A man and a woman argue over the custody of their child. The woman screams, "The child is mine! I birthed him from my own flesh and blood and carried him through labour! All you did was screw me, you don't deserve him!"

The man calmly replies, "Tell me, if I put ten cents in a vending machine and a drink pops out, does it belong to me or the vending machine?"

I’m going to hell for this.

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

A friend of mine believes that the Earth is flat. I challenged him to prove it by walking off the edge…

He eventually came around!

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

What do you get when you drop a piano into an coal mine?

A Flat Minor

A co-worker of mine left their drink on my desk, again

I sent them a message on Slack to come pick it up, but for some reason they refused.

They just told me to drink it?

But, I won't.

That's just not my cup of tea.

A friend of mine lost a hand and a leg in an explosion, remaining with only his right ones.

When I asked him about it he said he was feeling left out.

Hmmm a thought of mine..

If you are what you eat, then does that mean cannibals are the only true humans?

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine...

I recently called an old Engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment."
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washin...

Saw another post on here about their recently passed away grandpa so here’s mine

Two men are fishing one day and they both decide to take a leak. So they go over to the dock and drain the snake. In the middle, one man says to the other, trying to brag about the size of his genetalia, “hey it’s pretty cold in the water”. The other man replies without missing a beat, “Yeah, it’s p...

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Uhm, hey ... so i got this real big problem with a good friend of mine, listen.

This guy is extremly pissed about me, because i sniffed at his sister's underpanties. I don't know if it's because she was still wearing them or her parents were present.... Dude, i tell ya... strange funeral."

A buddy of mine went to college, majored in veterinary medicine and minored in taxidermy.

"Either way you're getting your dog back" He says

I made a playlist for hiking. It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem

I call it my trail mix.

A policeman stops a car...

Policeman: Whose car is this, where are you taking it and what do you do for a living?

Miner: Mine

A mime friend of mine got arrested after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.

He still has the right to remain silent.

So, this occurred to me wile i was in need of a tie and mine was in the dryer, so i had to call my friend Mitch.

It's either get Mitch, or tie dryin'.

A supposed friend of mine and I were having a heated discussion about all this plastic waste we’re generating. I decided we couldn’t be friends anymore after he brought up straws.

I can’t be friends with someone who makes straw-ban arguments.

I told my wife it was a lifetime dream of mine to become a politician.

"I'm all for it," she supported.


"You are?" I asked, surprised. "How so?"



"Well, look where it got JFK."

A good friend of mine, Frank, owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business...

He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though, and is determined to make every post a weiner.

I was talking to a buddy of mine who was recently married...

I asked him how it was going, and he said "She's driving me to drink!" I said, "You're the lucky one, mine's making me walk."

I started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super bowl. He didn't realize when he bought them that this is the same day as his wedding - so he can't go.

If you're interested,.. the church is in New York City and the bride's name is Donna.

What do you call a monkey in a mine field?

A baBOOM!

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

Did ya hear about the coal mine that caved in this morning?

Everyone got out, it was just a miner inconvenience.

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A buddy of mine told me he gets great nutritional value from eating poop.

Really, I just think he's full of shit.

A friend of mine told me he'd heard about a local glory hole...

He received an anonymous tip.

Today, a friend of mine had to go to the hospital because he ate a pizza.

*My* pizza.

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A mine owner advertised for new workers...

And three Guys turned up — an Irishman, a Italian, and a Japanese. The owner told the Irishman, “You’ll be in charge of the mining.” He tells the Italian, “You’ll be in charge of the lift.” He tells the Japanese, “You’ll be in charge of making sure we have supplies.” The next day the three men went ...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

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A friend of mine is dating a Chinese girl and they get down to sexy times...

He says “How about a 69?”

She looks bewildered and asks “ You want a beef with broccoli now?”

A friend of mine who was an officer invited me for a ride along.

As we were driving along he told me: "I've been a cop for almost 20 years now. I can follow anyone, and I mean anyone for just 1 mile down the road and I can find something I can cite them for."

I said prove it, so he started following the next guy he saw. After a mile he said "I can't believ...

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

A friend of mine told me this morning that I don’t seem to understand irony...

Which itself was ironic since we were at a bus stop at the time.

My wife accused me of hating all of her relatives.

I told her "That is not true, in fact I like your mother-in-law a lot better than I like mine."

Friend of mine offered to lend me his Bohemian Rhapsody DVD

Turned out it was a pirated copy. Was pretty average quality if I’m being honest, could only see a little silhouetto of a man

A friend of mine called and asked for $500 to pay the rent.

Yesterday a friend called & asked if I could loan her $500 to help her pay her rent. I wanted to be helpful to someone in such need. I told her, let me check my account & l will call you right back. Before I could double check, her sister calls & says, "Don’t give her any money because s...

A friend of mine can float one inch off the ground when he drinks Jack Daniels.

He’s a bourbon legend.

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There’s plenty of Jobs in porn when you have a penis like mine

Cameraman, Lighting, sound technician even production manager.

A mate of mine had just been hospitalised after taking an 'E'.

The security on Countdown don't mess about.

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My wife said, "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars." Chuckling, I asked, "How about the ones like mine?" She retorted, "Those, they gave away."

Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand."

She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?"

To which I replied, "That's where they held the ...

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I recently told a girl-friend of mine I had been having orgies with a few guys we used to know in high school.

Her: Really? Who?
Me: Mike Jensen, Pete Morris and Dick Gosinya
Her: I know two of those guys, but who's Dick Gosinya?
Me: Usually all of them, at one point or another.

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An old joke I heard from a friend of mine..

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day, he decides to throw a huge party. During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposit...

I was going to tell a joke about a gold mine

But everyone would just pick holes in it

A friend of mine is a flasher...

He was going to retire, but decided to stick it out for another year.

A friend of mine asked what my IQ was...

I told him it was 60. He was pretty shocked, but I'm not worried. I was tested in Celsius.

Vin Diesel lives his life 1/4 Mile at a time, I live mine 1/4 Tank at a time.

Help me I’m barely making ends meet here.

A friend of mine, a mother of 4 refused to get her children vaccinated.

Edit : Mother of three..

Edit2 : Mother of two...

Edit3 : Mother of one.....

Edit4 : Mo.. Wait..

One wind turbine turns to another and what's your favourite genre of music, mines pop?

The other wind turbine replies, I'm a big heavy metal fan.

A friend of mine stole my broken pen but later returned it.

That doesn't make it write.

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Hitler and a miner are in a mine.

The miner says to Hitler, "we're getting too much stone and rubble from mining so much!"


Hitler replies with "Well then we'll have to mine less."


Then suddenly, a grammar Nazi bursts through the wall and says "Its actually 'MINE FEWER'!"


Hitler then replies wit...

The zodiac sign of a friend of mine was cancer, which was very ironic because of how he died.

He was eaten by a large crab.

A friend of mine asked for my opinion on his displacement obsession.

‘Whatever floats your boat’

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs! 

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

Use any units you'd like (actually happened in a class of mine)

Professor: Anyone want to guess the Earth's magnetic field strength? Use any units you'd like.

Student: *raises hand*

Professor: Yes?

Student: 1 Earth

Friend of mine had bad pain from arthritis in his knee. He ended up being one of the first to have knee replacement surgeries...

back in the day when they made them out of iron.

When he was a bit older, he had to have an MRI done, and they didn’t check that he had metal in his body. Once the machine was turned on, it started pulling the knee right out socket, and he started screaming in pain – “Oh the iron knee, the ...

I was at a fancy dress party, and I ran into a friend of mine, dressed as a turtle with another girl on her back

I asked “who’s the other girl”

She said...

“Michelle”

(Old and not mine) A man dies and goes to heaven

When he gets there he sees a wall of immeasurable proportions made entirely of clocks with a gate in the center. He sees an angel in front of the gate so he asks

“What do all of these clocks represent?”

To which the angel replies,

“These are the clocks of man, every person tha...

I called a Chinese friend of mine to ask how he was doing while he was visiting his family back in China.

He said he couldn’t complain.

Richard, a good friend of mine, insisted that it's now impossible to get a "repost" to the front page of /r/jokes...

"Every joke ever written has been posted to Reddit and there is nothing left to joke about." Said Richard and he even suggesting many of you would agree.

"Put your money down on the table, I bet I can get a "repost" to the front page!" I replied with a sense of regret as I soon as I said tho...

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(This is actually a joke by Jim Morrison) A Friend Of Mine Wanted a Duck Hunting-Dog...

...so he went to an old-timer to ask for some advice. He told him to find a dog with a tight asshole so that when the dog goes in the water, it won’t flood in his asshole causing him to sink. So my friend goes to the kennel, checking all of the dog’s assholes. The kennel owner sees him and asks what...

Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

I went for a tour of a mine the other day

I was in total ore

I asked her to be mine

She exploded.

A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died...

She is sadly mist.

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Asked a mate of mine what he was into, sexually.

“Women” he said, “ Bi and large”.

I grilled some steak for my father-in-law. After taking a bite, he said, “I like mine well done.”

I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”

I was told some bad news last month. A good friend of mine had fallen into an upholstering machine and suffered terrible injuries.

The good news is he's now fully recovered

I met up with an old Spanish friend of mine who always agreed with me

“Long time no sí”

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A mate of mine got addicted to phone sex

....
He ended up with hearing aids

So a ginger friend of mine got their hair dyed, I guess you could say they are now...

A transginger

This one’s true. A work colleague of mine told me she went to Bangkok on her honeymoon. I replied,

I know you did, but where did you go?

A buddy of mine is one of those “flat Earther’s.” He said he’s angry and going to the edge.

I have a feeling he’ll come around.

A friend of mine watched as I hunted for our dinner. He was disgusted by the mess of a dead animal.

Needless to say, I killed his appetite.

[Long] They were twins, a guy, Ving, and a girl, Ling. Both very good friends of mine.

One day, Ving asks if I would do him a favour. I said, “Sure”. He asks me to drive him to the city hall after work. He says he wants to change his name to something more American.

I agreed. So after work I'm driving Ling and Ving to the city hall, and I see Ling is giving Ving the cold should...

It seems like anything goes these days. A friend of mine has just become engaged to a pencil!

Now he wants to introduce me to his bride, 2B.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine was killed last night. I came here for some relief from the grief and you all helped me so I thought I'd share my favorite joke.

It's important that you use a southern accent in your mind ;)



Jim Bob and John Boy were sittin on their front porch watching their beans grow. On the road at the edge of their property they see a Volkswagen sputter to a stop. They head out to it and see a pretty woman looking at the e...

“Sorry about the temperature down the mine today”

“It’s coal man”

What do you call Napoleon after he stepped on a land mine?

Napoleon Blownaparte

Figuring things out has become a fetish of mine

I just came to that realization.

A buddy of mine looked troubled, so i decided to follow him. For a couple of weeks, without him knowing.

Now he is diagnosed as paranoid.

A friend of mine

started a business selling trampolines to fortune-tellers.

He says prophets are going through the roof!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a nun friend of mine if I could kiss her ...

She said yes.

A few days later, she let me kiss her again.

The next time I saw her, I asked if I could french kiss her.

She hesitated, then said "Well, okay" so we frenched and it was amazing.

After that, I asked if I could french her again, and maybe touch her.

...

“A friend of mine developed a strange addiction and drinks brake fluid.

When I warned him of the dangers, He said " No worries, I can stop anytime."

I'm blind and an old friend of mine is mute.

I haven't seen or heard from him in forever.

I was at the park and a mother asked me which kid was mine

I told her I hadn’t decided yet.

Friend of mine sends me a link to a reposted joke on r/Jokes

I say : "No thanks, I've already Reddit."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Does anyone know if you can take a skin graft from a donkey and transplant it onto a mate of mine who was burned?

Just ass skin for a friend.

A friend of mine...

A Friend of mine told me my math skills are average.

That's just mean

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My neighbor's wife is better than mine!

I've always felt an irresistible attraction for the neighbour next door.

One day, when speaking to her husband, he said:
"I need to have my apartment painted, but I work all day and I get tired. I tried to hire a professional painter but the guy asked me for the an arm and a leg ..."
...

A friend of mine asked what it's like to raise a small toddler

so I coughed directly in his mouth

A friend of mine started taking baby Ed class where they use bags of flour to represent babies

3 days later he came to class with a cake claiming his baby went through puberty.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked a friend of mine how often he changes positions during sex...

...he replied “zero, if anything changing positions gives them a chance to escape!”

A friend of mine who was a doctor of 7 years got fired for sleeping with a patient

Really heartbreaking he was an astounding vet

A kindergarten student of mine told me this one.

Why didn't the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.

I was gutted today when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine...

She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school...

A trans friend of mine was recently able to adopt a kid.

Haven’t really seen him around lately, though, now that he’s a trans parent.

I got my first prostate exam done today.

I asked the doctor where I should put my pants. “Right next to mine,” wasn’t the answer I was expecting.

My teacher found out a family member of mine had passed away

To show his respect, he marked all my work with an F

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