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One Christmas Eve, Santa Claus comes down the chimney and is startled by a beautiful 19 year old blonde. She asks "Santa, will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!"

She takes off her nightgown, and wearing only a bra and panties, she asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa says, "Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go, gotta go! I gotta deliver these toys to the children, y'know!" She takes off everything and asks, "Santa, now will you stay with me?" Santa replies "Hey...

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

It was Ho Choo’s first time in America, and he was excited to visit an “American bar”.

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.

The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says “Jack Daniels, single.”

The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, “Johnny Walker, single.”

The bart...

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Ho Chow calls into work

Ho Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."

His boss says, You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you, I go to my wife and ask her for sex, that makes everything better ...

What do you call a pirate's wife?

Land Ho!

I'll show myself out.

Why did the dyslexic man call his horse "ho"

He was trying to keep her mane short

How did Santa Catch Herpes?

Too many ho ho hos.

NSFW. What do you call a hooker that likes to take it in the rear

NSFW

A back ho

(Fogive me, 1st post but my dad told me this one today.)

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

Who in here da ho?

Idaho.

Who says "ho ho ho scratch scratch scratch"?

Santa Claws

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

How did the pimp tell his account to get to work?

Tally Ho!

Why is Kevin Malone's son named Ho?

He's a big fan of a Macaulay Culkin movie.

If you take a ho to a hotel then what do you take to a motel?

Its obvious. Some mo ho's.

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

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How do you pay an undead prostitute?

With CryptHo Currency.

What do you call food from a brothel that doubles as a restaurant?

Ho-made

When I passed through Nevada, all i saw were ho's. Then in Utah, I didnt see as many, but there were quite a few ho's if you looked. When I left Salt Lake City, the truth hit me like a brick when I crossed the border...

Idaho.

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What did the pimp say when he found out one of the girls in his prostitute choir couldn't sing?

Ho hum!

My friend asked me if I were an "arr" pirate or a "yo ho ho" one

I told him I'm an "I'm not paying 600$ for Photoshop" type of pirate

What did the man say after digging three holes in the yard?

“Well, well, well”

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

A Group of Basic Girls Will Have a Higher Concentration of HOs.

However, a group of acidic girls will have a higher concentration of Hs.

Santa walks into a bar and says, “HO HO HO!”

The bartender says, “oh sorry, we’re not that kind of establishment “

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese

... and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mom or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'

She replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what?............

'A Rectum Stretcher!'

'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inse...

Bought a new car and showed it to my mum.

I said, "have a look at my karma"

What does a cowboy do when he's got a date?

He takes a ho down

What did Santa say when he dropped down the chimney at the kardashians?

Ho Ho Ho!

I went to a costume party last night and a guy dressed as Robin Hood said to me "Tally-Ho!"

I looked around and said "Seven, but I think most are just costumes".

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

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What did Santa say to the three prostitutes standing on the corner.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!

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‌‌A husban‌‌d notice‌‌s hi‌‌s wife’‌‌s hearin‌‌g i‌‌s deterioratin‌‌g an‌‌d decide‌‌s t‌‌o visi‌‌t he‌‌r docto‌‌r fo‌‌r advice.

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc.

“There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌. “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌...

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Women from Idaho are quite promiscuous [nsfw]

You ask her where she's from and she brings up her sex life!

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

One day, a husband and wife came to a street corner where Officer Ed was directing traffic. 'Good morning, Officer Ed ,' said the husband. 'Shut up!' he replied.

Officer Ed was known to be quite rude. But the wife didn't let him sour her day. 'My, it's a beautiful day,' she said.

'It's going to rain, stupid!' said Officer Ed.
She replied, 'But there's not a cloud in the sky.'

'Read my lips, lady,' said Officer Ed. 'It's going to rain.'
<...

What is the definition of a Ho?

“Ho” is the word Santa says three times in a row when he sees your mother, sister and girlfriend in the room.

What makes Santa go "ho ho ho"?

Your mom.

From behind me while walking downtown I heard a gentleman bellow, "Ho Ho Ho!"

I thought it was Santa Claus but I turned around and it was just a pimp taking inventory.

Happy ho-iday!

Happy No L's all around.

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Grandad and hos granson

A grandad and his grandson was on a fishing boat. The grandad takes a cookie out. The grandson asks can he have one? The grandad asked "can your dick touch your ass?". The grandson says "no". The grandad says "then you cant have one then".

A couple of years pass....

The two are on the ...

Why did Mrs. Claus finally leave Santa after all these years?

She found out about his other two hos.

For years as a kid I thought Satan was so cool.

Then I found out my uncle had dyslexia.

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Ho Ho Ho

In the spirit of the upcoming Holiday I would like to share a story my Father told me when I was a boy. He sat me on his knee and said:

Long ago on a snowy Christmas Eve Santa was out delivering toys to all the good kiddies. Like the many before this one it was all work, curdled milk and lame...

What's the seven dwarf's nickname for snow white?

Heigh Ho.

Ho ho ho!

But that's enough about the Kardashians, merry Christmas everyone!

What does a pirate say when he gets close to shore and sees a kardashian?

Land Ho!

Personally, I don't believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros. There needs to be a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

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When I was 6, Santa gave me coal for Christmas, so the next year I decided to get back at him and poison his cookies.

Somehow, the bastard found out and killed my dad.

Merry Christmas and Happy Ho idays to friends and oved ones c ose and far. B essings to you and yours this Yu e season.

This is my no-L greeting!

Whats ET short for

It’s because his legs are little

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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

I've told this story to many naive greens before me, so self-absorbed in their own notions of human conflict and the meaning of war. Whenever I finish the tale they're always pale as Lyndon B's corrupt lyin' ass. I can't blame 'em. This story kept me up throughout my whole deployment in those damn j...

A college student writes a letter to his parents back home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. My profe$$or$ are al$o $uper cool! With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Mi$$ you guy$!
<...

Santa's wife divorced him after he cheated on her for the fourth time

She could handle the first three ho's but the last one was just too much.

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

What does Santa the Rapper say at the beginning of his concerts?

"Where my ho ho ho's at?"

A drunk staggered up to the ho

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 50...

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Barnyard antijokes, written by an AI

Q:
What's the difference between a horse and a duck?

A:
A horse has legs but a duck has feathers.

Q:
Why do elephants play hide-and-seek?

A: They don’t have to worry about winning.

Q:
How much is a cow worth?

Answer:
100 Pounds.

Q: ...

Q: Three potatos are standing on a corner. Which one is a hooker?

A: The one saying, "I-DA-HO."

What's the difference between a ho and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

What is it called when Santa runs down someone with his sleigh?

A Ho-Ho-Homicide.

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Three men are stranded on the desert, under the scorching sun they see a shining light in the distance

To their surprise it's a genie lamp.

Desperate as they are all three rub the lamp at the same time.

A genie comes out and says: "Oh-ho! You've awaken me and as thanks I will grant 1 wish to each of you, just jump over these rocks and say what your want as you jump and a pile of what y...

Have you heard of that brothel by the port?

I believe it's called "The Land Ho!"

Yo mama such a ho...

Yo mama such a ho that her privates are called publics.

i'm ashamed of this. but also really proud.

Why did Santa go to the red light district?

He likes a good ho ho ho

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do pirates call a prostitute laying on the dirt?

Land ho

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Wong ho

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke ...

What do you call head from Mrs. Claus?

A blo-ho-ho job.

People say Christmas is a Pagan holiday but...

a senior figure coming for every child he can get to sounds pretty Catholic to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thought I’d be nice and let the kids watch a Christmas movie. Big mistake...

because now they keep saying to each other “Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker”

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Two potato’s are standing on a corner. How can you tell which one is a prostitute?

Look for the sticker that says Idaho.

I bet Santa spends a lot of time at strip clubs

He loves them ho ho ho’s

Here's an immature Christmas joke my older brother told me when we were kids...

It's Christmas eve and Santa is delivering presents. In one house, a young woman is waiting for him when he climbs down the chimney. She says to him "Santa, will you stay?" And he says "Ho ho ho, Santa's gotta go, I got presents to deliver you know". "Well, if I take off my gown will you stay?" and ...

Why does Santa spend 364 days a year forming strong masculine relationships?

Bros before hos

What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

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An unexpected surprise for Santa

Santa Claus makes his way down the chimney, and is met by a lovely young woman in a robe.

She says "Santa, how about giving me a special present. I know you'd like to come into my bedroom."

Santa responds "Ho! Ho! Ho! Santa’s gotta go. Gotta deliver all these toys to the children you k...

I've been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants…

Feefiphobia…

What do you call a hooker in a snow storm?

Frostitute

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A Mexican prostitute goes to the Doctor

The Doctor asks the ho what's wrong. She tells him that she's been feeling insecure in herself and is suddenly finding herself unable to share personal details about herself with anyone, not even family.

The Doctor says "OK, I understand. Well before we get into that, let me perform some stan...

How does Santa greet Charlie's Angels?

Ho ho ho

What is a "thot"?

A "thot" is a ho with her T Ts out

Three chinese Buddhist monks die and meet Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter reviews their lives. " Clearly all three of you have been exemplary people but I'm afraid that only Christians are allowed into heaven."

The first monk replies. " Oh no, we all good Christian. Ask any question."
St. Peter considers and says because they have been so good he w...

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Which US State Confessed To Be A Prostitute ?

I Da Ho

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An american, A French , and a Japanese survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive. The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter. The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us! It g...

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and Santa Clause?

Santa stops after 3 ho’s.

I once upset a girl I knew who was into necrophilia she told me I should...

...kill myself. I don't know if she was threatening me or hitting on me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Take 2: what do you call a prostitute who only does missionary?

A back ho.

What do you call an alien spaceship that goes from planet to planet to planet?

A UF-hoe.

Ludacris's mansion boasts the world's largest sprinkler system. It's so large...

He's got hose in different area codes.

What did the baker sing on the way to bakery?

Pie ho! Pie ho! It’s off to work I go!

A heart of gold.

A local charity had never received a donation from the town’s banker, so the director made a phone call. “Our records show you make $500,000 a year, yet you haven’t given a penny to charity,” the director began. “Wouldn’t you like to help the community?”

The banker replied, “Did your research...

A w‌‌oman w‌‌as h‌‌aving a‌‌n a‌‌ffair w‌‌hile h‌‌er h‌‌usband w‌‌as a‌‌t w‌‌ork.

O‌‌ne d‌‌ay s‌‌he w‌‌as i‌‌n b‌‌ed w‌‌ith h‌‌er b‌‌oyfriend w‌‌hen, t‌‌o h‌‌er h‌‌orror, s‌‌he h‌‌eard h‌‌er h‌‌usband’s c‌‌ar p‌‌ull i‌‌nto t‌‌he d‌‌riveway.

“Oh M‌‌y G‌‌od –‌‌ H‌‌urry! G‌‌rab y‌‌our c‌‌lothes,” s‌‌he y‌‌elled t‌‌o h‌‌er l‌‌over.“‌‌And j‌‌ump o‌‌ut t‌‌he w‌‌indow. M‌‌y h‌‌us...

What did the pirate tell his ex-wife when he spotted a lighthouse?

Land ho

A lawyer named Strange died.

His friends asked the tombstone inscriber to write "Here lies Strange, an honest man and a lawyer" on the headstone. The inscriber suggested this would confuse people, who would think three men were buried there. He suggested "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." "Whenever anyone walks...

I punched the mall Santa Clause in the face

He called my daughter a 'ho'. 3 times!

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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, “Dad, how many kinds of ‘boobies’ are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions.”

“Onions?” asked the son.
...

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