If you ever think you're useless

Remember you can always be used as someone's bad example.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

eBay is so useless.

I tried to look up lighters, but all they had was 13,239 matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

What room is useless for a ghost?

A living room xD

If you ever feel useless, just remember.....

Donald Trump has a social media advisor

My dad is always telling people I’m Useless

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

Not having a pencil sharpener is useless for two reasons

1 - Pencils would be pointless

2 - Pencils would be pointless

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

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Boy with Phenomenal Memory

A host enters the circus and announces:

"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."

A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.

The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.

Then again the host comes out and says: "And no...

Donald Trump’s lawsuits are like his regular suits,

They all hang on something useless.

My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it...

... So I bought her a candle.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Superman is useless on Wednesday evening because he goes to a weekly Bitcoin meet up.

It's his Crypto-night.

Whenever you feel that your job is useless

Remember that there are people out there who's job it is to install turn signals on BMWs.

Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?

Karma Farming

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

The Laziest Man

There was a very very lazy man in a village. He was so lazy he didn't do anything for himself.

It got so bad that the men of the village decided it would be best to just bury him cuz he was just so lazy and useless.

So they came to his house, grabbed him and carried him away to be buri...

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

Please stop calling Congress village idiots.

Village idiots are far less useless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then."
*grammar nazi bursts in*

"Mine fewer"

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

I read in the news that Americans are sending old clothes to poor African countries ,thats useless

Cause no one in Africa has a 52 waist!

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

Son walks in

And sees his mother jumping on his dad in bed

The day after son asks his mum what she was doing jumping on top of her dad and she replied that she was trying to remove air from his tummy.

Son replies"Mum is useless because the baby sitter keeps pumping him again"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

Bought a new sat nav made by the band U2 , bloody things useless.

The streets have no names

My friend asked me if i knew what a useless elephant was called

To which i responded "why should i care? Its irrelephant"

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven

Little John gets home from school.

His mother, Stacy, asked him If he had any home work.

He let Stacy know that he did in fact have some but that he would really enjoy it tonight and even finish it before dinner!

For dinner Stacy made a wonderful Chicken Cordon Blu which was her Husband, Kyle's, favorite meal.
...

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

Today, I managed to beat the chess world champion.

Turns out, his moves were useless against a bat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the useless bit of skin on the end of the penis called?

The man.

I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English

My son.

Nope, still useless.

The 4th of July is an annual reminder

of how useless my dog would be in a war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn’t useless

It can lead to a fruitful discussion

My friend told me that paper is useless since he carries an ipad

When he asked for toilet paper i gave him his ipad

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the useless skin around the vagina called?

The woman...

Im sorry

I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

I have no title

If you ever feel useless, just think about the mortgage feature on Monopoly deeds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. Anderson’s automobile suddenly developed a flat tire one night

Immediately outside the strong iron fence that walled off the local mental institution.

Annoyed but resigned, Anderson jacked up the car and prepared to replace the wheel. He took off the hubcap, unscrewed the lugnuts, which he placed in the hubcap, which in turn was resting in the road, and ...

I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog.

A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..

The government.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THESE GAH DAMN ANTS

A priest was walking down the sidewalk when he came across a young boy who was burning ants with a magnifying glass. As the priest got closer he could hear the boy saying "THESE GAH DAMN ANTS".

The priest stopped the young boy and said "son, God made these ants therefore they are not useless....

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When God created woman..

When God created woman,

He gave her not two breasts but three.

When the middle one got in the way

God performed surgery.

Woman stood before God,

With middle breast in hand.

Said "What do we do with the useless boob?"

And God created man.

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

Heights Of Insult By A Grammar Freak Girl.

Girl To Boy: "You Are As Useless As Ay In Okay"

This book of incantations is useless.

The author failed to run a spell check.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Government

The federal government is sending most Americans a $1200 rebate.
If we spend that money at Wal-Mart, the money goes to China.
If we spend it on gasoline it goes to the Arabs.
If we buy a computer it will go to India.
If we purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras
a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find...

A man in Shanghai named Sam wakes up one morning to find that his car, a Mustang, has had all the internal components removed, leaving only a hollow, useless shell. He calls the police and soon an investigative team arrives.


The lead investigator approaches the victim and says "It appear...

George W. Bush, Barack Obama, and Donald Trump were on their way to a conference when they got into a car crash. All three were killed.

The three found themselves standing in an inferno. "This must be hell," they thought.

The devil collected Bush first. He led Bush to a door and opened it. On the other side of the door was the ugliest woman Bush had ever seen. He had seen many ugly women in his life, but none as squalid as he...

What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

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