UPJOKE
lonesingleexclusivesolitaryinsolefootwearfootlonesomeonlylegitimateindependentviableoldestultimatelatter

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Sole man on an isolated island

There is an isolated island, with a sole man there.
The man doesn't know about the existence of the rest of the world, he haven't met any other people and is disconnected from the rest of humanity.

A big news company hears about it, and decides to send a news reporter to make an item about...

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I knew a scientist who successfully cloned themselves for the sole purpose of having a sexual partner.

We were friends up to that point. I told him, "You do you."

My wife left me for a bird, and still got sole custody of the kids

Judge said it wouldn't be right to make them leave the nest so soon

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

What happened after a tornado hit the shoe store?

After weeks of Sole Searching it finally reopened.

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

Men who are liked by girls, solely because of their bank balance...

....should be called Cashanovas

Three Guys Are Waiting in Line at The Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter calls the first guy up. He looks over the man's life history and says, "It looks here, like you lived a decent life. You never cheated on your wife... but you thought about it. A lot. Seems you probably would have, if given the chance. You can go on in, and here are the keys to your...

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Having a great round of golf

A man was at the country club playing his weekly round of golf. He began with an eagle and followed it with a birdie on the second hole.


On the third hole, he scored his first-ever hole-in-one, and just as he began celebrating his cell phone rang…
It was a doctor in the local ER noti...

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Guy is the sole survivor of a shipwreck, and washes up on a desert island.

The only thing to eat are coconuts, from a single coconut tree on the other side of the island. However, there's a dog guarding the tree, and every time the guy climbs the tree to get a one, the dog bites him on the ass.

For ten months, the guy has to deal with the dog, whenever he wants to ...

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

What’s the difference between a shoe and a ghost?

One has a sole!

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*Nsfw* The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

Finally found my sole mate

bought a girlfriend for my flounder

Napoleon may not have been the sole designer of his jacket...

but, I believe he had a hand in it.

Juliane Koepcke was the sole survivor, when her plane crashed in the amazon

Guess they should have made the whole plane out of her

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It's too bad Coronavirus isn't solely transmitted sexually

Most of Reddit would be immune

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My wife says if we get 1000 upvotes we can have sex in the missionary position for the sole purpose of procreation

2000 and she'll let me do it with the lights on

I'm so sick of all the right vs left BS! it's all 'the left are so evil all they do is ..' or 'the right is so evil all they care about is ..'

First off, it's divisive and bringing out the worst in people. Completely ruining the country. Secondly, who the hell really judges people based solely on which Twix they prefer?!

The Court has decided Elon Musk will be Granted Sole Custody of Child X Æ A-12 After Divorce from Wife Grimes

Since he filed for and was awarded the patent back in March of 2019

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

"sole"-destroying shoe

"I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

I can't stand to see both soles of my feet.

I just can't.

There's a name for people who judge others solely on how they look

Opticians!

What do you call a country, comprised solely of female deer, giving money to charity?

A doe nation donation.

An Irishman goes to buy some wellies

The assistant hands him a pair and he tries one on.
Noticing that he's having difficulty, she gently says:
"Sir, if you look under the soles, you'll see L and R, for Left and Right"
The ponders this for a moment and then blurts out:
"To be sure, beghora, that'll be why me wife's knickers...

McDonalds is test marketing a NEW beef patty made solely from the lips of Cows...

The McJagger

Which two fish you need to make a shoe?

Sole and eel.

Smugglers have began hiding drugs in the soles of their shoes. You shouldn't trust them

They're probably laced

I knew a chemist who survived solely on oxygen and potassium.

When I asked him what he felt like, he said OK.

Sole Survivor

A rescue team arrives at the site of a crashed airplane to find only a single survivor. The rather haggard-looking man is found while chewing on a bone, with a rather large pile of human bones next to him. The rescuers are shocked.

"You can't judge me for this," the man says defensively. "I ...

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My sole task as an elevator boy is pushing buttons.

It’s just depressing.

What did the Grim Reaper say when he walked into a shoe shop?

I've come for your soles!

Did you hear about the fire in the shoe factory?

10,000 soles were lost. The police said some heels started it.

What do you call a guy that overeats for the sole purpose of getting stomachaches?

A glutton for punishment.

Honest Judge

Taking his seat in his chambers, the smart, *HONEST* Judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So", the Judge said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers became uncomfortable.

"You, attorney David, gave me $50000 and you, attorney Goliath, gave me $6000...

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Adolph Hitler had a stamp on his desk

It was solely used to RSVP for meetings. The picture resembled a dolphin breaching water. Historians now believe the message was to mean Adolph in.

First game using solely IPv6 for multiplayer

Half-Life 3

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they'd probably do nothing to help.

Today I stand corrected.

I believe god created the earth solely to amuse himself.

I am a Recreationist.

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

I went to Bill Hayleys fish shop last night

They do Hake, Haddock and Sole

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I'm surprised there isn't more religious panic about foot fetishists.

After all, they are cumming for our soles.

Why don't foot fetishists like redheads?

Because they don't have soles.





^(My bf told me to put this here.)

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

Did you hear about the foot that got ran over?

God rest his sole

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A horse walks into a bar...

"Why the long face?" asks the bartender...
The horse replies, "I can no longer make ends meet based solely on the royalties from Sex in the City."

The Seagull and The Octopus

There once was a seagull with sore feet. He had been perching on a seaside railing all day and was starting to get blisters. He had tried going swimming, but the salt water seemed to irritate them and make them worse. He had tried flying, but he soon got so tired that he had to stop. He was in agony...

I just quit my job working in a shoe factory

It was sole destroying

Beware of Lil Nas X's Satan Shoes.

The devil might steal your sole.

The guy who invented the alarm clock is my idol.

He’s the sole reason I wake up every day.

I seriously hope this hasn’t been done before.

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I saw five cockroaches marching across my basement floor today

I grabbed my shoe and started hitting them with the sole. I killed four, but one escaped and hid.

It was the sole survivor.

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Christmas must be the most horny time of the year.

I mean, what other holiday has a decorative piece that’s sole purpose is to bust nuts?

A girl won't date me because she'd be taller than me when she wears heels

It's her sole reason.

I just got the worst cramp i've ever had in my foot.

It hurt so damn bad i felt it in my sole

Google knows!

Subject: Today's Reality


CALLER: Is this Gordon's Pizza?


GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.


CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.


GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.


CALLER: OK. I would like to order a ...

Sam Adams decides to pay Thomas Paine a visit ...

He knocks, and Tom comes to answer the door. Sam says, "I notice that you use the New York Times instead of a doormat. "Yes," says Tom. "These are the Times that dry mens' soles."

Thanos should’ve thrown his shoe off the cliff on Vormir

A sole for a soul

What did they say about the couple who had the same shoe size?

They were sole mates

I've been feeling down, so I bought some new socks

Cause you know what they say:

A hat warms the head

A coat warms the body

But socks warm the sole.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman argued about Adam's nationality.

The Frenchman said, "Of course Adam was French. Look how passionately he made love to Eve!"

The Englishman said, "Of course Adam was British. Look how he gave his only apple to the lady, like a real gentleman."...

What do you call a red-head playing the piano by themselves in worn out shoes?

A soulless sole-less soloist.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

Last night a thief broke into the shoe factory. (Original, I think)

Police have identified a sole perpetrator.

The shoe factory burned down today. Sadly, there were no survivors.

Rest In Peace all those poor soles.

Why did the heavy boots go to Heaven?

Because they had good soles.

A cod leaned into a sardine at a bar.

"I've got something to tell you, but you can't tell a sole."

I was once in a group project with a girl who did nothing but send feet pics

That was her sole contribution

I once dated a co-worker at a shoe store.

It didn't end up working out. Guess we weren't sole-mates after all.

The ending is massive.

A shoe factory specializing in intelligent shoes contacted me, and asked me whether I wanted to try their new smart shoes.

It was free of charge, so I accepted the offer.

First, I asked the shoes to take me to the best burger place in town. And indeed, the shoes walked me right into th...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman...

An Englishman, Scotsman, and Irishman are trekking through the jungle together. They’re hacking down trees, killing leopards, and generally doing manly things.

All of a sudden, they are confronted by a group of natives, who grab the trio and drag them to their little village and tie them to s...

What's it called when you marry a shoemaker?

Marrying your sole-mate

Whenever I get a sock from the laundry without the other sock, I keep this sock in the hopes of finding the partner in the future.

I call these socks lost soles.

Dear Reddit, I met this girl in a shoe store.

I think we might be sole mates.

My cousin's shoe store burned down yesterday

There were so many lost soles.

My local coastline has been so overfished that during 30 minutes of snorkeling I saw only a single fish.

It was the sole survivor.

What happens when a shoe dies?

It's sole goes to heaven

You know what's easy to make? Shoe jokes.

Too bad they have no sole. They just seem to cobbled together. I'd like to boot anyone making shoe jokes from my life.


I assume you guys didn't get a kick out of that string of jokes, so I'll just sneak away.

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Did I ever tell you about my friend who bought experimental AI shoes?

He always stayed out late drinking and partying and most mornings he woke up god knows where, no wallet or phone, completely lost and stranded.

One day he met a man at a bar, they got talking and the man told him about these new shoes his company was developing; no matter how out of it you we...

A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the ...

Why did the Satanic cults’ feet hurt?

They sold their soles to the devil.

At a testimonial dinner in his honor

A wealthy businessman gave an emotional speech. "When I came to this city fifty years ago," he said, "I had no car, my only suit was on my back, the soles of my shoes were thin, and I carried all my possessions in a paper bag." After dinner, a young man nervously approached. "Sir, I really admire al...

What is someone with a foot fetish's favourite genre of music?

Sole

Due to the recent relaxation of laws in Saudi Arabia,

a new chain of fast food restaurants are opening up which are run solely by women.

It's called Burka King.

I just don’t know how shoe companies stay in business

Although, it probably helps being the sole supplier

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