UPJOKE
unusablemeaninglessineffectivesuperfluousworthlessfutilewasteusefulnesswastefulusableirrelevantimpracticalobsoleteoutdatedpointless

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

What are the 3 most useless things?

Pope's balls, nun's nipples and thank you from Boss without a raise.

eBay is so useless.

I was just looking for a lighter, and all they had was 1327 matches.

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

What room is useless for a ghost?

A living room xD

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

Some people think my door knocker is useless...

But don't knock it till you try it.

eBay is useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,749 matches.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

My Mum's instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: "A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D"

Dad.

A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

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A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

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A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

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Wise words and thoughts.

As I’ve grown older, I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

I’m responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

My tole...

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

Wanna know what's more useless than your life?

Reddit Green dot update.

My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it...

That’s why I got her a candle

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

Do you ever feel useless?

You could be some German factory worker installing blinkers on a new BMW.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

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"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then."
*grammar nazi bursts in*

"Mine fewer"

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

Constipated people are so useless.

They can't do squat.

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A six lane motorway and an autobahn are having a drink in a bar.

The door opens and a skinny useless looking single strip of asphalt walks in and sits near them. The motorway nudges and gestures the autobahn to move quietly to another part of the bar. When they are seated again the autobahn asks what the problem is. The motorway replies "You don't want to be near...

If you ever think you're useless

Remember you can always be used as someone's bad example.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in Germany, there’s a guy whose job is to install turn signals in BMWs.

My dad is always telling people I’m Useless

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?

Karma Farming

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

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If you ever feel useless

Remember Reddit has sex bots

Most useless purchase of 2019.....

A 2020 planner.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

MS Joke

A helicopter with a pilot and a passenger was flying around above a large city when a malfunction disabled all of it's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to get to their destination.

...

Pick up lines are useless

These new vibrating things lets us know when they are ready

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

Superman is useless on Wednesday evening because he goes to a weekly Bitcoin meet up.

It's his Crypto-night.

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How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

There are usually a hundred hens on a farm...

... and only one rooster. After all the rooster is just meant for mating, and useless apart from that.

One day, the farmer decided that the current rooster is getting old, and bought a new younger rooster in.

The old rooster, upon seeing the new, younger rooster, got angry.

"Wh...

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A woman puts an ad in the paper for a new husband

After many years in an unsuccessful marriage, a woman puts an ad for a new husband in the paper. She says she’s looking for a man who won’t hit her, run around on her, and is good in bed.

The next day, the doorbell rings. She answers it, and to her surprise, a man without arms or legs is sitt...

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

We just found an original Stradivarius and a previously undiscovered Rembrandt in my grandad's attic!

Unfortunately it turns out that Rembrandt made useless fiddles and Stradivarius couldn't paint worth a cuss.

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

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What do you call the useless piece is skin on the end of the penis?

The man.

I read in the news that Americans are sending old clothes to poor African countries ,thats useless

Cause no one in Africa has a 52 waist!

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..

The government.

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

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An old lady was in bed with her young lover when she suddenly hears her husband pull into the driveway..

"Quick!" she tells her lover. "Hide in this cupboard!"

So saying she pushes the naked guy in the cupboard and hastily puts on her clothes. But the cupboard is a tight fit so the guy's balls are left out hanging between the cupboard doors.

The old husband enters the house and walks into...

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

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what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

Bought a new sat nav made by the band U2 , bloody things useless.

The streets have no names

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My doctor is useless.

I went to him to see about my haemorrhoids and he said he was prescribing me "suppositories".

They tasted disgusting and for all the good they did I could have shoved them up my ass.

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

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My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

My friend asked me if i knew what a useless elephant was called

To which i responded "why should i care? Its irrelephant"

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!

Divorce is great!

I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

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People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog.

What's the difference between an actor and useless glue?

One is Brad Pitt

The other is bad Pritt

My friend told me that paper is useless since he carries an ipad

When he asked for toilet paper i gave him his ipad

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

This book of incantations is useless.

The author failed to run a spell check.

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What's the useless skin around a vagina called?

A woman.

What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist

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