This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

​ Paddy's daughte‌‌r ha‌‌dn't come hom‌‌e fo‌‌r ove‌‌r ‌‌5 years‌‌.

When she finally returned, Paddy curse‌‌d he‌‌r heavily‌‌.
"Wher‌‌e hav‌‌e y‌‌e bee‌‌n al‌‌l thi‌‌s time‌‌, child‌‌? Wh‌‌y di‌‌d y‌‌e no‌‌t writ‌‌e t‌‌o us‌‌, no‌‌t eve‌‌n ‌‌a line‌‌? Wh‌‌y didn'‌‌t y‌‌e call‌‌? Ca‌‌n y‌‌e no‌‌t understan‌‌d wha‌‌t y‌‌e pu‌‌t me and your ma through?‌‌"
‌‌T...

What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance, you racist!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

Quarantine has really put a damper on comedy.

For months nobody has walked into a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer has dozens of cows and two bulls, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore.

One day the famer brings a third bull into the field. The new bull is much younger than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

When the old bulls see this, one of them starts huffing, snorting, and scraping the ground with his hoof.

"Don't bother competing wit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three friends were bragging about who has the most sex

The first guy starts, “Y'all ain't got nothing on me! I can go to any bar and bring home a new woman every night! Not only that, but I drive a corvette and have an 8 inch penis! I've slept with more than 1,000 women!”

Second guy fires back, “Oh yeah? Well I’m a top gynecologist at the highest...

What do you call a british Ke$ha?

Ke£ha

The Taliban has promised they WILL require a Covid Vaccine Pass

\- from all individuals who are seeking to attend public executions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

OnlyFans has just announced that it is removing all pornography on october 1st.

I suggested they change their name to LonelyFans, but i dunno

2 monkeys sat on a branch, one says "ooh ooohh aha ha aha!"

The other says "careful, that's hot."

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex

They are watch dogs

A woman marries a man and has 10 children. The man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children. The next man dies, so the woman remarries again and has ten more children. That man dies, so the woman remarries and has 10 more children...

The husband dies again and finally the woman dies as well.

At the funeral, the priest mutters, "Thank God! They’re finally together!"

A man at the funeral asks another man on his left, “Which husband do you think he means? The first, second, or third?”

The man on his left says, ...

A new dating website has been taking Alabama by storm...

It's pretty uncommon in other places, so you may have heard of it. It's called OnlyFams.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Joe had these headaches...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to rem...

My son told my husband he got a part in his school play & he’ll be playing a man who has been married for 25 years.

My husband replied, maybe next time you’ll get a speaking part.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New York City has a new cocktail commemorating Ida.

It’s just a Manhattan, but watered down. #WayTooSoon

My boyfriend has dandruff.

"My boyfriend has dandruff. What's the best way to remove it?" I texted my mother.

She replied, "Just give him Head & Shoulders."

20 minutes later.

I texted my mother back, "Okay. Now how do I give the shoulders?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you ever noticed what a woman's asshole does when she has an intense orgasm?

He's probably out, drinking with his buddies...

My Doctor has advised me to stop drinking - its going to be a massive change for me.

I've been with that doctor for 15 years...

Littl‌‌e J‌‌ohnn‌‌y w‌‌a‌‌s t‌‌ol‌‌d b‌‌‌‌y h‌‌i‌‌s f‌‌riend‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t a‌‌dult‌‌s h‌‌av‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ee‌‌p d‌‌ar‌‌k s‌‌ecre‌‌t a‌‌n‌‌d c‌‌a‌‌n b‌‌‌‌e e‌‌asil‌‌y m‌‌anipulated.

Johnn‌‌y d‌‌ecide‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌es‌‌t i‌‌t‌‌. H‌‌‌‌e c‌‌ome‌‌s h‌‌ome‌‌, g‌‌oe‌‌s u‌‌‌‌p t‌‌‌‌o h‌‌i‌‌s m‌‌othe‌‌r a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ays‌‌, "‌‌Mom‌‌, I‌‌‌‌ k‌‌no‌‌w e‌‌verything.‌‌" M‌‌o‌‌m s‌‌hushe‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m a‌‌n‌‌d g‌‌ive‌‌s h‌‌i‌‌m $‌‌10.

"Jus‌‌t d‌‌on'‌‌t t‌‌el‌‌l D‌‌ad‌‌" s‌‌h‌‌e s‌‌ays.
...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is one of a kind. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee. The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it.

Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.
The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
"That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks...

r/jokes has a discord and you need to join!

Over 20k members! Come see reposts in real time!

https://discord.gg/jokes

The inventor of auto-correct has died

his funnel is tomato

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three generals are arguing over who has the bravest soldiers.

The first general calls up a private from his army and tells him: "Climb that building and leap down from the roof!". With a "Yes sir!", the soldier climbed the building, leapt off and crashed violently on the concrete floor. The second general called up a private from his army and orders him: "Put ...

An Austrian travels to France where he has to pass security.

Airport security:"Nationality?"

Austrian: "Austria"

Airport security: "Occupation?"

Austrian: "Nein, nein, only vacation"

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I‘be attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give the speech ...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s disc...

If a blue bird has blue babies

And a red bird has red babies
What bird has no babies?


Swallows

The man who invented auto-correct has suddenly past away...

His funfair is next monkey...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you know when a mechanic has just had sex?

He has one clean finger.

A woman who injected her 8-year-old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

Reports say the child didn't look surprised.

A friend I met online has a spider as pet, and he named it Feature. Weird, right?

Until he told me he is a software programmer.

A farmer and his wife live isolated from other people, but the wife is pregnant and now the farmer has to call the town's doctor

Unfortunately the farm has no electricity so the doctor asks the farmer to light up the room with a lantern so he could see what's he's doing. One after another, 5 children are born. The farmer tries to run away, terrified.


-Come back here, I think there's another baby, but I can't see an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Opinions are like assholes. Everyone has one

So, if you don't have one


You're full of shit.

KFC has asked scientists to edit the chicken genome.

They want something CRISPR.

Texas:

Where a virus has reproductive rights and a woman doesn’t.

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a penis walks into a bar,

So this penis walks into a bar, right? And the bartender says, “Why the fuck is there a giant walking penis in my place of business? What morbid Lovecraftian monstrosity is this, where a male sex organ has taken an anthropomorphic form and moved frictionlessly to my very own bar? What does this crea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s, long, hard, and has cum in it?

A cucumber, of course!

The guy who made autocorrect has died

Restoration in peace

Scientific Quacks say that water has memory...

If that is true than the water that was in my toilet must have severe PTSD.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man obsessed with trains finally steals one and immediately crashes it, killing several people...

At the trial, the man is found guilty of multiple murders and sentenced to death.

Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. The next day, he's led to the electric chair. They strap him in, pull the switch, and... nothing hap...

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.


The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am J...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm.

She said she doesnt want to disturb me while I'm at work.

My incarcerated cousin who has a stutter just died in jail

He didn't even get to finish his sentence

A man goes to Heaven and meets Jesus.

While Jesus is showing him round, he spots a broken clock. 
“What’s that there for?” he asks. 
Jesus says “that’s Mother Teresa’s clock it has never moved because she has never lied.”  
“Just over here is Abraham Lincoln’s clock. He lied twice, so it has moved twice.”  

“Where is Don...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has 6 balls and fucks all the poor people?

The lottery.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies." I said,

"Tell him, he's bloody good. I don't have any kids”

The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

"Can I help you?" the madam asked. "I want Natalie," the old man replied. "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else..." "No, I must see Natalie."

Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life with my wife has started degrading.

Guess it's time to Bury her corpse

What starts with E, ends with E, but only has one letter in it?

Envelope

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If porn has taught me one thing:

detention is not a punishment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman has a sore throat and asks for help

So a woman has a sore throat and asks for help from her coworker.

The coworker says "I have the best cure! Every time my throat hurts I just give my husband a blowjob and it heals"

The next day the woman goes to work with her sore throat healed.

Coworker asks "Did it work"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a woman who has sex with everyone?

I'm filling out my divorce documents

Doctor: sorry sir but your body has run out of magnesium

Me: 0mg

A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theatre. Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.

“Sir, you're only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?"

The man groans, but stays where he is. The usher becoming impatient with the man says "Sir, if you don't get up, I will need to get my manager involved"

Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher as he marches off t...

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, y...

Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, everything in my life has changed.

My phone number, my address, my name. Everything.

The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that

6 out of 10 people

Everyone has heard of the historical figure, Karl Marx

But no one remembers his sister, Onya, She invented the starting pistol.

Since it started snowing, all my grandma has done is stare through the window.

If it gets any worse ill need to let her back in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are three kindergartners; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. Which has the biggest boobs?

The blonde... she's 18.

Did you know that every zodiac sign has different hair?

Well, besides cancer.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the doctors and says he has something wrong with his penis...

... the doctor says “Ok, take off your clothes so I can do an examination”

The man does as he says and the doctor examines his penis

The doctor says “Sir, I’m afraid you need to stop masturbating”

The man says “Why?”

The doctor says “Because I need to do the examination”

My sister is taking part in a social experiment. She has to wear a “Boris is doing his best “ t-shirt for 2 weeks and see how people react. So far she’s been spit on, punched and had a bottle thrown at her!

I’m curious to see what happens when she goes outside.

A joke my 10yr old sister has been repeating five times a day: where do cows live?

Moo York.

My wife and I were arguing about who has better self control. "Clearly me," she says, "For example. I put a candy bar on my desk on Monday and it hasn't moved an inch"

"That's nothing!" I retorted. "All six times I ate it I put a new candy bar on your desk exactly where you left it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The owner of the sex shop sold some lingerie to my girlfriend that has zero sex appeal.

But the lingerie is decent.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father has a chat to his son saying…

“Son, if you masturbate too much, you will end up going blind”. The son says “Dad, I’m over here.”

Did you hear about that new Netflix series about a chemistry teacher that finds out he has cancer and secretly opens a bakery to provide for his family when he's gone?

It's called Baking Bread.

It turns out, 'Fox News' has no actual coverage of foxes.

I was also disappointed by BBC news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate broke his leg so I went to see him at home. I walked in and what do I see? He had two gorgeous older sisters, and they're TWINS ! I had never met them before, apparently they live at the uni and were visiting.

Anyway, so I went up to my friend's room, “How are you mate?”

“Yeah I’m okay. But do me a favour mate. Go fetch my socks from downstairs. My feet are freezing.” he tells me.

So I rushed downstairs and found his two sisters perched up on the couch, right where his socks lay.

I sa...

My 4-year-old nephew has been learning Spanish since lockdown.

He still can't say the word for "please" though, which I think is poor for four

Over half the deer in Michigan has contracted covid.

More proof that not only has this disease cost a few bucks, but also a lot of doe.

Atheism has a rubbish business model

It's non-prophet.

"Comrade Stalin! A fortune-teller has come to visit you!"

"Execute him. If he were a real fortune-teller, he wouldn't have come."

The Swordfish has no natural predators...

....Except the Penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

I just realized my apartment has a pretty good ceiling.

I mean...it’s not the best, but it’s up there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher has an activity for the class.

"I want all of you guys to go home and get your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it. You guys will come back tomorrow and share your stories." The children all nod their heads and agree. The next day, the teacher asks all the students to tell their stories. There are funny sto...

5 second rule. If it hasnt been 5 seconds no bacteria has been transferred.

So stop complaining ladies you could have gotten chlamydia.

What do you call a Pharaoh who has road rage?

Tootin' car man. (My friend swears she made up this joke so I'm pretty sure this is actual OC)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two butts and kills people?

an assassin

A woman has twins

and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Amal". The other goes to a family in Spain, who name him "Juan". Years later Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. He...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend of mine has an overly large schlong and will show his erection to anyone for five bucks.

I asked him why and he said he's hard up for cash.

Did you know that Stephen King has a son named Joe?

I'm not joking, but he is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend has a pussy like a mouse's ear.

Mickey's, unfortunately.

Which superhero has the ability to stop a moving car?

Peter *Parker*

You know, I think Nature has a humiliation kink

The worse we treat it, the hotter it gets.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees his doctor about terrible headaches he has had for most of his adult life.

The doctor isn’t sure what is going on, so arranges a scan. The scan comes back as normal, so the doctor refers the man to a neurologist who is also unable to find a cause though does offer some advice.

“I did meet one man who had similar headaches, the only thing that helped was having his t...

No guy has ever looked at a girl and thought…

She would be so hot if her eyelashes were longer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

Which artist has a brown finger?

Picasso

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced. “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!” The bartender inquired. “What makes you say that?” Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work..."

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink.

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My neighbor has been mad at his wife for sunbathing nude.

I, personally, am on the fence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man sits next to a young punk on a bench in the park (NSFW)

The punk has a mohawk 16 inches high and all different colors and the punk can just feel the old man staring at his hair. After a few minutes, the staring gets too much and the punk turns to the old man and says:

"What's the matter old man? Never did anything crazy before?"

The old man...

Lung cancer has done a real number on me; I don’t have long left. Doc said he’s going to get me a donor lung..

…but I’m not holding my breath.

Life has 3 levels of existence...

Pain and pleasure in the physical plane. Enlightenment in the spiritual plane. And no leg room in the air plane.

Nike has given its staff a week off for a mental health break.

Big tick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse is walking down the hall when another nurse stops her and asks what she has behind her ear.

She reaches back and pulls out a thermometer, rolling her eyes.
"God damnit, some Asshole's got my pen!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mother has the biggest boobs in the world

My mom always get raging mad whenever I mention that she has the world biggest boobs. She tells me that is improper to be introducing my two brothers to strangers like that and I should instead introduce them by their proper names.

The Russian Agency of Research and Automation has been commissioned by Putin to develop a new robot to make gloves for the pandemic that are superior to all others. They have named it in his honour.

RARA's grasp-Putin, Russia's greatest glove machine.

Twenty years from now, kids are gonna think "Baby it's cold outside" is really weird, and we're gonna have to explain that it has to be understood as a product of its time.

You see, it used to get cold outside

[Original] Which country has the 2nd fastest growing capital?

Ireland, it's Dublin and Dublin every year. But which country has the fastest growing capital?





Libya, it's Tripoli every year.

What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

My grandfather has a heart of a tiger.

He also has a lifetime ban at the zoo.

‌‌I w‌‌a‌‌s i‌‌‌‌n V‌‌enic‌‌e B‌‌eac‌‌h i‌‌‌‌n J‌‌anuar‌‌y a‌‌n‌‌d t‌‌her‌‌e w‌‌a‌‌s a‌‌‌‌ h‌‌omeles‌‌s m‌‌a‌‌n w‌‌it‌‌h a‌‌‌‌ s‌‌ig‌‌n t‌‌ha‌‌t s‌‌ai‌‌d "‌‌‌‌1 d‌‌olla‌‌r f‌‌o‌‌r d‌‌irt‌‌y j‌‌oke."

Seeme‌‌d l‌‌ik‌‌e a‌‌‌‌ g‌‌oo‌‌d i‌‌nvestmen‌‌t t‌‌‌‌o m‌‌‌‌e s‌‌‌‌o I‌‌‌‌ g‌‌ladl‌‌y h‌‌ande‌‌d o‌‌ve‌‌r a‌‌‌‌ d‌‌ollar.

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌Alrigh‌‌t s‌‌i‌‌r w‌‌hat‌‌s y‌‌ou‌‌r n‌‌ame?"

Me‌‌: "‌‌Bobby"

Homeles‌‌s m‌‌an‌‌: "‌‌S‌‌o Bobby, t‌‌her‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌lac‌‌k r‌‌ooste‌‌...

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

My 90 year old neighbor has Alzheimer's

And every morning when i wake up he's in a panic knocking at my door asking if I'd seen his wife, and every day i am forced to remind him that she has been dead for over 10 years...

Honestly i could just move, the house isn't too great, and I've had many opportunities to live in better plac...

My sister came up with this. What begins with a P, ends with an E and has a million letters in it

Post office

Where does a horse go when it gets sick?

The horse-pital!

Ha ha, just kidding. It goes behind the shed

Patient: Doctor, doctor, my DNA has been reversed.

Doctor: AND?

An engineer dies and goes to hell

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and uncle...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

The school called a woman and told her: "Your son has been telling lies"

"You're right", she replied, "I don't have any kids."

The government has developed machines that will pick litter up from the beach.

I saw one the other day, but unfortunately it was malfunctioning and was grabbing birds off the shoreline instead.

I thought "Well, that took a tern."

A new Navy recruit has his first day on the submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

An old man walks into a bar. He apologises to the barman, he has no money.

But, if he were allowed to entertain the clientele, maybe the barman could give him a drink on the house. The barman tells him go ahead.

The old man reaches into a bag beside him and takes out harmonica, then a tin box and finally a duck.

He places the box on the floor, the duck on t...

Did you know that when a shark has a stroke...

it can smell toast from up to fifty miles away?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Through a poorly-worded genie wish, a man now has a 20-inch-long penis.

While the bragging rights were good for a few days, the man soon realizes that his dick is uncomfortable and unusable, and he must find a solution. He begins asking the local enchanters and witches if they have any suggestions, and finally gets a lead that the enchanted forest over yonder is home to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?

A shi'talkin mushroom

What do you call a man who has finished digging?

Doug

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy with no arms walks into a bathroom….

So there’s a guy washing his hands and the guy with no arms says “hey man I’m a lil embarrassed, do you think you could help me out.” So he says sure, unzips the guys pants for him pulls his wiener out for him and it’s just the grossest most disgusting thing he’s ever seen, it’s all red and has open...

Aunt Millie's secret recipe has been stolen by Sara Lee's brother.

Alleged Lee.

Stalin is giving a speech, and someone sneezes.

Stalin looks up from his notes and says, "Who sneezed?" No-one says anything.

Stalin has the first row taken away by KGB to be shot. "Who sneezed?" he asks again. No-one says anything. He has the second row of the audience taken away by the KGB to be shot.

"Comrade Stalin, I sneezed!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pornhub now has a category for Coronavirus videos

It's for sick fucks.

I've come to learn that every groupchat has a separate, smaller groupchat, just without the annoying people.

If you think yours doesn't, then i have some bad news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farm boy took his pet duck and got in his pickup to go to the movin’ picture show in town.

He walked up to the ticket booth with his duck under his arm to buy a ticket, but the girl said, “sir, you can’t bring that bird in here”.

The country boy tries to explain ’bout how the duck is a housebroken pet, but the girl says, “SIR, I’m sorry but you can’t bring that animal into the thea...

One eyed guy goes fishing without any word or notice to his wife. Has a great trip, comes home sunburnt with a cooler full of fish fillets. Wife meets him at the door, screaming, "HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T SEE ME FOR TWO DAYS?!". Guy answers without thinking, "That'd be freakin' GREAT!".

So the rest of that night, he doesn't see her. Next day, doesn't see her. Third day? He finally sees her.

She says "So, smart ass? How was that?"

.

.

.

He says, "Punch me again, it was better when I was all swollen and couldn't see you."

A new strain of head lice has been discovered which is resistant to conventional treatments.

That has left scientists scratching their heads.

If I could describe all the horrible things that a lifetime of inhaling paint has done to me in one word, ...

... that word would be brain damage.

What do you call it when a racehorse has diarrhea?

The trots!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has been disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy - and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

Post Malone has started his own Student Loan Company

It's called "Post Malone's Post Pone Ma Loans"

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

As I thought, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens....

Trump has done in 4 years what 80% of presidents fail to do in 8 years

Lose an election.

For past 10 years my wife has been complaining to me about not putting the cap back on the toothpaste...

On our anniversary, I decided to change this bad habit and make my wife happy.
For a week I was diligent, always capping the toothpaste.
I was expecting my wife to thank me, but she never did it.
Finally, last night she turned and looked at me and said:
Why did you stop brushing your te...

Private Jones’ mother has died.

A Captain calls in the Sergeant. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother has died. Better go tell him and send him to see me.”

The Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.

“Listen up, men!” he says. “Johnson, step out and report to the mess...

During WWII a badly injured British pilot has to bail out over occupied France.

He's found, in very bad shape, and transferred to the medical wing of a German prisoner of war camp. After a week, the doctors tell him that the infection in his left leg means they're going to have to amputate. "OK," says the airman. "Just, if you would, do me one favour. Drop the leg over my airba...

Hacker sent me an email that he has hacked into my computer.

I said "prove it" and he sent me the username and password of my email, bank and social media accounts.

I replied "Thank you, that was the easiest Forgot Password process I have ever come across".

Someone always has to ruin it

Three friends stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish.

“I want to go home,” says the first friend. The genie grants her wish.

“I want to go home, too,” says the second friend. And the genie sends her back home.
<...

Did you know that Brian May, the guitarist from British rockband Queen, has a PhD on Astrophysics?

Yeah, he started his schooling before Queen formed, and achieved his PhD in 2007. One of his dissertations is heavily criticized by the science community though, and it's because he has an odd theory of what causes the Earth's rotation.

You see, he thinks that 'Fat Bottomed Girls make the Roc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"G'Day mate, Aussie help line here..........What's the problem,.... Cobber?"

"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now her pussy has completely closed up."



"Bummer, mate...!!!"



"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that. Bye."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man dies an goes to Hell. The devil shows him around and tells him he has to pick his forever torture

They check out the different options. The devil explains to him that he only gets to view three choices and once he chooses, he can't change his mind.

The devil shows him the first room in which there is a group of people pushing a very large crank and being whipped at the same time with no b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Buys His Wife A Special Type Of Dildo

A man was looking around a sex store searching for a special sex toy to buy his wife so that she won't screw around on him while he is away on a business trip for a few weeks.

After not finding anything special he asks the old man working the store.

The old man replies "Well there is...

Do you think Mr. Cheese has been going to the gym?

I mean look at him, he's shredded!

Archangel Michael has just created a duck-goose with giant teeth and wants to show his magnificent creation to God.

He comes to God's presence and says: "look what beauty I made, I'm just not sure where to put it"
God thinks for a moment and says: "how about you put it in Australia with all the other nonsense you've created."

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The vagina has more than 8000 nerve endings

But it’s still not nearly as sensitive as Reddit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are all friends

Naturally, their mothers are blonde, brunette, and redheaded as well, and the ladies are chatting while their teenage daughters are hanging out in the other room.

The brunette says with a devilish grin, "Hey, let's look through the girls' purses and see what they're hiding from us." She...

All this WFH time has led to a surprising discovery: I do my best work in the kitchen.

I'm counterproductive.

A poor Jewish tailor has a son...

So he goes to see the mohel and tells him, "My son must be circumcised, but I have no money to pay you."
After thinking for a moment, the mohel gets a huge jar from his shelf and gives it to the tailor. "For all my years as a mohel, I haven't known what to do with all the foreskins, so I put the...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.