Why did the cannibal bring his silverware to the comedy club?

He heard there would be an open Mike.

What’s better than good silverware?

Good silver here.

Wedding anniversary gifts can be pricey: 5 year celebration gift is Silverware, 15 years are Rubies and Pearls are 30. Now, at 31 years there is finally one I can get behind,

we're going to Baskin-Robbins.

A Scotsman just offered to give me a box of silverware and a case of Wrigley's

So I said "I can take your knives, but I'll never take your free gum"

I was going to donate my silverware to Goodwill today, but the wife already gave them to a friend.

I have no more forks left to give.

Recently, while traveling, I came upon a fork in the road.

Then a nearby cop arrested me. I should've known better than to satisfy my silverware fetish in public.

Everyone knows Hillary took silverware, but what did Bill Clinton get from the Oval Office?

One night stand.

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I was helping my family to clean up after dinner today.

I walked into the kitchen to put some things away. I had some used silverware in one hand, and a tub of butter, a bag of cheese, and a pouch of sour cream in the other. I approached the sink to put the silverware inside when I accidentally dropped the tub of butter on the ground. My sister, who was ...

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Why did the guy who sat on silverware lose his friends?

Because he became a fork-in-asshole

Anyone got a fork and a plate?

Reddit handed me a slice o cake, but 2hrs til it expires and they left me without silverware and fine china needed to enjoy it :(

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

A city boy comes to visit his grandparents on their farm and spend the night.

It's been years since they last saw him, and over dinner they reminisce the times that he came to visit over the summer as a kid. Most of the stories Grandpa brought up were about his grandson's dumb attempts to help out.

"Why, I remember when you said you could feed the chickens and gave the...

A man goes to a restaurant

He orders the soup.

The waiter brings him the soup.

After a few min he flagges the waiter down.

"Is there something wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"

"let me get the manager"

The manager comes over

"What is wrong sir?"

"I can't eat this soup"...

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A difficult marriage.

A husband and wife were having marital struggles due to constant disagreements and an imbalance in responsibilities. The husband would come home from work and yell at his wife for not having dinner ready. The wife would yell at the husband for ignoring all the cleaning she's done when he tracked his...

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A man goes into a fancy restaurant

When he gets to his table he sees that they have gold plate and says
"wow this restaurant has gold plates how fancy."
Then he sees that they also have gold silverware and says
"Wow they also have gold silverware how fancy."
After that he goes to the bathroom and sees they also have gold...

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[NSFW]After a round of golf...

a guy heads back to the club house. There, he sees a beautiful, blonde, big breasted woman, and naturally, he heads over to flirt with her. They hit it off, and decide to play a round together.

He is doing his best to impress, but she cleans his clock, winning by 9 strokes. Embarrassed, his m...

Clever mother

A woman goes to her son's house for dinner with his "roommate"
Throughout dinner he bends over backwards to point out how they're roommates, sleeping in separate bedrooms etc
They have a delicious dinner with the best silverware and then she heads home
He's cleaning up and sees that a ser...

A comedian was on vacation in London.

A comedian was on a vacation in London when he came across a large crowd. He pushed and squeezed his way past the ocean of people and saw the Royal Family who were on their way to have lunch. As he takes out his phone to snap a photo, he saw from the corner of his eye a shady man pushing past the cr...

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

The fallen spoon

A man and his wife are sitting at a restaurant, eating their soup, when he suddenly drops his spoon. A waiter, who was just passing by, quickly picks it up, takes a spoon from his pocket and hands it to the customer.

Quite unsurprisingly, the man looks at the waiter in confusion. "Oh, don't b...

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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

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Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.

Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.

"Oh my god!" says the guy.

"Wow," says the woman. "I...

The Diner's Challenge

A connoisseur is looking for new restaurants to visit and notices one that promises to be able to serve the meat of any animal. He thinks it's a hoax but decides to give it a try anyway.

He enters the restaurant and is seated at a table with fine white tablecloth and expensive-looking silverw...

So there's a box of cheerios...

Inside the box of cereal, it's like a cereal city, and there are three layers:

1. The top layer - this is the best place for the cheerios to live. All the best houses, the best cars, the best restaurants, etc, are in this part of the box. The ritziest cheerios live here, and everything is ex...

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EA to donate 50% of profits from future titles to starving children around the world.

After they make them purchase the postage, packing materials, fuel for the planes, silverware, plates, drinking cups, seasonings, construct hand out facilities, eating establishments, refuse disposal, environmental studies on said refuse disposal, labor costs and finally any and all expenses from F...

Two spoons...

A man and his wife were seated in a restaurant, when the man noticed that all the waiters carried two spoons in their vest pocket.


Curious, the man asked their waiter the reason for this.


"Well, sir," the waiter explained, "an efficiency study conducted by the management deter...

The wife and I mixed it up a bit last night...

We washed the silverware BEFORE the dishes!

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The Pope plans to visit a monastery..

..and upon hearing this news, a monk decides to go down to the lake to catch a fish for the Pope's dinner.

He catches a fish called a Sumbitch.

He walks back to the monastery with the Sumbitch and hands it to another monk in the kitchen; "Clean this Sumbitch for the Pope's dinner, wi...

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Food and Country

Yesterday I was so Hungary, I decided to Czech if there was any food.
I was Russian to the fridge, but found only a Turkey full of Greece.
Iran to the store to get some salt, pepper, Chile and Korea-nder, because I was in the mood for some Sweden sour.
I found Iraq of pork chops but there w...

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Dishes

Wanting a more adventurous life, Frank decides to buy a Harley Davidson. So he goes to a local Harley dealer to have him informed about the different types.

When he get's to the dealer he immediately spots a beautiful Fat Boy with everything he could ever hoped for, beautiful chrome tailpipes...

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The Golden Tong

A young couple decided to try the new Chinese restaurant in town called "The Golden Tong". After being seated the waiter comes by with a tray of cups, he takes a pair of golden tongs and picks up each cup and places it front of them. Then he uses the tongs to pick up the tea pot and our them each a ...

A woman was baking a cake...

When she heard the oven timer go off, she turned to her daughter, and asked her to check to see if the cake was done.

"I don't know how to check," the girl replied.

"Well," said the mother, "you take the cake out of the oven, and stick a knife in the center. If the knife comes out clea...

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A turtle and his girlfriend leave the house for a picnic.

They walk for a hour before finding the perfect spot. They begin unpacking their picnic basket and soon realize they have all the food but forgot their dishes and silverware.


"You should go get them," says the girl.

"Are you kidding me? It took us forever to get here. Let's just d...

How do the Chinese name their children

They drop silverware in the sink and listen to the sound it makes

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