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Caesar Jokes

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A waiter takes an order from a customer who asks for half a Caesar salad.

The waiter says "Well, we have a small and a large, would you like the small?"

The customer says, "No, I don't want a small or a large. I want HALF a Caesar salad. Why is that so hard?"

The waiter says "Ok.... let me go check with the chef." The waiter walks off toward the kitchen, but...

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar Walked into a bar.

He came, he saw, he conquered.

What did Julius Caesar say after visiting a strip club?

Veni vidi veni

What is the similarity between Julius Caesar and Tifa Lockhart?

Both of them were witnessed getting impaled in the Italian senate...

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Any salad can be a Caesar salad.

You just need to stab it enough times.

Caesar walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”

The bartender gives him a puzzled look and asks, “Don’t you mean a martini?”

“Look," Caesar replies, "If I wanted a double, I'd have asked for it!"

Did you hear somebody tried to hack Caesars Palace?

It wasn't in the cards.

They tried their best, but no dice.

What does Julius Caesar mainly use his iPhone for?

CarPlay, DM

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What did horny Caesar told Roman Senate?

I came; I saw; I came.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum

Friends, Romans
and Countrymen, lend me your ears. Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious."

The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty
Caesar"

Brutus turn...

What did Julius Caesar say to the Roman senator, who had just broken his cipher?

\- Et tu, Bruteforce?

What do a hooker and Little Caesars have in common?

They're Hot and Ready.

How does a Mexican cut a pizza?

With *little* *caesars*

Caesar and Brutus are sitting around one day...

And Brutus says to Caesar, "I'm bored! Let's go see a movie or something!"

Caesar replies, "That could be fun! What movie would you want to go see?"

Brutus responds, "Didn't they just come out with another movie about that killer clown? I can't remember the title though."

"It 2,...

Not everybody thinks Cleopatra is beautiful

But that's how Julius Caesar.

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There's a guy who lives in Ohio

There’s a guy who lives in Ohio. One morning, he hears a voice in his head. The voice says, "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and go to Las Vegas." He ignores the voice.

Later in the day, he hears the voice again. "Quit your job, sell your house, take all your money, and ...

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

What did Vercingetorix say to Caesar upon surrender?

"You've got a lot of Gaul"

-Julius Caesar

*'Commentarii de Bello Gallico'*


**And what's the deal with this so-called 'good' emperor, anyway?**

*Nerva, that guy*

Julius Caesar: ”Brutus, that’s a very nice dagger, is it new?”

Brutus: “Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe’s.”

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

Julius Caesar famously had a quick nap before crossing the Rubicon

the rest is history

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Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.

Caesar catches him in the act and says

"Ate two, Brute?"

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Brutus”

Brutus: “This is an unusual paper size for a t...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

According to historians, Julius Caesar was very religious in his later years.

Near the end of his reign, he became a holy man.

"Hey Caesar, what's the date?"

"8/2, Brute"

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing….The Fall of the Roman Empire.

Julius Caesar sashays into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?

He didn’t speak English.

What did Brutus say when Caesar ask him to do something

I'll take a stab at it

What were Julius Caesar's dying words?

name... a salad.... after me...ahhh

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

Why was Caesar so loved?

Because he was so rome-antic

What did the Senate say to Julius Caesar?

You’ve got a lot of Gaul!

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

Caesar: Want to go see a movie? Brutus: Sure which one?

Caesar: It 2, Brute

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings?

Brutus: Columns, sir.
Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.

Why was Pete at Lil’ Caesars?

Cause Pete’s a pizza.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce?

A chicken caesar salad

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

My favorite Caesar quote.

"Pizza! Pizza!"

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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?

He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

The night Julius Caesar met his wife

Julius Caesar is looking for a lady. A friend of his suggests a woman he knows. He meets the woman, and they go to his house. The next day, Caesar bumps into his friend again. The friend asks "how did it go"? Caesar replies, "I saw, I conquered, I came."

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?

Irritable Brawls in Rome

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

What did Caesar say after crossing the river Rubicon?

"Can someone get me some dry socks?"

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

Roman Dating

Caesar and Brutus were chatting over a goblet of wine one day.

Caesar says, "I had a hot date with a girl from Egypt that I met the other night."

Brutus asks, "What was her name?"

Caesar says, "Cleopatra."

Brutus asks, "How did the date go? "

Caesar answers, "vidi ...

What do you call a frightened Roman emperor that speaks rhymes to the beat of music?

Chicken Caesar Wrap

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In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson?

"Etude, Brute?"

What do you get when you cross sriracha, Little Caesars, and a donkey?

A hot pizza ass!

Like... like a hot... piece of... you get it.

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

Once upon a time in ancient Rome...

...There lived 3 very important politicians. Brutus was a schemer, and a very ambitious man. No one trusted him, but everyone worked with him. Julius Caesar was unpopular with the politicians of Rome, but the people loved him. Julius was a consul of Rome. Marc Antony was the third politician in ques...

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

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