UPJOKE
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Mine Jokes

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...
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My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

Little Timmy got lost in a mine field. Where is Little Timmy?

Everywhere.



I know that joke was a bit dark, but at least it got real bright for half a second!
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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A friend of mine invited me over for a threesome with a girl.

I was hesitant at first but eventually agreed. So I went over to his place and we got started. I just couldn't get into it. A half hour in, I started wondering when the girl is going to show up.
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I threw a surprise bukkake party for a girl friend of mine.

Everybody came. You should have seen her face.
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Just been speaking to a mate of mine, he's just seen the Chernobyl documentary.

He actually grew up in Ukraine in the 1980's and was able to count at least 11 historical inaccuracies on one hand.
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Trump says to Pence, "China's mining too many ores"

Pence: What are you going to do?
Trump: Order more tariffs to make them mine less.
Pence: Mine fewer.
Trump: Shhh, don't call me that yet.
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I want to pick up bags at the airport, and everyone's luggage was better looking than mine.

It was the worst case scenario.
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For Valentine's Day, my wife finally fulfilled a fantasy of mine when dressed up as a nurse.

At last, I got to roleplay having access to healthcare.
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I asked a Scottish friend of mine how many sexual partners he'd had.

He started counting but fell asleep.

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...
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I was dismayed this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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It's also mine

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flum...

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"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

A friend of mine, a mother of four, refused to have her children vaccinated.

Edit: mother of three...
Edit: mother of two...
Edit: mother of one...


*Thanks for the upvotes, never thought I'd make it to the front page!!
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Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth
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A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...
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A friend of mine cut off the tip of ants feet and attached stilts to their legs.

Now he has lack toes and taller ants...
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A police officer stopped me and searched my pockets. Found a bag of weed. "What have we here?" "It's not mine officer." He scoffs.

"I'm serious! I was cursed by a leprechaun, you know what scallywags they are. Now, every single time I flush this chronic down the toilet it magically reappears in my pocket."
"Bullshit."
"Try me!"
He frowns, but follows me as we head to the bathroom in this cafe. I take out the cannabis a...

Did you hear, Little Timmy wandered straight into the mine field?

The whole town heard.

Some say he was distracted, that his mind was all over the place.
It certainly is now.

Timmy wasn’t too smart.
The warning sign next to the minefield *literally* has more brain than him.

The mine field always filled Timmy with awe and wonder.
It ...
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A psychologist friend of mine just got a grant to work out how mice communicate

Not much money in it though. He can barely eke out a living.
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A buddy of mine has a wife in a coma but he refuses to call her a vegetable...

...he refers to her as his brussel spouse.
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A friend of mine died from a sexually related condition.

His girlfriend's husband shot him.

You know, a friend of mine met a guy last week who told her he was a billionaire.

\- She slept with him, and the next morning, he gave her money for a bus.

\- Wow, she must be freaking mad at him.

\- Nah, not really. A bus costs, what, two hundred grand?
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I was considering telling a vaccine joke to a right wing coworker of mine

but didn't because he probably wouldn't get it anyways.
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A coworker of mine comes up to me

He says, “What’s up man? I have a question for you”

“Ok” I reply

“Imagine you go camping with some other guys. One night you all are doing a lot of drinking. You wake up in the morning with your pants down to your ankles and Vaseline in your butthole. Would you tell any body about tha...

A friend of mine and I were both born on 4/20.

We always have a joint birthday party.
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Why did the worker at the coal mine come to work immediately after he got injured ?

because it was a miner injury
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A friend of mine drove his car into a tree…

He found out how a Mercedes bends
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In a fit of rage, a friend of mine ran over a pedestrian with his electric car.

He will be charged with battery.
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A buddy of mine started dating this girl that plays soccer. I like her a lot.

She's a keeper.
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A friend of mine mentioned how his former lover always makes him wait in line,

and I was like "ex queue's you"?
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A friend of mine opposes religion so much that they say they’re “allergic to Jesus.”

So I told them to take an anti-theist-amine.
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What do you call a monkey in a mine field ?

A Baboooom!
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Funny Albert Einstein Joke (not mine)

An old, funny joke - I think I saw it on reddit a while ago, but haven't seen it in a while - so here it is:

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet ...
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A dyslexic friend of mine thought it might help his condition if he joined a poetry club.

He hasn't come out with any poems yet, but he's made some pretty nice jugs and vases and stuff.
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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

A dear friend of mine fell overboard while sailing the other day

Sadly, he couldn't swim, so he quickly drowned.
At the funeral service, I gifted his family a life preserver.
It's what he would have wanted.
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A friend of mine got kidnapped by a group of mimes.

They did unspeakable things to him.
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A friend of mine recently fell into an abandoned mine shaft.

Don't worry, he only suffered miner injuries.
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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
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A Swedish friend of mine told me how he lost everything when the car company he worked for went out of business.

It was a real Saab story.
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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

A friend of mine hates people with no feet

Hes lack-toes intolerant
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(not mine) I hate the Harry Potter franchise, it's too unrealistic.

I mean I'm not saying magic is impossible, everyone on my estate fights with sticks, there may even be the odd unicorn about, but who, has ever seen a ginger kid with two mates ?
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A transplant patient of mine asked how long he’ll have to wait for surgery

I don’t have the heart to tell him.
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A friend of mine lost 200 pounds of excess fat and obsolete tissue in a matter of months.

Better still, he felt great about the divorce.
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The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"

The miner replied, "Mine."
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A friend of mine said, “Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”
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Not mine but worth it

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

15 year old sis of mine tried to show off her photoshop skills

I said it's just a minor editing
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A friend of mine told me about his plan to sell burial plots to rich Egyptians.

Sounded like a pyramid scheme to me.
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A friend of mine has been rushed to hospital, after eating a horse-burger.

Apparently he is now in a stable condition.
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Was talking to an uncle of mine at a wedding

The night was getting on and we were each a couple pints deep.

My eyes were starting to wander and he caught me looking at a good looking girl with a fair bit of fake tan on

I look back and see him glance at her before giving me a cheeky wink

“Jeezus” he goes “ye young ones are ...
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A friend of mine had a dildo farm [NSFW]

He couldn't get rid of the squatters

I got fired from my job at the marble mine today

I kept taking it for granite
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I won a doorbell competition even though mine was missing.

They gave me the Nobel prize.
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Saw another post on here about their recently passed away grandpa so here’s mine

Two men are fishing one day and they both decide to take a leak. So they go over to the dock and drain the snake. In the middle, one man says to the other, trying to brag about the size of his genetalia, “hey it’s pretty cold in the water”. The other man replies without missing a beat, “Yeah, it’s p...
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A colleague of mine fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, his quick reaction killed him.
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Two boys were peeing up a wall, the first boy looks at the second and says "Why does your thing look different than mine?"

The second boy says " I've been circumsized "
And the first boy asked "What's that?"
the second boy replies " Well on the day I was born they cut the skin off"
The first boy says " Oh my god! Did it hurt"
And the second boy replies " DID IT HURT!! I couldn't walk for eighteen months!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.
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A friend of mine has been collecting magazines for 10 years.

That guy has a lot of issues.
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A good friend of mine has been fired for a minor indiscretion after 7 years of medical school.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, money, and effort. He's still paying back his college loans. Just goes to show that one tiny mistake can ruin your life. My thoughts to him and his family.

He really is a good man, and a b...
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"No child of mine is going out in a skirt that short."

"Dad, I'm sixteen. I'll wear what I want!"

"Yeah, but son, your nuts are showing."
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A friend of mine had a job at the zoo circumcising elephants.

The pay was poor, but the tips were huge
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Some new friends of mine were looking through the photos on my phone...

They saw a ton of pictures of food, and the occasional pictures of my dog. And then they asked if I was Asian!
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A timid friend of mine was arrested at the border for being a drug mule.

I didn't know he had it in him.
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Saw a kid riding a bike today that I thought was mine

I checked my basement and sure enough he was still in there.

TIFU by eating my coworkers sandwich instead of mine.

oops wrong sub.
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Buddy of mine got a brand new Mercedes Benz for his Wife

Damn good trade if you ask me.
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A friend of mine does voodoo acupuncture.

You don’t even have to go.
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A friend of mine said onions are the only food that can make him cry.

So I hit him in the face with a watermelon.
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A writer friend of mine claims he is 'glued to his memoir'

That's his story and he's sticking to it.
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I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?
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I stared into her eyes and she stared right back into mine, and then we started to cry

But then I blinked and lost
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Friend of mine is doing really well running his crematorium

He urn’s a lot
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A buddy of mine isn't sure whether he believes in creamy holiday beverages or not.

He's eggnogstic.
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A friend of mine asked me why Merry and Pippen didn't just walk behind Treebeard through Fangorn Forest? I said "I don't know, why?"

He said " They wouldn't follow Ent trails". I said "That's an offal joke".
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My wife said she'd fulfil any fantasy of mine.

"What about a nice mini skirt, some high heels and a tight red bra?" I asked.

She spread herself on the bed and said, "Of course, baby."

I said, "Excellent. Wait here, I'll just go and get changed."
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My wife's fantasy is to be with another man. Mine is to have two girls at the same time.

She must have misunderstood because now we have twin daughters from the mailman
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A friend of mine recently got a severe frostbite.

I was really worried, but he told me he was cool with it.
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The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.
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A friend of mine was recently injured from a lack of blood flow to his brain while he was masturbating.

He had a bad stroke!

In soviet russia, there are no mines.

There are just ours.
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Introduced a friend of mine to minimalism

It was the least I could do.
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A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again.

She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him wa...
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What happens when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?

A-flat minor
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A friend of mine called me while I was at work.

He said he was going to change his name to "Spinal Column".

I said, "Look, I'm really busy right now. I'll call you back."
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Not a joke but a real incident that happened to an indian acquaintance of mine when he moved to Australia for higher studies..

So he comes out of the airport and gets into the cab.

The Aussie cab driver asked where he is from ?

He replied 'India '.

The cab driver asked ' So did you come to die?'

He froze as it was the times when there were racial attacks by white Aussies on people of indian des...
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The madam tell her girls ' Just give those guys blow-up dolls.'

'They're so wasted they'll never know the difference'

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think Mine was a witch'

First: 'really whys that?'

Second: ''cause when i bi...

The Pregnant Woman On The Bus (not mine)

Another classic...

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughi...
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Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.
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A friend of mine went bald years ago but he still carries around a comb.

He just can't part with it.
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A friend of mine is so politically correct....

At the deli he is afraid to ask for " white American " cheese.
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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

A friend of mine asked me if there’s any swearing in Oedipus

I said there better not be, he kisses his mother with that mouth.
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I heard we’re telling bad jokes, so here’s mine.

Long ago there lived a Cheerio in a small village beneath a giant mountain, which had a small town of its own on top.

This famous town was known for one thing, in this town, if you wait in line, you can receive anything that you want, but to reach it, you must climb the difficult mountain al...
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There's plenty of jobs in the porn industry when you have a dick like mine.

Camera man, light and sound technician.

I saw your "a woman walks into a store joke" and this is mine

A woman walks into a pet store and sees three parrots. She asks the cashier how much is the first parrot and he says, "This parrot costs $500".

"$500? Why is it so expensive?"

"This parrot can dance, sing, say 300 words and can send emails over the web"

"really? wow! and how muc...
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A man is on a business trip in Paris and gets lonely..

He decides to call down to the hotel lobby to see if they can arrange him an escort. Within minutes there is a knock on the door and he opens it to see a stunningly beautiful woman wearing a short tight dress. "Monsieur, what are you interested in tonight?" He thinks for a second and says "honestly,...

A friend of mine is so into medieval stories that he continuously goes through all the members of King Arthur's round table.

Knight, after knight, after knight after knight.....
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People often arguing about which Avenger is the best. Cap, Iron man, Thor...mine is Antman.

I can't help but cheer for an Ant-y hero.
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A friend of mine have been in a wheelchair all his life

Having tried everything available to try and walk he trying to me for help. As a man of religion, the only thing I could consider what’s the take him to Lourdes in France, and try the healing water is there.

As we looked on m, a blind man went into the waters and was dipped, when he came out,...
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Help Requested: A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 Super bowl. They are box seats plus airfares and hotel accommodations. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.


If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it's at St. Peter's Chu...
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The girl next door to mine is a pornstar

But she is going to be really mad if she finds out

A mentor of mine once told me

that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
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A friend of mine told me today that he doesn’t understand cloning...

“That makes two of us” I said.
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Most colleges have a women's studies major, but mine has a men's studies major too

It's called "history"
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A friend of mine has some really insane bowel movements.

Shits crazy.

A friend of mine went to take the vaccine for covid yesterday

After getting vaccinated, his vision was blurred and when he reached home, he called the hospital that gave him the vaccine for advice asking if he should be hospitalized.

The hospital told him to come back and collect his glasses
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Facebook views Reddit the same way newlyweds view child mine workers

They don't like to aknowledge their existence even though they're responsible for most of the cool shit they show off to their friends

I see your nerd joke and raise you mine

A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and sits down. He says to the bartender "How much?". Bartender replies, "For you no charge."
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A friend of mine is an aviation technician

He's Welsh, called Dai and repairs planes.
One day, he had to do a repair on a broken toilet seat.
It will forever be known as, "Loo seat in the sky which Dai mends"
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The Little Old Lady At Service (not mine)

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question.

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones?" "Are you not willing to forgive your enemie...

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What's a vagina's favorite music genre?

Cuntry

So, a friend of mine claims to be really body-positive, but...

...I saw him comment on a picture of a fat woman in Wal-Mart comparing her to a pachyderm. I told him to stop being so hippo-critical.
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[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.

I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold should...
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Not mine but really made me laugh

I visited Australia this summer, l saw a a guy fucking a kangaroo and a one legged man jacking off in a bar.
I asked the bartender, what's wrong with this place?
He said "What do you mean what's wrong with this place?
I said "On the way over here I saw a guy fucking a kangaroo and that one ...

A friend of mine knows I'm a baker and asked for a cake as a wedding present

I told him I can't do it for free I am sorry.

He asked why and I said

Sorry, I knead the dough...
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A friend of mine had a penis extension

Now his house looks really stupid

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My ex was addicted to dick. just not mine

I guess micro-dosing just wasn't doing it for her after a while

I asked my girlfriend if I could make her mine. "Yes! Oh, yes!" she shouted, eyes filled with tears. "Great!" I said.

"Now take this pick and go find me some gold!"
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Not mine!

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog.

He asks the shopkeeper,

"Does your dog bite?"

The shopkeeper says,

"No, my dog does not bite."

The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.

"Ouch!"

He says, "I thought you said your dog do...
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Your nose or mine

You can pick your friends ...and you can pick your nose.....but you can't pick your friends nose
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A friend of mine drinks a bottle of brake fluid a day.

He says he's not addicted and can stop any time.
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A friend of mine is newly single

I wished him thots and prayers
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This joke is not mine,

Says my father whenever he looks at me.
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A weird, infuriating thing that happened to a friend of mine.

So a friend of mine was on the downtown bus the other day and, nice guy that he is, he gave up his seat for an elderly woman that got on after him. I guess she was really old too. She had a cane and everything. But then suddenly everybody else on the bus got mad at him for it. They started yelling a...
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dodges a mine there

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine..
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A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.
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This is my husbands creation.. not mine - what kind of fish makes wind?

A blow fish.
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A buddy of mine named is dog "5 miles"

Just to say he walked 5 miles.

But today he ran over 5 miles.
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A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.
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