UPJOKE
augustusjulius caesarcicerojuliaroman senateides of marchemperorkingprincerulermacbethsultanrubicongaulkaiser

What does Augustus Caesar and a straight stick used for measuring inches have in common?

They're both imperial rulers

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What did Julius Caesar say after watching porn?

Veni vidi veni

Any salad can be a Caesar Salad

if you stab it enough.

What do a hooker and Little Caesars have in common?

They're Hot and Ready.

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A barbarian slave in Rome somehow won the attention of Caesar's daughter

They became lovers. To avoid pregnancy, they agreed to oral sex only. After just a few encounters, they were caught in the act. At first the barbarian, imprisoned and sentenced to fight to entertain the crowd, regretted his poor judgment.

Eventually, though, he was gladiator.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

A sperm donor, a carpenter, and Julius Caesar walk into a bar

He came, he saw, he conquered

What is the similarity between Julius Caesar and Tifa Lockhart?

Both of them were witnessed getting impaled in the Italian senate...

Ladies call me Little Caesars

Because I got hella bread and low quality meat

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who killed Julius caesar ?

a principal heard a teacher screaming in his class so he went to ask what was happening

the teacher replied to him " it's a disaster I can't continue doing this anymore "

the principal replied " what's the problem tell me maybe I can help "

the teacher nodded then called a stude...

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Quit Your Job. Sell Your House. Go to Vegas.

This guy was sitting in his cubicle one day doing paperwork for his company when he heard a voice out of nowhere. "Quit your job. Sell your house. Go to Las Vegas." He was a little freaked out by the mysterious voice, but managed to finish out his day, go home, and go to sleep.

The next day h...

Caesar and Brutus are sitting around one day...

And Brutus says to Caesar, "I'm bored! Let's go see a movie or something!"

Caesar replies, "That could be fun! What movie would you want to go see?"

Brutus responds, "Didn't they just come out with another movie about that killer clown? I can't remember the title though."

"It 2,...

Julius Caesar famously had a quick nap before crossing the Rubicon

the rest is history

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Mehmed II, Ottoman Emperor are in a room. Julius Caesar walks in the room. What did he say?

"Veni, vidi, vici."

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

What did Vercingetorix say to Caesar upon surrender?

"You've got a lot of Gaul"

-Julius Caesar

*'Commentarii de Bello Gallico'*


**And what's the deal with this so-called 'good' emperor, anyway?**

*Nerva, that guy*

Julius Caesar walks into a bar

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and says "martinus please" bartender says "you mean martini?", "if I wanted double I would have said so" replies Caesar

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A good wish from Genie!!!

4 friends made their annual monthly meeting. Every 3rd week of each month they go out same bar same time same friday night.

As always they endup pretty drunk and a 3 o'clock in morning they call out this night and start go home. While walking on empty and dark street they were still having f...

Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?

He didn’t speak English.

What did Brutus say when Caesar ask him to do something

I'll take a stab at it

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

They use Little Caesars

Julius Caesar and Marcus Brutus are at the airport

Brutus: “Which is our boarding gate Caesar?”
Caesar: “A-2 Brutus”

Brutus: “And what time is the flight Caesar?”
Caesar: “8:02 Brutus”

Brutus: “By the way, I have sandwiches. Do you want one Caesar?”
Caesar: “Ate two Brutus”

Brutus: “This is an unusual paper size for a t...

tears stream down brutus’ face as he realizes what he’s done. the rodent tugs his hair purposefully, and like a marionette he plunges the knife deeper into his old friend’s back. their eyes meet. caesar whispers his final words:

“rat tu, touille?”

Caesar: Brutus, what do you call those pillars we use in our buildings?

Brutus: Columns, sir.
Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.

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Caesar and Brutus are on sesame street

Count von Count asks Caesar, "Do you know how to count to one hundred?"

Caesar says "Yes, I will show you how!"

So Caesar starts counting "One, two, three..."

As the numbers get higher more and more characters are appearing around Caesar.

"Sixty- seven, sixty-eight, six...

Why was Julius Caesar's phone bill so high?

Because he was Roman.

Julius Caesar: ”Brutus, that’s a very nice dagger, is it new?”

Brutus: “Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe’s.”

What did the Senate say to Julius Caesar?

You’ve got a lot of Gaul!

Roman Dating

Caesar and Brutus were chatting over a goblet of wine one day.

Caesar says, "I had a hot date with a girl from Egypt that I met the other night."

Brutus asks, "What was her name?"

Caesar says, "Cleopatra."

Brutus asks, "How did the date go? "

Caesar answers, "vidi ...

What were Julius Caesar's dying words?

name... a salad.... after me...ahhh

Caesar: Want to go see a movie? Brutus: Sure which one?

Caesar: It 2, Brute

Julius Caesar and Brutus Walk Into a Movie Theater

Brutus looks at Caesar and says "Caesar, we should watch the movie sequel with the scary clown in it!"

Caesar ponders what Brutus is saying for a moment. "It Two, Brute?"

Contrary to popular myth, Caesar wasn't killed by the Roman senate. He died of a heart attack when he heard of Barcelona's spectacular loss. His last words were however accurate....

8-2, brutus?

The killing of Julius Caesar is a perfect example of group project. 60 dudes agreed to kill Caesar

But there were only 23 stab wounds

How do you split Rome in half?

You use a pair of caesars.

"Hey Caesar, what's the date?"

"8/2, Brute"

Some people have compared Trump to Caesar.

Would that make him Orange Julius?

Julius Caesar sashays into a bar.

He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers, please!"

Sometimes I envy Julius Caesar...

He died surrounded by all of his friends.

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At first, Caesar thought it was a bad idea to masturbate while counting his people.

But before long, he came to his census.

People stabbing Julius Caesar were expecting a lot of things.......

Hearing Harder daddy! Was not one of them

For dinner tonight, don’t forget to stab your Caesar salad 23 times.

Today is the Ides of March.

Caesar on Cleopatra:

I, Caesar, when I learned of the fame
Of Cleopatra, I straightway laid claim.
Ahead of my legions,
I invaded her regions,
I saw, I conquered, I came.

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Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.

Caesar catches him in the act and says

"Ate two, Brute?"

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them...

In ancient Rome, a man was convicted for eating his wife.

The soldiers arrested him and bought him before Caesar.

"Do you have remorse for your heinous crime?" Caeser asked.

The Roman smiled and shook his head. He looked very happy.


Caeser was shocked. He told the guards

"To commit such an act is bad enough but to be happy a...

Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?

He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.

The assassination of Julius Caesar

Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion:

"8/2, Brute..."

Caesar: Veni, vidi, vici

meaning I came, I saw, I conquered.
Which is probably useful for explaining why the strip club down the street now has the motto:
Veni, vidi, veni.

A Caesar salad walks in to a bar

A piece of Romaine stabs him in the back

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Why was Pete at Lil’ Caesars?

Cause Pete’s a pizza.

One day, Julius Caesar was in the marketplace with a friend, looking for a celebratory item after coming back from a successful campaign. He was looking towards a bust of his face, carved in marble.

But that was when his friend said: "Hey! Don't get a head of yourself!"

Julius Caesar ordered pizza for the senate at Theatre of Pompey

Casca: How could you not order enough pizza for everyone?

Julius: But there was enough for everybody to have a slice...

Brutus: I ate 2 slices.

Julius: ATE TWO, BRUTE?

What do you call a chicken staring at a lettuce?

Chicken Caesar salad

What did the caesar salad say when the final touches were being added?

Et tu, crout?

Caesar comes across a problem

During Julis Caesar's campaigns against the Germanic tribes, he came across never before seen weather, it came crashing down on the men and stalled exit of the most recently conquered villages.
Amazed by this, he asks one of the local what it is.
"Hail, Caesar" The man replies.

My favorite Caesar quote.

"Pizza! Pizza!"

What happened when Caesar's government officials could not reach consensus?

Irritable Brawls in Rome

I have done some research, and discovered what food you are most likely to die of a heart attack.

"Caesar Salad."


[OC.]

I was never a very good waiter. On my first day, two ladies came in and ordered:

First lady: "I'll have a garden salad please"

Second lady: "Caesar salad for me please"

So I brought the first lady her garden salad, then seized it and gave it to the second lady.

The night Julius Caesar met his wife

Julius Caesar is looking for a lady. A friend of his suggests a woman he knows. He meets the woman, and they go to his house. The next day, Caesar bumps into his friend again. The friend asks "how did it go"? Caesar replies, "I saw, I conquered, I came."

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In order to make a Caesar salad, fill a bowl with regular salad...

... Then stab the fucker.

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Trump reminds me of Julius Caesar

He thinks he's negotiating with a leader from the East, but he's probably just getting fucked.

What did Caesar say after crossing the river Rubicon?

"Can someone get me some dry socks?"

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,

The weather proved a teaser!

The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",

But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"

So my dad stabbed a pizza box

Now i undrrstand why its called little caesar's

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Principal walks into a history class

A principal walks in the school grounds to see how well the students do in their classes.

He walks into a history class and asks the teacher to stop the lesson, so he can ask a few questions.

"Tell me, kids... Do you know who killed Julius Caesar?". The classroom stays silent...
...

How do you arrest a Roman woman?

Caesar.

I took the day off work and decided to go out golfing.

I was on the second hole when I noticed a frog sitting next to the green. I didn't think anything of it and was about to shoot when the frog says "Ribbit. 9- Iron".

I looked around and didn't see anyone.

"Ribbit. 9-Iron."

I looked at the frog and it just stared back at me. So...

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