For my next magic trick ill teach you a Irish accent

Say it with me: Ari Po-er an tha cersed chil'

A perfect robbery

Three men are being chased by the police after robbing a store

They find a barn and run into quick, where they find 3 barrels

They each jump into a barrel

The police come into the barn and tap on each barrel

On the first barrel the officer taps

He hears "woof woof"...

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Master Po, why is kung fu so hard?

Grasshopper, have you seen the peace of the sunrise through the morning mists?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper, have you seen the patience of the crane as it stands still in the pond until a fish swims by?

\--Yes, Master Po, I have seen this.

Grasshopper,...

Di d y ou k n o w

tha t it’ s po s s ib l e to wri t e on t he phon e wit h you r p e ni s?
Th e on ly is su e is bal ls pre ssin g sp a c e a ll th e ti me

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A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get...

What do we call Po when he's sick?

Kung Flu Panda

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Bravery

The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the adm...

Kung Fu Panda's Script

In the first draft for Kung Fu Panda's script the country of origin was written as TH, instead of CHN. However, it was just a Thai Po.

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The only thing which I have kept with me since birth and never lost it is

My Virginity

Pos:
And I do intend to keep it that way.

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An Armenian survived a plane crash in Africa

But it seemed that fate held a grudge against him: he was captured by cannibals and was taken to be served as dinner that same night. When fire got ready, the cannibals brought the poor Armenian to the public eating place, feet and hands tied to the big single barbeque rod, ready to be roasted for g...

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After driving for 10 hours, a truck driver get pulled over by a police officer

PO: Do you know why you got pulled over?

TD: No not really.

PO: Come on out I’ll show you.

The truck driver get out of his truck and the police officer pointed to the brokers taillight

TD: Oh fuck boss is going to kill me!

PO: Its fine, it’s only a small fine.
<...

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A man had a bad case of stuttering. He went to many doctors over the years, but none of them could help him. Finally one doctor said to him "I believe I found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Waah.. waaah.. waah.. what is my pro... proo... problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
...

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A redhead, a brunette and a blonde are escaping prison...

They come across a farm and decide to hide among the animals in a desperate attempt to conceal themselves.
The police show up and find the redhead within the chicken coop. “Squawk, cock-a-doodle-do,” she cries.
Next, they find the brunette hiding among the cows in their pens. “Moo!” She lows, ...

What do you call an invisible Star Wars droid?

C-thru-PO

What do call a droid made out of glass?

*see-through* PO

Who’s the coolest animal at the watering hole ?

The Hip-po

A teenager, who just turned 18, desperately wants a car.

His mother tells him to buy one himself. A chemistry student himself, he finds an effective money-making strategy. Every day, he would sell mixtures of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tennessine, and he was earning a lot from the sales. Curious, his mother asks him about the mixtures.

The te...

Friends are like potatoes.

When you eat them, they die.

So there’s three guys in the middle of the Great Depression.

Their names are Bob, Joe, and Ronnie. Now Bob, he's a pretty smart guy. Definitely the smartest of the three. Joe is, well he's not great, but he's had a few good ideas in his time. Now Ronnie. Ronnie is dumb. And when I say dumb I mean _dumb_. Like really, really dumb. So one day, these three are p...

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A heartwarming story from the war

A boy is walking his dog in an English park when it chases a duck into the river and gets into difficulties. The boy stands on the riverbank screaming for help and crying in panic, when a German PoW on a work detail in a field sees what is happening. "Hey, Tommy, I go help?" he calls out to the guar...

Three women escape execution and are on the run

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. Night soon falls and they find refuge in a nearby farmhouse. The farmer, hearing the commotion, goes to investigate.



As he is poking around he is about to find the brunette, who is hiding in the cow pen. Thinking quickly, she says:



"...

A joke my grandfather told me 40 years ago.

As some Canadian geese were flying overhead he pointed at them and asked me, "Do you know why that side of the V is longer than the other side? (He meant the V shape the geese were flying in as they migrated)
"No", I replied after thinking about it.
"Because there are more geese on that side."...

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?

Officer on doody.

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong


Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?


See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao


Stupid man........................................Dum Gai


Small horse....

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What did Ice Cube say when his Teletubbies rental expired?

Fuck the Po lease

Guy selling apple seeds at street...

Police officer came and asked him what is he doing..
man: I am selling apple seeds which make you smarter if you eat them.
PO: Really? do they really work?
man: well buy some and try...
PO: ok...

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Stuttering Problem

A man visits the doctor because of his severe stuttering problem.

The doctor says, "It appears that your penis is four inches too long and is pulling on your vocal cords, thereby causing the stutter."

"D-d-d-oct-t-tor. Wh-ha-a-at c-c-can I d-d-do?"

The doctor tells him that he m...

A man gets pulled over by the cops...

PO: "Sir, i see here on your license it requires you to be wearing prescription glasses at all times. You're in a lot of trouble."

G: "Yeah - so?, but I've got contacts!"

PO: "I don't care who you're in cahoots with, you're coming with me!"

A blonde, brunette, and ginger steal from a bank....

They run and hide in a nearby farm while they're being chased by the cops. The three women hide behind a cow, pig, and potatoes.

The officer crashes through the barn doors and turns on his flashlight to look for the women. He shines the light on the cow where the ginger is and the woman says,...

A teenager wants to by a car

A teenager asks his mother to buy him a car. His mother tells him that he should get a job and buy it himself.

A brilliant idea came to the teenager’s head that day, since he loves chemistry so much he came up with the genius idea to sell a mixture of Rhenium, Phosphorus, Osmium, and Tenness...

How does Anakin Skywalker check his mail?

He uses a C3 PO Box

What do the brave men, and women who protect our towns and cities have in common with some very small bugs that get stuck in Edgar Allan Poe's hair have in common?

They're both Po-Lice.

* my wife kicked me out of the car shortly after telling you this joke. Crazy part about it is I was driving at the time.

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A farmer travels to the nearest town to see the doctor.

The doctor diagnoses the farmer and hands him a jar of pills, explaining, “these are suppositories, take one a day for a month.”

The farmer thanks the doctor, adding, “Doc, I’m not an educated man. What is a sup-pos-it-ory?”

The doctor humbly answers, “they’re just like any pill, excep...

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are running from the cops...

when the ladies duck into the proverbial farmhouse off the main road to hide.

They see three huge wooden barrels, and each climb into one to hide.

Moments later the cops bust down the door and begin their search.

They see the first barrel (with the brunette hiding inside) and...

After robbing a bank, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead

duck into an alley where they hide in potato sacks. The cops first go to the sack with the brunette in it and kick it. The brunette says, "Meow." They go to the sack with the redhead and kick it. She says, "Woof, woof." Last, they kick the sack with the blonde, and she says, "Po-ta-to."

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette walk into a bar.

They're all underage, and hence, they have fake ID's. The bartender see them and knows they are underage, so he call the cops. The redhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.

They run out the back door and see a barn. Inside, the redhead notices...

A blond, a redhead and a brunette rob a bank...

The cops are close behind them when they run into a shed. Inside are some empty potato sacks.

"Quick," the brunette says, "hide in there." They all climb into the sacks just as the cops come in.

The cop walks up to the sack with the brunette and kicks it. "Meow!" she says. The cop ...

My favorite Newfie joke

I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.



There was a Nova Scotian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie who were running from the cops. So they go down this side street and see three potato sacks and decide to hide in them. The police come along and think there's something suspicious so...

Welche vier Flüsse kennt jede Blondine?

Rhein, Inn, Main, Po

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A woman goes to a grocery

and tells the grocer, "I want one pound of potatoes, one pound of tomatoes, and one pound of onions."

The grocer replies, "I'm sorry, but we don't have any onions."

"Okay, then give me two pounds of potatoes, one and a half pounds of tomatoes, and half a pound of onions."

"I tol...

A Limerick

There once was a man from Port Crown

Who went to a doctor in town.

The doc gave to he

A sup-po-si-to-ry.

"I will not take this sitting down!"

C-3PO

Papa, when C-3PO is naked, he is see-through PO (My 5 1/2 y/o just came up with this. I think it's funny, for a 5 y/o :-))

POLICE ROADBLOCK

Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish dr...

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A blonde, ginger, and brunette escape from prison

and the police are chasing after them. The three women decide to hide and find a secluded alley to hide in. The brunette hides inside of a trash can, the ginger inside of a cardboard box, and the blonde inside of a potato sack. The police find the secluded and kick the things that are laying around,...

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What kinds of boobs are popular in the workplace?

Pos-tits.

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