Abandoned Jokes - 59 Hilarious Abandoned Jokes

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An abandoned gas station.

A man is driving down a loan highway when he realizes he has to take a dump badly. He sees a gas station and pulls over. It doesn’t take him long to realize it’s abandoned. The gas pumps and building itself are derelict, but the bathrooms are still open for use.

He walks in and instantly tak...

A friend of mine recently fell into an abandoned mine shaft.

Don't worry, he only suffered miner injuries.

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My donkey fell down an abandoned well...

Long stoty short: I have to take care of an asshole now.

How is a photon like an abandoned church?

They have no mass

What did the Reddit user say after setting off a bomb in an abandoned pirate ship?

Edit: Wow this blew up! Thanks for the gold!

A guard abandoned his post due to overwhelming fear

He was called by his supervisor.

"Stand your ground, guard damn it!"

Finally told my stepdaughter that I'm not her real dad and that her real dad abandoned her

Naturally, she was a little sad about the news, but I wanted to cheer her up, so I told her "One man's trash in another man's treasure".

It's high time the U.S. government abandoned the penny...

It just doesn't make cents, for it's obsolescent.

A boogie board was abandoned in a man-made lake.

Days or maybe even weeks go by without it interacting with anyone or anything.

It drifts mindlessly around, because no one is there to direct it. It starts to day dream about a time where it wasn't alone in a glorified pond.

A few more weeks go by of this boring life, when it suddenly ...

A woman had a 100 children.

She didn't have the creativity to give them unique names so she named each of them a number from 1-100. The first child was named 'One', second was named 'Two' and so on.

But in a tragic accident 99 children died. Only the one named Ninety survived. Ninety eventually grew up and lived a whole...

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise

The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man’s work, saying, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”
A few months later, th...

Abandoned slogan: “Become an organ donor...”

“...What have you got to lose?”

Three friends are exploring an abandoned theme park when they come across a mysterious water slide.

At the top of the slide is a sign that reads ‘As you descend, shout out your wish and it shall be granted’.

The first friend goes down the slide and shouts ‘I WANT LOADS OF GOLD!’, and sure enough at the bottom he lands in a huge pool of gold coins.

The second friend, seeing this, goe...

I just drove by an abandoned Dairy Queen.

I guess you could say it was *dessert*ed

what did the plank of wood say as it lay abandoned and immobile in a field for 50 years?

I'm board.

I visited an old, abandoned fairground yesterday...

My whole family advised me not to.

"Don't go near the rollercoaster", said my mum.

"Why?" I asked.

"Remember... the story of how it is haunted by Runaway Tom... a ghost that is said to tie his victims to the track and have the rollercoaster run over them."

"Don't ...

A white guy, a black guy, and a Chinese guy go to work at a coal mine.

When they arrive the manager assigns each of them a task. The white guy, Frank, is in charge of digging. The black guy, Jamaal, is in charge of transportation. The Chinese guy, Wong, is in charge of supplies.

They get to work and everything is going smoothly. Frank is digging up the coal at...

Heavy Metal Icon Rob Halford abandoned fame to live as a monk in a Tibetan monastery...

Buddhist Priest.

Two nuns are in front of an abandoned coalmine.

(its better in dutch but it translates)

Two nuns are walking in front of an old (abandoned) coal mine.
One nun says to the other nun: mine's smelly today.
Says the other nun: mine too.

So there was an abandoned church...

and few nuns get sent over to clean it up a bit and restore its former glory. As they were painting the ceiling, one of them says, "Sisters, it is VERY hot in here, and we're working so feverishly, and i really don't want to get any paint on our robes. What say you, we just strip down, and finish th...

What did the sign say on the abandoned nuclear reactor?

Gone fission

I'm not sure how I feel about abandoned babies.

To be honest, I can take them or leave them.

Three men are driving in a car when it breaks down on an abandoned road

A Hindu man, a Jewish man, and a Polish man. After walking for a few miles, they come across a farm with a barn. Desperately seeking a place to sleep for the night, they knock on the door and ask the farmer if they can sleep in the barn.

The farmer says it's OK as long as they don't disturb h...

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment

They are wanted for dessertion

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3 man crash with a plane on an abandoned island:

an American, a Japanese and an English man are the only survivors. The American immediately takes charge and gives everyone a task in order for them to survive. You English man, go into the woods and gather tree branches so we can make a fire. I will go make a spear and hunt animals for food and the...

What kind of spirits haunt an abandoned Benjamin Moore or Sherwin Williams?

Mineral spirits

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2 aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station

They approached one of
the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace.
Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The alien repeated the greeting. There was no
response.

The alien, annoyed b...

Three teenage boys are walking in the woods and they come across an abandoned well.

They walk up to it and peer down into the darkness. The boys start wondering out loud how deep it is and one quickly grabs a pebble to test it out. He drops it into the well and they listen...but there's nothing.

So the second boy grabs a rock, one about the size of a baseball and drops it ...

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What's the difference between a lobster with big breasts and an abandoned bus terminal that's fallen into disrepair?

Ones a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down an abandoned road... (somewhat offensive)

and they come across a little boy in the unconscious in the ditch. After thinking for a moment, the Priest says "let's screw him" to which the Rabbi replies "out of what?"

Two mice were eating film rolls in an abandoned cinema. "Do you like it?" asks one of them.

"It's good, but the book was better", replies the other one.

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A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.

...

There used to be a school for assassins in New York

It was actually the place where John Wick was trained.

The school would take in orphans and abandoned children and train them, from a young age, to be merciless killers.

As one might imagine, it was a very harsh environment for anyone to grow up, in fact the only real love and affectio...

Don’t expect me to respond to any comments regarding this joke…

…I have abandoned my post.

Two young Russian conscripts in Ukraine approach a platoon of Ukranian fighters to surrender.

They approach with their hands in the air, and their weapons holstered.

"We come to surrender. Our truck is out of fuel and broken down. The rest of our troops are miles away, and none of the gas trucks or repair technicians will be available for days. We are stranded."

The Ukrainian f...

Steve owns a flower stand.

He’s got all kinds of flowers - daisies, petunias, roses, and even wildflowers like firewheels and bluebonnets. He has the most expansive collection of flowers in the city, all of the highest quality, and business is booming.

However, one day, a group of priests moved in across the street and...

An Engineer Decides He Wants To Make Some Easy Money.

He thinks to himself, and he decides he's going to set up a medical center in an abandoned corner store. After all, he's an intelligent man, how hard could it be? He puts a large sign on the front, promising to cure any illness for a five hundred dollars, and if he can't, the patient gets 1000 dolla...

A Canadian couple takes their pet polar bear to Antarctica

Years ago, a couple in Canada found an abandoned polar bear cub and decided to adopt and raise it themselves. By the time the bear was grown up, it had become very tame, very friendly, and rather jovial.

Life with a pet polar bear turned out to be pretty fun, but one problem was that takin...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist.

A mathematician, a biologist and a physicist are sitting on a Starbucks patio across from an abandoned building when a car pulls up, and two people get out and enter the building.

A few minutes go by, three people exit the building, get into the car and drive off.

"Hmm," says the physi...

This Halloween was the scariest one on record.

All the kids went as ghosts. And all houses were abandoned.

A blonde, redhead, and brunette are all on the run from the cops...

They find an abandoned potato factory and each hide in a huge brown sack. The cops arrive and kick the first sack. The redhead yells, "Woof! Woof"! to imitate a dog. The captain says, "Leave it be! We don't need some dog out here biting our ankles". A cop kicks the second sack, and the brunette says...

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill

A physicist, a biologist, and a mathematician are relaxing on a hill overlooking an abandoned house. They watch two people enter the house through a broken window. Time passes. Later they observe three people leave the house.

The physicist says, "Our measurements weren't accurate."

The...

A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of h...

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What do you call it when...

What do you call it when two people are arguing walking down the street?

A cross walk.

What do you call it when people get frustrated and start talking over each other?

Cross talk.

What do you call a rooster abandoned by a farmer?

A tossed cock.

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Lottery

A guy loses his job and has no other income to support his family. As he walks he starts praying to God asking him : please my God let me win the lottery I just lost my job I can't support my family.

A week later his wife leaves him and take his children with her. He starts praying again. Oh ...

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

The Flood

It rains heavily for several days and flood waters start to rise. People are being evacuated as the water covers the ground completely.

The village priest is forced onto the roof of his house to escape drowning. He is sitting calmly and patiently in his soaking wet clothes when a lifeboat com...

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Cold hands

A young man picks up his girlfriend on a very cold winter day in his fathers sleigh. They go for a ride on a trail though the forest.

After they travel a few miles, the boy abruptly stops the horse and says, "my hands are so cold."

The girl says "put them between my legs and I'll wa...

I was trying to come up with a joke about social security

I abandoned the idea because you probably won't get it

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are running from the cops...

They duck into an abandoned warehouse, each find a an empty sack, and climb into it.

Cops follow and poke the bag with the brunette. The brunette goes “woof!” The policeman says, “Oh, it’s just a bag of dogs,” and walks on.

They poke the bag with the redhead. The redhead goes “meow!”...

3 turtles named Joe, Jeff, and Jimmy decide to go on a picnic

They pack, chips, sandwiches, and soda, and start to walk to their picnic area. The spot is 5 miles away, and it takes the turtles 10 full days to get there. Once they get there, they realize that they had left the bottle opener, and thus could not open the sodas. They nominate Jimmy to walk back an...

Houdini has just finished a magic show and walks backstage, only to be grabbed roughly, knocked out, and tied up.

When he wakes up, he's in an abandoned warehouse, and a man in a ski mask is standing over him, a sheep by his side. The sheep is using its teeth to tie him up with a very strong rope, which confuses him. Houdini smiles, remembering that he can get out of any knot known to man. He tries to untie the...

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two homeless blondes

Two homeless blondes start to live in abandoned railway carriages. They tell each other how it feels like.
The fist one says: "I don't like the 'no smoking' sign, I have to smoke outside even when it's winter."
The second one says: "I don't like the 'use the toilet only when the train is m...

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A lion is walking through the Serengeti

Its the dry season so he’s ecstatic to find a mud puddle. He bends down for a cool sip, and as his tail goes up, a gorilla barges out of the bush and gives him the old Liberace. The lion rears back in surprise and anger.

Realizing his mistake, the gorilla runs off through the bush with the l...

A chicken farmer and his son went out to gather eggs one morning

They went in the hen house but couldn't find a single egg. As they left the hen house they saw several sets of footprints leading away from the roost.

Following them up and over a hill they found an abandoned campsite with a still smoldering fire.

Next to the fire was an old pot and a ...

Why do so many redditors claim to be someone they're not when their entire post history is so easily accessible?

As a trans mtf ex-cop who also lost my arm in Afghanistan and whose husband just left me for some woman who is dying of cancer, I find it incredibly insulting. I've been through so much to make where I am right now. (I was abandoned as an infant in Russia in 1962. I grew up on the streets and when I...

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