Old Timer Jokes - 47 Hilarious Old Timer Jokes

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Old Timers

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

Do you remember the first time we had together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'

Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'H...

Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

Old timers

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man get...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

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Two medical students were

walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. Th...

Long:Two old timers go ice fishing…

Two old timers, Lou and Mel, go ice fishing. They each compete against each other and so they dril ltheir holes in the ice exactly 50ft apart. Set up their chairs, drop their lines in, pour some coffee from their thermoses and wait for a bite. A young man comes along and sets up exactly between the...

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We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

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Two guys, one old timer and one in his mid 20's, are pushing their carts around Lowe's when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's a funny coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out go...

One dark night in Dublin, a fire started inside the local chemical plant . . .

In a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the centre of the...

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

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A Senior Customer

A prostitute standing outside a motel in a small town saw a 70+ year old man walking past. She hasn't had a customer for a while so she whistles at him and says, "Hey, would you like to have some fun time with me?"

The old man said, "But I won't be able to..."

"C'mon man.... give it ...

Guy in a Lamborghini

Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks fast."

Guy says "It sure is."

Old man looks at the interior and says "Looks luxurious...

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

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"What'd he say???"

An older gentleman pulled into a country gas station while on a road trip with his wife. He got out and proceeded to fill the car with gasoline.

A local was filling up at the adjoining pump. "Nice day today."

"Yes it is," replied the old timer.

His wife, sitting in the passe...

IT dad jokes, anyone?

An old timer IT guy was asked to help one of his clients add a new printer. When he arrived on location, he jumped on the client’s computer and then asked what type of printer it was so he could find it.

The customer frowned, scratched his head, and said “I think it’s a Brother printer, that’...

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replie...

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Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation

"Much nicer than the boys"

The fishing was a bit quiet.

An old timer poured some overproof rum into my bait bucket.

"Get rid of the hook and tie the smallest of those prawns on and cast it out," he said.

Reluctantly, I took his advice. Sure enough, there was an almighty swirl in the water, and I pulled in a huge fish. The prawn was holding ...

The cost of gas in Boston

I visited Boston last week and learned a new term that is apparently local to them. When referring the cost of gas, they said it was a "nominal egg". How quirky.

I asked an old timer about its origins and he looked at me funny and said slowly, "An arm and a leg"!

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

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An old man was crying on a park bench

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears "Oh it's awful! Last month I won £1,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a model and 50 years younger than me! ...

GRANDMA'S RACY NEW

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new . "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It d...

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.

He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.

So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."

Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"

and the man says to the bartender, ...

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Gunfighter

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think ...

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a .”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

A man walks into a bar

and sitting at one of the stools is, quite possibly, the oldest man he's ever seen. Drawn to the old timer, he asks, "Who are you?"

The old man replies in a soft voice that somehow echoes throughout the bar, "I am God."

He scoffs, "No way."

"Yahweh."

A new guy in prison (longish)

A new guy in prison hears the other prisoners shout random numbers. "21!". The other prisoners laugh. "45!" says another inmate causing more laughter. The new guy asks what's with the numbers? A long time inmate says "When you've been locked up as long as we have you end up hearing every joke so we ...

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

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I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with t...

The Jumper!

So there's a older rugged looking chap walking home from the pub along the side of the road, and up ahead he see's a young, attractive lady standing on the other side of the railing on a bridge moments away from throwing herself off.

With a bit of grog in his system, he thinks to himsel...

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A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

" my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

Old Friends in Silent Pub

Two old friends, Johnny and Steve, who haven't seen each in 20 years bump into each other on the street.

Steve:"Johnny? Wow must be 20 years at least!"
Johnny:"Yes I would think so. Nice to see you. Hey I'm off to the pub want to join me and we can talk."
Steve:"Sure, we sure have a lot...

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Circle flies

A old farmer is carting a load of manure down the road when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop, comes up to the truck and starts giving the old farmer a hard time about how much the load smells and just generally aggravating him.

Waving his hands in the air, he tells the man, "whew! These...

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

Two old men are talking about capital punishment

The first old man says "I never did like it. My grandpappy was the last man hanged in this here state",
Second old timer, is surprised since they've known each other for a long time, "You never told me that before, -what did he do?"
First man thinks about it for a second and answers, "we...

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

A businessman decides to leave city life behind.

He had spent his entire career working late hours at a stressful job for bosses he hated and decides to give it all up. So he buys a large ranch in central Montana and spends his days raising livestock, maintaining fences, engrossing himself in his new setting. For a time he is content, but weeks pa...

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New fish...

It's a guy's first day in prison and he's not taking to it very well. He's off in the corner with that thousand -yard stare, hugging himself and rocking back and forth.
An old timer takes pity on him and walks over.

"How ya' doin', Kid? Having a rough time I see."

"Yeah, well- lo...

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Ol' Man and the little boy.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" He says. "Roll of chicken wire." Said the little boy.

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some c...

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Nurse and the retired soldier. ()

A nurse was attending a retired soldier. They had a nice conversation when the nurse, out of curiosity, asked him the last time he had . The soldier answered: "I haven't had since 1946". Nurse was surprised and said that that seemed very long ago. Feeling a little and sorry for the sold...

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I just received some great marriage advice

Today was my first day back in work, after a month off for my wedding. One of the old timers comes up to me with some advice.

"The first weekend is the most important in your marriage. On Saturday morning, get up really early. Take a bus into town, buy only the freshest bread; stroll to the f...

Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement

**JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it?

**MOSES** Have it?

**JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do.

**MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it.

Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly sep...

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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

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