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How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You don't know? That's because you weren't fucking there, man!

If America had stayed out of the Vietnam war

It would have been a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

My granddad went to Vietnam and singlehandedly fought and injured 30 North Vietnamese.

Next year, we are vacationing somewhere else.

The most common name in Vietnam can be used as both a first and a last name

I guess for them, it’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

Son, I killed 15 people in Vietnam

”Dad, you’re 42.”

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

My brother just came back from Vietnam. I asked him how was it, and he said the country is vulgar.

Everywhere was 'Phuc' this and 'Phuc' that.

How do you know if an old guy fought in Vietnam?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

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I didn't go to Vietnam and lose a leg to put up with this shit....

But you have both your legs???

LIKE I SAID!

I DID not go to Vietnam and lose a leg!

Trump can now claim he’s a Vietnam vet

...since he was shot down by North Korea in Hanoi

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

Back in Vietnam

A man sees husband and wife walking, the man is on the front with a bike and behind him comes the wife pulling wagons with all of their belongings.

The man asks the husband, why this way.

The man replies: "tradition"

The next day the man sees this couple again walking down the r...

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Too many officers~

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two parts of his body.

The officer got to choose what those two points wo...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

What is a Vietnamese's favorite color?

Not orange.

Who is the most feared spy in Vietnam?

Agent Orange

Military humor

The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe....

My essay about the Vietnam War went from an idea straight to a final version

I dodged the draft

I was in vietnam earlier this week

I was in a bad mood after finding out my lawyer wanted more money. While walking down the street, my girlfriend was complaining about all the mosquito bites she got and how i wasnt getting any.

I turned around, looked at her, and replied “they cant suck out any blood. My lawyer already took ...

Did you hear about when Trump fought in Vietnam?

A few soldiers were discussing our new President and how worthy he was to serve. They mocked him endlessly until a Private spoke up.

"Didn't you know The President fought in Vietnam?"

"He ain't no soldier, you maggot!"

"No its true! Although I heard he was very controversial and...

What do you call a Vietnam war hero with a new apartment?

New tenant Dan

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Why was Six afraid of Seven?

Because Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces whe...

[OC] Trump's Asia visit takes him to Vietnam today, which is a good thing...

Because if you've been in 'Nam, you can never really come back home.

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets,...

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A soldier comes back from Vietnam...

And finds out he caught some kind of bad crotch-rot from one of the hookers. His dick is changing colors; red, purple, green, so he goes to the VA to get it looked at.

The first doctor sees it and immediately says "I've never seen anything like that, I think we're going to have to amputate".<...

Why did Vietnam revolt against the French?

Because they knew they would Nguyen.

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why did so many black people die in the Vietnam war?

every time the sergeant shouted GET DOWN! they all started dancing

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A Vietnam veteran come back home after his tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. His dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck that...

Why did so many blacks die in Vietnam?

Every time somebody yelled, "GET DOWN!" they'd get up and dance.

They put a protective casing over the Vietnam Wall.

They're calling it the Maya Lin sheath.

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Chuck is on the last day of his tour in Vietnam...

...and he decides to celebrate. He goes into the city, gets very drunk, and sleeps with a Vietnamese hooker. A few days later, back in the states, he wakes up to find that his dick is covered in purple spots. So he goes to the doctor.

"I'm sorry, son," the doctor says, "but you've contracted ...

Deep in the jungles of Vietnam...

...you don't know what's friend and what's pho

What does a menopausal Vietnam vet suffer from?

Hot flashbacks

Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.

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Vietnam

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

You know who could beat captain America?

Captain Vietnam

Who is Vietnam's greatest superhero?

Vietman.

A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amput...

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Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker?

He's seen some shit.

Why did so many black men get killed in Vietnam?

When the generals would yell, "Get down!" they would all start dancing.

I'm so sorry.

I was trying to think of a joke about Vietnam....

but then I realized people might find tet offensive.

At the end of the Vietnam war

An American and Vietcong General were discussing who would have won if the war had continued. Unable to agree they decided to hold a competition between the US Army, the Green Berets and the Vietcong.

The competition was simple, whoever could catch a rabbit the fastest in the jungle would be ...

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Soldiers pinned down in vietnam..

So there's some soldiers in Vietnam. And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. Finally one guy says

"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes. When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."
...

My mother went missing in Vietnam during the war...

Momma MIA!

The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...

and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
"BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC...

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One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story that has a moral.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out ...

Why didn't Vietnam return to feudalism following 1975?

'Cause Charlie don't serf.

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Uncle John in Vietnam

A grade school teacher assigned everyone in the class to come back after the weekend with a story to tell the class that had a moral teaching in it. When the class came back on Monday the teacher had them come up and tell their stories.

"Alright Suzie, come up and tell us your story."
Suz...

Duck duck...

When I was a kid, I had this conversation with a retired Vietnam veteran:

I saw his display of medals and asked about each. They all came with stories that left me wide-eyed and speechless.
All except the last one. I pointed and asked "what about the one that looks like a heart?".
H...

What do you call it when you vividly remember eating Crepes in Hanoi, like you were right back there?

Vietnam Flapjacks.

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

Two Soldiers Walk Into A Bar...

It’s the height of the Vietnam War, and deep in the jungles U.S. Army Privates Chip and Dan have just been promoted to Sergeants.

Now Chip hasn’t always been the brightest bulb, and he’s been known to need some time to process big changes.

As Chip and Dan are doing their rounds one aft...

3 war heroes come back from 'nam...

An officer approaches the heroes and says "For your valiant effort and heroic action i will give you a monetary reward. Pick 2 points on your body i will measure the distance between the points and give you $10 for every inch between them."

The first man thinks hard then says "i choose the ti...

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A man is sitting at the bar....

He is sad and frustrated, bangs the empty glass on the bar and asks for another drink. The guys next to him inquires about his mental state. Guy tells him that he has been single for so long, it hurts. Long time ago, he was late to his dinner date with his fiancee. She was the most charming woman ev...

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

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These puns are Capital!

So I had a productive day at work coming up with these Capital City puns a year ago today. Thought they were too good not to share!

Why did the Geordie arrange a holiday to Romania?

To book a rest!

Bob Mortimer was speaking to his comedy partner's wife saying he wanted to take h...