The 84+ Best Supreme Jokes

Six Supreme Court justices, floating face-down in a river

All 6 conservative members of the SCOTUS got stranded in the woods with only a giant suitcase and a couple of paddles. Then they came to a raging river- it was fast-moving, wide and rocky but only waist deep. They began to bicker over how to get across. Kavanaugh, Thomas, and Gorsuch said "We are st...

The US Supreme Court has changed dramatically since Justice Ginsberg passed away.

It has become Ruth less.

The Supreme Court has been making some rash decisions lately…

One could almost say they’ve been acting Ruth-lessly.

Did you hear the Supreme Court just struck down a law declaring ketchup to be the best condiment?

They say it doesn’t pass mustard.

Brett Kavanaugh has stated that he will not be pressured into withdrawing his Supreme Court bid by the allegations made against him.

He sounds like the kind of guy who just won't take 'no' for an answer.

Why can't you go see the US Supreme Court?

It's already sold out

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Ever since Bader Ginsburg died…

… The American Supreme Court has been Ruthless.

Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler

Now that the US Supreme Court has crippled the EPA's ability to fight climate change, I'm going to buy myself some beachfront property ...

... in Utah.

What's the only drink size they allow in North Korea?

A supreme liter

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

Joke about it all you want, but Rudy Giuliani is prepared to fight election fraud all the way up to the Supreme ...

... Courtyard by Marriott

A District Court judge, a Circuit Court judge, and a Supreme Court justice are sitting at a bar

The District Court judge says, "I interpret the Constitution the way I read it."

The Circuit Court judge says, "I interpret the Constitution the way it's written."

The Supreme Court justice says, "The Constitution isn't anything, until I interpret it."

(original joke was three u...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

(MARVEL Dad Joke) What do you call it when the Sorcerer Supreme falls down the stairs?

Wong, on so many levels.

Is it just me, or is the US Supreme Court getting increasingly brutal?

Ruthless, even.

Breaking News: Supreme court has ruled that basic intelligence tests for Election voting is Discriminatory.

The judge said that it is unfair to block all Republicans from voting.

Picking a Supreme Court Justice is a lot like crossing a river...

It all comes down to Roe v Wade

What was the Supreme Court ruling on constipation?

It’s unconstitutional.

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I dreamt I was forced to work on a pirate ship. The captain was the supreme authority and only allowed males. Plus the only food allowed was potatoes.

It was a dick tater ship.

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The Supreme Court ruled there cannot be a Nativity Scene on Capitol Hill.

This isn't for any religious reason. They just haven’t been able to find Three Wise Men in DC. A search for a virgin was also fruitless. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Another good thing to come out of the Supreme Court forcing Trump to disclose his taxes

We're gonna finally learn if having teenage hookers pee on your face is claimed as entertainment expense or medical.

US Supreme Court Justice Ginsburg died.

Clearly now people will see the court as completely Ruth-less.

How conservative will Amy Coney Barrett's decisions be as a Supreme Court Justice?

I don't know, ask her husband.

I recently bought a Supreme Leader Snoke toy at the store.

The price was definitely worth it since it was half off.

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old mate, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being, anything you want after all you're the boss...

But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I do not want just a couple of decks, I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big ...

Did you hear about that decision the Supreme Court handed down without Justice Ginsburg?

It was ruthless.

I like to imagine supreme court is just like regular court...

but with tomatoes and sour cream.

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What do you call a homosexual supreme ruler with neither conservative nor liberal views?

Mod Czar Gay

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Inigo Montoya finally catches up with the six-fingered man in a monastry in Tibet. He finds him red-robed and shaven-headed sweeping the temple courtyard.

"Hello, my name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die." he says, drawing the six-fingered sword

The six-fingered man sighs and lowers his arms "I am prepared, my son. I have been freed from Earthly desires and acheived inner peace. I wish for nothing more than to move on to m...

Donald Trump better not remove Justice Ginsberg from the supreme court.

that would be ruthless

Eight of the Supreme Court justices, except for Ginsburg, went out on a killing spree, executing everyone they came across.....

... they were Ruthless

Imagine a world where ducks reign supreme, one of the jobs is that some of the ducks have to pay water to the towns. What is the job called?

An aquaduck(t).

The Supreme Court may decide a case to allow women to legally go topless in public to be equal to men

So far, over 3 million amicus briefs in favor of the plaintiff have been offered.

Did you hear about the supremely proper way the Englishman greeted the master fisherman from Jaws?

It was ‘ello, Quint!

Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".

Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.

P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.

TIL Supreme Court judge kidnapped by cannibals in the Caribbean!

Justice was served.

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Did you hear about the supreme court justice who was caught stealing the scraps from restaurant booths?

Police identified her as Booth Raider Ginsburg.

Who is the Supreme leader of House Techno Music?

Kim Jong Untz-untz-untz-untz

Speechmaking

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks &...

Rumor has it there's a basketball court on the roof of the Supreme Court building.

It's the highest court in the land.

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.

"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

What Supreme Court decision applies to fishermen bringing a small boat to shore?

Row v. Wade

Kylo Ren and Supreme Leader Snoke go to a restaurant. Why did Snoke get his meal before Kylo Ren?

Because he made the First Order!

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Supreme Court.

The US Supreme Court was just chilling out backstage when suddenly Justice Roberts is like "oh guys my favourite blow job is when she cups my balls with both hands" .

Justice Scalia is like "John, you crazy, it's really important that one hand is on the shaft".

"Shut it Antonin you d...

A man called Andrew moved from Cork to Dublin to open a flower shop.

He was quite successful and through great marketing, quality product, and reasonable prices, Andrew's Flowers became the top garden shop in all Dublin. Some monks that had a stall set up nearby took notice and, since attendance at the local parish (and the accompanying tithing revenue) was way down,...

yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history,

needless to say, it was run-on.

The Lawyer

Satan appears before a lawyer and says, "I will make a deal with you. You will become the most successful attorney who has ever lived. You will be rich beyond imagination, and known to everyone on the planet. You will be appointed to the Supreme Court, and your rulings will be read and studied for d...

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What's the difference in the KKK and the Supreme Court?

The KKK dresses in white and scares the hell out of black people,
the Supreme Court dresses in black and scares the hell out of white people.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

In the Supreme Court of Composition...

"Your honor, this man has - with malice aforethought - clearly, wantonly, and remorselessly copied my newest song's Time Signature.

You might call this a clear-cut-case of Four-Forgery."

Wrong number

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.
...

I got thrown off of a TV commercial set a few years ago.

We were filming an ad for Taco Bell. The director didn't like being corrected. He kept saying "That's a wrap" when clearly it was a Taco Supreme.

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Adam and Eve...

Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'
And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflecti...

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The dark presence of the knight in black armor terrified the patrons of the inn. And he was sulking at the bar, clearly worried as he down the pint of ale.

He towered over the others who were also in the inn's bar, his armor covered in jagged spikes that were as lethal as the man-sized swords that hung from his back. His eyes glowed blood-red and a sickening black miasma poured through the small cracks in the plate armor. He even had a large pair of ho...

The US ambassador was meeting the North Korea ambassador.

During the meeting, wanting to impress the Korean, the American ambassador started boasting.

"Last week, I was in London. I met the Olympic 1000 metres gold medallist.

The previous week, I was in Brussels. I met the world's leading mathematician.

The week before, I was in Paris....

What is Doctor Strange’s favorite pizza?

Sorcerer’s Supreme

It’s cheesy, I know.

I started a new exercise routine this week

I do 100 crunches in the morning and again in the evening

My favourites are Doritos cheese supreme and Lays original

If “pro” is the opposite of “con”…

Then by that logic, the opposite of progress is ~~Congress~~ the Supreme Court.

An American and a Soviet Russian were discussing the benefits of each country.

The American says "I like America because if I don't like the way things are going, I can walk into the White House, go up to the president's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running this country'
The Russian says "It's the same in the USSR! If I don't like the way thin...

Politics in terms of cows

SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The state takes a high portion of the milk they produce to be redistributed.

COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The State takes both of them and you have to get into a bread line for food instead.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The State will kill you ...

Probably done before: What's a pirate's LEAST favourite letter?

Dear Mr Redbeard,

It has come to our attention that you have been illegally duplicating and reselling copywrited movies without permission.

As such, and utilising the full jurisdiction of the Federal Communications Authority, you are subpoenaed to appear before the Federal Supreme Cour...

A flat Earther goes to heaven.

A flat Earther dies while trying to fly in a homemade rocket and goes to heaven. There he meets up with God and says, "Oh Supreme Lord!! Tell me with utmost honesty. Is Earth round or flat ? "

God replies, "It is round, my dear child."

The flat earther thinks, " Wow ! This whole thing ...

What size soda does Kim Jong-Un buy at 7-11?

A supreme liter.

An American student was studying Russian government

An American student was studying Russian government.

Hoping to understand another country’s government in familiar terms, he asked his teacher, “Is the Kremlin more like the White House, the Capitol, the Pentagon, or the Supreme Court?”

The teacher replied, “Yes.”

The first female president is being sworn in.

Her Jewish mother is sitting in the second row next to a Supreme Court Justice, watching. The judge leans over and says, "Madam, you must be VERY proud."

The mother says, "Well, you see that girl with her hand on the Bible? Her brother's a doctor."

Library of Congress bomber…

Yesterday’s attempted bomber said there are 4 more bombs planted in DC. After botching bombing Congress by showing up at the Library of Congress, the FBI has ordered the immediate evacuation of :

-the Richmond Mall’s Supreme Food Court

-The Hexagon Building on Connecticut Ave

-...

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If Mexico sends their rapists to the United States, where does the United States send theirs?

To the Supreme Court.

Why is the North Korean National library so big?

Because Kim Jong-Un is a supreme reader!

Breaking news: Conspiracy against trump confirmed.

In a recent study of ballots it has become apparent that there was in fact a Conspiracy during the election.

Turns out it was way worse than the Republicans first thought though, it is now believed that a massive conspiracy involving some 81 million American adults conspired together against ...

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A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

A North Korean man was arrested and given 15 years for calling Kim Jong Un a fathead

1 year for insulting the Supreme Leader and 14 for revealing a state secret

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At the beginning of class, the teacher introduced: "Children, today we welcome our new friend from Japan, his name is Suzuki Shakira."

Let start our lesson today by a few quizzes about American history !

\- Who said "Give me liberty or give me death." ?

The whole class was silent, only Suzuki raised his hand:

\- Patrick Henry, Philadelphia,1775.

\- Excellent ! Next one, who said "...government of the peo...

President's Aide: "Mr. Trump, the dry cleaners called and wanted to let you know...

You left two supreme court justices in your pocket when you dropped your suit off."

Where did the pizza and tennis racquet get married?

At the supreme court

Where do pints go to settle their legal troubles?

The Supreme Quart

What's the difference between jam and jelly?

Senate Republicans can't jelly Judge Barrett onto the Supreme Court.

A girl asks her father “daddy, how did I get my name?”

He explains “you see sweetie, when your mother got pregnant with your older brother, we decided that your mother would name the first born after whatever she loved the most, and I would name our second born after whatever I loved the most. So that’s why your big brother is named Steven jr. and you a...

A philosopher asks a question to his student: "Who is smarter, the common cat or the loyal dog?"

The students looks confused and responds with another question: "Can you give me context, teacher?"
The wise philosopher nodded. "There once was an owner with a cat and a dog. He died. Because there was no more food given by the owner, the cat and the dog were left hungry and alone. The cat, havi...

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A group of eels are chilling in the river...

When a full tuxedo comes drifting downstream.

Danny, the leader of the bunch, turns to his three pals.

"Holy shit guys, now's our chance!"

"Yeah!" says Tommy, "Let's get drunk!"

So Tommy threads himself through the pants of the tux in a U shape, forming a nice looking pai...

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Introducing: The Karen Infection Collection toy line!

*Wheeze with laughter through your ventilator as you watch your children make short-term memories with... The Karen Infection Collection!*

*They'll love spending their last days playing with their new favorite toys, like Protestor Pete - who comes with accessories like a vial of crocodile tea...

Due to social distancing, everyone is asking Kim Jung Un how far six feet is Exactly!

Because he is the supreme ruler.

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