shouted.

"Papa?" he questioned, "You're drunk out of your head aren't you? I told you to...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.

Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake

"Watson! Watson!!"

Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars.

"What do you see Watson?"

"Well Dr Holmes, I se...

A mathematician is going out to meet his friends...

so he tells his wife he'll be home at a quarter of 12.

When he stumbles in at 3am, his wife is furious.

"Why are you so angry?" He asks, "I told you exactly when I'd be home."

A 90 year-old man marries a beautiful 25 year-old woman...

They go on their honeymoon to beautiful, picturesque Venice, Italy. After a day of sightseeing, they return to their hotel. He turns to his young bride and says "Honey, I'm tired after all this excitement. I'm going to go to bed. See you in the morning." She say ok, and off he goes to bed, whil...

Almost there

The wife invited her family over for dinner, and about one hour before they are due to arrive she realises that she has forgotten to buy the snails she planned for the entree.

She asks her husband to quickly go to the store and buy some, but warned him to come back straight away.

The h...

What to say while drunk!

A husband wakes up with a hangover. He opens his eyes n sees aspirins and water.

He sits down & sees his clothes all clean & pressed....

He takes the aspirin & finds a note "Honey, breakfast is on table, I left to buy groceries. Love you"

Totally shocked,

He g...

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Two drunks getting hammered as usual...

And as usual the fist one vomits all over himself. "Goddamnit, my wife's gonna be pissed."

Second Drunk: "Whaterya bellyaching about? You always throw up on yourself."

First Drunk: "Yeah, but this time The Wife says she won't let me in if I smell like vomit anymore." So the Second Drun...

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So this man is about to go down to the bar...

...but his wife says: "You're not going to the bar again. Last time you went there you came home with puke all over your shirt!". Husband responds: "Alright, but I really want to meet up with the guys, so I promise, I'm not going to drink anything". The wife's okay with that and lets him go.

...

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A man wakes...

...with a horrible headache, a proper hangover really. He sits up and looks around. On his nightstand, he sees two aspirins and a glass of water. On his chair, he sees clean, ironed clothes. The whole room is completely tidy. On the table, he sees a note: "Sweetie, breakfast is waiting in the kitche...

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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the o...

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love your Mum

The other night I went out with my work friends without telling my wife .. I thought I would only have one drink but then one drink became two and then three and then you know how it goes .. I arrived home around 3am stumbling in through our front door trying not to make a noise .. I made myself a h...

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Two friends are drinking at a bar

They have been out all night and one of the guys has had a few too many. He tries to take one more shot but can’t handle it. He throws up all over himself and his new shirt that his wife had bought him.

He looks over to his friend and says, “My wife is going to kill me! I’ve gotta get outta ...

A group of soldiers was fighting against a group of rebels...

They had been fighting for a few years now, and many people, including innocent citizens, had lost their lives during this period. The soldiers tried and tried to rid the city of the rebels, but the latter was a strong resistance and were hard to defeat. Regardless of the many new personnel, bases a...

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An old mechanic friend helps a drunk. (Kinda long, sorry.)

I was talking to this grizzled old mechanic friend one time, he looked like an old version of Yosemite Sam. Had a cigarette hanging out of his mouth, sounded like an old cowboy, his big ol' handlebar mustache wiggling and twitching with every word. Suddenly he starts telling this story about how he ...

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