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Wild Animal Jokes

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When it comes to sex I'm a wild animal

Way more scared of you than you are of me

All wild animals should be arrested.

They're all naked and won't stop urinating in public.

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I went to the zoo to see some wild animals, however they had only one animal

It was a shitzu.

A German, an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishmen are debating philosophy.

The question arises over the course of their debates: What separates man from the animals?

"Technology," says the German. "Other creatures have tools, yet none can match the hights of engineering we have accomplished. It is our industry that separates us from the beasts."

"I disagree,...

I saw a man with a penguin on a leash

I saw a man walking with a penguin on a leash

I said to him "That penguin is a wild animal. You need to take it to the zoo."

The man thought for a moment and said "You are absolutely right. I'll take him now."

The next day I saw the man again. He was still walking the penguin on...

Poaching defenseless, innocent wild animals is just plain wrong

They're much better roasted.

A man and a bear walk into a bar...

A man and a bear walk into a bar.

The bear is a big and rather menacing beast. It pushes people, strikes out at them with sharp claws, topples chairs, and so on. As the pair approaches, the bartender shouts to the man:

\- "What the HELL are you thinking of, bringing that WILD ANIMAL in...

3 kangaroos walk into a bar

"Why in the world are there 3 kangaroos in the bar" says the bar tender

The kangaroos then wreak havoc on the bar as they are wild animals and belong outdoors where they can do wild animal things.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

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This big ol' grizzly bear walks up to the bar and orders s drink.

The bartender says "We don't serve wild animals."

Furious at this, the bear loses his cool, starts roaring and raging, knocking people and tables over. In his fury, he picks up an old woman and eats her down in one bite. Crunch.

Now, a bit sedated, he returns to the bar and says "Come ...

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

It’s nice to see that celebrities have taken up book writing during the pandemic

One Direction by Kanye West

Guitars by Mel Gibson

Mining by Brad Pitt

Pear Cider by Katy Perry

Ship Building by Tom Cruise

How to Move Things by Jim Carrey

Escape from Prison by Morgan Freeman

American Motors by Harrison Ford

Wild Animals by Wi...

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A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun.

A guy gets on a bus and sees a really hot nun. He approaches her and dishes out a few pick up lines trying to score with her. The nun is shocked and appalled and gets off the bus immediatly.

The bus driver saw the whole spectacle and calls the guy over to him. He says "I know that nun. I see...

Three friends decided to visit the African Savanna and make a little tour all by themselves.

Let's call them Jack, Mark and Clark.

And to make it more thrilling and exciting, they decided to make it a tour by foot. So they chose the route and dates and they met at the airport when the day had come.



As they arrived at the place where they would be spending the first nig...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

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Park Ranger

A small West Virginia Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare
species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla
became very horny, and difficult to handle. Upon examination,
the park veterinarian determined the problem: The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there...

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The talking parrot

Professor John's wife bought a talking parrot one day.

The shopkeeper asked her to buy another pet, because the parrot had spent years at a stripclub and might say weird things all day. She said it was okay and that the parrot would forget all about the strip club and learn new things.
...

Bad Children's Books Titles

Here are some bad children's books titles I found in my jokes archive. Can you think of others?

1. "You Were an Accident"
2. "Strangers Have the Best Candy"
3. "The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
4. "Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
5. "The Attention Deficit Disorder Assoc...

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

I was driving in the road and almost hit a fox...

...so I thought it would be a great pet for me.

Placed it over the backseat and continued driving. 2 miles ahead a police officer stopped me and asked me if h could inspect my vehicle due to reports of drug dealers in the area, I agreed, as soon he aproached the back window he saw the fox and...

A Lawyer is on the road when he finds an armadillo.

A lawyer was travelling on the road in his fancy car when an armadillo crossed the road in front of him.





He stops and takes the armadillo to his backseat.





Far aside, the lawyer is stopped in a sobriety checkpoint.





The policeman ask...

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A Mother of three is sitting on her porch.

One of her daughters walks up to her and asks "Mommy, why am I named Rose?" Mommy replies with "because when you were very young, a rose fell on your head." Rose wonders off.

Her second daughter comes up looking puzzled and asks, "mommy, why am I named Daisy?" Mommy replies with "because whe...

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The Panda Joke

A panda walks into a bar. He walks up to the bar and sits on the stool. the bartender thinks it's a bid odd, a panda walking into a bar, but he approaches it regardless. The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it, and points to a cheeseburger. The bartender is impressed, and decides to make the ch...

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Few scientists were wondering on how well humans cope with hopeless stress

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

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A guy wakes up one morning and sees a gorilla in the tree outside his second-story bedroom window.

He panics and calls the first wild animal control company in the phone book, a discount one as it turns out. An old man shows up at his door a few minutes later holding a crate. He steps inside the house and unloads a pair of handcuffs, a shotgun, an collapsible 10-foot pole and a small angry Chih...

Room #39

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss.

-The client: is room 39 empty?
-The boss: yes, sir.
-The client: can I book it?
-The boss: of course you can.
-The client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black ...

A new missionary arrives in Africa . . .

A missionary had just arrived at his new station in Africa, and was being briefed by the man he was about to replace.

"Brother," said the old missionary, "We have truly done the Lord's work here. We have taught nearly all the wild animals in this part of the continent to understand and speak ...

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Two jokes involving the same pot-smoking monkey

**Pot-Smoking Monkey Joke #1:**

So, there's this monkey smoking a joint in a tree in the jungle with his little lizard buddy. The lizard says, "Ooh wee! This is some good shit! My mouth is dry is a hell. Imma run down to the pond and get a drink."

The lizard climbs down the tree, scurr...

'One day, in ancient Egypt, Bastet went to her temple for a meal, but found that her priests were late.'

'She was quite annoyed, but they had served her well for many years, so when one of her priests arrived, she gave him the opportunity to explain himself.

'"Oh, great Bastet, please show mercy on us, your humble servants! A stranger with a strange god has come and is making demands of the Pha...

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