A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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A buddy of mine makes yogurt flavored by secretions of aroused female prostitutes.

He practices horticulture.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A babooooom!

I’m doubting if the baby is mine

My bf had an affair with another girl a few months ago & yet today my doctor told me that I’m pregnant now. How the heck can I tell if the baby is really mine?

A Christian friend of mine told me he wanted to get stoned

So his funeral is in two weeks

What do you get when you drop a piano into an coal mine?

A Flat Minor

A friend of mine lost his leg hiking

He retraced his step but still couldn’t find it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine got caught masturbating in the showers

That ruined our trip to Auschwitz - Jimmy Carr

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

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"You've seen mine every day for the last 30 years," said my wife, "so why on earth do you want to visit the Vagina Museum?"

I replied "because at least they'll let me inside it."

A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around!

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.

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Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Two men were washed ashore during World War I.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast. As they sought shelter in a makeshift camp, one of them managed to salvage a radio and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded within the hour, saying it could be at their locat...

Hmmm a thought of mine..

If you are what you eat, then does that mean cannibals are the only true humans?

A co-worker of mine left their drink on my desk, again

I sent them a message on Slack to come pick it up, but for some reason they refused.

They just told me to drink it?

But, I won't.

That's just not my cup of tea.

A friend of mine lost a hand and a leg in an explosion, remaining with only his right ones.

When I asked him about it he said he was feeling left out.

A mime friend of mine got arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

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Uhm, hey ... so i got this real big problem with a good friend of mine, listen.

This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral."

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

What type of monkey goes into a mine field?

A baboon


haha im so funny

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine...

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washin...

Saw another post on here about their recently passed away grandpa so here’s mine

Two men are fishing one day and they both decide to take a leak. So they go over to the dock and drain the snake. In the middle, one man says to the other, trying to brag about the size of his genetalia, “hey it’s pretty cold in the water”. The other man replies without missing a beat, “Yeah, it’s p...

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem

I call it my trail mix.

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

A supposed friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion about all this plastic waste we’re generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore after he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

A friend of mine told me he'd heard about a local glory hole...

He received an anonymous tip.

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

So, this occurred to me wile i was in need of a tie and mine was in the dryer, so i had to call my friend Mitch.

It's either get Mitch, or tie dryin'.

I was talking to a buddy of mine who was recently married...

I asked him how it was going, and he said "She's driving me to drink!" I said, "You're the lucky one, mine's making me walk."

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested,.. the church is in New York City and the bride's name is Donna.

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A buddy of mine told me he gets great nutritional value from eating poop.

Really, I just think he's full of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mine owner advertised for new workers...

And three Guys turned up — an Irishman, a Italian, and a Japanese. The owner told the Irishman, “You’ll be in charge of the mining.” He tells the Italian, “You’ll be in charge of the lift.” He tells the Japanese, “You’ll be in charge of making sure we have supplies.” The next day the three men went ...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

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A friend of mine is dating a Chinese girl and they get down to sexy times...

He says “How about a 69?”

She looks bewildered and asks “ You want a beef with broccoli now?”

Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony...

Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

A friend of mine is a flasher...

He was going to retire, but decided to stick it out for another year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s plenty of Jobs in porn when you have a penis like mine

Cameraman, Lighting, sound technician even production manager.

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

I was going to tell a joke about a gold mine

But everyone would just pick holes in it

A mate of mine had just been hospitalised after taking an 'E'.

The security on Countdown don't mess about.

One wind turbine turns to another and what's your favourite genre of music, mines pop?

The other wind turbine replies, I'm a big heavy metal fan.

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I recently told a girl-friend of mine I had been having orgies with a few guys we used to know in high school.

Her: Really? Who?
Me: Mike Jensen, Pete Morris and Dick Gosinya
Her: I know two of those guys, but who's Dick Gosinya?
Me: Usually all of them, at one point or another.

A friend of mine asked what my IQ was...

I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

The zodiac sign of a friend of mine was cancer, which was very ironic because of how he died.

He was eaten by a large crab.

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

What's your YouTuber crush?

Mines the Hydraulic *Press* Channel

(credit: jacksfilms)

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Hitler and a miner are in a mine.

The miner says to Hitler, "we're getting too much stone and rubble from mining so much!"


Hitler replies with "Well then we'll have to mine less."


Then suddenly, a grammar Nazi bursts through the wall and says "Its actually 'MINE FEWER'!"


Hitler then replies wit...

A friend of mine asked for my opinion on his displacement obsession.

‘Whatever floats your boat’

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks

“What do all of these clocks represent?”

To which the angel replies,

“These are the clocks of man, every person tha...

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died...

She is sadly mist.

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.

I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold should...

A joke from a co-worker of mine

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a Trump joke.The bartender responds,"look, I am a Trump supporter the owner is also a Trump supporter and the hostess that's seated you is a trump supporter are you still sure you want to tell the joke". The guy responds, "Well, no. N...

Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

I went for a tour of a mine the other day

I was in total ore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)



Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the e...

I asked her to be mine

She exploded.

So a ginger friend of mine got their hair dyed, I guess you could say they are now...

A transginger

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Asked a mate of mine what he was into, sexually.

“Women” he said, “ Bi and large”.

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mate of mine got addicted to phone sex

....
He ended up with hearing aids

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

Figuring things out has become a fetish of mine

I just came to that realization.

I met up with an old Spanish friend of mine who always agreed with me

“Long time no sí”

I was at the park and a mother asked me which kid was mine

I told her I hadn’t decided yet.

A kindergarten student of mine told me this one.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

A friend of mine

started a business selling trampolines to fortune-tellers.

He says prophets are going through the roof!

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

A friend of mine...

A Friend of mine told me my math skills are average.

That's just mean

Friend of mine sends me a link to a reposted joke on r/Jokes

I say : "No thanks, I've already Reddit."

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