UPJOKE
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What do giants and strippers have in common?

They both grind bones to make their bread.

Giant: "I'll grind this orphan's bones to make my cake!"

Also Giant: "I find self-raising flour makes for a lighter and more consistent texture."

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A boy dreams of one day working at his favorite sandwich shop.

And so, he asks the owner if he could see how the sandwiches are made. Delighted, the owner shows him how he grinds his own peanut butter, prepares his own pickles and even whips up his own mayonnaise. The boy is so excited that he blurts out his deepest wish--to see how the owner makes his signatu...

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As a german you know What really grinds my gears?

When that fucker in the left Lane is only going 190 on the fucking autobahn you fucking disgrace.

As a german I have to ask: You know what really grinds my gears?

Ntohing. Our engineering is perfect.

Did you hear about the optician who fell into his lens grinding machine

He made a spectacle of himself.

How do you make Turkish coffee?

You grind up 1.5 million Armenian coffee beans and lie about it for a century.

A widower goes to the butcher

shortly after the death of his wife. As soon as the butcher sees him he breaks down into tears.

"I have a confession to make!" The butcher says between sobs. "8 years ago I made a pass at your wife! I told her she could have all finest cuts of meat she'd like if she'd sleep with me. She turne...

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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My friend is a stripper, I'm a warehouse associate. She asked how her job is any different than mine if we both use our bodies.

I said "well it's simple really; I grind metal and you grind wood."

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

You know what grinds my gear?

Dry humping

I love my job

So I was at work one night, doing the usual grind and all, when suddenly I saw a little girl crying. I asked her "whats wrong? Where are your parents?" And she just started crying even more!

God I love working at an orphanage.

I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

Do you know what grinds my gears?

Do you know what grinds my gears? I have to read the aforementioned title twice for most jokes.

Soylent Cola, the soda made from grinding up people, is said to not have a set flavor

They say the taste varies from person to person.

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What do you get when you grind up Kim Jung Un's junk, mix in some shredded potatoes, ball them up and deep fry them?

dicktator tots

Doc

My dentist tells me I grind my teeth so at night I fill my mouth with coffee beans and water and set the clock for 7:30

What fruit did Hillary grind up in her juicer?

13 blackberries and 5 apples

Do you know what really grinds my gears?

My wife! This is her first time driving a manual.

The Tale of Greenbeard the Pirate

Greenbeard got his name due his poor table manners and lack of proper beard hygiene, but let's not get into that just now - Greenbeard loved chocolate. He loved chocolate more than jewels. He loved chocolate more than diamonds. He even loved chocolate more than gold - and there isn't anything most p...

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Mild NSFW Long - A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern...

A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.  He is greated fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them then orders a drink of his own. A few drinks in now, his ear pick up three of the older farmers talking:


"You see this! Mary da...

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."<...

You know what grinds a Germans gear?

Nothing, they are too well engineered.

If I had a dollar for every downvote EA"s comment gets....

I would have enough money to unlock half of the Battlefront 2 heroes without having to grind them.

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

Doctor, my girlfriend grinds her teeth while sleeping.

Dr: Put some coffee beans in her mouth and set the alarm for 7:30am

The engine on the airplane sputters to a stop

The captain comes over the intercom.
"Attention passengers we've had a minor problem with one of our engines but we have three more and will only be a little late arriving at our destination".
A short while later another engine grinds to a halt with a small train of smoke coming from it. Again...

Hank the Cowboy

May not be super funny, but this joke makes my brother heave a little.





For years, Hank worked his corner of the old west frontier by himself. He'd sell his goods to people heading west and collected a good sum over time. Hank was notoriously tight fisted with his money. He was...

A cowboy buys a horse from the town pastor.

“To make the horse go, you gotta yell, Thank God! And to make it stop, yell, Hallelujah," explains the pastor.

The cowboy thanks him and rides off. He rides all day and starts to nod off in the saddle when he notices he is about to ride straight over a cliff.

Quickly he yells to the h...

Liam Neeson is retiring and going into the burger business. He first chooses his cuts of meat, then he says...

I will grind you and I will grill you.

The great train of Communism grinds to a halt...

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, "Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!" But the train still does not move....

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

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A fight breaks out at a Newfie wedding...

Chairs are flying and women are crying. The police show up and arrest all the men involved in the scuffle.

They all are brought to the court house and all you hear is chatter. "Order in my court", screams the judge. "Can someone come up and please explain what happened?".

Jimmy speaks...

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What does a barista, a stripper and a middle aged office worker have in common?

When they return to work, they all say "Well, back to the grind."

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A woman’s elderly husband dies...

At first the woman was hysterical because she had gotten used to having sex multiple times a week and the man had been very good. She comes up with the idea to preserve her husbands memory and she would cut off his penis and stick it in a hole in her floorboards to continue pleasuring herself even a...

Three mice walk into a bar…

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with t...

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

Me hiding under the table from the giant...

Giant: I’ll grind your bones to make my bread

Me: *steps out with a grin* Well don’t eat my humerus bone because that’ll taste funny.

Giant: *throws me off the bean stalk*

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A couple has been dating for three months in the sex is getting dull

One night they're lying in bed when the girl says, "Harry, want to try something new? It's very kinky."

He says, "Sure."

She says, "Stand over me and take a shìt on me."

He stands up, straddles her, squats a bit, and takes a dump on her chest.

She says, "Now lie in it...

Did you know that Vision gets mad whenever Wanda tries to give him a lap dance?

She really grinds his gears.

I finally leveled up my coffee game.

All that grinding was worth it.

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A man was no longer interested in having sex...

So his wife decided to buy him some of the new UltraSexTablets to get him going again. She went to the doctor, who told her to grind up half a tablet into his favourite food so he won’t notice it.
The next morning, the wife was cooking breakfast and felt like putting the new wonder drug to the...

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Grandmother gets a new doctor.

The doctor that had been seeing this 80 year old woman finally retired, at her next checkup her new doctor told her to bring all of her medicines that have been prescribed to her.

As the new doctor was going through them his eyes grew wide as he realized this grandmother had a prescription fo...

Three men are on a desrted island and get captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibals walks up to the first man and says,
"We will grind your bones and use them for forks! Do you have any last requests?"

The man says, "I would like the most delicious meal you can offer me."

The chief grants the man his request and grinds his bones into fork...

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Three mice

Three mice are sitting in a bar having drinks. They all order a shot of whiskey together and are thinking of something to drink to.

The first mouse says, "I'm so fucking hardcore the first thing I do when I go home every night is find a pill of rat poison, grind it up, and use it to season a...

That awkward moment when

That awkward moment when the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring, and no one else in Mcdonalds can hear the music on your iPod.

In a interview, my boss asked me, "Why do you think you should work here?"

I said, "My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

I then tried crushing cans for recycling, but I quit because it was soda-pressing....

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

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Last summer, I traveled to europe for a 2 week vacation..

On the last night, I decided to go to a club for some action. As I approached the entrance, there was nothing more amazing i'd seen in those last 2 weeks than the bouncer. He was buffed up at least 4 inches taller than me, had long hair, a braided beard, hell he looked like a viking. Surprisingly, h...

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Three men were going through Holy Orders to become priests...

They had passed all the tests up to this point and we're ready for the final test. They stood before the bishop and he told them that the final test would prove their devotion to God. They were instructed to take all their clothes off and tie little bells around their dicks.

The bishop told t...

What did the manual car say to the new driver ?

You really grind my gears !

My 93 year old grandfather FTW

We were at a family gathering and out of nowhere my 93 year old grandfather announces ''Well, now I have to sit down now when I pee..."

All conversation grinds to a halt and everyone looks at him.

"My doctor told me no more heavy lifting."

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

This computer can answer any question!

The computer salesman was trying to convince the CEO to buy the horribly expensive mainframe.

"It can answer *any* question! Just try it!"
The CEO thinks a minute, and asks "OK, what's my father doing right now?"
The computer grinds away for awhile, and answers "Your father...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

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Trump's statement regarding China

Trump: "In little over a week when I take office, China will fall into a slump. Factories will shut down, shops will close, stock markets will not trade, and government will grind to a halt.The wealthy will flee overseas with their families, citizens desperately trade their currency for food, doors ...

A warning to other Men.

A pair of thieves is operating outside of Home Depot. Two young blonde hair, blue-eyed 20 year-olds have been pretending that their car has broken down, and need a ride home. Once the mark has let them into the vehicle, they begin to kiss and caress each other. They moan and grind against each other...

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False Teeth

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her. The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

'Get your hand out of there!' she shouts. 'Don't you know that women have teeth down ther...

Russian history joke, maybe not for everyone but my Soviet studies professor told it in class and I had to share.

Josef Stalin, Nikita Khruschev, and Leonid Bresnev are riding together on a train headed towards Communism.

Suddenly the train grinds to a halt. The three leaders are annoyed, most of all Stalin, who immediately orders the train's personnel executed. Still, the train does not move.

K...

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A long joke, thick with details

A man with a tiny dick hiked up a mountain to ask a shaman to help with his affliction. He reached the peak and approached the shaman.

"I want a nine inch dick. What do I have to do?"

"It's simple," said the shaman. "Look down at the jungle. Do you see that tree with the white bark?"<...

“You are not the father of the kid!”

The husband is on a video game grind. After picking up the kid from the kindergarten, he goes straight to the video game again, ignoring the wife and kid as he does everyday.

After a good hour passes, the wife couldn’t hold it anymore and shouts “All you care about is video game! I have to b...

You hear about the latest computer that the Army’s using?

Well, this general puts in a question. The question is this: ‘Will there be peace or war in our time?’



The wheels whir. The lights flash. The machine grinds out the answer: *Yes.*



The general is upset. He feeds back the question: "Yes, what?"



The answer c...

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Story of McQuinn

An old Scottish man is sitting in a pub and drinking whiskey. He takes a sip and says: "Look, what a magnificent windmill. I built it all by myself, carried all the rocks together by myself. Till this day it grinds wheat for the village, but nobody calls me the Windmill builder McQuinn."
He proc...

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