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Tu Jokes

Et tu brutus

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport.

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Br...

My daughter asked me, “What do ballerinas wear?”, and I did not remember.

I feel bad that I couldn’t put tu and tu together.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

I think I banged a Chinese celebrity

She kept screaming "I'm Wei Tu Yung" like I was supposed to know the name.

What's saltier than a tuNa?

A barNaCle

Father: Hey son what are you drinking?

Son: Soy-milk

Father: Hola milk, soy tu padre

"D-d-d..."

Dad - "Hey look! He's gonna say his first words!"

Son - "D-d-dad I'm 30 years old st-st-stop making fun of my stu-tu-tutter."

I've been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

Spanish joke... Un pez dijo al otro pez, "Qué hace tu padre?"

Nada

The inventor of the ballet skirt was struggling for a name for his invention.

Finally he put tu and tu together.

Q: How do you turn a regular salad into a ceaser salad ?

A: Just stab it 23 times

What did Julius Caesar say to the Roman senator, who had just broken his cipher?

\- Et tu, Bruteforce?

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

-What are you drinking, son?

-Soy milk.

-Hola milk, soy tu padre.

Edit : Removed the "es" that was bothering everyone

What did the Bihari shout at the Frenchman when he won a game of chess?

Tu-Lose Tu-Lose

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

What’s Shakespeare’s phone number?

Fie fie fie, et tu et tu.

I made that joke up when I was 14 at the Oregon Shakespeare Festival.

How do you say, "Not yet at the legal age of consent." in Chinese?

Tu Yung

Hardest person to sing happy birthday to...

Tu YouYou (Chinese Nobel laureate)

So I married way too young...

Oops, she spells it Wei Tu Yung

Do you know about the Chinese author who wrote a million page book?

It was Wei Tu Long.

Which flowers are the best kissers?

Tu-lips.

Karl: Thanks to Duolingo, I can ask people if they are a horse, but I can't introduce myself in french.

Mark: Ask me if I'm a horse

Karl: Tu es un Cheval?

Mark: Nay.

An American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The 2 finalists for this prestigious annual poem contest was an American Professor of Literature from Harvard and a hillbilly.

The rules were simple, come up with an poem on the spot that ends in tim-buc-tu.

The professor turned in his first. It read:

As I walked across the burn...

What is the favorite instrument when two sheep get together?

....a tu-baaaaaaaaaaaa

4 friends decide to emigrate from China to the United States

Their names are Chu, Tu, Bu, and Fu.
They have a discussion and decide that it may be a good idea to change their names to sound more western, so they improvise on their names.
Chu changes his name to Chuck,
Tu changes his name to Tuck,
Bu changes his name to Buck,
And Fu decides to g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two americans are sitting in a restaurant in Paris

The waiter comes and asks: "Bonjour monsieurs. Qu'est que tu voudrais?"

One american smiles at his friend: "Let me handle this, I speak french", then he turns to the waiter "Le we le want le pizza le please." The waiter nods and leaves.

After an hour he comes back with a pizza, spits ...

Met a 16 year old Asian girl last night.

Her name was Tu Yung

Knock Knock

\-Whos there?

\-Getuda

\-Getuda who?

\-GET TU DA CHOOOOPAAAA

What is a stuttering ballerinas favourite day of the week

Tu-Tu Tuesday

Heaven’s lines

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,

“I want the men to make two lines:

“ One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women.”

“I want all the women to repo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the Japanese person say when the Mexican asked to borrow his umbrella?

Mi kasa es tu kasa

What did Darth Vader say when he saw his old droid choosing Luke over him?

"E tu, D2?"

What do you call 2 sodium atoms?

TuNa.

What do you call a Chinese 69?

Tu-can-chu

Do you know what's better than Alan one-dick?

Alan Tu-dyk...

(*bah-dum-tish*)

I called the Tinitutus Helpline.

It didn't stop ringing.

My Chinese son was born earlier than he was supposed to be born

We called him Wei Tu Sun

Any salad is a Caeser Salad if you stab it enough times

It's also more healthy if you've Et tu

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher is giving the 5-year-olds their first french lesson.

'Does anybody already know any french?' she asks the class.

One boy raises his hand.

'Ahhh, Tres bien. Comment t'appelle tu?' the teacher asks him,

'Shit fuck cuntingface,' the boy replied, 'Sorry I can't say much else, daddy only uses a few french words.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mexican bookstore

I was walking down a mall and saw a store called "Mexican Bookstore." Naturally curious, I walked in and asked the guy behind the counter:

"Excuse me, sir, but do you happen to have a book about Donald Trump's immigration policy?"

"Fuck you! Get the fuck out and stay the fuck out!" he ...

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

A Korean man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 200,000 Korean won and walked out with $200...

The following week, he walked in with another 200,000 Korean won, and was handed $185. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said , "Three syllables bro: Fluc-tu-ations." The Korean man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and...

Went to a restaurant with Brutus

He wasn't keen on the Caesar. But he still et tu.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would /u/doubledickdude's band be called?

The Tu-Wang Clan

Too fat for the girl next door

At least according to her Korean father.

I guess I can't have my cake and Edith Tu.

What is the name of one of the Chinese gymnasts competing at the Rio Olympics?

Wai Tu Yung

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Someone at the door

Mother and father are sitting on the couch watching TV with their 17yo daughter, when someone knocks the door. The father goes to answer it, and is confronted with a 20 something years old boy:

"Hi, I‘m Tuan!"

"So, what do you want?"

"I‘m here to fuck your daughter"

"To ....

If the Mexicans are taking all of the jobs, then why do Koreans still rule the nail salons?

Because Tu is better than Juan.

A new restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s ho
use. After eating, the wives left the table and
went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking,
and one said, “Last night we went out to
a new restaurant and it was really great. I would
recommend it very highly.”
T...

A Bilingual mexican dad was getting ready for work...

...and saw his son eating some cereal, but instead of milk there was a strange milk-like substance that smelled funny.

Dad: "what've you got there, son?"

Son: "cereal with soy milk."

Dad: "Hola Milk, soy tu padre!"

The captured explorer...

There was once an intrepid explorer called Eric, he was wandering in a hitherto unknown part of Africa. One day in the jungle, his guides are ambushed and killed with poison darts. Eric is the only one taken alive and he is bound and gagged. They drag him back to their village and present him to the...

A Rabbi, A Noose, A Sapling . . .

A young rabbi was out for a walk when he came across an older man sitting next to a newly-planted sapling. Around the man’s neck was a noose, with the other end of the rope tied to one of the tree’s twigs.

The rabbi greeted the man, then said, “May I ask what you’re doing?”

“What does ...

Father O’Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over ...

Father O’Brien was driving home after lunch when a policeman pulled him over. “What have you been drinking?” asked the cop. “Only water,” replied the priest. “Then what’s that next to you?” said the policeman, pointing to the half-empty bottle of pinot noir in the passenger seat.

“Good Lord!...

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