Voldemort is like a teenage girl.

He has a diary, a tiara, a special cup, a pet he adores, and an obsession with a famous teenage boy.

How come Voldemort hates the sun?

Because his sunglasses won’t stay up

What type of shoes does Voldemort wear?


Where did Voldemort write down all his feelings and thoughts?

In his die-harry.

Why does Voldemort prefer Instagram over Facebook?

'Cause he has only followers and no friends.

It's a good thing Voldemort didn't attack America first

American muggles would be no-maj for him.

What is one game the Voldemort always loses at?

Nose Goes

Voldemort: Knock Knock

Harry potter: Who's there?

Voldemort: You know.

Harry potter: You know who?

Voldemort: Exactly!!!

What did Voldemort say to Peter Pettigrew when they went bowling?

*Kill the spare.*

A tasty dish made by Voldemort

Avada - KEBAB- ra...

Voldemort: So you‘re saying that I’ll just have to lie?

Pinocchio: Yes.

Which are Voldemort's favourite shoes?

His horro*crocs*.

Why does Voldemort use Twitter and not Facebookm

Because he has followers, not friends.

Courtesy of my 10 year old son.

What did Voldemort say when stubbed his toe trying to enter Hogwarts?

"Dumb 'ol door!"

Gotta admire Voldemort’s work on horcruxes.

He really put his soul into it.

Credit to u/cpt_hamster, great joke man!

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

How can you tell Voldemort used the bathroom before you?

He leaves a dark mark

Did you hear that Voldemort went to the doctor's?

\- Did you hear that Voldemort went to the doctor's?

\- No, what did they tell him?

\- That he's lacks\-nose\-intolerant.

Why does voldemort have flat face?

He ran into wrong wall at train station

Voldemort:so I just have to lie?

Pinocchio: yep.

My wife said I'm a great lover like Voldemort...

Terrible, yes...

but great.

Why is Voldemort barefoot?

Because Harry stole his horcrocs.

How many Voldemorts does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, you see, this is why he's called the Dark Lord.

30 years ago my uncle stole my nose, and he hasn’t given it back.

-Lord Voldemort

Voldemort tried to kill my grandpa twice during the war!

That's why his helmet has two lighting bolts.

Can someone please tell me Voldemorts last name

My friends talk in riddles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst sex life..

Who has the worst sex life


I mean his girlfriend cannot even say his name during sex.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does Lord Voldemort like his pussy?


Why are all the ladies attracted to Voldemort?

Because of his hex appeal.

What do you call a bad riddle?


A little Harry Potter humour...

How did the witches and wizards in the Alzheimer's ward refer to Voldemort?


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