Julius Caesar walks into a bar

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says "martinus please" bartender says "you mean martini?", "if I wanted double I would have said so" replies Caesar

What's the difference between Julius Caesar and a dominatrix?

He said "I came, I saw, I conquered."

She said "I saw, I conquered, I came."

Hey girl are you Little Caesar's?

Cus you're hot and I'm ready

Why was Julius Caesar's phone bill so high?

Because he was Roman.

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus were waiting at the airport for their flight.

Brutus: Hey Caesar, what's our boarding gate?
Caesar: A2, Brutus.

Brutus: When's the departure time for the flight?
Caesar: 8:02, Brutus.

Brutus: Are you hungry? Can we get some sandwiches?
Caesar: Ate two, Brutus.

Brutus: What size of paper are we transporting? ...

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“Veni, Vidi, Vici” - Julius Caesar

“Vidi, Vici, Veni” - A Rapist.

Caesar and Brutus are sitting around one day...

And Brutus says to Caesar, "I'm bored! Let's go see a movie or something!"

Caesar replies, "That could be fun! What movie would you want to go see?"

Brutus responds, "Didn't they just come out with another movie about that killer clown? I can't remember the title though."

"It 2,...

What did Caesar say after he left the brothel?

Veni, Veni, Veni.

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

What did the Senate say to Julius Caesar?

You’ve got a lot of Gaul!

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What would Caesar’s Famous Saying be if he were a prostitute?

Veni, Veni, Veni.

What do Mexicans use to cut there pizza?

Little Caesars.

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

One came, one saw, and one conquered.

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad if you stab it a few times.

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

Tears stream down Brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. He feels the rodent tug his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. Their eyes meet and Julius Caesar whispers his last words:

“Rat tu, touille?”

Caesar: Want to go see a movie? Brutus: Sure which one?

Caesar: It 2, Brute

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

How did Rome get split in two?

With a pair of caesars

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars!

Julius Caesar: ”Brutus, that’s a very nice dagger, is it new?”

Brutus: “Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe’s.”

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

According to history, Julius Caesar was so religious...

...that he died a holy man.

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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

After recently getting into dating apps I came to the conclusion that Tinder is a lot like Little Caesars...

if you want it hot and ready, you're gonna have to take a hit on quality

What were Julius Caesar's dying words?

name... a salad.... after me...ahhh

Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

"Hey Caesar, what's the date?"

"8/2, Brute"

Why was Caesar so loved?

Because he was so rome-antic

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

Sometimes I envy Julius Caesar...

He died surrounded by all of his friends.

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

Why was Pete at Lil’ Caesars?

Cause Pete’s a pizza.

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

What did Shakespeare eat for lunch?

Caesar salad.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗡𝗮𝗺𝗲'𝘀 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁... 𝗖𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗰 𝗙𝗼𝗻𝘁.

The year was 2020.

By some miracle, Julius Caesar woke up in his grave.

Yes, the same dude from Ancient Rome who got whacked by Brutus and his buddies.

The stab wounds on his back had healed and he was alive again.

He dug himself out of his grave and looked at himself in...

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?

He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.

The Ancient Romans were debating how to count things

Their city state was already hundreds of years old, and their Republic was barrelling down the pathway to Empire: but they still hadn't decided fully how to count things.

The Senate was a blaze of fury as populares and optimates rowed over the proper way to measure and record all things numer...

Julius Caesar sashays into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

My wife and I agreed for some Roman foreplay (NSFW)

I agreed to be Caesar and my wife was the beautiful Cleopatra

I got stabbed 23 times

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Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.

Caesar catches him in the act and says

"Ate two, Brute?"

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What's the title of Julius Caesar's Porno?

Vedi Veci Veni

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

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A guy is driving home one day and hears a voice that says "Sell your car, sell your house, take all the money and go to Vegas"

He thinks it's weird, and that he's imagining things.

Same thing happens the next day, and then again, every day for weeks. Finally after about a month he decides to do it. Sells his car, his house, takes all the money and flies to Vegas.

As soon as he gets off the plane, the voice sa...

There was once a chicken who was in a loving relationship with a salad. Unfortunately, the salad died and went to heaven. A few years later, the chicken got run over trying to cross the road. The chicken died and went to heaven.

Finally, the chicken Caesar salad.

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You know how you can tell if the olive oil is extra virgin?

If it screams while being poured onto a Caesar salad.

A fitness freak is out for a run one day. She's having a great run, tunes playing through her ear buds, sun shining.

As she sprints blissfully across a road, a massive truck ploughs into her.

The next thing she's aware of is she's standing in a shiny, beautiful place and inately realises, this must be Heaven.

Sure enough, an angel approaches her and tells her, yes she's now in Heaven and gives her a ...

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?

Irritable Brawls in Rome

Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

My favorite Caesar quote.

"Pizza! Pizza!"

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In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

The night Julius Caesar met his wife

Julius Caesar is looking for a lady. A friend of his suggests a woman he knows. He meets the woman, and they go to his house. The next day, Caesar bumps into his friend again. The friend asks "how did it go"? Caesar replies, "I saw, I conquered, I came."

What did Caesar say when he ran into his friend at a music lesson?

"Etude, Brute?"

What did Caesar say after crossing the river Rubicon?

"Can someone get me some dry socks?"

Saving a christian

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.” I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholi...

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

Why did the Roman woman never win Hide & Seek?

Because Julius Caesar.

How does the Roman dictator know that the girl is wearing a red dress?

He Caesar

At dinner last night

The waiter kept making the freudian slip calling the caesar salad caesarean salad. I asked him if he had any natural births, because I am eating organic.

Nobody at the table found this funny so I thought I would share because I found it hilarious.

How do Romans make arts and crafts?

With Caesars and gluesticks.

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This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day . . .

. . . doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Take the money. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day he was in the shower wh...

Why did the doctor think the fat guy had epilepsy?

He kept having Little Caesar's.

I heard Dwayne Johnson is filming a movie about retrieving documents from the leader of ancient Rome

It's going to be a Rock, Paper, Caesar's shoot.

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