UPJOKE
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Useless Jokes

"Can someone give an example of things that are useless?" The teacher asked.

Me: *raises hand*

Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?

eBay is so useless

I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,061 matches

If you ever feel useless...



Just remember that it took the US 4 presidents, Trillions of dollars, thousands of lives, and 20 years to replace the Taliban with...



the Taliban

A Pure Mathematics degree is useless…

I want a Pure Mathematics radian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most useless creature in existence?

Mermaids. You can neither eat them nor fuck them.

If you ever feel useless in life

Remember it is someone's job to install turn signals on BMW's

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

Depression/suicide jokes are basically yo mama jokes of our generation — they're lazy, unfunny and useless

Just like me

You're not completely useless!

You can always serve as a bad example.

If you ever think you're useless

Remember you can always be used as someone's bad example.

The Letter "C" is useless

The letter "C" conveys either a "K" sound or a "S" sound. As such, it serves no purpose and makes spelling problematic. The Germans know this and rarely use the letter C when the letter K can be used instead. Americans disagree.

The debate got violent early in the 20th century when the Americ...

I bet you can't name a useless, non functioning member of society.

My parents did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid tells his teacher "You only teach useless crap!"

She replies "Don't be so hard on yourself."

Fidget spinners are useless

Says the generation that bought 1.5 million pet rocks.

What's the difference between a useless golfer and a useless skydiver?

The home golfer goes WHACK! "Oh no!" Whereas with the skydiver it's vice versa

Thoughts and prayers are useless. Only action will prevent future tragedy.

We have only one choice to make sure there are no future school shootings:

Ban all schools.

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

How would a giant robot that's controlled by multiple people be rendered useless?

Make operating it a school group project!

Useless

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. So, he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an ...

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

It’s useless to hold a person to anything he says while

he’s in love, drunk, or running for office.

Tinder is completely useless, and I don’t have a single match

If I don’t find another way to start a campfire tonight, I’ll freeze to death.

Some people think my door knocker is useless...

But don't knock it till you try it.

Footballer to referee: Would you send me off if I said you were a useless cheat?

Referee: Yes.

Footballer: But you couldn't send me off for thinking it?

Referee: No.

Footballer: Right then, I think you're a useless cheat.

Constipated people are so useless.

They can't do squat.

What’s black and completely useless to society?

Decaf coffee... obviously.

Calculators are useless

What I need is a calcunow

Do you ever feel useless?

You could be some German factory worker installing blinkers on a new BMW.

My Nan has just been on the phone to say she's not returning from Australia because of all the ungrateful, useless kids back at home.

Boomer-rang doesnt come back

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the useless piece is skin on the end of the penis?

The man.

A history degree is useless

Because there's no future in it.

Most useless purchase of 2019.....

A 2020 planner.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'd been collecting coprolite for years, must have spent thousands, only for some completely useless removal guys to lose the whole collection during my house move.

I wasn't just angry. I completely lost my shit.

What's the most useless shape?

A circle. It's pointless.

I've been researching some useless facts...

Want some examples?
I have found out that there are over 10,000 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

If you’re ever feeling useless

Remember the “ueue” in “queue”.

My new Fleetwood Mac satnav is useless.

It just keeps telling me I can go my own way.



>!(Also, you can enjoy the earworm)!<

Is there a word to describe answers that are completely correct but entirely useless?

Yes, there is.

My dad is always telling people I’m Useless

I’ve told him at least 100 times, it’s pronounced Ulysses

Well... airplane mode is pretty useless now

*segways into amateur joke set*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor is useless.

I went last week to see what he could do about haemorrhoids. He prescribed me a packet of the weirdest pills I ever saw. They tasted disgusting, and for all the good they did I might as well have shoved them up my arse.

Regret is a useless emotion.

I wish I’d known that a long time ago.

Which farming is useless and looked down by everyone?

Karma Farming

I was browsing r/Jokes last night and my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know why I bother trying to make people laugh on the internet for useless virtual points and that the only joke I have is in my underwear. So here goes:

"Marks and Spencer, Medium 33-35 inch waist, 90% cotton, 10% elastene, Made in China, Part of a 2 part set"

What do you call the ghost of a useless scumbag who never deserved to live?

An Ann-Coultergeist

At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was useless

But now I kind of like it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what the most useless thing ever?

a dislike button on a youtube comment

I'm not completely useless...

I can be used as a bad example.

Disclaimer: I heard this somewhere before.

When is it legal to trick people to go into massive debt to pay for a useless thing with no refund?

When you're selling a bachelor degree in sophistry.

Polish public toilets were useless during the war

They were always occupied

Useless People

One useless person is useless.
Two useless people are a law firm.
Hundreds of useless people are Congress.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Participation ribbons aren’t useless

The one in my cup holder keeps my coffee mug from rattling

My mother used to say the way to a mans heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

My girlfriend said that if i got her another useless gift she would burn it...

That’s why I got her a candle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you stop a lazy useless piece of shit?

I'll let you know tomorrow.

My friend tried telling me shovels are useless.

But I truly believe it was a ground breaking invention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every day we have hundreds of people coming into this country with no skill, no grasp of the language and a total drain on our resources...

Babies are fucking useless.

Trump's wall will be useless since it doesn't extend into the oceans.....

Everyone knows Jesus can walk on water.

Hired an odd-job man the other but he was useless

Gave him eight jobs to do but he only did 1,3,5 and 7

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

I lost 130 pounds of useless fat!

Divorce is great!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People might think masturbation is a useless skill

But I find it often comes in handy.

After reading the thesaurus I have a strong vocabulary of useless synonyms.

They’re unnecessary, worthless and redundant.

What is the most useless thing you can give to a homeless person?

A postcard that says "I wish you were here"

This book of incantations is useless.

The author failed to run a spell check.

Why are math books useless?

Because they are full of problems.

Remember, no matter how useless you think your job is . . .

Somewhere, Anthony Fauci is providing advice to Trump.

I tried using a thesaurus to find synonyms for useless.

The result was futile.

I got an odd-job man in. He was useless

Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven

Superman is useless on Wednesday evening because he goes to a weekly Bitcoin meet up.

It's his Crypto-night.

My Mum's instinctual answer to a crossword clue made for a great joke: "A useless object, 3 letters long, begins and ends with D"

Dad.

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot could not determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to ...

What's the difference between an actor and useless glue?

One is Brad Pitt

The other is bad Pritt

What are three most useless things in aviation?

The runway behind you.

The altitude above you.

The fuel back at the fbo still in the fuel truck.

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids

A man goes to the doctor with terrible hemorrhoids. The doctor prescribes him suppositories to take every day then says to come back in a week. The man isn't entirely sure what a suppository is but at the pharmacy sees they're pills so he does as instructed, swallowing one every day. After a week he...

I used to think math was useless.

But then one day I realized that decimals had a point.

In retrospect, I should have known rubbing ketchup on my eyes would be useless.

Oh well, Heinz-sight is 20/20 I guess.

You ever felt useless? Ever thought your job has no real purpose or meaning?

Keep your head up. Just remember that you make a difference in this world.

Unless you are that guy who makes turn signals in the BMW factory.

What will be the most useless invention?

A waterproof teabag

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.

He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and do a lot of things that took two arms.

One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide and went to the top of a building to jump off.

He was standing on the ledge looking down when he saw a man skipping along, whistli...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Incognito mode on google chrome is useless..

Everyone in the library can still see me wanking

As a man, I've renamed my nipples Thoughts and Prayers.

...because they're useless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the useless skin around a vagina called?

A woman.

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