Ho Jokes - 66 Hilarious Ho Jokes

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

Happy ho-iday!

Happy No L's all around.

So my son watches this kid’s pirate show and they say “Hey ho, let’s go!” all the time.

So I keep emphatically saying it with him in hopes he’ll start to say it to my ex-wife.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Two drunk guys were on a boat cruising. When they passed by a beach, one guy points and jokingly yells out "Land Ho!".

From the beach, a blonde girl yells back "That's rude"!

Ho ho ho!

But that's enough about the Kardashians, merry Christmas everyone!

When does Santa Claus say ho ho ho?

When he walks into a room and sees your mother, sister, and wife

Santa walks into a bar and says, “HO HO HO!”

The bartender says, “oh sorry, we’re not that kind of establishment “

What do you call someone who dresses in red, has a long beard, and says ho ho ho?

A Pimp!

My friend asked me if I were an "arr" pirate or a "yo ho ho" one

I told him I'm an "I'm not paying 600$ for Photoshop" type of pirate

Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin Ho Malone?

His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.

From behind me while walking downtown I heard a gentleman bellow, "Ho Ho Ho!"

I thought it was Santa Claus but I turned around and it was just a pimp taking inventory.

100 meter race ho

Referee - '1,2,3 GO!'...

Everybody started running except Dummy.

Referee - Y r u not running...?

Dummy- My number is 4.

I’m worried my teenage daughter and her friends are planning to start an service.

At least they chose a clever name. For the past few weeks they’ve been texting non-stop about Ho Co.

A famous Vietnamese chef named Quan Si Ho was opening a restaurant, but couldn’t decide what to name it.

His brother Bao Ho told him: “It’s trendy to name restaurants after their best dish and the name of the chef.”

“Oh really?” said Quan.

“Yeah,” Bao said. “Like LB Steak, or Pizza Angelo. You could call yours ‘Ho Noodles’ or ‘Soup by Quan Si.’”

“That’s it!” said Quan. “I’ve thoug...

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There's this Pimp and he's got 3 hos

This joke doesn't work when written, because there's elements of physical comedy involved. My intent is to teach you the joke and hope you use it well. Without further ado, here's the joke

There's this pimp and he's got 3 hos. He says to the first ho "Where's the 100 dollars you owe me" Sh...

Why did the dyslexic man call his horse "ho"

He was trying to keep her mane short

What do you call a forgotten ho?

An afterthot.

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What did the dwarf say to the prostitute?

Hi ho.

It was Ho Choo’s first time in America, and he was excited to visit an “American bar”.

He quickly locates one and finds a seat by the counter, where two other men are already seated.

The surly bartender tilts his head at the first man, who says “Jack Daniels, single.”

The bartender nods and looks towards the second man, who says, “Johnny Walker, single.”

The bart...

Job Fair I

I got a job at a company that makes fire hydrants, but I had to give it up. There was no place to park.

Then I went to work for a company at prints calendars. But I knew from the start that my days were numbered.

So I went to work for a moving company. They told me to vacate the premis...

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

Who in here da ho?

Idaho.

I feel like, in mythology, Neptune is just a copy of Poseidon

Like whoever created Neptune literally read what Poseidon’s main powers were and was like “Ctrl C”

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.

ISIS guy stopped the car of Christian couple.
ISIS guy: Are you moslem?
Christian: Yes I am.
ISIS guy: Recite a verse from Quran.
Christian man recited a verse from Bible.
ISIS guys: Yallah-ho-snackbar, you can go.

Later Christian guy's wife: I can't believe you too...

Yo mama such a ho...

Yo mama such a ho that her privates are called publics.

i'm ashamed of this. but also really proud.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

" off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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One Christmas morning, a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light and next to him is a little her brand-new bike.

The cop says to the young girl, "Nice bike you got there sweetheart. Did Santa bring that to you?"

“Yes, he did,” she replied sweetly.

With a smile on his face, the cop says "Well, next year, tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike,” and he proceeds to hand the girl a $20 ticket....

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An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese man are hired at a construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the large, muscular, Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the slightly less muscular but still large Italian man, he says, "You're in charge of sweeping."

And to the skinny Chinese man he says, "You're in charge of...

Why is Kevin Malone's son named Ho?

He's a big fan of a Macaulay Culkin movie.

How do you put the pin back in a Grenade?

Quick answers please.

A girl is waiting for a letter from her soldier boyfriend.

Finally, she gets it. Excited, the girl opens the envelope. However, instead of a letter, a small note falls out. She picks it up and reads:

*Your boyfriend loves you, but babbles way too much.*

***Security.***

We looked at a WeHo townhouse that we liked very much but sadly this place was next door to the large West Hollywood fire department station.

So I guess you could say it was in WEhoWEhoWehooooo.

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Naked painting

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes.

So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear ...

A college student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch.

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

‘A swan shan’t be friends with a pig.’

‘Then I shall fly on,’ answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

How do we know that Death is a man?

He always comes quicker than expected.

A drunk staggered up to the ho

A drunk staggered up to the hotel reception desk and demanded his room be changed.
"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."
"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.
"Very good, sir. I'll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 50...

Girl winks at the bartender and asks, "Is it true hot chicks don't pay for their drinks here?"

Bartender: "Yes, that's been our policy for years! Here's your check."

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

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What is it called when you buy prostitutes in bulk?

Holesale

One day, a mother sees her daughter playing with Barbie and GI Joe. The mother, perplexed, says that she thought Barbie came with Ken.

The daughter says, "No, Barbie comes with GI Joe. She only fakes it with Ken."

I just got married but I’m not feeling great about it. For our “first dance” my wife choose the song:…

…”I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.”

I was pulling my boxers off in bed last night

When the wife said to me,

“You spoil those dogs.”

A Scientologist, a Catholic, and a Mormon are talking about their families.

The Scientologist jokes, "I've got 4 kids. One more and I'll have a basketball team!" The Catholic joins in and says, "Well I've got 10 kids, and one more I'll have a football team!". The Mormon speaks up and deadpans. "I've got 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

A man on his retirement, purchased a house situated near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began.

One afternoon early into the first semester, three young boys came down the street, beating merrily on every bin they passed.

They did this the following day and the day's after that, for a week, until the man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out ...

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A man was admitted to the hospital with 12 toy horses up his but

Doctors have described his condition as stable

(Edit): yeah I screwed up the spelling, it’s supposed to say

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer.

They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to setup a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.' So Satan and Jesus sat do...

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The Greeks vs. the Italians A Greek and Italian were debating who has the superior culture.

The Greek says, “We have the Parthenon.”

The Italian says, “We have the Coliseum.”

The Greeks says, “We had great mathematicians and philosophers.”

The Italian says, “We created a world empire and established Pax Romana.”

And so on and so on for hours...

A Psychic buying clothes

Employee: How about this one?

Psychic: That shirt is too small.

Employee: You didn't even try it on.

Psychic: I'm a medium.

Would you remarry?

Out of the blue, a woman asked her husband, "if I die, will you remarry?"

"You're not gonna die."

"But what if I do? Everybody dies eventually. Answer the question."

"Well, in theory, I suppose I could get married again, yes."

The woman gasps in disbelief. "Well! Who woul...

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Bruce Willis went shopping...

...and he overheard a fellow customer say, "Yipee-ki-yay!" Without thinking he yelled out, "!"

Customers gasped and stared at him, shocked.

He looked at the crowd of people and said, "Oh sorry, old habits...Die Hard."

Genie: I shall grant you 3 wishes

Me: I wish for a world without lawyers

Genie: Done, you have no more wishes

Me: But you said 3!

Genie: Sue me

What's the difference between a ho and a mosquito?

A mosquito stops sucking when you slap it.

How much does Santa pay for parking?

8 bucks

Santa Claus gets captured and interrogated by the KGB

“You are a very suspicious man. Who did you say you are?”

“I’m Father Christmas.”

“Then who is this Santa?”

“Oh that’s also me, I have many names, ho ho ho!”

“So you are a spy then? And what kind of jet is that? It is not detectable by our radars.”

“You mean the sl...

Why did Mrs. Clause cheat on Santa?

You'd think it's because she's a ho ho ho, but really he just wasn't present enough.

Santa gets around a lot just like Ludacris.

He ho ho ho's in different area codes.

What does Santa say when he visits good pirates?

Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum!!

Made this one up when I was 5 or 6 and I’m still getting mileage out of it 30+ years later

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An american dude, A French dude, and a Japanese dude barely survive a shipwreck...

While clinging to floating debris and paddling towards shore they discuss what they will do to survive.
The American dude says: Well, I am a carpenter by trade, so I'll build us a shelter.
The French dude says: Ho-hoh! Yers trulee eez the greatest chef ever! I shall make grand meals to feed us...

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

Nothing ... it’s on the house.

Figured I would kick off the Christmas jokes with one of my favourites.

I asked Santa What he wanted for Christmas

He said, "I would like a gift from your Mother"

I asked why and all he said was "Ho Ho Ho"

I have a lot to unpack here.

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Rude customer

Fellow walks into a bank.

He hasn’t had a haircut for some time. He is wearing a T shirt with food stains on it, a pair of jeans with holes and two unmatched sandals. He has a can of beer in one hand and a piece of paper in the other.

He gives a loud belch and yells « Service! »<...

If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of Ho Malone

It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.

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A nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket

and says "some has my pen"

A couple is walking in St. Petersburg Square on Christmas Eve. They feel a slight precipitation.

“I think it’s raining,” says the man.

“No, it’s snowing,” replies the woman.

“How about we ask this Communist officer here? He is always right!” exclaims the man. “Officer Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?”

“Definitely raining,” Officer Rudolph replies before walking off.
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