"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

What room is useless for a ghost?

A living room xD

eBay is useless.

I tried to look up lighters and all they had were 13,749 matches.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

If you ever think you're useless

Remember you can always be used as someone's bad example.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

I think if we just took this time to discuss the uselessness of the letter z in the English language, the world would be a much better place.

Thank you for coming to my zed talk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you ever feel useless

Remember Reddit has sex bots

Constipated people are so useless.

They can't do squat.

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

If you ever feel useless, just remember.....

Donald Trump has a social media advisor

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A semi-long joke. (Trying to be original.)

A horse walks into a Zaxby's, looking to quench its thirst, and trots up to the counter.

"I'd like a large diet coke please." Requests the horse politely.

The cashier looks bewildered but doesn't respond.

Thinking he wasn't heard, or perhaps the cashier was distracted, the horse...

My dad is always telling people I’m Useless

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God created woman, and she had 3 breasts.

He said to the woman, "Is there anything on you that you'd like to change?"
She said, "Yes. Could you get rid of this middle breast?"

God snapped his fingers and it was done.

She exclaimed, holding the third breast in her hand,

"What am I going to do with this useless tit?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it...

... So I bought her a candle.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

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"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then."
*grammar nazi bursts in*

"Mine fewer"

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

Torture

The Gestapo bring in their best torturer, to break three important prisoners who won't spill the beans.

The torturer breaks the first guy in a couple of days.

The second one is harder to break, so the torturer watches him at night, to see what he's doing in his cell. He discovers tha...

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in a factory in Germany, it’s someone’s job to install turn signals in BMWs

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

Fact

Ever feel useless.... Just remember we buy trash bags jst to throw it away

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Superman is useless on Wednesday evening because he goes to a weekly Bitcoin meet up.

It's his Crypto-night.

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

There once was a pirate named Bates

Who was learning to rhumba on skates
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?

Karma Farming

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

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I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Les gooooo

What’s the difference between a microwave and a woman?
A man will actually press and pull a microwave’s buttons and knobs.

What do you call a useless piece of skin on a penis?
A man.

What kind of bees make milk?
Boo-bees.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Asshole!
Ass...

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

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The man with no balls

There was once a man who had no balls who started working in an office.


“Congratulations, Josh!” The boss exclaims, “Our office hours are from 8 AM to 4 PM, but you can come at 10 AM”.


“Why is that?” Josh asks.


“Well you see, from 8 to 10 all we do here is play with ...

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things I've learned from video games

My mother has been fucked to death many times.

I'm really a cigarette in disguise.

I'm also actually of African descent, my father will be very upset to find that one out. Though my real father is probably one of those random people who fucked her to death.

A lot of people are m...

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?


Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!


Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

Bought a new sat nav made by the band U2 , bloody things useless.

The streets have no names

I couldn't remember what the brown rough stuff was on the outside layer of tree trunks...

I asked my cat and she said, "Meow". No help.

I asked my bird and he said, "Tweet". Useless.

I asked my dog and they said "Rhytidome, you buffoon."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the useless bit of skin on the end of the penis called?

The man.

My friend asked me if i knew what a useless elephant was called

To which i responded "why should i care? Its irrelephant"

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven

Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn’t useless

It can lead to a fruitful discussion

My friend told me that paper is useless since he carries an ipad

When he asked for toilet paper i gave him his ipad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog.

A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..

The government.

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

I identify as an IOS update...

No-one likes me, I'm useless and I steal your personal data.

This book of incantations is useless.

The author failed to run a spell check.

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!

Divorce is great!

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

What are three most useless things in aviation?

The runway behind you.

The altitude above you.

The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck.

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