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Metro Jokes

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

What's the file extension of the Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer intro?

.rar

What do you call a dwarf who regularly rides the Paris Metro?

A Metrognome.

Police have arrested a gang of Corn Flakes that they alledge committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area. A Police spokesman described them as...

....cereal offenders.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings.

He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the Metro Centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK ...

What do the Washington Metro system and the Little Mermaid have in common?

They're both under DC.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, there was this accordion player who just finished his 4th bar mitzvah of the week. He tossed his accordion in the back of his '92 Geo Metro hatchback and took off for home.

As he drove, he rolled the windows down (with a manual handcrank) because his air conditioning was broken.

He tried to play his favorite cassette tape, Polka Floyd, but the music screetched to a halt as the tape from the cassette got hopelessly tangled in the tape deck.

More than a li...

An accordion player is getting sleepy at the wheel of his '93 Geo Metro hatchback, on his way home from playing at a bar mitzvah. His accordion lays on the passenger seat next to him...

... The accordion player decides to pull over at a small pub with a sign reading "$1 Beer Night." He takes some change out of his car's cup holder -- enough for a couple $1 beers.

Inside, he stacks his change on the bar (mostly nickels and pennies) and pretends not to notice the bartender's e...

I use BMW to go to work

Bus

Metro

Walk

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

What mythical creature keeps time for trains at the station?

A metro-gnome

What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying "tick tick tick"?

A metro-gnome

What do you call a Gnome who lives in urban environments?

A Metro Gnome

What do you call a very short, inner-city man who accurately keeps time?

a metro-gnome

The little man in the hat. (OC)

There was the short man, about 2-3 ft tall, who had a tall pointy red hat and a big white beard. He would walk around subways and metros and find those people who sit on the ground play music for money.

This man would go up to them and start to stomp and clap a beat for them. Most of the tim...

A terrorist had two cases at home...

he stuffed one of them with explosives and headed to the metro. Once inside a wagon he waited until the doors were closed and shouted "Infidels!! now you will die!". Fortunately, that was not the case.

I met an urban dwarf who keeps perfect time.

He’s a metronome.

What do you call a fashionable subway system

Metro

What do you call a well dressed dwarf that keeps perfect time?

A Metro Gnome

How does Samus take the bus?

With her Metro-ID.

What do you call a well dressed lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythm?

A metro-gnome

A pianist performing in a subway terminal...

was playing beautifully. I was only offput by the weird looking kid with a dunce cap sitting atop the piano.

Suddenly, the weird looking kid with the dunce cap jumped up and scurried off. The piano player abruptly stopped playing.

I asked him, "why did you stop playing?"

To wh...

The phone rings...

...and the lady of the house answers.

"Hello."

"May I speak with Mrs. Smith please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Smith, this is Doctor Kent at Metro Labs.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, we also received a biopsy from another Mr. Smith as w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Its a story before lockdown

As Englisis my second language it all happened in Urdu my first language hope my translation makes sense

Me and my fat fried was traveling on a metro and I was listening to a song and I was deep in my imagination my eyes were open but I was not looking if that makes any sense

And aft...

A guy walks into a car part store...

He says to the man behind the counter, "I need a gas cap for a Geo Metro."

The guy behind the counter thinks for a second and then says, "I think that's a fair trade."

What do you call a metronome that recently broke?

Tempo-rary.

Kid vs Barber

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer. ‘This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.’ The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, ‘Which do you want, son?’ The boy takes the quarter...

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