"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

What room is useless for a ghost?

A living room xD

If you ever think you're useless

Remember you can always be used as someone's bad example.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

Wanna know what's more useless than your life?

Reddit Green dot update.

Constipated people are so useless.

They can't do squat.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

Not having a pencil sharpener is useless for two reasons

1 - Pencils would be pointless

2 - Pencils would be pointless

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A student says to the teacher, "you only teach useless crap"

to which the teacher replies, "hey there no need to be so hard on yourself"

eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters

All I found is 13.749 matches.

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

If you ever feel useless, just remember.....

Donald Trump has a social media advisor

Most useless purchase of 2019.....

A 2020 planner.

If you ever feel useless

Just remember that the Moderator of the Vice Presidential Election tried stopping the candidates.

My dad is always telling people I’m Useless

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

If you're ever feeling useless just remember

Bikini Bottom has a fire department

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

Whenever you feel useless just remember.

Everyone is here for a reason.
Yours is to make others feel useful.

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you ever feel useless

Remember Reddit has sex bots

My girlfriend told me that if I give her one more useless gift, she'd burn it...

... So I bought her a candle.

I think if we just took this time to discuss the uselessness of the letter z in the English language, the world would be a much better place.

Thank you for coming to my zed talk.

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just lying down on my bed surfing reddit when my mom came into my room and scolded me for being a useless lazy bum

I am not going to take that lying down, so i stood up

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: Mom, this is my girlfriend

Mom: Do you actually want to date this useless piece of shit?


Me: Ma, she is a very nice person!


Mom: I wasn't talking to you.

I have a hat that renders my legs useless so I can park closer to the store.

It's a handy cap.

Pick up lines are useless

These new vibrating things lets us know when they are ready

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

I identify as an IOS update...

No-one likes me, I'm useless and I steal your personal data.

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Superman is useless on Wednesday evening because he goes to a weekly Bitcoin meet up.

It's his Crypto-night.

If you ever feel useless...

...just remember that somewhere in a factory in Germany, it’s someone’s job to install turn signals in BMWs

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?

Karma Farming

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Tony Blair & a chef who keeps dropping his pancakes?

Nothing, they're both useless tossers...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then."
*grammar nazi bursts in*

"Mine fewer"

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

If you ever feel useless in your life..

Remember there is a guy at BMW factory, installing blinker lights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hacker: I’m in!

Superhero: stay away from my assistant and do your job you useless fuck

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to set up my hipster friend with this awesome guy. He’s rebellious, has dope beard and long wavy hair, hangs around with quirky outcasts, hikes, doesn’t want to own useless crap and knows all the coolest party tricks.

Yeah. Turning hipster girls into Christianity is surprisingly easy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boy with Phenomenal Memory

A host enters the circus and announces:

"Now a boy with a phenomenal memory will enter the arena."

A boy enters the stage, drinks a bucket of water and leaves.

The audience begins to scream and express their displeasure.

Then again the host comes out and says: "And no...

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

whats the most useless shape?

circles because they are pointless

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

Two guys are stuck in prison.

Desperate to get back out and perhaps lead semi-regular lives, the two cellmates try to brainstorm for an escape plan. A mere hour and a half later, one of the men comes up with a plan: steal some children's craft scissors, smuggle them back to the cell, cut through the floor, and cut out a tunnel b...

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

Allegedly John Adams

In my many years, I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress

The Laziest Man

There was a very very lazy man in a village. He was so lazy he didn't do anything for himself.

It got so bad that the men of the village decided it would be best to just bury him cuz he was just so lazy and useless.

So they came to his house, grabbed him and carried him away to be buri...

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Into a Belfast Pub . . .

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.

"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man’s body parts having a meeting to decide how to survive the pandemic.

Brain has the chair.

He starts: Ok Everyone. Things looking bleak: a deadly virus is going around, the master is sitting home all day and not getting enough sun or exercise, he lost his job and started drinking – so The hard times are ahead. We need to get together and think how we can survi...

I was in my herb garden yesterday and one of my plants told me I was useless.

I think it was discouragemint.

I had my appendix taken out when I was a kid. They said it was useless,

but based on my life since then, I'm guessing it controls motivation.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

Donald Trump’s lawsuits are like his regular suits,

They all hang on something useless.

In this day and age, keeping a paper thesaurus around the house is as useless as....

Um....as useless.....as.....um.....

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

Bought a new sat nav made by the band U2 , bloody things useless.

The streets have no names

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

Please stop calling Congress village idiots.

Village idiots are far less useless.

My friend asked me if i knew what a useless elephant was called

To which i responded "why should i care? Its irrelephant"

Comparing subjects that are apples to oranges isn’t useless

It can lead to a fruitful discussion

My friend told me that paper is useless since he carries an ipad

When he asked for toilet paper i gave him his ipad

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the useless skin around the vagina called?

The woman...

Im sorry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

What's the difference between an actor and useless glue?

One is Brad Pitt

The other is bad Pritt

I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

I was disappointed when it turned out the axe I bought to climb with was useless for the job...

it was an anti-climb axe

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

A hero without a villain becomes useless. A villain without a hero becomes..

The government.

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

I tried to play frisbee with my dog today but he was useless.

I think I need a flatter dog.

A notoriously strict professor has a policy that if you aren't in your seat at the beginning of the exam you get a 0. No questions asked.

On the day of the final, the professor sets each of the 200 exam packets on each desk before the students arrived. When the exam began every student is present except for one. About halfway through the exam time the student walks in, takes his seat, and begins.

The professor rolls his eyes a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whenever i see someone struggling, i think of what my grandfather used to tell me..

Hurry the fck up you useless piece of shit

This book of incantations is useless.

The author failed to run a spell check.

A Fox, a Rabbit and a Bear are about to be drafted into the military.

The Fox says “There is no way I’m the world I’m letting myself get drafted, we need to find a way for us to get excused. Are you guys with me?”
The Bear and the Rabbit agree.
The Fox, quickly thinking, suggests: “I’ll cut off my own tail. A Fox without a tail is useless, right?”
The Rabbit ...

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

Little John gets home from school.

His mother, Stacy, asked him If he had any home work.

He let Stacy know that he did in fact have some but that he would really enjoy it tonight and even finish it before dinner!

For dinner Stacy made a wonderful Chicken Cordon Blu which was her Husband, Kyle's, favorite meal.
...

Son walks in

And sees his mother jumping on his dad in bed

The day after son asks his mum what she was doing jumping on top of her dad and she replied that she was trying to remove air from his tummy.

Son replies"Mum is useless because the baby sitter keeps pumping him again"

What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!

Divorce is great!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

I bought an official Craig David fridge recently, and it's useless!

It only chills on Sundays!

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