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Two Army paratrooper recruits are talking about their first time jumping out of a plane.

FNG 1: How was your first jump today?

FNG 2: Well... I stood in front of the open door looking at the Earth flying by and turned to the Jump Master telling him that I couldn't do it. The JM said if I don't jump then he would fuck me in the ass.

FNG 1: Did you Jump???

FNG 2: A l...

Two new recruits were on the deck of a ship.

One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?"

Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band."

"There is no band on this ship."

"No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’ sales pitch.Jones explained the basics o...

A suicide bombing instructor addresses a group of new recruits.

"All right lads pay attention cos I'm only gonna show you this once"

A group of soldiers on a first-aid course were tested by the instructor. He asked the recruits: 'If the sergeant major sustained a head injury during an exercise what would you do about it ?

One soldier said: 'I'd wrap a tourniquet around his neck and tighten it until the bleeding stopped.'

A lieutenant gets some bad news for a recruit.

He takes the drill sergeant aside and asks him to convey to Private Smith that his grandma passed away 2 days ago but to break the news gently.

The drill sergeant gets the recruits in formation and says “If both of your grandmothers are still alive, step forward! As some of the recruits begin...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

On the parade ground of an army camp full of national service recruits.

The Sergeant is not known for his diplomacy and constantly screams at the recruits. At the end of one parade, just before giving the order to fall out he shouts out “Private Brown, your mother has died. Fall out!” Private Brown simply collapses in shock.

The Captain hears this and shakes his ...

A drill sergeant ran his platoon of recruits all over the camp in the hot sun with heavy packs on.

As they stood there, exhausted, he put his face up to one of the recruit's face and said, "I'll bet you're wishing I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave, aren't you?"

And the recruit says, "No, sir! When I get out of the army I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

The Army now has an entire platoon of female-to male and male-to-female recruits.

It's a complete trans formation.

"I order you to stand over the new recruits. Do you understand, Lieutenant?"

"No, I overstand".

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How can anything be extra virgin?

This is a long story, you might want to sit down.

Back in the glory days of the Roman Republic, they had six Vestal Virgins who served the goddess Vesta. One year several died of a plague, and it was essential that the number be brought back up to 6 so the various rites could be performed, l...

What kind of combat training do the recruits in the Israeli army receive?

Jew-Jitsu.

The army and the navy were looking for new recruits, when two boll weevil brothers showed up.

The older brother had worked in Hollywood as the go-to guy whenever an insect was needed in a movie, while the other brother had never amounted to much.

The army recruited the older brother, while the navy recruited the younger brother. That day, the navy won a battle, while the army lost a b...

A U.S. Army Sargeant was addressing to his new recruits:

He asked them basic questions, like their name and where are they from, things of that nature.

Then, he got to Oliver, who came all the way from Australia.

Sarge: Did you come here to die, recruit?

Oliver: Nah, mate, i came 'ere yesterdai

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

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A plane full of paratrooper recruits are doing their first jump.

The drill instructor throws everyone that doesn't jump on their own out of the aircraft personally. The second to last puts up a real fight, but the instructor manages to push him out. The last recruit nearly looses his shit laughing. The instructor turns around and asks: "Do you think this kind of ...

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Fresh recruits are lined up at bootcamp waiting to meet their new Seargent.

Out walked this absolut unit of a marine carrying a big black duffel bag. He sets the bag down and yells,
“Do you know what it means to be a marine! You gotta be tough! Do you wanna see what tough is?!"
And with that he unzips the bag and pulls out an alligator. While he's wrestling with the ...

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

Two basketball recruits are taking a college entrance exam.

The coach says,” men all you have to do is finish this sentence and you’re admitted to school. “

He continues, “Old MacDonald had a _____?”

One of the jocks thinks for a moment and proudly says,” Old MacDonald had a farm.”

The other says, “Yea but how do you spell farm?”

...

Why did the army sergeant only accept fat recruits into his squad?

He wanted to say he had large privates.

Where does the military send its under-qualified recruits?

Fort Nite

A grizzled old sea captain decided to test one of his recent recruits.

“Let’s say you see a storm heading your way off the starboard side. What would you do?”

“I would throw out an anchor, sir,” said the deckhand confidently.

“All right,” said the captain. “Then let’s say a second storm was coming in from your port side. Then what would you do?”

Th...

The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits...

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” ...

A suicide bomber is teaching some new recruits...

He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

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Did you jump?

Dad putting his son to bed and son asks,
Son: “Dad, when you were in the Army did you ever jump out of an airplane?”
Dad: “well son, let me tell you about it.” “There we were at 10,000 ft, they opened the door and ordered all of us recruits out. Son, I walked up to the door, looked down and ...

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A guy 'recruits' a hiregirl, taking her to a motel where, while he was taking the required shower, she discovered that it's 'that time of the month'

'*What am I gonna do*...' she wonders. '*I already took payment.. they guy's kindda cute... even I'd like to do it... I'll just turn off the lights. He won't notice, and by the time he wakes tomorrow, I'll be long gone!*'

Done deal. After a sexstorm of a night, the guy wakes up next to a ...

There's a gang in my neighborhood that recruits members by threatening them with all sorts of horrible punishments and tortures if they don't join ..

but enough about the Church ..

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Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

The President meets with 50 top recruits from each branch of the armed forces...

And says "Welcome! I want to give you all an opportunity to explore the capital of our great nation before we begin the tour of the White House. We'll meet here at 4:00...

For those of you in the Army, that'll be at sixteen hundred hours,

For those of you in the Navy, that'll be at eig...

The Night's Watch can ramp up the number of new recruits by...

...ditching its archaic name in favour of something hip like Snow Patrol.

How did the Royal Navy attract so many recruits?

They were impressive!

How many recruits does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five.

One to change the lightbulb and four road guards.

Keep it simple stupid

Drill sgt. looks at the recruits at basic and says, “I’m going to give you four important words in the Army and you need to make a sentence as quick as possible. The four words are; defense, defeat, deduct, and detail. Pri’ate Johnson, go!” Johnson just stares at the drill blankly. “Boom, you’re dea...

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