UPJOKE
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Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?

Because the trees can speak for themselves

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

My grandpa went to Vietnam and he shot and killed dozens of North Vietnamese singlehandedly.

We are going on vacation somewhere else next year.

My grandfather did 5 years in Vietnam.

Turns out armed robbery is illegal there too.

“Son, in Vietnam, I killed hundreds of people”

Son: But dad you also said you were just a shipwright

Dad: Never said I was a good one

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

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During the Vietnam war many men were being drafted

One man was young and in good shape but he didn’t want to fight in the war. He hid in his house for a long time. One day he decided he had to go out side. He was sick of being stuck in that house. He walks outside down the block and all of the sudden a military vehicle turns around the corner. It s...

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What's the difference between George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, Donald Trump, and Jane Fonda?

Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.

What does fortnite and Vietnam have in common

Bushcamping

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TIL Vietnam’s national currency is the Dong.

I mean I’ve heard of shit costing an arm and a leg but that just seems cruel.

How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a light bulb?

You wouldn't know, man, you weren't there!

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A marine comes back from vietnam after fighting for a year.

He is sent to the pentagon. The pentagon asks him: Do you want to get anything for your sacrifices?

The marine says: I want a dollar for every inch from the tip of my penis to my balls.

The pentagos says: You sure you don't want something else?

The marine says: No sir.

On...

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One day at the end of class, Little Johnny’s teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with a moral of the story

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm...

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

Did you hear about the US Marine in Vietnam who was left behind while stuck on the toilet?

He was duty bound.

one time in Vietnam my drill sergeant angrily asked who the hell kept quoting Credence Clearwater Revival

I said "It ain't me"

Mustve been a lot of sick animals in Vietnam

Just look at how many Vietnam vets there are!

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Vietnam War

During Vietnam, a black man, an Asian man, and a white man are on a stakeout in the jungle, far from their base. They get a call from command saying it's about time to resupply. The white man says to the others, "Alright, I'm going to go pick up some food. Black guy, you go get the ammunition, and A...

Do you know who could beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

In a very poor village in Vietnam, farmers had a feud because of a cow eating off the wrong rice paddy.

One farmer got so upset he hired the local hitman to off the cow. The village was so poor the hitman had no guns, so killed the cow by bashing it with a porcelain figure.

Police said it was the first case they ever saw of a Knick Knack Paddy Whack.

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In honor of Norm Macdonald, here is my favorite joke of his.

There was a fella, a little boy in school named Dirty Johnny. He'd always be a hellion in class and the teacher didn't think much of him.

So the teacher has an in-class project, and she says "Now this is what you're gonna do here, class. I want you to stand up, and tell the class a story fro...

I went to Vietnam and someone on the street peed all over me

I still get splashbacks

A son returns from the Vietnam war.

His father clapped him on the back and told him he is a very fortunate son.

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There's some soldiers in Vietnam.And they've been pinned down in their trench for days. ( Dark Joke )

Finally one guy says,"Fuck this I really have to pee guys. Lay down covering fire, i'll run into the bushes.When I'm done I'll give a signal and you can give me covering fire while i run back."

So they lay down fire, and he runs off into the jungle.

But he's gone for a good half an hou...

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Little Johnny and the moral lesson

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Kathy said, "My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taki...

never show a Vietnam veteran the movie The Loras

He's had enough of people speaking for the trees.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

A joke translated from Vietnamese.

In a conference, USA repesentatives complained that the Vietnamese were so uncivilized, they often pee illegally in public and in plain sight. The Vietnam side denied and say that wasn’t true. The US responsed that tonight, they will carry m4, patrol around Ho Guom lake and execute all those who pee...

The leaders of New Zealand, Taiwan and Vietnam walk into the White House..

Just kidding

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

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Two American soldiers were walking in the jungle of Vietnam

As they were walking, a snake pops out of nowhere and bites one of them, right on his penis.
He collapses shortly afterward and starts sweating.

“I don’t wanna lose you buddy” the other soldier says as he’s crying and holding his dying friends hand.

The bitten soldier says “listen...

During the Vietnam war what was the Americans favourite game to play?

Mine sweeper.

It can never remember the capital of Vietnam

It's really Hanoi-ing

My brother just came back from Vietnam. I asked him how was it, and he said the country is vulgar.

Everywhere was 'Phuc' this and 'Phuc' that.

How do you know if an old guy fought in Vietnam?

Don't worry, he'll tell you.

Who is the most feared spy in Vietnam?

Agent Orange

“I did not lose a leg in Vietnam so I could serve hot dogs to teenagers!”

“You’ve got both your legs, Frank”

“Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.”

-Mitch Hedberg (That 70’s Show)

The most common name in Vietnam can be used as both a first and a last name

I guess for them, it’s a Nguyen Nguyen situation

What do you call a Vietnam war hero with a new apartment?

New tenant Dan

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

Back in Vietnam

A man sees husband and wife walking, the man is on the front with a bike and behind him comes the wife pulling wagons with all of their belongings.

The man asks the husband, why this way.

The man replies: "tradition"

The next day the man sees this couple again walking down the r...

If Trump was a spy in the Vietnam War, what would his code name be?

Agent Orange

Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?

''YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!"

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets,...

Why did Vietnam revolt against the French?

Because they knew they would Nguyen.

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Vietnam

Two men are approaching each other on the sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969." The other points behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his hea...

I was in vietnam earlier this week

I was in a bad mood after finding out my lawyer wanted more money. While walking down the street, my girlfriend was complaining about all the mosquito bites she got and how i wasnt getting any.

I turned around, looked at her, and replied “they cant suck out any blood. My lawyer already took ...

Have you ever visited the area between Thailand and Vietnam?

Don't bother. It's pretty Laos-y.

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

Who is Vietnam's greatest superhero?

Vietman.

Deep in the jungles of Vietnam...

...you don't know what's friend and what's pho

If America had stayed out of the Vietnam war

It would have been a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

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A soldier comes back from Vietnam...

And finds out he caught some kind of bad crotch-rot from one of the hookers. His dick is changing colors; red, purple, green, so he goes to the VA to get it looked at.

The first doctor sees it and immediately says "I've never seen anything like that, I think we're going to have to amputate".<...

A new doctor goes to work for a year in Cambodia, where people still get maimed from landmines left over from the Vietnam War era

In his very first day in the hospital, the doctor sees a young girl in the post-operation area. She is crying, and in a panic, she says to him, "Doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

He looks down at the young girl, and in his best bedside manner, tells her, "That's because the doctors had to amput...

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Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker?

He's seen some shit.

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A construction company builds a 5 stories apartment building but with no bathroom

A reporter asks the contractor:

"Why didn't you build any bathroom in the building?"

The contractor replies:
"The first floor is a kindergarten, they go potty so no need for a bathroom"

"The second floor is for high ranking officials, they've got people to wipe their ass fo...

They put a protective casing over the Vietnam Wall.

They're calling it the Maya Lin sheath.

At the end of the Vietnam war

An American and Vietcong General were discussing who would have won if the war had continued. Unable to agree they decided to hold a competition between the US Army, the Green Berets and the Vietcong.

The competition was simple, whoever could catch a rabbit the fastest in the jungle would be ...

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A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

If Trump had actually served in Vietnam...

He would’ve fought at the Battle of Hamberder Hill

What does a menopausal Vietnam vet suffer from?

Hot flashbacks

Did you know that more black men died in Vietnam than white men?

It's all because when their sergeant would yell get down they would all start dancing.

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Chuck is on the last day of his tour in Vietnam...

...and he decides to celebrate. He goes into the city, gets very drunk, and sleeps with a Vietnamese hooker. A few days later, back in the states, he wakes up to find that his dick is covered in purple spots. So he goes to the doctor.

"I'm sorry, son," the doctor says, "but you've contracted ...

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Uncle John in Vietnam

A grade school teacher assigned everyone in the class to come back after the weekend with a story to tell the class that had a moral teaching in it. When the class came back on Monday the teacher had them come up and tell their stories.

"Alright Suzie, come up and tell us your story."
Suz...

Why didn't Vietnam return to feudalism following 1975?

'Cause Charlie don't serf.

The Vietnam newbie was told they didn't have any more M-16's...

and he should just point his finger and yell "BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
He's out on patrol, he sees enemy soldiers and points his finger.
"BANGITY! BANGITY! BANG!"
Much to his amazement, the enemy soldiers fall to the ground dead. He continues on his way, killing more and more VC...

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