What was the difference between conscription in World War One and conscription in World War Two?

The year.

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

I'm gonna make a movie about a man with a speech impediment during world War 2

I'm gonna call it Schindler's Lisp

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A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

A psychiatrist decides to conduct a test after the second World War.

A psychiatrist decides to conduct a test after the second World War. He meets a soldier and waves a handkerchief in front of them and asks them:

"What do you think of when you see this handkerchief?"

"I think of my mother".

"Why is that?"

"When I left to go to war on the...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

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World War 2 joke

Sometime around 1943, when the Germans were losing the war, Hitler decided to boost his army's morale by visiting the front.

While there, he had the oppurtunity to interact with a soldier. He commented, "My brave young man, you are risking your life for the country by standing in the way of t...

A World War II pilot is reminiscing before school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1942," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared."

At this point, several of the children giggle.

"I looked up, and rig...

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A German pensioner has been given a 250 thousand euro fine after being arrested for having a world war two tank in his basement.

Locals said he had previously used the tank as a snowplough, until one cold winter where it broke down on the Eastern Front Lawn.

World War II, occupied Poland - three partisans who survived a firefight run into a village, fleeing a Wehrmacht squad. Exhausted, they stop by a well...

"They've surrounded the village" one of them says. "There's no way out, sarge!"


"Let's hide in the well" the sergeant responds. "We can hold on to the bucket and brace ourselves against the top walls. Just remember, if anyone comes near, we have to act like the echo, or they'll get suspic...

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An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.

He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.
...

My grandfather destroyed almost a hundred aircraft in World War Two!

He must have been the worst mechanic in the Luftwaffe.

After World War I, the US was granted several island territories in the Pacific Ocean, Hawaii being one of them

They ending up liking it so much that they wanted Samoa

While testing a newly installed computer, an Army officer asked the machine to predict the probability of World War Three and promptly received a one-word answer: "Yes."

Annoyed at the lack of detail, the officer
barked, "Yes, what?" Instantly the machine
replied, "Yes, sir!"

If Britain lost the second World War...

Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

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Old World War II political joke my granddad told me when I was a kid.

I'll try to retell it exactly as he told it to me when I was about seven or so.

>There's this intersection with a four way stop. Four cars displaying reichstag flags approach the intersection. You know, like those official flags the president's got, except they got the kraut eagle and car...

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

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If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

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There were three POWs together in a British prison in the Second World War, a German, a Japanese, and an Italian.

The British began by torturing the German. After long hours of silence infected by bloodcurdling screams, he talked, and was sent back to the prison, ashamed. He told the others what he had done and urged them to be stronger than he was.

They next began torturing the Japanese man. Through all...

My grandfather killed 30 german planes during World War 2

He was easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II...

A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis. They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stan...

My grandparents fought during World War II.

They ended up getting a divorce.

I'm sick of all these World War II jokes on here!

Anne Frankly, they're terrible!

During World War 2, the Germans on the front line put up a sign "Gott Mit Uns"

The English replied with a sign of their own "We got mittens too"

Real story.

My Grandfather survived pepper spray and mustard gas during world war 2

He’s a seasoned veteran.

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

There’s not going to be another World War. Calm down.

“World War” implies that America still has allies.

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Another World War II political joke that my grandfather told me.

You guys seem to like my last one so here's another one of my grandad's World War II jokes. Like I said I'll try to retell it like he did.

>There's this rabbi sitting down at a cafe reading a newspaper. One of his congregants notices that he's reading the Daily Stormer, which was the Nazi ...

Studying engineering in school is like World War 2.

The objective is clear, there’s an obvious enemy, and everyone is fighting for the same cause.

Interviewing to get an engineering job is like Vietnam. Everybody tells you a different objective, you’re not properly equipped for the environment, and the Asians are always one step ahead.

It's the First World War, and a French Battalion and a German Battalion face each other in the trenches.

It's a rather slow day, and the Krauts sit bored in their trenches. Then, a young corporal speaks: "We really need to kill more frenchies! What can we do to lure them out?"
A young recruit asks, "What is a typical french name?"
Another answers, "Pierre."
The young recruit gets up, puts his ...

No one should have been surprised by the rise of the USSR after World War II.

I mean, there were red flags everywhere.

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Did you hear the tale of the man who single-handedly took down over 200 zeroes in World War II?

He was the worst mechanic in Japanese history.

During World War II, four men are captured by the German forces...

During World War II, four prisoners are captured and brought back to a German base, set to await the death penalty in their cells. The prisoners are a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman and an Englishman.

One morning, a German officer comes in and tells the prisoners, "You are to be lined up a...

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

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My grandfather was treated very poorly by Nazi's during World War II

Time and time again those bastards screwed him out of a promotion.

My grandfather was in the air force in the Second World War, surviving over 30 combat missions in hostile airspace.

He was by far the worst pilot of the entire Kamikaze corps.

I'm not worried about getting drafted in the 3rd World War

I'll just send them my resume and I won't hear back from them as is usual.

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A pilot, co-pilot and navigator were practicing training exercises over the Egyptian desert during the beginning of World War I when suddenly the engine died.

Unable to get the engine started again they all decide to parachute out before the plane crashed. Alone in the desert, they start walking back towards their base.

After a couple of hours walking they see a camel in the distance so they pick up their pace and sure enough eventually catch up w...

If the world war was so bad

... why was there a sequel?
Check mate athiests

World War I

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

Out of all the enemy leaders during World War II, who could run with the most speed?

Mussolini, because he was the fascist

In the darkest hours of World War II, a British Commando unit was waiting to go behind enemy lines into Norway

During the planning of the mission, it was decided that their rifles would need protective covers against the extreme cold of Norway. The contract to manufacture the covers was given to a pharmaceutical company that also manufactured condoms.

Before the Commandos deployed, Winston Churchill p...

There were officials in World War 1 that were discussing a plan.

English General: Plan?

English Lieutenant: We can use trenches to—

English Major: symbolize man’s emptiness.

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During World war 2, there was a shortage of organs for transplantation...

... so one London hospital had started trying to use animal parts instead.

A man who had lost his eye, arm and his penis in the bombings was one of the first patients receiving this experimental treatment.

Instead of his lost eye, they gave him the eye of an eagle.

Instead of ...

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World War 2

Man: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
Priest: "What have you done?"
Man: I harbored Jewish people in my basement to keep them safe from the Germans."
Priest: "That's not a sin. That's a good deed."
Man: "But I have been charging them one dollar a night until the war is over."
Pr...

German spies during world war two.

So my dad told me it a few years back and I still like it.
That's how it goes:

During world war II the Germans trained these super duper mega ultra spies.
They could speak fluent English, fluent French and fluent Russian.
Knew the history of every said enemy country.
Knew how t...

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WORLD WAR III IN THE PLANNING STAGES

Former President Bush and VP Cheney are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Bush and Cheney sitting over there?'

The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'

So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor!

What are you guys doing i...

After World War 2, France seriously considered changing its name.

Unfortunately Iran was already taken.

I feel like some of the strategies used in World War One were a little...

Over the Top

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At one point in World War II, Hitler actually couldn’t find his moustache

Turned out to be right under his nose the whole damn time

My Grandfather once told me about how he fought bravely in World War II, so I asked him how many years he served for the U.S.

He replied "Nein."

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Many homosexuals went into battle in World War I.

Only a few came out

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Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time...

Why were the wives of World War 2 soldiers happy to see them?

Because the wives wanted to have their own D-day.

During the First World War, Switzerland was the coat hanger of the other fighting countries,

When war ended, Switzerland gave the coats back ...

But without the wallets

World War 1 could’ve been easily be prevented..

I mean, singing “Take me out” probably wasn’t Franz Ferdinand’s brightest idea.

After Peter Jackson’s successful launch of World War 1 documentary They Will Not Grow, George Lucas has announced he is making a documentary of World War 2 with remastered footage.

Spoiler: France invades first.

Valve should have the rights to the world wars

That way they will never make a third

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When Japan invaded China in World War II...

...imagine how many people died from friendly fire.

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Why did the Germans lose World War 2?

They could nazi the errors of their ways.

A US World War 2 Veteran goes to France

A US WWll vet goes to France with his family for a holiday, as they arrive in France the family all go through border control without a problem. The veteran tries to walk past but is told by a French woman who worked at border control that he can’t as he doesn’t have his passport or papers out.
<...

Germany can't start the next world war,

because three Reich's and you're out.

3 soldiers crash on German territory in World War 2...

They were an American, a Brit and a Belgian soldier.

Since it's 1944 and the Germans still have hope the commanding officer offers them a way out; They can choose between the electric chair, a firing squad or the gallow.

With each penalty comes the rule: survive 3 times and you're fr...

Why did Europe start the first World War?

They did't like being sans-Ferdinand.

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Polio is a lot like how Japan was in World War 2.

Two drops and you'll be able to get rid of it.

My 90-year-old dad was giving a talk at our local library about his World War II experiences.

During the question-and-answer period, he was asked, “How did you know the war was over?”

He replied, “They stopped shooting at me.”

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[Long] In the midst of World War 3, a fighter pilot is shot down behind enemy lines and taken prisoner.

Upon reaching the prisoner encampment, the pilot notices three tents in front of him before he is approached by the enemy commander.

"Prisoner! We will give you an opportunity to gain your freedom by completing three challenges in the tents behind me, which if successfully completed, you w...

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What side did Hitler take once the nazis lost World War 2?

Suicide.

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Why did the Soviets wait so long to fight the Nazis in World War 2?

Their leader was Stalin

Thanks to World War I

There are now more airplanes in the ocean than their are submarines in the sky.

I'm not worried about all this news of a third world war...

... I don't even live in Africa!

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A World War II Pun

A German child was playing outside. Eventully, he was so exhausted that he went inside and asked his mother for a drink. She brings him a cup of water. After a sip, he asks "Mother, why can't I have something sweeter?" She replies, "I couldn't give you anything else because our Führer does not want ...

How did Germany take over Poland so quick in World War 2?

The Germans marched in backwards, so the Polish thought they were leaving

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What's a self-defense tactic used against the Nazis in World War II?

Jewjitsu.

Why did we use guns in world war 2 against the Germans?

We could've used Frebreze, it kills 99.99% of germs anyways.

How did Russia win the second World War?

By stalin' the german advance

After the World War 2

Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting England. British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland. "A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth. "Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked. Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the bor...

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Did you know that Hitler survived World War 2?

He's currently a mod at r/news.

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"

He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

Why did everyone want to go to Italy during World War II?

They were Fascistanating

I went on an "Authentic World War One Tour" the other day

Three quarters of our party died, we didn't go anywhere and it rained the whole time.

10/10

From the Gallipoli campaign in World War I...

The Australians are interrogating a captured Turkish soldier, when finally poor Mehmet has a question for them.

"Why do you call God such awful names? Why do you curse Him when your soldiers go into battle?"

The Aussies were surprised. "What do you mean?"

"Well, when we Turks l...

I just read a joke from world war 1

The captain asks for a volunteer to go out in no man's land and retrieve a message that has come with a carrier pigeon. No one volunteers, except foolish Paddy. He says, "I will go for my country!". He then climbs up out of the trench, and all you hear after are bullets, grenades, bombs, etc. And ev...

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World War 2 fans have their own set of complaints....

"I can't believe Hitler blew an 11 country lead!"

So during World War 2, a lot of experiments took place on the front lines;

*Doctor Heinfeld*, a leading researcher in Engineering and Biology at the front, wanted to test a new mechanical heart he had engineered, and offered a clockwork heart he had engineered to a then-dieing solider, named *Hugo*, who took it without hesitation.

Later on, Hugo (now fully recovered...

The time traveler made a poor taste gag about the atrocities of World War 3.....

Everyone agreed, it was too soon.

TIFU by starting a World War after accidently shooting a British submarine.

Oops, wrong sub.

What did the poles do during world war two?

They held the telephone wires off the ground.

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