A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

‌‌I use‌‌d t‌‌o thin‌‌k al‌‌l blac‌‌k peopl‌‌e ha‌‌d boomboxes.

Turne‌‌d ou‌‌t i‌‌t wa‌‌s jus‌‌t ‌‌a stere‌‌o type.

So, now that antifa has been declared a terrorist organization...

...when will the U.S. government start arming them?

My friend Ty came first in the Beijing marathon 5 years ago, but still has not been awarded a gold medal.

China refuses to acknowledge Ty won.

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?

Beer nuts are always over a dollar, deer nuts are always under a buck.

Goofy, I know, but still makes me laugh 20 years after I first heard it!

ETA: GUYS! Thanks so much for the upvotes, I've never had so many! Y'all made my night!

William Shatner has discontinued his new line of lingerie.

Apparently, Shatner panties wasn’t the best choice for a name.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tells his friend, "I know a guy who has a small dick and sounds like an owl."

His friend asks, "Who?"

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

Who has two thumbs and isn't afraid of the Chinese Government? This guy.

Edit: 1 thumb

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?

I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

My wife has evil lessons with Satan every week.

I don’t know how much she charges,

My horse has insomnia and keeps every one awake.

She's a nightmare

Ha! You were expecting a well thought out Joke! But no...

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!

r/jokes Has 18 Million subscribers!

It's amazing what 7 jokes can do

A Chinese lawyer decides to go into the hospital business and has a sign outside of his practice that says, “GET CURED PAY 50 DOLLARS, UNCURED I PAY YOU 1000 DOLLARS”

A lawyer sees this sign and thinks it is a good way to get some money. He goes to the doctor and says, “help, I have lost my sense of taste”

the doctor says, ”OK, the Moutai will cure this”

the lawyer says, “ugh, this is kerosene”

”congrats, your sense of taste is restored. give...

The government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquility and normality following the recent pandemic.

Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

I’m sure my wife has been putting glue on my weapons collection.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my guns

What kind of award do you give someone who has not moved a muscle in over a year?

A trophy.

What's 200 yards long and has an IQ of 40?

The queue to buy toilet paper at Walmart.

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A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.

Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning.

After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out ...

If a man has 1,000 bees, then you should marry him right away.

Trust me, he's a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange

:Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. It was revoked when I got my 5th DWI.

Officer: May I see the registration for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of...

So, A Pirate goes to the bar and he has a Steering Wheel sticking out of his Crotch

So the Bar tender says “Hey man, whats with the wheel?”

so the Pirate tells him “Arrrr, its Drivin’ me nuts!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex, so naturally, she agrees and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says...

"Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?"


Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife shoulder and a...

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face. The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, 60, who died of heart failure while making love to his mistress, hence the enormous smile." says the coroner.

"Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won a thousand dollars in the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."
...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms ...

What do you call a beehive that has no exits?

Un-bee-leavable

The quarantine has ruined many marriages but mine is still going strong.

Just the other day I woke up to my beautiful and loving wife holding a pillow tightly over my face to protect me from the coronavirus.

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Tim has been dating his girlfriend for months, but he was never able to get her to orgasm...

He tried everything. Different positions, speeds, different lubes, even different music playing in the background. Nothing worked. Finally, she complains that she's just too hot during sex, and being all sweaty kills the mood.

So not having an electric fan to cool them down, Tim invites his ...

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The guy decides that maybe he'd like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around, he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says out loud, "Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."

"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me!"

"I understood every word," says the pa...

What did the cop do when he showed up to the protest?

Beats me.

I was in a long McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me leaned on her horn because I was taking too long to place my order.

“Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own.

The cashier must have told her what I'd done because as we moved up she leaned out her window and waved to me and mouthed "Thank you.", obviously embarrassed that I had rep...

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My wife said sex has become a chore.

So for mothers day I've hired her some help.

Donald J. Trump has been impeached

Finally, something he's earned

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India has decided to boycott Chinese products on all fronts to protest the latter's stand on disputed territories and their failure to inform India on the Coronavirus.

Meanwhile, Chinese textile mills are rolling out an all-new clothing line: "Boycott China" and are anticipating great demand from India.

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Three young friends, seeking a fortune, adventure together to Egypt where a new pyramid has been discovered.

Upon arriving at the pyramid, they are immediately told to leave as the site has already been excavated. The friends, not willing to concede, look for a different way in and find an entrance never before used.

It is through this entrance that they find a secret passage way, one that is made a...

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My wife has finally agreed to anal tonight, but I have just one question...

What's a strap on?

Has anyone been skydiving without a parachute?

It’s meant to be a once in a lifetime experience.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

A father notices his son has a lot of new toys lately

he asks the boy how come he can afford them.

son: "Because of my hiking."

dad: "Hiking?, how do you get money by hiking?"

son: "There's this man that comes to visit mum a couple of times a week, while you're at work, he always gives me $10 and tells me to take a hike."

I went to Home Depot and a guy walked up and asked,

"Can I help you with anything?" I said, "I'm looking to buy a table saw." He said "Do you have a particular model in mind?" and I said, "Well yeah, Kathy Ireland, but for now let's talk about a table saw."

This joke has no punch line

But you might get a kick out of it

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

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A recent scam has popped up involving a prostitute, a bit of cocaine and a kitchen appliance

People have been falling for it, hooker, line and sink.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

Tw‌‌o wive‌‌s went ou‌‌t fo‌‌r girls‌‌' night.

Bot‌‌h go‌‌t drunk‌‌, starte‌‌d walkin‌‌g hom‌‌e an‌‌d ha‌‌d t‌‌o g‌‌o t‌‌o th‌‌e bathroom‌‌. The‌‌y stoppe‌‌d a‌‌t ‌‌a cemeter‌‌y bu‌‌t ha‌‌d nothin‌‌g t‌‌o wip‌‌e with‌‌. On‌‌e use‌‌d he‌‌r pantie‌‌s an‌‌d th‌‌e othe‌‌r grabbe‌‌d ‌‌a wreat‌‌h of‌‌f ‌‌a grave‌‌.

Th‌‌e nex‌‌t morning‌‌, on‌‌e...

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

What has 12 Legs, 12 hands and 12 Eyes?

12 Pirates

What's that Italian dessert called where you pour espresso coffee over ice cream?

Everyone I ask can't remember either.

I searched Reddit and this joke hasn't been posted.

USPS came out with a Donald Trump stamp. They were Yugely popular at first, but suddenly went out of circulation, because they wont stick to the envelopes.

This enraged the president, and he demanded a full investigation, blamed the democrats and JINA and the lame-stream media.


<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What has two butts and kills people?

An assassin.

What starts with 'e' and ends with 'e' and only has one letter in it?

envelope

A man on a tractor has just driven past me yelling "the end of the world is nigh"

I think it was Farmer Geddon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

MEN'S HELP LINE - Letter of the Month

Hi John,

I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes h...

What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Finally, i before e except after c has been disproven

by science

Coronavirus has been copying the Black Death

Plaguearism

The man who invented the remote control has died age 96.

He was found down the back of the sofa.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

It must really suck being a ghost who has to haunt the oceans

You gotta go through a lot of hard ships just to do your job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19

This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.

What's six feet tall and has an enormous dong?

The liberty bell.

This just in: Due to panic buying, Walmart has decided to open up a 2nd register.

Dire times indeed.

I suspect my daughter has been wetting the bed and keeping it a secret

She’s innocent until ruined quilty

What rock group has 4 members that can't sing?

Mount Rushmore

How do Americans policemen change a light bulb?

They beat the room because it’s black

There has been a lot of fake news going on about the Camadian prime minister lately

Some of it is Trudeau

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

What has two legs and bleeds?

Half dog

Anyone who’s last name is King has royal blood pumping through their veins including me...

I am Joe King.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

What has 4 legs, 1 arm, and 2 heads?

My freezer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me to fuck her like a man.

So I stuck it in her ass and said, "Yeah, you like that Alan."

The NYPD is reporting that Antifa has painted convincing-looking tunnels on walls to trick New York's Finest into running into them at high speed

They're calling it "operation meep-meep"

Three people are stranded in the desert. One has a canteen, another has a flare gun, and the last one has a car door.

They ask the first person, "Why did you bring a canteen?"

The first person responds, "So we can fill it up with water and use it to drink."

They ask the second person, "Why did you bring a flare gun?"

The second person responds, "So I can send a distress signal and someone can f...

These days America has a lot in common with my wife's legs,

I'm dying for them to reopen.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption

One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mother. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, ...

I made a playlist for hiking that has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries and Eminem...

It's my Trail Mix...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Medusa has to be the sexiest woman in history

I mean one glance and you're hard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.

Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world‘s leading supplier of bullshit.

A new Navy recruit has his first day on a submarine...

He speaks with the officer, who assigns him his post.

"Go stand at the periscope entry-way, and make sure no unauthorized personnel touch the periscope."

The recruit follows orders, and stands by the periscope. After 15 minutes, the officer stops by.

"Son I'm changing your post ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guys at a bar when he sees on TV that a doctor has cured cancer.

The man says "wow, that's amazing this will have so many effects on the medical and scientific fields. I wonder when they're gonna start using that drug to help those with cancer?" His friend next to him says "man I hope never" the man looks at him and says "why's that?" The friend replies saying "w...

Donald Trump's brain has two parts.

The right part and the left part but,

The right part has nothing left.
The left part has nothing right.

My local hockey rink just reported their Zamboni driver has gone missing...

They hope he resurfaces soon.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is long and thick and has cum in the middle?

A cucumber

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital.

He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

"Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest.

"No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward."

What has two wings and a halo?

A Chinese telephone.

What US state has the smallest soft drinks?

Mini-Soda.

What did the woodcutter say before getting killed by his son?

"I never expected this tree-son"

I walked past a homeless guy with a sign that read, "One day, this could be you"

I put my money back in my pocket, just in case he's right.

What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

Michigan has updated their social distancing guidelines

Residents are now asked to stay one oars-length away from one another.

No one in Antarctica has Covid 19

It's because they are Ice-O-Lated

My sewing instructor just told me that I am the absolute worst student she has ever had...

Oooops! Wrong thread...

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"C...

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Mrs. Clarke has been in a coma for 18 months..

A nurse is giving Mrs. Clarke a wash when she notices that the patient moves a little when she washes her genitals.

Again the nurse brushes over her genitals with a cloth and again Mrs. Clarke, disturbs gently.

The nurse calls the patients husband and he immediately goes to the hospi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy has a massive headache and its not responsive to any medication.

After doctors researching whats wrong with him for months they finally cone to conclusion. They called the guy and deliver the news. Doctor says;

-Its good news, found the problem.

-What is it doc?

-We need to remove your penis.

Guy looks sad. But after some consideration...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

In case you didn't know, Yoda has a last name...

It's Layheehoo

My daughter has a habit of checking for letters before coming home.

"How many letters are there in the letterbox today?"

"DAD! I'm sick of you always telling me there are 9 letters!"

I just found out that my friend has a secret life as a priest.

It’s his altar ego.

What type of bagels can fly?

Plane bagels

My wife just told me she has the body of a teenager.

I guess she found out about me and the babysitter.

A Scotsman, carrying a huge suitcase, has been riding a London bus for five miles along its route, all the while attempting to avoid the ticket collector. Finally, the conductor manages to corner him and tells him to pay up.

"You've been on for five miles--that'll be 50p, please, and 10p for your suitcase." The Scotsman responds, "I ha'not, I want a ha'penny fare, just got on this vera moment."

They begin to argue, and the ticket collector becomes more and more enraged, and finally, as the bus is passing over Lon...

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Doctor Dave has sex with one of his patients...

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it....

The MC at an Irish wedding made a toast. "Can all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made their lives meaningful".

...The bartender was subsequently crushed to death.

A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.

He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world.


He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc.


So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

It’s ironic that Gordon Ramsay has so many kids….

Because he doesn’t serve raw meat

Did you hear about the Pokemon that has Covid-19?

It was Koffing.

A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.

His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded

"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant busi...

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Little Susie goes to church every Sunday, but she has trouble staying awake during class...

Little Johnny sits behind her, and one day a nun comes up to Susie and asks her,

“What is the name of out lord and savior?”

Little Johnny pokes Susie in the back with a stick to wake her up, she jolts up and yells

“Jesus Christ!”

“Very good Susie.”

She falls back a...

My friend has been injecting disinfectant since that advice was given out...

He got addicted to it and has been working hard to kick the habit. You’ll be glad to hear he is clean now.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has a sexual toy with animal armour on it

It's an armadildo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s hard, 12 inches long and has cum in it?

Cucumber. You fucking perverts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What goes Ha Ha Plop Plop?

A lepper laughing his balls off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a crying woman by a pond. She is in a wheelchair and has no arms or legs.

He asks her why she is crying and she answers that she has never been hugged. Feeling pity, he hugs her then jogs away.


The next day he finds her crying again and she says she has never been kissed. The man kisses her and jogs away again.

On the third day the man sees her cryin...

Uncle Ben has died.

That’s it, no more Mr. Rice Guy!

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:
 
"I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees: "You're right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don't know anything about science, I could give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this farmer, and he has this pig...

A prize winning sow, and he wants to breed her. His neighbor tells the farmer he has a stud pig, he'd be happy to accommodate. Guaranteed impregnation, the neighbor assures him. The farmer agrees.

The next morning the farmer loads the pig into his truck, drives her up the road to the neighbor...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pierre, a French pilot of WW1 took leave in Paris and went out to sample the nightlife. He has a great night of song and wine and he meets a young lady, who he invites back to his apartment.

The excited pair walk back through the tree lined boulevards and on the way, Pierre drops in to a shop to purchase a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white wine, a bottle of brandy and a box of matches.

When they reach the apartment they waste no time in stripping off and fall passionately ont...

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What amusement park ride has a lot of iron?

The ferous wheel.

Year 2020 has a bad sense of humour.

We joke about it getting worse and it takes it seriously.

What has one eye, is round and is usually hung?

A dartboard.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke, “Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.”

“I know, Father. In fact, I don’t think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.”

“I agree,” says the Fa...

My wife said I am the only one she has ever been with.

She said the others were at least sixes or sevens.

What is a kidnappers favorite type of shoe?

White Vans.

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

My flatmate is a drummer and his practicing has been getting on my nerves

I told him that if he didn't stop, there'd be repercussions.

What has mass and occupies space

a fat Catholic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Forgive me, but my favorite all time joke is.

Little Johnny's curious so he asks his mom, "mom, what's a pussy?"

She gets mad and asks him where he heard that word.

J: "The boys at school were saying it"

M: "Well don't let me catch you repeating it but a pussy is a cat."

J: "What's a bitch?"

M: " Them bo...

It has been a year since Notre Dame burned down and they still do not know how it started,

but Quasimodo has a hunch...

This news just in: The worlds tallest man has lost a fight with a storm.

In my opinion he shouldn’t have let the lightning strike first.

So as predicted the economic crisis has hit my local area and all attention has turned to the hardship caused to small business. Its been a simply disastrous start to the week.....

Our bra manufacturer has gone bust.

The specialist in submersibles has gone under.

A dog kennel has had to call in the retrievers.

The suppliers of paper for origami enthusiasts has folded.

The Heinz factory has been canned as they couldn’t ketchup with orders.

A t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My bodies digestive system has been backed up for some time

My body isn't giving a shit

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

A man takes his wife to get tested

Several days go by, and he receives a call from the doctor.

The doctor tells him, “Due to an unfortunate mixup with the lab, we are not sure of your wife has Covid-19 or Alzheimer’

The man, clearly frustrated, asks, “Well what am I supposed to do with that kind of information?”
...

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been determined, the most used sexual position for married couples is the doggie position...

The husband sits up and begs.


The wife rolls over and plays dead.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy walks in to a bar. Has a story to tell.

He's sat at his local, looking kind of miserable. The barman says "Hey, how ya doin'? You don't look so good ...". The guy replies "Last night ... Last night was the worst night of my life."

"Oh really?" says the barkeep, "How bad can it be?"

So the guy tells his story:

...

A guy goes to the doctor and gets diagnosed with yellow 158 he is told he has a week to live. His wife asks him what he would like to do. He says he would like to go to the bingo as hes never tried it. His wife says ok darling if thats your wish.

First game he plays he gets house and wins a large sum of money and an entertainment system. Wins house in second game and wins a new car. The next day he visits the bingo again and wins house again and the same the next day. On his next visit he wins again and the speaker asks him up to the microph...

What building in your town has the most stories?

The public library.

A man goes to the doctor and finds out he only has three months to live...

He says, "but Doc...three months isn't enough TIME!"

The doctor pauses and thinks. Then he says, "Stay home every day, all day long with your wife and kids - no office, restaurtants, movies, or shopping...and only leave the house once a week for groceries...."



"Trust me, it wi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist because he has an obsession with taking his pants and underwear off in public.

After contemplation, the therapist says:

“Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts”

A man has been stealing wheels off of police cars

Police are working tirelessly to catch him

Husband: I heard a rumor that the mailman has slept with every single woman on our street except one.

Wife: I bet it's that snooty Priscilla Jones in Number 7.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife has a really weird fetish

She likes to dress up as herself, and then be a complete bitch all the time.

What do you call a house that has your back?

A homie :)

(came up with this and i’m so proud of it)

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