UPJOKE
needlessinessentialsparesuperfluousredundantextraexcessexcessiveunfairinappropriateuselessunwiseharmfulunneededgratuitous

Unnecessary Jokes

I was walking past a farm and a sign said, “Duck, eggs.” I thought, “That’s an unnecessary comma…”

– and then it hit me.

My doctor told me to avoid any unnecessary stress

So I didn't open his bills

Why do atheists give away all their unnecessary money?

They’re a non-prophet organization

Modern cars are always bloated with unnecessary add ons

I mean, who needs turn signals on a BMW.

Most people find unnecessary acronyms annoying

But that's TBE

If you’re removing unnecessary things from your car, definitely take out the brakes

Those will just slow you down

Unnecessary Arrests

The other day, a police officer was walking through the park. He saw two kids. One of the kids was eating fireworks. The other was drinking battery acid. The officer immediately arrested both kids and brought them to the station. When they got there, the officer's superior told him to let one o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My biggest pet peeve is the unnecessary politicisation of everyday conversation

People who do that are fucking Nazis

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

I got rid of 300 unnecessary lbs after 6 months.

The divorce papers are finalized today.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The difference between "Let's eat out, Grandma!" and "Let's eat out Grandma!" is a comma. Don't let unnecessary punctuation rob Grandma of a potentially fulfilling sexual experience....

There should be a 3% syntax on jokes like these.

How many right wingers does it take to change a lightbulb?

I have no idea because every time I ask they all argue about unnecessary change

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Is she a virgin?

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin. The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a Do-It-Yourself Shop. A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel. Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, Doc?" The doctor replied, “Be...

One of my buddies told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space, which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say...

Totally ruined our bath...

I tried to tell a homeless person a knock knock joke...

Punch line unnecessary.

School dances this year are going to be like Fortnite lobbies...

Lots of stupid dance moves and unnecessary shooting

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Old medical joke

A very sexually active guy went to the doctor complaining of pain when urinating.

The doctor sent him off for a number of blood, stool and semen samples, and when the result came back phoned the guy urgently and said "oh my god, you have 'Hong Kong Dong', you need to have your penis amputat...

Just had a Palm reader read my hand today.

She said she wanted a second edition! Apparently the message was to heavy handed, to improve she said I should wash my hands of any unnecessary plot lines.

A man walks into a monastery where the monks practice a regimen of strict silence.

Wishing to join their ranks, he agrees to the rules: silence is paramount, and it is forbidden to utter even a single unnecessary word.

After five years of utter silence, the man raises his hand at lunch, signaling for permission to speak. Permission is granted, and he says two words: “I’m co...

I hate redundancy

Unnecessary repetition really gets on my nerves

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

I don't run with scissors.

The last 2 words in that sentence were unnecessary.

Love is like a country song

... it’s unnecessary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex with my wife is like the “England World Cup squad “

neither of us know why we're there or what we're doing, there's little passion or communication and we rarely even make it past the first stage.

It's often accompanied by lots of unnecessary noise, horrible dribbling and never a clean sheet.

It's always over far too quickly and when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

r/jokes, let's have a chat.

Hello, r/jokes. I've come here to point out two things that have been irking this community since they have started. They both are unnecessary, hated by the community, and are downvoted into oblivion.

The first thing is this "the x fainted". Please stop. The majority of the subreddit knows ab...

an American, an Arabian and a Vietnamese in a helicopter

Gasoline was low, the pilot tells them to get rid of unnecessary things to lower the weight.

The American throw a suitcase full of money and said: That just 10 million dollars, There's so many of them in my bank.

The Arabian throw a suitcase full of gold and said: That just 20 kilogram...

A plane was traveling across the Atlantic...

...when there was an explosion from one of the engines.

Pilot: "I'm afraid we're all gonna crash and die because it's just too heavy to keep it in the air."

Despite throwing all unnecessary items from the plane, it still descended rapidly.

Suddenly, a Frenchman stood up and shou...

Just saw a news report

Just saw  a news report on the strains of isolation. It’s reported people are going crazy.  I had been talking  about  this with  my mircowave and toaster and all of us agree things are getting bad. I didn’t mention  anything  to the washing machine as he always has to put a different  spin on every...

An American man, a French guy, and an Arab are all on a plane.

Suddenly the pilot comes over the PA and says the plane is going to crash if they don't get rid of some unnecessary weight. The American takes a huge bag of hamburgers out of his suitcase and tosses it out the window, saying "Not a problem, I've got plenty of these where I come from." The Arab guy s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An engineer, physicist, and a mathematician

An engineer and a physicist go to a mathematicians house for dinner.

After finishing a wonderful meal prepared by the mathematician, they sit by the fire and enjoy a smoke.

The physicist leaves to use the toilet.

After coming back he comments to the mathematician;

'If you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've never dated a girl that likes anal.

Also, the last three words are unnecessary.

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

Apple just released the new iPhone XS

This new version has a lot of exciting new technologies, but it is also a lot more expensive. Experts are predicting that by the time they get to the iPhone 14, it will not only be grossly overpriced, but it will also have a lot of unnecessary features. They say it will be the iPhone XS IV.

There once was a poet named Stan...

...whose limericks never would scan.
When told this was so,
He'd reply, "yes, I know,
But you see, the thing is, I seem to have gone and gotten myself into this really rather ridiculous habit recently of always trying to cram as many completely unnecessary additional syllables into th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Dr. Seuss wrote instruction manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-...

Rihanna was going to tweet about the Ebola crisis.

Unfortunately Chris Brown beat her.

The new CEO wanted to teach about productivity

After gathering the managers he spoke at the importance of cutting out the fat, streamlining the company, numbers and projections against the crisis and the need for a more energetic administration. After that, they left for lunch.

While passing through the offices, the new CEO found a young...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man finds the ID of Leonardo Di Caprio on the ground.

He takes it and goes away. Some days later he is stopped by the police while driving like crazy on a city road.
They ask him his ID and, to avoid unnecessary problems, he gives them the ID he found on the ground.
The officer looks at the ID and back to the man. He reads aloud: "Name: Leonard...

Police do a good deed

I get irritated when people come down on our police officers, saying that they don’t care about others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows “not all cops are in that category”.

This story involves the police department in the small hill country town of Fredericksburg, TX. which reported ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After years of work, a king had the world’s largest garden made

He had plants of every fruit in the garden and he was, of course, very proud of it. To boast his garden he announced that on the last day of the month, anybody who can bring a fruit that is not available in his garden will be granted gold in his/her weight. But, to discourage unnecessary claims he a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It Hurts..!!!

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow.

"I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pa...

A British man, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and an American are flying in a small plane oven an ocean.

...And in the middle of their flight, the pilot announces that the plane is losing fuel to a leak, and all unnecessary luggage must be thrown from the plane.

Despite this effort, the fuel leak worsens, and the pilot realizes the plane cannot reach land with its current weight.

He tel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bartender is closing down his bar

A bartender is closing down his bar at the end of the evening. Three men remain hunched over at the bar. Each has been there the whole night and has been drinking heavily, but none of them seem to have the strength or desire to strike up a conversation.

As the bartender cleans the last few g...

Simple instructions from an English teacher for a great essay.

1. Don't use no double negatives.
2. Don't abbrev.
3. Personally, in my opinion, a writer or essayist should not make use of too many words or phrases which he does not necessarily need in many cases.
4. About sentence fragments.
5. Dont, use, commas, when they are, unnecessary.
6. Ke...

Baseball & Football -George Carlin

Baseball is different from any other sport, very different. For instance, in most sports you score points or goals; in baseball you score runs. In most sports the ball, or object, is put in play by the offensive team; in baseball the defensive team puts the ball in play, and only the defense is allo...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.