There was a famous Mexican magician.

His name was Gustavo. His signature trick is he would say "Uno, dos," and *poof*! He would disappear without a tres.

Stalin was the best magician ever.

He could make people disappear.

Did you hear about the magician that tortured his props?

He pulled a hat out of a rabbit.

A magician was driving a car

then he turned into a driveway

A magician is on a boat.

He performs nightly and there just so happens to be a parrot in the audience. The parrot notices how he does the tricks so he calls out, "Its in his sleeve. Its in his pocket!." One night the ship hits an iceberg and the magician wakes up on a piece of driftwood with the parrot. After two days of s...

What do you call a magician dog?

A labracadabrador‬

People say that dynamo is one of the best magicians.

But my dad is my favorite magician. When i was 7 he vanished and still have not figure out where he went.

My dad was a magician, but he also was abusive

He liked to turn 12 packs into domestic violence

A magician's wife was asked...

A magician's wife was asked how her husband became such a master of the misdirection. She replied, "Honey, he's missed erections for the past twenty years."

Do you hear about the Hispanic magician who made himself vanish?

He counted “uno, dos...” and disappeared without a tres.

A cruise magician...

... Had a parrot who spoiled every trick. You know, like, "That box has a hidden floor".

One day during the performance, the cruise ship exploded, but the magician and the parrot saved themselves on a piece of debris.

They floated along in silence for three days, when the parrot quips ...

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

A magician was working on a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.

Once he understo...

Did you hear the one about the disappearing magician?

It was just a stage he was going through.

What does a magician have under their clothes

An Abracada-bra.

What's a magician skilled in the art of hickeys called?

A Neck Romancer

Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!

Magician: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

I saw a YouTube video where a magician had ten of his friends climb up on a platform, then he made them all disappear.

It was really amazing! A magician with friends!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Texas State trooper and the magician/juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The t...

The magician placed my sister in a magic box, and then “sawed” her into two.

Now I have two half-sisters.

I'm a really good magician

But my dad was better. He disappeared when I was 4

What do you call a magician who doesn’t do magic?


My mum is the worst magician ever...

She made Dad disappear, but she couldn't make him reappear!

Why did the magician keep candy bars in his arm pockets?

He always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have two half-sisters.

I saw a magician walk on spikes today...

His performance was on point.

What does a magician say when he does a trick with a dead body?


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

You should never scare a magician

He will shit your pants

The magician's Publicity Stunt.

I asked a magician for an \[OC\] joke to post on reddit. (Yes, I asked a magician and not a comedian, I don't know many comedians personally, sorry.)


Instead, I got a long winded story of his most popular magic trick. He probably made it all up, but here it is.


It w...

What did the fisherman say to the magician?

Pick a cod, any cod.

Did you hear about the redneck magician?

He turns a 12 pack of beer into domestic violence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Magician: For my next trick, I will disappear.

Magician: Fuck you pear! Mangoes taste much better than you!

How do I introduce my friend Harold, the Mediterranean meat magician?

Gyro wizard, Harry!

Thinking about becoming a magician.

They make A LOT of money. I'm pretty sure my neighbor is a magician because she told me she gets "over $500 per trick".

Don’t worry about the prostitute-magician...

She has a few tricks up her sleeve.

My dad's a magician...

... and he does a pretty good disappearing act

What do you call a labrador that becomes a magician?

A Labracadabrador.

PS: Google assistant

A magician discovers time travel

A magician pulls out a sledgehammer and asks for a volunteer. A guy comes up and the magician says, "I want you to hit me in the head with this sledgehammer." So the volunteer picks the sledgehammer up and swings it down into the magician's head. The magician wakes up in a hospital bed three years l...

A magician told me he could turn my pasta strainer to gold, but he ran off with it instead

I was desieved.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

During It's 60th Year Anniversary, an Old Folk's Home Decided to Get a Magician to Perform.

This Magician Was Unlike Any Other Magician. He Specialised in Hypnosis.

That Day, He Brought His Family's Heirloom, a Pocket Watch Made of Gold.

At Noon, Everyone Gathered At the Home's Hall, Waiting for The Magician's Arrival.

Upon Arriving, the Magician Pulled Out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a magician that sexually harasses people?

David Cop-a-feel

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Never startle a magician

Man: Booh!
Magician: Aaaah!
Man: Did you just shit MY pants?
Magician: Tada!

Did you hear about the magician’s commute from work

When he got home, he turned into his driveway!

What do you call a magician's dead body?

Abra cadaver

My dad is a magician...

He turns 3 beers into 5 hours of intra-family violence.

A magician has a good gig

A magician finds a profitable gig on a cruise ship. His show packs out every night and cruise audiences are always grateful and astonished.

Until one day the first mate brings a parrot on board. The problem is that the parrot ruins all the tricks. In the middle of his act it will squawk “Rah...

A magician joke

A magician on a cruise ship is starting his routine, in the audience is the captain and his pet parrot.

During his routine, the magician pulls a quarter out of a kids ear. The bird flaps around his cage and says "It was in his hand"

Agitated, but not discouraged, the magician continue...

I met a vegan magician the other night who surprised everyone by making guacamole appear from thin air.


This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a magician who keeps turning his amnesia medicine into viagra?

A master of missed erection.

I am a magician, but only in bed.

When I get in expecting to get some, my wife always disappears.

A magician says to his audience...

A magician says to his audience "I can make myself appear in 100 different places in this room". He says "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Nothing happens so he tries once again, "3, 2, 1, Abracadabra!" Still nothing happens. Flustered he asks to be excused while he checks his handbook. He closes the book and...

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner.

A magician was performing magic tricks on a cruise liner. He had some cards in his one hand. With his other hand, he waved his magic wand and then the cards disappeared.

The magician’s parrot then went into the crowd, went up their sleeves, and told the audience that the cards were up his sle...

What do you call a magician wearing a rainbow colored suit?


I’m a magician of sorts. I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

What does a magician working in a morgue say?


A magician lost a leg during his performance.

The audience was suprised he could pull it off.

There's a magician who's really good with needle tricks

People *really* don't appreciate it when he makes it appear right before their eye.

What's the difference between a scientist and a magician?

One pulls rabbits out of hats and the other polls habits out of rats

Im a stand up comedian and magician...

One joke and the audience disappears!

A magician was walking down the street and turned into a grocery store...

Wouldn't have believed it if I didn't see it with my own two eyes.

My friend is a magician and he said he could make a chicken hatch back into an egg

But first he would need to add a rear door to the chicken coupe

I got kicked out of a bar for being too good of a magician.

Apparently making all the ladies disappear is bad for business.

What did the magician say before he turned his assistant into an ear of corn?

Prepare to be a-maize-d

My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

Why do magicians saw people in half instead of logs?

Because the show looks fishy if you use too many plants...

Wives are amazing magicians...

They can turn anything into an argument.

I became the world's greatest magician when I was born

My first trick was making my father disappear.

A down on his luck magician takes a job on a cruise ship

and the captain has a parrot. Every time the magician does a trick the parrot squawks out the secret "Raawwwt he hid it in his sleeve" or "He's hidden behind the mirror. He's hidden behind the mirror Raaaaawttt!" thus always ruining the illusion.

One day the ship sinks and the magician finds ...