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Mine Jokes

For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.

A friend of mine invited me over for a threesome with a girl.

I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed. So I went over to his place and we got started. I just couldn't get into it. A half hour in, I started wondering when the girl is going to show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine.

Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

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I Asked A Kentucky Friend Of Mine How Many Sexual Partners He Had Had

He closed his eyes and started counting, then he fell asleep.

Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.

I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.

In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car.

He will be charged with battery.

A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.

We always have a joint birthday party.

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!

A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again.

She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him wa...

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

A friend of mine knows I'm a baker and asked for a cake as a wedding present

I told him I can't do it for free I am sorry.

He asked why and I said

Sorry, I knead the dough...

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

A writer friend of mine claims he is 'glued to his memoir'

That's his story and he's sticking to it.

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.

A friend of mine has been collecting magazines for 10 years.

That guy has a lot of issues.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

Friend of mine is doing really well running his crematorium

He urn’s a lot

A friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture.

You don’t even have to go.

A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

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"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

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Not mine but worth it

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

Buddy of mine got a brand new Mercedes Benz for his Wife

Damn good trade if you ask me.

A friend of mine had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants.

The pay was poor, but the tips were huge

A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.

A friend of mine asked me if there’s any swearing in Oedipus

I said there better not be, he kisses his mother with that mouth.

My wife said she'd fulfil any fantasy of mine.

"What about a nice mini skirt, some high heels and a tight red bra?" I asked.

She spread herself on the bed and said, "Of course, baby."

I said, "Excellent. Wait here, I'll just go and get changed."

A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.

A friend of mine works in a recording studio and he was telling me which are the best speakers to buy.

It was sound advice.

A friend of mine gets a big raise every year. His secret? Always negotiate on a rainy day.

I thought it was crazy. I should've left it at that. But I'm a sucker for a good misconception… and I was due for a raise.

I waited for a nice rainy day. Not a misty day, or a drizzle. It had to be full-on rain. Inevitably, the day arrived and I requested a meeting with my boss. He listened i...

A friend of mine recently got a severe frostbite.

I was really worried, but he told me he was cool with it.

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It's also mine

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A coworker of mine comes up to me

He says, “What’s up man? I have a question for you”

“Ok” I reply

“Imagine you go camping with some other guys. One night you all are doing a lot of drinking. You wake up in the morning with your pants down to your ankles and Vaseline in your butthole. Would you tell any body about tha...

A friend of mine said, “Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

A friend of mine recently fell into an abandoned mine shaft.

Don't worry, he only suffered miner injuries.

A friend of mine worked at a production line for a toy factory, producing Dracula dolls. Shortly before Halloween, demand was high, but he only had one colleague.

So he had to make every second Count.

I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...

A friend of mine called me while I was at work.

He said he was going to change his name to "Spinal Column".

I said, "Look, I'm really busy right now. I'll call you back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine has some really insane bowel movements.

Shits crazy.

Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...

I found a recipe from Morocco for homemade dinner rolls. It called for fresh thyme but mine was outdated. I used it anyways.

You know, as I reminisce, I really like that old thyme Moroccan roll.

I think I need a new doctor. Mine can't even get my star sign right.

I'm a sagittarius, but he said I have cancer

What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor

This is my husbands creation.. not mine - what kind of fish makes wind?

A blow fish.

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

A friend of mine asked if I thought hummus was able to be used as a facial exfoliation scrub.

I said to him "I've had a smashed chick pee on my face before it worked wonders can't see why it wouldn't here"

A friend of mine has recently started a hot air balloon business

He hasn't got it off the ground yet

In soviet russia, there are no mines.

There are just ours.

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"

A parachutist friend of mine was able to record a joke on his GoPro during his tragic last skydive saying that he'd 'had a great summer but was expecting an even better fall'.

He certainly hit the ground punning!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.

A friend of mine, a performing arts student, was recently killed in an accident in Toronto…

He was putting himself through school by working as a birthday clown and he had to take the subway to get around. He was going to his next gig and his floppy shoes caught on his baggy trousers and, since he was a little too close to the edge, he fell in front of the train. We have tried to get the t...

Introduced a friend of mine to minimalism

It was the least I could do.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

A dear friend of mine passed away this week. This was one of his jokes: What do you call half of a thousand native American insomniacs?

The Indian nap-less 500.

Early last February this year, I learned that National Grammar Day is celebrated on March 4th; I was looking forward to celebrating with some friends of mine in Toledo, Ohio...

...I made the trip from Nevada by car; it was a wonderful celebration. My friends Jerry, Susan, and Cynthia organized a wonderful event consisting of a host of grammar related activities: proof-reading, sentence structuring, and more.

Susan also turned out to be a wonderful cook; she prepared...

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