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Gandalf Jokes

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

Gandalf decided to go to the Shire, and to his surprise found Frodo and Sam making meth.

"Why would you ever do such a thing!" He exclaimed.

"Well you see Mr Gandalf, after our adventure we haven't been able to feel the euphoria of being a hero until we tried this wonderful magic crys...

My girl keeps having disturbed dreams, shouting things like "Hobbit!", "Gandalf!", and "Mordor!".

Always Tolkien in her sleep...

do you know how gandalf uses a urinal?

well first he opens his fly, you fools

If you see a class being taught by Gandalf, avoid it.

Because
#**YOU SHALL NOT PASS!**

Our company recently did a password audit, it was found that an employee was using the following password:

**"VaderObiwanLukeBobafettGandalfFrodoGimliLegolasSacramento"**

When asked why he had such a long password, he rolled his eyes and said: *Hello! It has to be at least 8 characters and include at least one capital."*

My university professor and Gandalf have a lot in common...

..they both say "You shall not pass!"

Why cant gandalf mark tests?

Because he always tells the students ‘YOU…SHALL NOT PASS!’

Hey, Gandalf! What's your favourite kind of insect?

FLY, YOU FOOLS!

Mr Darcy, Victor Frankenstein, and Gandalf where standing in a queue, waiting to get into a club, when ...

... an ampersand walks past them, nods to the bouncer, and is let in immediately.

Mr Darcy scoffs and turns to his companions.

"He must be some kind of special character."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I said, "Gandalf once said 'A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to.'"

My boss replied, "You're still fucking fired!"

I once had a teacher named Mr. Gandalf

No one passed his class

Why did Gandalf opt to send Frodo, of all beings, on the most perilous mission Middle-Earth had ever known?

Force of hobbit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why didn't Gandalf get hired at Hogwarts?

He kept telling the students,, "Thou shalt not pass."

Having Gandalf as a driving instructor is awful

Keeps telling me I'm not gonna pass :(

Why was Gandalf hunched over and stressed out?

He was short-staffed.

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

What would Gandalf have said if The Lord of the Rings played in a supermarket instead of Middle-Earth?

One ring to rule the mall.

What did Gandalf say to Elrond as he watched him make a basket?

There Hugo Weaving again.

What's Gandalf's favorite band?

A Flock of Smeagols

Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth...

My first non-fungible Tolkien.

What did Gandalf say when an onion tried to cross the bridge?

You shallot pass!

If Gandalf wanted to go on an overseas holiday, what would he do?

Fly, *you fools*.

Gandalf is Attending a Rock Concert...

Gandalf gets up on stage before the main act of a rock concert. He stares at the crowd, who cheer for the headlining band. "I am a conjurer of Cheap Trick!" He yells, and crowd surfs off to Valinor.

A Little Known Fact About the Works of J.R.R Tolkien

For his Eleventy-first birthday, instead of fireworks, Bilbo initially asked Gandalf if he could bring the band that plays Dream Police to perform a concert at the party.

This enraged Gandalf however, as Bilbo Baggins took him for some conjurer of Cheap Trick.

After that whole ring fiasco, Gandalf was in the Shire talking with Merry and Pippen...

"So, you went through the dark forest and met my friends the tree hearders. The Ents. Tell me about your journey."

Merry began. "They were all so big and mean and full of energy. All they did was rant and insult us!"

"Most of them, yes!" added Pippen. "Then we met old Gnarly Bark. He w...

I wore my "Gandalf for President" shirt to the comic convention.

It got a lot of support, but some were turned off by my candidate's hard stance on immigration.

I saw Sir Ian McKellan handing out leaflets about how Dumbledore and Merlin were fake clones of Gandalf

I had a look at one of the leaflets, and it turned out to be the usual propagandalf

How does Gandalf transmit a large amount of information from one place to another?

He uses a Shadowfax.

Why does Gandalf prefer coupes?

Because other cars have Mordor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Gandalf say to the sheep farmer that wanted to cross his land?

Ewe shall not pass.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did Gandalf say to the guy with a shy bladder?

"You shall not piss."

What to say when someone knocks on the door of the public bathroom stall you're in

"We don't want any more visitors, well-wishers, or distant relations."

If they reply "Well what about old friends?", then you really should probably consider if you're decent before letting Gandalf in.

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam" .... (An original LOTR-themed meta-joke for you.)

The hobbits Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin, sat in Fangorn Forest to hear the first annual post-Sauron "Ent Comedy Jam."

With them was Gandalf, returned from over Sea with Frodo in tow just for the occasion. No one in living memory – at least now that the elves were all in the Undying Lands to...

A fiery demon, clad in sleigh bells, entered the chamber.

Gandalf immediately froze in fear. It was what he had feared since entering Moria.

With each horrific step, the bells jangled damnation.

“That’s the jingle bell,” muttered Gandalf.

Step.

“That’s the jingle bell.”

Step...

Hobbit: “What aviation school should we attend?”

Gandalf: “Fly U, fools.”

Fellowship of the ring

As the fellowship of the ring was being formed Bilbo had been eavisdropping outside of the meeting, not being able to help his curiosity.
He had heard young Frodo take upon himself the burden of the ring, Sam, Merry and Pippin joining him on the foolish quest. Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas and Boromir ...

What do you call a magic drug deal?

A Gandalf handoff.

Lord of the Rings: What did Galadriel say to Celeborn when he asked what her ring was called?

"Nenya Business."

Gandalf choked out "Narya kidding me?"

To which Elrond interjected "Vilya please be quiet?"

Shamelessly taken from lotr sub (links not allowed, sorry.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Aggressive driver

So the other day I was just chilling having a relaxing drive when suddenly some asshole comes up right behind me. Very aggressively he starts to flash his lights at me and honk like crazy because he wants to pass. I am thinking, Gandalf style; fuck you; you will not pass. So he goes to the left; I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think my friend might be gay

I went over to his house to watch Lord of the Rings, anyway do you remember how it begins with Bilbo celebrating his 111th birthday in the shire, reuniting with his old friend, Gandalf, Bilbo reveals that he intends to leave the Shire for one last adventure, and he leaves his inheritance, including ...

Frodo and Sam were sitting outside, observing an insect.

Neither of them were quite sure what kind of insect it was. "Is it a mosquito?", said Frodo, to which Sam replied "No Mister Frodo, I think it's some kind of bee?". They then saw Gandalf walking by, and they asked him whether he possibly knew what kind of insect it was. He looked at the insect for o...

This year in Heaven the Christmas celebration was also a costume party. Everyone dressed up.

Many people came as movie characters, from Gandalf the Grey (and White) to Jason Bourne to Black Widow to Harry Potter. Alan Rickman went as Hans Gruber, which made St. Peter exclaim "See, Die Hard IS a Christmas movie!" St. Peter was dressed as the "Fragile" lamp from A Christmas Story. Moses showe...

Donald Trump's family bought him a Gandalf the Grey costume for his birthday.

Unfortunately, this wasn't the sort of Grand Wizard outfit he had in mind...

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