This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Iris‌‌h daughte‌‌r ha‌‌d no‌‌t bee‌‌n hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌. Upo‌‌n he‌‌r retur‌‌n he‌‌r Fathe‌‌r curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.

"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t ye‌‌r ol‌‌d Mothe‌‌r through?‌‌"
‌‌
Th‌‌e girl‌‌, crying‌‌, replied‌‌, "Dad..‌‌. ‌‌I beca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

Ha ha ha...

What do you get when you cook your funny bone?

Laughing stock.

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies."

I said, "Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

Quarantine has turned us into dogs.

We roam the house all day looking for food. We are told "no" if we get too close to strangers. And we get really excited about car rides.

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

I just got a wooden motorcycle. It has a wooden frame, wooden handle bars, wooden wheels, and a wooden seat. Guess what?

It wooden start.

The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing e...

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

Monopoly is fun but it has some really old stuff that isn’t valid anymore.

There’s free parking, a luxury tax and rich people can actually go to jail.

My four year old daughter has been learning Spanish now for over a year but she still can’t seem to say “please”

I think that’s poor for four

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist, he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.





Edit: Wow! Thank you for all of the awards, I didn't anticipate that. Some people need to relax though. This is just a freakin' joke, not the agenda of a movement.

Also,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it’s.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it hap...

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies, "That would be my wife."

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 2 butts and kill people?

An ass-ass-in

Laugh, damn it

A cold snap across the United States has seen Texas dealing with temperatures as low as -18

The demand for electricity has led to blackouts across the state, causing some people to go without Fox News for so long, they've stopped blaming the weather on Joe Biden.

I know why this entire country has gotten so cold.

It's because Trump stopped blowing hot air that kept all of us warm.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A math professor, Dave, has a problem with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.

The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumbe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!" The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not horny –...

Trump still has a chance at 270

All he has to do is lose 50lbs.

I think my wife has been putting superglue on my water gun collection.

She denies it but I'm sticking to my guns.

Breaking: Donald Trump has just won another state.

Denial.

What rock group has four men that don’t sing?

Mount Rushmore

The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from...

....except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“Doc, I think my son has gonorrhea,” a patient told his urologist on the phone. “The only woman he’s screwed is our maid.” “OK, don’t be hard on him. He’s just a kid,” the doc soothed. “Get him in here right away and I’ll take care of him.”

“But, Doc, I’ve been screwing the maid, too, and I’ve got the same symptoms he has.”

“Then you come in with him and I’ll fix you both up,” replied the doctor.
>“Well,” the man admitted, “I think my wife now has it, too.”

“Son of a bitch!” the physician roared. “That means we’ve a...

Quarantine has me really stressed and bored so I've been trying that Chinese thing with the needles

You know, heroin

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

It's called RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has been secretly masturbating behind my back during her Period...

But i caught her red handed!!

r/Jokes Has 20 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

My wife is madder at me than she has ever been.

She tripped and fell while carrying clothes she just ironed.
I didn't move.

"What are you doing?!" She yelled at me.

"Watching it all unfold," I said.

What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it?

Envelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know a pigeon dies after it has sex?

Well, the one I fucked did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Okay Fred, Shaggy and Daphne, can you name an animal that lives in Africa and has a large horn on its face?" "Rhino!"

"We know you know the answer, Scooby, but it's not your turn!"

Which country in the world has most Parks?

Korea

What has four eyes but cannot see?

Mississippi.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” sh...

A guy walks into a bar and has several beers while he complains to the bartender about his soon-to-be ex-wife.

"I was a complete idiot when I married her," the guy laments to the bartender. "Probably," the bartender agrees. "But I suppose she was in love at the time and didn't notice right off."

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

The police came to my front door tonight holding a picture of my wife.

They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, "Yes."

They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy finds a super expensive frog at a flea market He asks the salesman why is the frog so expensive. “Because he can give one hell of a blowjob..”

The guy gets intrigued and buys the frog.

Later that night, his wife comes home to see him lying in their bed naked, with the frog on his shoulder, reading a cooking book.

“What the hell is this??”

“Baby, if this frog learns how to cook, you’re outta here!”

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' sh...

What has 5 fingers, but isn't your hand?

My hand.

Marshall Mathers has agreed to be the spokesman for the Johnson&Johnson Covid Vaccine...

...cuz you only get one shot.

What has 6 legs, 6 eyes and 6 hands?

6 pirates

So much has changed my girlfriend told me she was pregnant

For instance my name, my address, my phone number..

After having his title stripped and funds cut off by the Royal Family, Harry has taken up painting to supplement his income.

He’s the Artist formerly known as Prince.

Everyone who gets the COVID vaccine has to get two shots, except Eminem.

He only gets one shot.

An American and a Soviet general are at the UN and are bragging about who has the best soldiers.

The American says: "We train our men hard; our boys march 100 miles a day in basic training". The Russian says "Da, so what? Our soldiers march 200 miles a day and double on weekends".

The American retorts "Well... when our GIs march they do it carrying 90lb packs without so much as a complai...

What has 5 toes and isn't your foot?

My foot.

A monkey is smoking a joint

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says "Hey! what are you doing?" The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and join me" So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his ...

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference...

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:


"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"



The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science...

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden

*The plot thickens.*

My wife has informed me she is leaving me for my best mate.

To be fair, he was just a mate until she told me.

The Mars rover has detected the first signs of life on Mars.

It seems that it has received signals from 'Hot MILFs in it's area'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After running a test, my doctor has informed me I have incredibly healthy sperm.

Hardly surprising though, I only ever masturbate into sports socks.

Every Zodiac sign has a signature hairstyle

For instance, people with cancer are bald

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex. The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me!

I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest rated hospital in the world. I make $800,000 a year, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

Ireland and iceland has one thing in common

They are both one sea away.

Girlfriend told me my tendency to take everything literally has led to her walking on eggshells around me

I told her that’s terrible for the carpet

Which place has the shortest days

Italy as it turns on its axis the fastest.

What did Yoda say when he saw himself on the 4K TV?

"HDMI"


I really hope this hasn't already been done.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just read that the average person has sex at least three times a week.

They must have a really well paying job. I can only afford it once a month!

Two Beggars in London. (NSFW)

Two beggars in London

Ali and Habib are beggars.
They beg in different areas of London ...

Habib begs just as long as Ali does, but only collects £2 to £3 every day.

Ali brings home a suitcase FULL of £10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has eight legs, a horse's head and makes hissing noises as it moves?

Seriously... What is that thing? It suddenly appeared in the basement a week ago. Should I be concerned? Would have asked my brother for help but haven't seen him in seven days.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has a big problem with an impotent bull.

After months of desperation and trying everything he asks for the help of a local veterinarian.

The veterinarian tells him there is a experimental option to show the bull some hardcore porn.

The farmer says he knows this sounds silly but he has nothing to lose and is willing to try a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor suffering from severe headaches.

After a thorough examination, the doctor turned to him and said: "Jerry, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration." "You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates these serious headaches...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his bestfriend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.



LOL.

What has two arms but can’t reach, two legs but can’t stand, and two eyes but can’t see?

A vegatable

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

What do you give a man who has everything?

A shot of penicillin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The clitoris has nearly 8000 nerve endings.

And it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

Is it just me, or does the hero of a-ha's Take On Me video...

...seem kinda sketchy?

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to a sex therapist...

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

My best friend David has his ID stolen.

Now he's just Dav

Donald Trump has just died. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Service in an attempt to lift the burden off of new graduates

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died.

Restaurant In Peace.

A man has been shot with a starting pistol.

Police are pretty sure it's race related.

I ran out of toilet paper last week and can't afford to buy more till I get paid next week, so I started using the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in......

......... The Times are really Rough!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had a twin.

People always asked me how I could tell them apart. Simple:

Jane paints her nails purple. John has a cock.

Why do Americans still use imperial measurement system where almost the entire world has transitioned to metric?

Not necessarily, they've been using 9mm at schools.

After getting away with murder for 52 years, the Zodiac Killer has revealed his identity to the press.

He didn’t want to be associated with Ted Cruz.

If a redbird has red babies, and a bluebird has blue babies, what kind of bird has no babies?

A Swallow.

Ever since I've needed to use a wheelchair, my wife has been so rude.

She's been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

Has anyone caught the dwarf psychic that escaped from prison?

Come on guys, there’s a small medium at large!

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill explained, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around..."

"That every time the milkman or mailman came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms and hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has been getting horrible debilitating headaches for a long time a& finally decided to go to the doctor...

And he’s just begging for some relief. “They just won’t stop,” he says. “I can’t do anything, my work is suffering, I can’t spend time with my family, it’s just gotta stop!”

So the doctor does some tests and says, “well there’s good news & bad news. The good news is, I found the problem, ...

Elton John has bought a treadmill for his pet rabbit.

It’s a little fit bunny.

"Our Lord has many names. The Almighty. The Messiah. The Alpha and the Omega. The Shepard. Howard."

What do you he doesn't go by "Howard"?! Do you not know "The Lord's Prayer":



*Our Father who art in Heaven*

*Howard be thy name*

What do you call a soldier who has survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled, "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.

The bartender was almost crushed.

In breaking news, Trump’s personal library has burned down.

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn’t even finished coloring the second one.

If a deaf person has to go to court...

...is it still a hearing?



I am hard of hearing myself, I found it funny. I am going to hell.

I take strong offense with anyone saying the Republican Party has no standards now.

In fact, they have double standards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Buying a hoarder a birthday gift has its ups and downs...

On one hand, they already have everything. On the other, they’ll always cherish your present.

What do you do when an epileptic has a seizure in a bathtub?

Throw in some of your laundry

My Himalayan friend has a cow that refuses to stand up

I always see Himalayan there.

This has been the craziest day of my life.

First, I find a hat full of cash. Then, I’m chased by an angry man with a guitar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

What has 20 legs and 2 teeth.

The methadone line

I always thought it was strange that Snoop Dogg has an umbrella with him in any outdoor photo. Just the other day my buddy explained the reason.

Fo Drizzle

What state has the smallest soft drinks?

Minisoda

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the pandemic casual sex among young adults has been in decline

But ranked competitive sex has risen

I have the biggest music collection, and I own more vinyl records than anyone. I have one record that no one else has.

the world record

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that Trump has been banned from Twitter, we finally learned the past tense of the verb "Tweet."

Twat

What has 4 letters, sometimes 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.

Hint: I didn't ask a question.

A mate of mine just told me that he has been drinking brake fluid!

I told him how dangerous that is and how it could kill him if he keeps it up, but he said he can stop anytime he likes.

What has two grey legs and two brown legs?

An elephant with diarrhea

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck.

My wife has just given me a book with all the words that I'm not supposed to use when we argue....

It's called a dictionary.

My wife has been treating me like a god lately...

Ignoring my existence, unless she needs something from me

This pandemic has gone on for so long...

This pandemic has gone on for so long, that commercials are going to have to start saying “In these precedented times.”

You are obese!

A woman visits the doctor

Doctor: Madame, you are obese.

Woman: What?? I demand a second opinion!

Doctor: Your hair looks stupid.

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx.

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.

"Doctor, I think I'm going deaf."

Doctor said, "Describe the symptoms."


\- "Well, Homer is bald, Marge has blue hair..."

Because of lock down my hair has never been longer

But it is really starting to grow on me

What does Claude leave when he has no Monet to pay for his coffee?

A bad impression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japan has appointed a 'Minister of Loneliness' after seeing suicide rates in the country increase for the first time in 11 years.

I bet the nominee jumped at the chance.

Donald Duck has been hanged!

He is now in what we refer to as a state of suspended animation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an octopus...

He puts the octopus down on a barstool and tells everyone in the bar,

"this is the world's most talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument you can find - in fact, i'll bet $100 that nobody here has an instrument that this octopus can't play."

Somebody in the bar pulls out a g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The king of a country has planted a razor in the queen's vagina in order to find out which guard she is cheating with.

in the evening, while she is sleeping.

Next day comes, and he orders them to get undressed to check on their penises, and sees that each one's was cut except for a single one's. The king yells:

\- Finally, a loyal guard to his king and country! All of you traitors should have followed ...

Guitar maker Fender has announced a new line of woodwind instruments

Coming soon, the Saxofender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the letter O say to the letter Q?

"Your dick is out!"

It seems to be discriminatory, but my State's COVID-19 vaccination scheduling website has given everyone with low IQs appointments for the same date next week.

February 29th.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A restaurant has a challenge: "We will give $500 to any customer whose order we can not fill"

One day, a man sees this sign and decides to take them up on it. So when gets seated, he tells the waitress that he wants an elephant testicle on rye bread.

She dutifully takes his order back to the kitchen. A few seconds later he could hear all hell breaking loose in the kitchen: there's peo...

If anyone is alone this Christmas and has nobody to spend it with, please let me know..

I really need to borrow some chairs

Has anyone seen my chiropractor joke? I think I lost it here.

It would’ve been about a week back.

I just found out my crush has covid,

so I asked her out because she’s lost her sense of taste.

What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer)

Yankee candle, known for its fragranced candle line of products has revealed it is making an odourless candle for the first time ever

It makes no scents

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Has anyone ever tried something they saw in a porno and it ended up not workin out aw well as you imagined?

Turns out plumbing is a lot harder than it looks. And so is pissing into your own mouth

Read this in a pirate voice

Did ye hear what happened to Captain Bluebeard when he fell overboard in the Red Sea?

He got Marooned!

I asked my friend why has he stopped making jokes and puns about Trump after he was sacked from the White House.

He said he's Biden his time

2020 has been brutal this year

Now it's just Ruthless

A man walks into a pet shop and says “I purchased a parrot from this store a week ago and he has not yet spoken.”

The store owner says, “Well, some parrots are slower learners than others. Here’s a book of simple phrases you can teach your parrot.”

The man accepted the book, paid for it, and left.

The next day, the man walked into the store and said, “That bird still won’t talk.”

The store ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra...

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny has the day off from school and is bugging his mom

Johnny: mom, I'm bored I want to do something.

Mom: See those construction workers building that house across the street? Why don't you go over there and see what they are doing, maybe you'll learn something.

So Johnny does what his mom told him and spends all day across the street. He...

What is the funniest fish?

A piranha-ha-ha.

In fact, it hurt itself laughing so hard, it had to see a sturgeon.

Tiger Woods has really picked up his game

He used to only flip his golf club

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dog has no nose. (Rehash)

I got this dog, but he ain't got no nose.
And I can't help but feel sorry for him.
Cause he's such a nice dog, and he just wants to make friends.
But when he sniffs another dog's ass he makes them real uncomfortable.
Cause he's like, way up in there ya know?
The lady dogs seem to like...

Tiger Woods has another mishap in his automobile.

He should really start listening to his Caddy on his drives

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I am sad to announce that the Duracell bunny has died...

...from sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going and going he kept on coming and coming and coming...

A passer by asked a tree surgeon how many trees he has cut down...

Surgeon: Exactly 178,794

Passerby: Wow, how do you know that?

Surgeon: I keep a log

I hear that Bambi has been in mourning since the conclusion of last hunting season.

He lost a deer friend.

My wife has a peculiar cooking habit

So, my wife and I are newly weds, and she's a great cook, but I noticed she did something strange when preparing sausages. Just before she puts them in the skillet, she cuts off about an inch on both sides of the sausages.

After having witnessed this a couple of times, I asked her why she di...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.