Timer Jokes - 102 Hilarious Timer Jokes

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Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop where an old-timer is having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his bill and leaves.

“Not much of a man, was he?” s...

Does anyone else set the timer two minutes early when baking

Just to hear your wife scream like the house is on fire 30 seconds after the buzzer goes off while you sit calmly on the couch?

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out go...

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When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend was cooking breakfast in nothing than a T-shirt... ...when I came downstairs, she told me she needed me to have sex with her right away...

Needless to say I was thrilled, so we did it right there in the kitchen...

...she immediately went back to cooking... we didn't usually do stuff like that, so I hesitantly asked, "so...what was that all about?"

She said, "I had 5 minutes left on the casserole, but the timer broke."

Why is a timer like a scale?

They both measure wait.

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Old Timers

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'

Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'H...

Rabbit in the fridge (only for old-timers)

A man went into the kitchen to make breakfast and was shocked to see a rabbit sitting inside his refrigerator.

He yelled "Hey! What are you doing in there?!"
The rabbit asked back "Well this refrigerator is a Westinghouse, right?"
"I guess... What difference does that make?"
"I...

First-timer at the nudist colony

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and
starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde
walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for...

The two old-timers...

...were having a chat over the back fence.

"You know, Chester," said one, "you should invest in some heavier curtains for your bedroom window."

"Why's that, Clem?"

"Because the ones you have now are kinda transparent. In fact, last night I could see you making love ...

This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!" My eyes lit up and I thought, "This is my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn't waste any time at all, I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!

Afterwards she said, "Thanks." and returned to the stove.

More than a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She giggled, "The egg timer's broken."

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My Fathers favourite old-timer joke to honour him.

An elderly woman hadn’t been to the doctor in a very long time. Her husband said to his wife that she should make an appointment for a check up. She made the appointment and went to the doctor. Afterwards, she came home and the husband asked what the doctor said. She replied that the doctor needed a...

You're an old-timer if you can remember when setting the world on fire.

was a figure of speech.

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A modest country joke [OC]

I once visited a small town. It was a country town. I asked the locals "What is there to do around here?" One of the old timers said "Well, we have a brothel."

So I went to the brothel and asked "how much does it cost?" They answered "Well, these are simple country girls, it costs a chicken f...

Long:Two old timers go ice fishing…

Two old timers, Lou and Mel, go ice fishing. They each compete against each other and so they dril ltheir holes in the ice exactly 50ft apart. Set up their chairs, drop their lines in, pour some coffee from their thermoses and wait for a bite. A young man comes along and sets up exactly between the...

Even a broken bomb timer is right once

Then never again

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First timer

A guy goes into the bar and orders 6 tequilas. The bartender sets em up and he quickly knocks them back 1 by 1. The bartender says "What are you celebrating?" The guy says "I got my first Blow job today!" The bartender says "Congratulations! Have a drink on the house!" The guy says No that's OK...if...

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first timer questions.

One day, a guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have before we hit the ground?

Our instructor looked at him and in a perfect deadpan voice, answered, "The rest of your life."

Old timers

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man get...

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First timer

Son comes back home at night
Dad is waiting for him and asks:
- where have u been so late!!??
- dad I just lost my virginity!
- ohh...I'm so proud of you... have a cigar, whiskey, sit down and tell me everything
- ok I'll take a cigar and whiskey but I won't sit down.

My girlfriend's such a bad cook,

she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

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3 Old-timers Were Discussing Problems of Old Age

The first one had urinary problems and said “It’s really terrible because I’m always
having to get up in the middle of the night to pee..and then other nights I need to pee
but nothing comes out. I’d give anything to just be able to pee normally.”

The second guy had elimination issues....

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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Is it the first line or the punchline that goes here?

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the fastest gunfighter in the world.

He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn't yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong.

Sitting in a saloo...

It seems like timers are always ticked off.

To be fair they are constantly getting wound up.

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The old guy at an old-timer's dance

There's this really old guy at an old-timer's dance, and the problem is that he hasn't scored any sex for a long time. He'd been dancing with all the grandmas all night, but still hadn't got any action.

Frustrated, he approached an old grandma and said "I'm having no luck scoring a woman. H...

Two old timers in a retirement home are reminiscing...

Two old timers in a retirement home are reminiscing of the good old days, when they come to realise that they haven't been with women for a long time. So they decide to go and visit the nearest brothel.

When they arrive, they ask the pimp to find them the best hookers they've got. The pimp t...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a...

Garbage can

An old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school.

He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came dow...

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replie...

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Working on an oil rig

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly a...

Husband and wife are in bed one night...

when the doorbell rings. The wife says "I'll get it" and goes downstairs and opens the door and it's the next door neighbor. Neighbor whispers "look, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you just open your robe for me..." so the woman shrugs and opens her robe for a few seconds and the neighbor smiles a...

I want a sand timer with ground spices instead of sand

That way when it starts to run out I can say, "Oh no, I'm running out of Thyme!"

The old man's pool

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm, there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer d...

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Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation

"Much nicer than the boys"

What do job hunting and incels have in common?

They both expect years of experience from a first timer.

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

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A newcomer notices a barrel in town with a hole in the side and a long line to stand in front of it...

It's a small town, pretty isolated, and a little rough but the citizens all seem friendly. When the person asks "why are so many people waiting to stand in front of the barrel?", an old-timer tells them to wait in line and find out.

Sure enough, the newcomer waits their turn and after about 4...

IT dad jokes, anyone?

An old timer IT guy was asked to help one of his clients add a new printer. When he arrived on location, he jumped on the client’s computer and then asked what type of printer it was so he could find it.

The customer frowned, scratched his head, and said “I think it’s a Brother printer, that’...

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

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Finding the right dog

Joey decides he wants to start hunting, and he just loves the taste of fresh duck. He starts gathering gear for his first trip when an old-timer mentions he's gonna need a dog. The old-timer goes on to tell him to be careful of the dog he gets. If the dog's asshole is too big, it'll fill with water ...

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Told to me by a miner, so you know it's bad.

A reporter is doing an article about West Virginia, as he is compiling and editing he realizes that he has no human interest story. So he heads out to a local bar and sees an old timer sitting by himself. He explains the situation and asks him what he's like.

The old timer responds, "what do ...

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A Senior Customer

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"C'mon man.... give it ...

A soldier's wife has just returned from her insurance provider and is looking very, very unhappy

"What's the matter?" Her friend asked.

"I went to get my husband covered privately, but the fine print stated: no payouts when the holder dies as a result of an explosion and/or from injuries sustained in an explosion," she replied.

"Oh? So why would that make you unhappy?" Her friend ...

Trump may end up being a one-timer...

But it sure as hell felt like 8 years.

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My first blowjob was like my first bike ride....

Two bruised knees, a sore jaw and my father telling me I was really good for a first timer

Why shouldn't you trust a date who has a second watch?

They're a two-timer

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Two medical students were

walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. Th...

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"What'd he say???"

An older gentleman pulled into a country gas station while on a road trip with his wife. He got out and proceeded to fill the car with gasoline.

A local was filling up at the adjoining pump. "Nice day today."

"Yes it is," replied the old timer.

His wife, sitting in the passe...

An Old Man is thrown out of a bar

A young man who was walking down the street says "Hey Old-Timer, what happened in there". The old man looks at him and says "Well son, I am Jesus Christ". "Jesus Christ?", the young man replied skeptically. "Yes my son, follow me", the old man said as he walked into the bar.

As he enters, th...

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.

I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

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An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without bat...

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My wife and I just discovered an easy way to burn 2000 calories an hour during sex

Note to self: Leave bedroom door open so we can hear the oven timer next time.

The tale of Drango Dune

A proddy young gunfighter swings off his horse and barges through the batwing doors into a saloon, where everyone falls silent, except for the piano player, who carries on playing with never a pause. "I'm looking for Drango Dune!" yells the young man, and everyone turns away except for one old-timer...

(I suck at jokes) It only Takes 1

An older Irishman is sitting at a Rural bar looking depressed. A regular at the bar notices, and asks the old-timer what's the trouble?

[Old-Timer] See that road over there?
[Regular] Aye

[Old-Timer] I built that road. Carried the stones and put them in place my own sweat and bl...

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?

Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers

It's a prisoner's first day and he goes to lunch ...

... as he's sitting there, someone jumps up and yells "46!" The whole room erupts in laughter. A few minutes later, someone else yells "85!" Again, the whole room erupts in laughter.

This goes on several more times. Finally, the new prisoner elbows the old guy next to him. "Hey, what's going ...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

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A father of 3 and one of his sons were cooking pizza

They put the pizza in the oven and waited

When the timer went off, the father went to pull it out when the son said “Let me pull it out.”

The father then said “You shouldn’t, it’s really hot.”

The son replied “Dad, you have 3 children, I don’t trust you to pull out.”

A new guy in prison (longish)

A new guy in prison hears the other prisoners shout random numbers. "21!". The other prisoners laugh. "45!" says another inmate causing more laughter. The new guy asks what's with the numbers? A long time inmate says "When you've been locked up as long as we have you end up hearing every joke so we ...

A redhead, brunette and a blonde are in a plane..

It is about to crash so the attendants hand out parachutes. They tell the ladies to jump down and when the timer beeps at 5000 feet above ground, release the ‘chute.
Ofcourse the blonde mixes this up and releases her ‘chute as soon as she jumps out. Then the brunette goes past her, and few secon...

Guy in a Lamborghini

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."

Guy says "It sure is."

Old man looks at the interior and says "Looks luxurious...

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We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

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An Irishman walked into a bar.

He saw a few guys sitting round a table. One of them was holding a pint. He gulped down half the cup, then spluttered and coughed it up.
The other guys laughed. "You lose!"

The Irishman approached the table and picked up the glass. "I'll show you how we do this in Ireland. Start the timer!...

When people announce they're taking a break from social media on social media:

Me: "Alexa, set timer for one day"

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

The Jumper!

So there's a older rugged looking chap walking home from the pub along the side of the road, and up ahead he see's a young, attractive lady standing on the other side of the railing on a bridge moments away from throwing herself off.

With a bit of grog in his system, he thinks to himsel...

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband

"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg...

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It was a fine day out on the sea...

when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks.

"Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?"

"Gar...

My wife and I were in the kitchen...

...and she said to me "Let's make love", so we did.

Afterwards I said "Thank you for that, that was lovely. Can I ask, what was the motivation?".

She replied "The egg-timer broke".

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

A man walks into a bar

and sitting at one of the stools is, quite possibly, the oldest man he's ever seen. Drawn to the old timer, he asks, "Who are you?"

The old man replies in a soft voice that somehow echoes throughout the bar, "I am God."

He scoffs, "No way."

"Yahweh."

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

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Golf on Christmas Morning

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it! We'll m...

The Outdoor Toilet

A young man wanted to invite his girlfriend to their farm but was embarrassed by the old-fashioned outdoor toilet.

He kept bickering his dad for a modern, indoor one, but the old-timer didn't want to give in.

Out of sheer desperation, he slips out one night, puts a lot of dynamite be...

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

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A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

Lovemaking tips for Seniors

1. Wear your glasses. Make sure your partner is actually in the bed.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. (Turn them ALL OFF!)

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name o...

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I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have sex all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with t...

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

What's the difference between a microwave and a Muslim?

A microwave doesn't blow up every time the timer goes off.

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Three boys with some chicken-wire...

walk down the street and pass an old man on his porch.

The old-timer asks "What are you boys doing with so much chicken-wire?"

One of the boys exclaims "We're gonna catch some chickens!"

The old man scoffs and tells them "you can't catch chickens with chicken-wire, that's not ho...

Why did the traitor wear two watches?

Because he's a two timer.

A man is tossed off an ocean liner and ends up on a desert island..

There are 2 other men who were living on the island so the man pitched a house and stayed waiting to be rescued. After 2 weeks, the other 2 men go and take a bath in the springs, shave their faces with cut glass and comb the rats out of their hair. The new man asks, "*what are you doing that for?*" ...

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

School Projects are fun

A science teacher sent off his year 8 class with a homework task, come up witch a science experiment, and either film it to show to the class, or show the experiment in front of the class next week.

Tim went home and thought long and hard about what he would do, but he came in next week with ...

Justin Bieber is on a game show...

He is asked the question; "what is one of the most popular pieces of clothing in India?" Bieber's mind is racing, well as fast as his mind can race, but the timer buzzes. Time is up.
Put out, Bieber cries out, "Is it too late to say sari?"

An old man is fishing by the creek.

Soon a wagon pulled by horses approaches on the road behind him.
"Is the water shallow enough to pass through with my horses and goods, old man ?" bellowed the driver.
"Sure mere few feet to the right, a small family made their way across not an hour ago" meekly said the old-timer.

Ha...

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AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES (That Really Work!)

1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU SLICE.

2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.

3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES,...

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A bartender is about to close down for the evening when a man walks into the bar.

The man sits down at the empty bar and says, "unfortunately i haven't got any money, but wondering if you would care to wager me for a yard of ale?"

Intrigued, the bartender inquires what the man has in mind for a wager. "You pour me a yard of that Blonde Ale over there....if I can finish ...

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An old man was crying on a park bench

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears "Oh it's awful! Last month I won £1,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a topless model and 50 years younger than me! ...

Persian joke

Yesterday I was so hungry, I went to the sandwich shop and ordered Ham e Cheese.

....همه چيز means "every thing".
(first timer here, be gentle)

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Two guys in their mid-twenties sitting at the bar

I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar the other night.

One guy says to his buddy, "Man you look tired!"

His buddy says, "I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what t...

Joe & Chester

Joe and Chester, two old-timers, are playing checkers. Joe says, "You know, Chester, as your next-door neighbor, I need to tell you somethin'. You should put up heavier curtains on your bedroom window."

"What makes you say that, Joe?"

"Well, sometimes at night I'll look over at your ...

There was this guy working at McDonald’s.

and it was his turn to cook the French fries. So he put the frozen fries in the metal basket and dipped it in the oil. You see this guy was a veteran chef and used to be able to sense when food was cooked by looking at it's color or by smelling it, he never needed a timer or a meat thermometer or an...

Two Old Seniors are sitting on a bench Outside a Nursing Home

They both take sips of their drinks, rocking back and forth slowly. One looks at the other and asks, “How’s your weekend been, George?”

George looks at him. “It’s been amazing. I was taking a walk down the street and I come to a railroad crossing, low-and-behold, a girl was tied up on the tra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.

"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

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