Beneath Jokes - 96 Hilarious Beneath Jokes

What do clouds wear beneath their clothes?

Thunder-wear!

Credit: My kid brought this home from class the other day.... I've been laughing all day...

Mom finds a large number of magazines beneath her sons bed.

Calls her husband up to the room to show him and discuss.
"What do you think we should do?" she asks.
Father frowns and responds "Well I guess spanking him is out of the question"

..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!

Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

If Major Tom flies really high up, what would you call someone very deep beneath the ground?

Miner Tom

A local store recently had an incident where a dwarf was spotted standing on the shoulders of two vampires and hiding merchandise beneath their cloaks.

He's being charged with shoplifting on 2 counts.

What does speedy gonzalas put beneath his carpets?

Underlay! Underlay!

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

What does The Mighty Thor wear beneath his armour?

Thunderwear

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Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

I'm a 1%er and the rest of you are beneath me

I mean whole and 2% are too creamy and skim is basically disgusting milky water.

My dad thinks his job is beneath him.

He’s a floor manager.

I want to get buried beneath a pool

For the ultimate dunking!

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag ...

What's crude and beneath most Canadians?

America

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Two explorers are caught by cannibals and put in a large pot of water to be cooked. As the cannibals start the fire beneath them, one of the explorers starts chuckling to himself.

"What is so damn funny? We're going to die here!"

*"I just pissed in their soup."*

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Two whales seek revenge.

Two whales are swimming in the ocean when the come upon a whaling ship.

The one whales looks to the other and says "HEY, thats the ship that killed my brother!"

The other whale says "What do you wanna do?"

The first whales says, "Alright, here's the plan; were gonna go to the ...

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You must be in F**king management!

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

Why did they bury the fireman beneath the hill?

because he was DEAD

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

The Duke ordered his subjects not to dig tunnels beneath his land but the King gave them permission to do so,

He felt undermined.

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A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barel...

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So a man wakes up one morning wildly late for work...

Realizing the time, he threw on some clothes and ran out the door as fast as he could. He hops in his car and speeds off, driving much faster than he should have been. During his ride, he goes beneath an overpass, where a police officer happened to be parked that day. Noticing the maniac speeding do...

If a politician says bribery is beneath them....

That means the envelope with money should be delivered under the table.

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

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The empress was stressed.

The empress was stressed. Her servant suggested that maybe she could use a little relief. Agreeing to the plan she sent the servant into the city to fetch her a suitable man. The servant returned with three men.

First man stepped forward. "Beneath me," the empress scoffef.

Secon...

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

Don't make fun of people for being short,

That's beneath you.

Golfing

Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it.

She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband John.

As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every which way!

“My goodness, John,” she said, blushing at her ineptitude...

A man visits a wise man and meets his three daughters...

He's staying for the night and each of the girls come to him in turn to offer their hospitality.

The first one tells him her name is June because she was born in June. She is well practiced in fortune telling and gives him advice on the future.

The second one tells him her name is Augu...

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A mother, father, and thier young son go to a zoo.....

The child looks at one of the pens and says, "hey mom, what's that?", the mother replies, "oh that's an elephant". Noticing the gargantuan member beneath the elephant, the child asks "what's that under the elephant?", embarrassed the mother replies, "oh that's nothing". The child then walks over to ...

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My second-favorite golf joke

So a twosome tees off. Bob hits his ball right into a lake. Fred says, "You're out of bounds; better hit another." Bob says, "don't worry. Look."

Fred watches, astonished, as the ball pops to the surface and rows to shore. The ball hops out of the lake and rolls onto the grass.

So Bo...

A Scotsman gets dressed in his finest kilt and heads to the pub

He drinks a fair bit more than he should have, and after struggling for a while to make it home on foot, he finally decides to lay in the grass by the road and sleep it off.

A group of girls walk by and see him lying there, one of them remarks that she'd heard Scotsmen don't wear anything be...

What did the Maxi Pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings.

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

My wife said, “I’ve never seem you mop or sweep in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

A moth goes into a pediatrist's office. (Norm)

The pediatrist says to the moth "what's the problem?"

"Where do I begin? I go to work for Kareem Benbouda and all day long I work. Honestly doc idek what i'm doing anymore I don't think even Kareem Benbouda knows. He only knows he has power over me and that seems to bring him happiness. I wak...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

A motorist stopped at a country ford and asked an Irishman sitting nearby how deep the water was. "A couple of inches." replied the Irishman. So the motorist drove into the ford and his car promptly disappeared beneath the surface in a cauldron of bubbles.

"That's odd" thought the Irishman. "The water only goes halfway up on them ducks."

A priest, a minister and a rabbi go fishing

After rowing thier small boat to thier favorite spot, the priest says to the rabbi;

"This a great spot. Lots of nice fish"

After about an hour, the priest stands up announces he needs to answer the call of nature, steps out of the boat and walks across the water to shore, disappears f...

Aeroplane jokes tend to go right over my head.

But submarine jokes are beneath me.

I turned down a job to work in a coal mine.

It's beneath me.

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An old and a young bull

were standing on a hill top beneath an old oak tree, looking down upon the herd.

The young bull, full of youthful exuberance says, "lets run down there and one of those cows".

The old bull says, "lets walk down and them all".

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Two old men are walking in the garden of their retirement home...

All the sudden, some old woman jumps out of the bushes right in front of them, swings her bathrobe wide open and exposing her naked body beneath shouts "SUPERPUSSY!!!"

One man turns to the other, taps his hearing aid and says loudly:
"WHAT DID SHE SAY, LARRY?"

"She said SUPERPUSSY, ...

A Christian welder is tasked with making a new frame for a stained glass pane…

…and is asked by his dyslexic priest to do so inside the church, beneath a steel statue of Jesus for it to be blessed by the lord.

The welder tries to do so but struggles as he cannot get the final metal ends of the frame to weld correctly, and more frustratingly he cannot seem to find out w...

Why are christmas trees so fond of the past?

Because the present's beneath them

Three men are walking in the desert.

Three men are walking in the desert, all dehydrated.

They approach a slide with an empty paddling pool beneath it with a wizard standing nearby.

Wizard: This slide is magical. When you slide down it, you can say a drink of your choosing and the paddling pool will fill up with that drin...

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

I told my mother I lost my will to live...

She then proceeded to find it beneath a sofa cushion.

A very attractive young woman takes a vacation to Scotland

While she is there, she sees a local in traditional Scottish attire. She walks up to him as says "excuse me, I don't want to be rude, but there is something I have always wondered: is it true that Scotsmen don't wear anything beneath their kilts?"

"Well, lassie" says the Scotsman "why don't y...

Translated Chinese joke

Good news: Today is the little Johnny's first time flying!

Bad news: The engine caught fire as soon as he took off

Good news: He took a parachute with him so he could bail out

Bad news: The parachute failed midair

Good news: He saw a huge stack of hay right beneath him...

I knew a guy who hated floors

He just thought they were beneath him

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Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

You can only speak ill of the dead at a graveyard

They're beneath you

A young american man was digging a massive pit for a Roman Catholic graveyard.

At 10 AM, he saw a priest leading a congregation to a nearby clearing with a wooden pedestal. The priest preached and the group listened intently. After an hour, they left.

The young man asks his supervisor, "Why are they praying on an empty field?"

His supervisor replied, "they were p...

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I read a sign in a bathroom stall that said, “Do not flush foreign bodies. Toilet paper only.”

Beneath it someone had written, “No ?”

I don’t get why people don’t like sitting on floors...

It’s like they think it’s beneath them or something

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Why don’t birds care where they poop?

Because it’s.. beneath them

I thought the fixture was perfectly level,

but the wedge beneath proved to be a Sham!

The Last Fight

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. They saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

With their dwindling energy, they let out another strained cry for battle, and l...

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The Tale Of The Two Ravens

Once upon a time there was a raven sitting on a nice, solid branch of a big oak, allowing the bird to have a great view over the fields beneath him. The raven didn't do much, he was simply sitting on his . After some time another raven spotted the solid branch and the first raven and decided to s...

I was up in Canada for vacation last year...

And the morning after I arrived, I went down to this little cafe beneath the hotel for a coffee. I approached the counter and said "howdy!" to the barista...

The barista asked me, "where are you from, eh?"

To which I replied "oh, I'm from California..." ...

As a writer, my vocabulary is excellent, but my spelling is lacking...

... I thought as I gazed at the squiggly red line beneath the word solemly.

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Dapple's Car Accident

Once upon a frosty Canadian winter, there lived a man named Dapple. Dapple was a proud Canuck, born and raised in the heart of the Great White North. He loved the snow, the maple syrup, and of course, ice hockey. But one fateful day, his life took an unexpected turn.

Dapple was driving ...

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A man loses his in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A team of British archaeologists dug to a depth of 15 feet and found an intricate network of copper wires.

From this, the team concluded that the Britain was advanced enough to have telephone connections in their cities 150 years ago.

In response to this, American archaeologists started their own expedition. They dug up to a depth of 20 feet and found an even more expansive network of copper wires...

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

A woman was walking along the cliff side enjoying a good book...

Just as she's about to reach the ending, a gust of wind blows the book out of her hands, down to the crashing waves beneath. Desperate to finish, she leaps after it, falling to her death.

Moral of the story: Don't jump to conclusions

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

Little Jenny loved climbing trees

When her mother came to pick her up from school, Jenny was at it again climbing the tallest tree she could find, oblivious to the group of disgusting boys looking up her skirt! The mom quickly waved her to get into the car, then in a stern voice warned her about the boys who just wanted to look at h...

One time, I was out scuba diving when I suddenly heard beautiful voices singing in unison.

I was very surprised until I looked beneath me and realized it was coming from a choral reef.

A Scottish lass inquired to a man wearing a kilt "Is it true what that say about what's underneath a man's kilt?"

"Place your hand beneath and see for yourself' replied obliged and cried out "Sir, that's gruesome!" He said "If you place your hand back again, you'll find it's gruesome more!"

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Three kingdoms lay on a triangle lake

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this story telling and legal battling came to no conclusion...

The Scotsman

An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh.
Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt?
"Well have a look" replied the Scotsman.
So she leans over and slo...

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There was a man and a woman in a parked car at a drive in movie.

They were having in the back-seat of a small sports car when the man suddenly slipped a disk in his back! He was stuck, he couldn't move at all and neither could his girlfriend, she was pinned beneath her 250 pound lover. They were desperate to get out so she managed to reach over the front...

Lots of Hecklers About

But deep, deep down, beneath all of the hatred and scumbaggery and vitriol, I know. In fact, I’m absolutely certain, that some of them just have to look up the word vitriol.

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A woman was having an affair While her husband was at work.

One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway. “Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”

“I can’t jump out the window!” came the strangled reply from ...

Sir Lancelot's Loyal Horse

As King Arthur leaves Kamelot for some important king business, Queen Guinevere sends a note to noble knight Lancelot inviting him to visit her at her chambers. Upon receiving the note, Lancelot rejoices, kisses the paper and harries to his Loyal Horse.

'My friend and comrade' - says Lancelo...

Revenge of the penguins

There is this large group of penguins living their peaceful, penguin lives.

One day, a ship crashes and sinks nearby. A polar bear swims to the ice from the sinking ship and quickly falls asleep, obviously exhausted from his ordeal.

The penguins, having never seen a polar bear, th...

I came here to make a dumb joke about the floor...

But then I realized it was beneath me.

I don’t respect the ground.

That’s beneath me.

Two middle aged men went to the gym for a workout.

As they undressed beforehand, the first man was stunned to see the second wearing a corset beneath his shirt.

"Since when have you started wearing that?" asked the first man.

The second man replied "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."

Three men are lost in the southwestern U.S. when they see a strange figure near a cliff.

They approach the figure and he introduces himself. “I am the magical genie of Arizona. When you go over this cliff, say something you desire. I will summon it for you to land on at the bottom of the cliff.” The men are a little uncertain.

The first one peers over the edge of the cliff and f...

My Mum told me to scrub the floor the other day.

I refused, it was beneath me.

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

I would never work in a coalmine.

It's beneath me.

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).

After having studied for...

A Jewish Man from the Shtetl is trying to get some sleep

while some brisk elders are playing backgammon right beneath his bedroom window.

Lying in bed and anxiously eying the ceiling,
he ponders about how he might just find some of that replenishing sleep.

He goes to his window and desperately looks into the crowds. Then he‘s got the bri...

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Two explorers are taken prisoner by cannibals.

The cannibals take the explorers to their village where they are immediately thrown into a big pot of water. A fire is lit beneath them, and immediately the water gets warm. One of the explorers starts laughing hysterically, to which the other explorer exclaims, "What the hell is so funny? We're a...

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

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A Morning Poem

I woke early one morning, The earth lay cool and still. When Suddenly a tiny bird perched upon my window sill, He sang a song so lovely, so carefree and so gay, that slowly all my troubles began to slip away. He sang of far off places, of laughter and of fun, it seemed this very trilling, bro...

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Three Women Die And Go To Heaven

Welcome to Heaven," Saint Peter greets them at the gate. "We only have one rule here, and that is, under no circumstances, can you step on any of our holy flowers. If you do, you will be punished for all eternity."

The women are confused, but walk through the pearly gates and find that heaven...

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A grandad was getting his hair cut....

His young grand daughter was sitting on the floor beneath him eating a muffin.

"Watch out" said the grandad "You are going to get hair on your muffin"

"Not only that" said the grand daughter "I'm going to get too!"

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Why did the police chief hate going into the basement?

Because it was beneath his station.

:P

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

Indian police.

[Please excuse my bad english, I'm still an amateur]

An american man with a briefcase full of illegal drugs was walking through an busy crowd somewhere in Mumbai.

"Sweet! Imma sell this for thousands of dollars"

As he made his way through the crowd, he heard someone screaming, h...

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