UPJOKE
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I think the Russian invasion of Ukraine was caused by a translation error.

The Russian military invading Ukraine all have Z's, and the Ukrainians fighting back are the "Not Z's".

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

Before the Russian invasion of Ukraine.

The Kremlin decides to try and intimidate Ukraine.

They send a few truckloads of wheat with the note: "That's how many we're coming!"

A few days later the trucks return full of flour with the note: "And that's how we're sending you back"

The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian defence minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow. His host, the Soviet defence minister, was quite embarrassed about the scorecard from L...

Two Russian soldiers and a Chechen soldier are discussing their invasion

"These people are really taking this so personally, but we are trying to help them!" says the first solder.

"Yes, I know! Even the women and children!" replies the next. "They gave me these sunflower seeds and told me I would grow beautiful flowers from my corpse. I couldn't believe it!"
<...

Why does a nervous wasp support the Russian invasion of Ukraine?

Cagey Bee

What did the Chinese say to Genghis Khan before he launched his invasion?

"What are you doing, steppe bro!?"

Biden to Putin: Stop planning the invasion of Ukraine.

Putin: Crimea River.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Mongols once launched a naval invasion on Java but failed....

They sucked at C

Why was the entire world late to work today?

Due to the invasion in Ukraine and widespread sanctions, everyone stopped Russian.

How can we beat an AI invasion

we wear stoplights

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

A Russian tank is parked up, just outside Kyiv, as dawn breaks...

The driver sticks his head out, feels the morning cold and says *'Chilly today, isn't it?*'.

To which the commander replies, '*No, we haven't finished here yet*'.

(A recycled 1979 Russian invasion of Afghanistan joke)

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What would Hitler’s invasion of Czechoslovakia be called if it was done by Gen Z’s?

Vibe Czech

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

What's the difference between winter in Ukraine vs winter in Texas?

In Ukraine during winter, the elected officials stay and fight an invasion.

In Texas during winter, the elected officials catch a flight to Cancun.

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Pole finds a lamp on the beach at Gdańsk

A Polish man walking along the beach at Gdańsk finds a lamp. He tries to polish the crud off it and as he does so &gt;POOF&lt; a genie appears and says to the Pole "for freeing me from the prison of the lamp you have 3 wishes"

The Pole thinks on his good fortune for a few minutes and ...

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?

Because all they do is colonize

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

Proof that war is great for the economy

Right before the invasion of Ukraine, I had a mere $25 in my back account. Just a week later I’m a billionaire.

A joke my Polish friend loved.

[Full of errors I'm sure. On to the brilliant joke.]

A polish farmeris tilling his field. It's another beautiful spring day when suddenly his plough hits something. Upon inspection he sees that it's some sort of golden lamp. He dusts it off and a genie comes out of it and says to the humble p...

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?

The fly S.W.A.T. Team!

I phoned the government, and asked what precautions they had taken against a Dalek invasion.

They told me steps had been put in place.

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Did you expect the invasion of Poland

Cause I did Nazi it coming

If it keeps raining, we'll have an invasion of Pilgrims.

April showers bring Mayflowers.

If trump was notified of an alien invasion.

“There’s an alien spacecraft but it’s not on course to earth.”

“Our specialists, they’re very special people, have concluded that this is just an alien spaceship making a simple flyby our solar system”

“The alien ship is getting close to our american soil but there is nothing to worry ...

How do you stop an alien invasion?

You build a wall.

I am a Canadian General planning the invasion of the USA

We can reschedule if it is inconvenient for you guys

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I got a leaflet through the door this morning about home invasions.

I really should lock it when I'm having a shit.

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"How did you go in the exam on Nazi invasions?"

"I blitzed it."

What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska?

Ice [Krim](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)

Why is sorority row the safest place to be during a zombie invasion?

Cause the zombies are looking for braaaaaaaains

Giles was late for shooting practice so the Sergeant made him pretend he was holding a pistol and make "Pew pew" sounds.

Giles didn't want to make a fuss so he makes his hands into a pistol and starts saying "pew pew" while aiming.

But the idiot Giles was almost always late. So a lot of "pew pewing" was going on when he was practicing.

After 4 months, there's been an invasion and a full-blown war has s...

Using Microsoft Word

**moves image 1mm to the right**

4 new pages appear.

Global warming.

Alien invasion.

Armageddon.

In 1240 CE, the Mongols invaded Tibet

... and the Tibetan leader, Lama Sakya Pandita, marshaled all able-bodied men in Lhasa to repel the invasion. Commoners, nobility and peasants answered the summons, but Sakya's own monks hesitated. After all, they had all taken vows of nonviolence, and had not harmed so much as a fly since their i...

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

The USA condemns

unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation.

The king wanted to invade a neighboring country and gathered his entire court to advise him.

Every one of his advisors said the invasion was a bad idea, but the king went ahead and did it anyway - and it was just barely a success!

This proves that a leader is just a little greater than a court.

Why did Turkey cross the road

To invade Byzantium of course, the Turks were vicious when it came to invasion.

There have been few historical examples of wars with three opposing sides.

One such example occurred in the 11th century, with the three belligerents being the French, the English (Anglos) and the Vikings. The rivalry between each group was quite intense, and unlike other situations, the two weaker groups at the time did not join together to fight the strongest. Instead, t...

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It was at the height of world war II…

… and Hitler decided to invade Britain. So he asked the head of the Kriegsmarine to study plans for a water assault on Britain and carrying ground troops.

After a brief study, the admirals conveyed with the Führer, and told him that it was absolutely impossible, there was no way the Reich cou...

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