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Invasion Jokes

What do you call a large, amphibious invasion by the Australian military?

G-Day

The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

They send a few truckloads of wheat with the note: "That's how many we're coming!"

A few days later the trucks return full of flour with the note: "And that's how we're sending you back"

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

Why does a nervous wasp support the Russian invasion of Ukraine?

Cagey Bee

How can we beat an AI invasion

we wear stoplights

Nobody was scared when the clown invasion started at the beach

”I mean, it’s just one boat” they said. ”How bad can it be?”.

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C

What did the Chinese say to Genghis Khan before he launched his invasion?

"What are you doing, steppe bro!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian defence minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet defence minister, was quite embarrassed about the scorecard from L...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

How do you stop an alien invasion?

You build a wall.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did France say after the German invasion?

I did nazi that coming.

I am a Canadian General planning the invasion of the USA

We can reschedule if it is inconvenient for you guys

If it keeps raining, we'll have an invasion of Pilgrims.

April showers bring Mayflowers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?"

"I blitzed it."

Why do people residing on foreign coasts fear Marines?

Because they can commit a *littoral* invasion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the German invasion of Russia, a Nazi soldier forced himself upon a helpless Russian woman.

After he was done with her, he sneered "In nine months you vill haff a son. You may call him 'Heinrich'!"

And she replied, "In three weeks time you will have a rash. You may call it 'measles'."

What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska?

Ice [Krim](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a leaflet through the door this morning about home invasions.

I really should lock it when I'm having a shit.

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion?

Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains

Why was the entire world late to work today?

Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pole finds a lamp on the beach at Gdańsk

A Polish man walking along the beach at Gdańsk finds a lamp. He tries to polish the crud off it and as he does so >POOF< a genie appears and says to the Pole "for freeing me from the prison of the lamp you have 3 wishes"

The Pole thinks on his good fortune for a few minutes and ...

What's the difference between winter in Ukraine vs winter in Texas?

In Ukraine during winter, the elected officials stay and fight an invasion.

In Texas during winter, the elected officials catch a flight to Cancun.

Proof that war is great for the economy

Right before the invasion of Ukraine, I had a mere $25 in my back account. Just a week later I’m a billionaire.

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

A Russian tank is parked up, just outside Kyiv, as dawn breaks...

The driver sticks his head out, feels the morning cold and says *'Chilly today, isn't it?*'.

To which the commander replies, '*No, we haven't finished here yet*'.

(A recycled 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan joke)

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

The 5 stages of Election Day

The 5 stages of presidential election ending.
1) Denial(while results are being tallied) - this isn't happening. No this can't be.

2) Anger (after the results are in) - the words described are not repeatable and may not be suitable for young children.

3) Bargaining (a few hours a...

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

The USA condemns

unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation.

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