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Voldemort Jokes

Voldemort is like a teenage girl.

He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

How come Voldemort hates the sun?

Because his sunglasses won’t stay up

Did you hear that Voldemort went to the doctor's?

\- Did you hear that Voldemort went to the doctor's?

\- No, what did they tell him?

\- That he's lacks\-nose\-intolerant.

Why does voldemort have flat face?

He ran into wrong wall at train station

What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?

Horcrocs

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

Voldemort: So you‘re saying that I’ll just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yes.

Where did Voldemort write down all his feelings and thoughts?

In his die-harry.

Why does Voldemort use Twitter but not Facebook?

He only has followers, not friends.

How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you?

He leaves a dark mark

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

What is one game the Voldemort always loses at?

Nose Goes

Voldemort:so I just have to lie?

Pinocchio: yep.

Which are Voldemort's favourite shoes?

His horro*crocs*.

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

Why is Voldemort so good with computers?

He's fluent in Python

What did Voldemort say about his misproportioned lasagna?

ALOTTA RICOTTA!

My wife said I'm a great lover like Voldemort...

Terrible, yes...

but great.

Voldemort: Knock Knock

James: Who’s there?

Voldemort: You Know

James: You Know who?

Voldemort: Exactly.

James: Aw, Dang!

Why is Voldemort barefoot?

Because Harry stole his horcrocs.

How many Voldemorts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, you see, this is why he's called the Dark Lord.

What do you call a bad riddle?

Voldemort

It's a good thing Voldemort didn't attack America first

American muggles would be no-maj for him.

An old Harry Potter joke

Voldemort goes and knocks on Snape’s door.

“Who is it?”

Voldemort: “THE DARK LORD!!”

Snape: “Sauron?”

Voldemort: “No no, the other one”

Snape: “Vader?”

Voldemort, irritated, thunders: “THE ONE YOU FEAR THE MOST!!”

Snape, confused: “Hermione??”

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

Can someone please tell me Voldemorts last name

My friends talk in riddles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Lord Voldemort like his pussy?

(whisper)
HHAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYY

Voldemort tried to kill my grandpa twice during the war!

That's why his helmet has two lighting bolts.

A little Harry Potter humour...

How did the witches and wizards in the Alzheimer's ward refer to Voldemort?










You-knew-who

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