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Tugging Jokes

My Daughter woke me up.

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.
"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve.
"Guess how old I'm going to be next month.
"I don't know," I said as I slipped on my
glasses. "How old?"
She smiled and held up four fingers.
It is 7:30 now. My wife and I have been up wit...

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A human couple meets an alien couple

So naturally, they decide it would be fun to swap partners. The alien woman goes off with the human man and the alien man goes off with the human woman. The alien man and human woman get undressed and he asks her, "Is it long enough?" She replies, "It could be a bit longer I suppose." So the alien m...

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow

A man awakes in his darkened bedroom to find his wife tugging at his elbow.

"Wha- ... what? What's wrong?" he says blearily. He can barely see her in the dimness.

"Honey ... if I were to die and you remarried ... would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks him anxiously.

He t...

A man walks into a bar with an octopus

He says “A hundred bucks says my octopus can play any instrument you give it!”

One man hands him an acoustic guitar. The octopus fiddles with the strings a bit, then strums out a rendition of Wonderwall.

A woman from the back hands the octopus a trumpet. The octopus fiddles with the va...

I sat on the edge of my bed, gently tugging off my boxers... ;)

My wife thinks I spoil those dogs.

A 50-year old woman is very pleased with her new facelift. (Long)

She goes to the bank and steps up to the counter. She asks the teller, "How old do you think I am?"

The teller looks her up and down and guesses 35.

"Nope, 50!" she says, and goes to Subway for lunch.

She asks the sandwich artist behind the counter, "How old do you think I am?"<...

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The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.

"Really..?" the photographer asked. "Well, good....

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The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

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Two men are having a shower at the gym...

...until they realize they forgot to bring along some soap. One of the men steps out to go and get two bars of soap for them to use.

On his way back, he ran into three blonde women passing by. Frozen by the embarrassment of him walking around naked, he made like a statue and stood still.
<...

So a rabbit is enjoying some earl grey in his garden when his friend arrives.

His friend says, "Please come back to us."

The rabbit, formerly Jewish, says, "No, sorry, I don't believe anymore."

His friend grabs him by one arm and tugs, saying, "Come with me, come on! You have to join us down at the synagogue! You used to lead us and we miss you!"

Almost d...

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

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A cop was walking around a children playground

He sees a kid playing in the sand, so he goes to him and asks:

-Hi there champ, what are you building?

-A cop

-Oh, that's really nice, and how are you going to do that?

-I will use some water, sand and shit

The cop gets angry and starts pulling and tugging his ears...

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Mr. & Mrs. Johnson live on a farm by themselves. One day, an Alien spaceship lands in front of their house.

As the Johnsons go to investigate, the ship’s doors open and two aliens that look similar to humans walk out. Speaking perfect English, the aliens make a proposition to the Johnsons to trade partners for the night to understand human sexual behavior. The Johnsons, curious of what the experience woul...

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Three horses walk into a bar..

One horse trots up to the barman, the other two grab a seat at a table. The horse at the bar orders three beers and grabs them with its hooves, then walks on two legs and joins the other seated horses.

First horse says: " Shit guys, last night at my race, it was some crazy shit. I was way ahe...

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A black and white guy are training at the gym.

After their training session they hit the changing room and undress.

The white guy can’t help but look at the black guys penis size and remarks, “How did you get it so big?”

He replies, “It’s a muscle so when I go home, I put on a warm bath, get inside and begin to stretch it by tuggi...

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Guy gets off a bus with a black eye...

His friend, who'd been waiting for him, says, "Jeezus, mate! What the hell happened to you?"

"Ah, it's nothin'. The lady who was sitting in front of me in the bus was wearin' a loose skirt, and when she stood up to get out, I noticed it was tucked in the crack of her ass, so without thinking...

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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar.

The barmaid comes to take their order and the Englishman says "w-w-w-what are you, you, y-ou two h-aving?". The Irishman says "B-Bushmills, m-m-mate" and the Scotsman says "M-M-Mackeson's, th-th-thanks," and the Englishman says to the barmaid, "A-a-a B-ushmills, a, a, a, M-Mackeson's and a, and an, ...

Russian Nursery Rhyme

The incy wincy conrade
Was tugging at his chain
About rights of workers
He complain

The secret police
Am get order to restrain
And the incy wincy comrade was never seen again

A man came to a tailor, and tried on a suit.

As he stood before the mirror, he noticed the vest was a little uneven at the bottom.

“Oh,” said the tailor, “don’t worry about that Just hold the shorter end down with your left hand and no one will ever notice.”

While the customer proceeded to do this, he noticed that the lapel of th...

The appointment.

Jack wakes up one morning next to Jill. He's feeling amorous and starts caressing her and tugging at her pyjama bottoms. She groans and says, "oh... not now, honey. You know I have a gynecologist appointment this morning...." Jack rolls over resignedly. After a few minutes he turns back toward her a...

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The bloke with turrets syndrome

This bloke with Tourette's Syndrome walks into the most exclusive restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, mother fucking manager, you cock sucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters.

The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from usi...

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