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Magician Jokes

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3. He says, "uno, dos..."

*Poof* ... He disappears without a tres.

For a while, the magician Houdini used a trap door for every show he did.

It was..just a stage he was going through.

A bald magician pulled a rabbit out of a hat. Then he put the rabbit right on top of his head and gently lowered the hat down over the rabbit until the rabbit was completely covered. After a couple seconds of wearing the hat, the magician quickly lifted the hat back up, and presto!

there wasn’t a hare on his head

A third rate magician is doing magic shows on a second rate cruise ship (Long)

The pay is good, the accommodation is comfortable, the food is excellent, and the two show a day workload is easy. The mainly elderly audience seem to enjoy his show which is unoriginal but has the polish of hundreds of repetitions. All in all, it's started out as a great gig except for one glaring ...

What do you call a dog magician?

A labracadabrador!


I am not sorry.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

Magician: and now for my final trick! I will disappear!

Then he grabs a pear from under the table and says:

you're the worst fruit ever!

What do you call a Magician that looses his magic?

Ian

What do you call a magician that gropes people?

David Cop-a-feel

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

Did you hear about the magician who made an art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't.

A magician walks into a bar.

"I can make you forget Stacy." He says to a man.

"Stacy?" Asks the confused man.

"Yes. Stacy. I can make you forget her". The magician affirms.

"Who's Stacy?"

"My job here is done." The magician then left the bar.

What did the magician say when his assistant died during the show?

Abra cadaver!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.

I think she has picked up a few tricks.

I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.

She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.

Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

What do you call a Jewish magician who only summons furniture?

Bench Appearo.

The pilot on a recent trip to Helsinki was a bit of a magician.

After walking up the steps onto the airplane, he vanished into FinnAir.

What did the magician do when he was on the run?

He turned himself into the police.

Why is a magician’s top hat good at football?

It always performs at least one hat trick.

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three.

>!Uno, dos... poof. He disappeared without a tres.!<

Did you hear about the disarmed magician?

He didnt have many tricks up his sleeve

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My girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a magician during sex

It was fun until she hid my balls and shoved her rabbit up my ass

What happens when a magician gets mad?

He pulls his hare out!

A competition is held to determine who is the world's best magician

David Blaine performs first with his famous trick. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the card disappears.

David Copperfield performs next. He waves his hand, and, *poof*, the Statue of Liberty disappears.

Finally, a guy with a beard dressed in rags and sandals comes on stage. Nobody expe...

On earth: A magician puts his hand in his hat.

In the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. It is time. The rabbit council must choose another sacrifice.

I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

A magician walks down the road…

…and turns into a shop.

During a show, a magician asked for a volunteer from the audience and a blonde walked up to the stage.



"Think of a number between 1 and 10," he said.

Silence.

After a moment he cleared his throat.

Nothing.

After another moment he asked the blonde, "Are you ready?"

She started crying and said, "If you keep interrupting me I'll never be able to come up with on...

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The street magician

A street magician pulls out a deck of cards and asks a bystander to pick a card and memorize it. The magician then draws a card facing away so he can't see it and has his participant memorize that too. He shuffles the deck, cuts it, and pulls the card on top and asks "Is this your card?" The amazed ...

My friend is a Magician & a Chef.

The food is TA! DA! for.

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A magician had a residency in Vegas for 50 years.

Apart from being a very good magician specializing in slight of hand and “look over there while I do this over here” type tricks, he was also known for being a womanizer who was exceptionally good at getting women to leave after he was finished with them. Every time he would finish a performance, he...

What's the difference between a magician and a psychology researcher?

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats, a psychology researcher pulls habits out of rats.

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The circus is in town. Main act is a magician and his crocodile...

As he enters the stage, the crowd is silent of anticipation for the famous trick he is about to perform.

The great magician squeezes the eyes of the crocodile, which opens its mouth, he drops his pants and parades his mighty member in front of the applauding crowd. He stands before the animal...

Magician: I can make anything disappear

Tom: ***holding cup*** do it to my tea!

Magician: ***waves hand*** done!

om: ***holding cup*** it didn’t work.

Why did the Mafia hire a magician?

They heard he was an expert in making people disappear.

My Dad Is A Magician

He can turn alcohol into domestic violence... But his disappearing act is even better.

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Have you heard of the magician who sexually harassed his showgirls?

His name was David Cop a Feel

What do you call a bad russian magician?

A blyatician

A hispanic magician was performing a magic trick

The magician said that he could make himself disappear within 3 seconds! So, he waves his cape in front of his face and says "uno, dos!" and just like that, he disappeared without a tres!

There was once a great Spanish magician

He was world-renowned for his incredible feats. His most famous act, though, was his vanishing act. He would count; uno, dos and suddenly he would disappear without a tres.

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A magician was performing at a nursing home.

The magician said he was going to hypnotize the people that he was performing for. He started hypnotizing them with his watch. When they were hypnotized the magician dropped the watch and he said "shit!". The nurses had a hard time after.

My father is a magician and his latest magic trick was amazing!

He disappeared

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I'm a magician

Guy wakes his wife up during the night and exclaims "babe I think I a magician!" She said "and what makes you think that?" He replied "well I have just been for a piss, when I opened the door the light came on, when I closed the door the light when off" she shouted back "I'm going to fucking kill yo...

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A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas.

When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a li...

My Dad was a professional magician who performed all the classic illusions. He used to practice the well-known, "Sawing a person in two" trick using us kids.

He always loved to halve his family in the act.

I saw a magician who could make anything weigh exactly 28.3 grams.

His stage name is "The Wizard of Oz."

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''Did you hear about the magician who was sued for sexual harassment? ''

''No. What was his name?''

''David Cop-a-feel.''

A few years ago, I saw a Hispanic magician

My favorite trick was at end, when he said he would dissappear at the count of three.

And he started counting "Uno...."

"Dos.... "

And poof, he was gone. Without a Tres.

Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath?

He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

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What do you call a magician that's taking a piss?

A wizard

Magician mugging

I got mugged by a magician the other day. He pulled a knife on me, but what was weird is that it was behind my ear the whole time.

What did the magician say after actually cutting his assistant in half?

Abra-cadaver

A magician was driving down the road when suddenly...

He turned into a driveway!

A magician performs magic tricks on the Titanic before it sinks.

In the crowd there is a parrot that somehow always knows whats going on.
He pulls a string of hankerchiefs out of his sleeve: "AWCK, he pulls it from his inner pocket!"
He pulls a rabbit out of a hat: "AWCK, A false bottom!"
He saws a girl in half: "AWCK, there are two girls!"
<...

What's the difference between me and a magician?

We both can make a girl disappear but I can't make them reappear again.

What's the difference between a magician and a row of showgirls?

One has an array of cunning stunts............

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

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Did you hear about the Magician and his wife who were trying to have sex but he couldn’t get it up?

It was a missed erection

A magician is on a cruise ship, accompanied by his pet parrot.

Every day, the magician holds a magic show for the patrons on the cruise. The parrot sits on his shoulder throughout the act.

Eventually, after days of viewing these acts, the parrot starts to get the tricks behind them all. So as the magician would carry on with his show, the parrot would ru...

What does a magician do the night before a college exam?

Abra-cram-dabra

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Magician: For my next trick I am going to disappear.

Magician: Screw you pear! No one likes you and you taste like shit.

I have a magician joke.

Magicians are known to be excellent at hiding things.

Then afterwards, they make it reappear somewhere else.

The best example of this is the good ol coin trick.

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What does a Magician call abstaining from sex?

*Coitus Avoidus!*

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You know what's the worst part about giving a magician a blowjob?

Spitting out all the scarves.

A magician goes to a fish market...

The fishmonger says “pick a cod, any cod”

What does a magician say while he chokes you?

Chocus Pocus

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A magician with a fear of negative numbers went to see a therapist

She told hin that the root of his fear was imaginary

A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. He says “uno, dos...”

But before he can finish his sentence, a gunshot rings through the air and he falls to the floor, blood oozing out of his head. Screams are everywhere as the audience seeks cover.

His best friend Nathaniel is in the audience, but all he can do is sit there in shock and stare at the corpse of ...

A magician & his parrot on a cruise ship

A magician and his parrot had been working the cruise ship circuit for quite a few years now, and the parrot seems bored and cranky. He starts heckling the magician and ruining the magician’s act by telling the audience how the tricks were done. “He had the dove up his sleeve the whole time!” and ...

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In the middle of a magic show, a chinese guy went to the stage and asked to the magician.

If you are a true magician, then do a magic that can give me someone's valuable thing in my pocket without knowing him. Magician agreed and did the magic.
Magician: So pal, did you get what you want in your pocket?
Guy: Yes.
Magician: Since it is not your property, you should return it to t...

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A famous magician and a guy meet in a sauna

Guy: "Are you not \[famous magician\]"

Magician: "Yes I am"

Guy: "Can you show me a trick?"

Magician: "Okay, turn around, I will put my thumb in your butt"

Guy turns around.

Magician: "Do you feel it?"

Guy: "Yes"

Magician holds up his 2 thumbs: "I ha...

A magician finally finished his show but had one trick left

On his way home, he turned into a driveway

A magician on a cruise ship

Is doing magic for a particularly rough crowd. There's a man in the audience with a parrot in his shoulder that is giving away all the tricks.

Every time he does a card trick the bird would scream," Its up his sleeve."

Every time he makes something disappear the bird would scream," s...

What do you call a sad magician?

Boo Hoo Dini

A Spanish magician is at a party

He begins his trick for the birthday girl, grabbing a handful of magic sprinkle dust. He then begins to count, "uno, dos," POOF.

He disappeared without a tres.

A magician is traveling through Europe performing his flashy new fountain-pen act

He sells out shows in Paris, London, Berlin, Prague, and Amsterdam. People begin calling him "Bic Jesus"

Everywhere he went, crowds would gather to see him perform his Montblanc mastery. Men wanted to be him, and women wanted to be with him.

This all changed one fateful spring day. The...

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