Old Timers Bar

Four old guys are walking down a street. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."
They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me po...

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Old Timers

The husband leans over and asks his wife,

Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?

We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made love to you.'

Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'H...

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "Hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " I'm going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " You can't catch ducks with that". The boy said "Watch me old man".
...

Old timers

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night while watching TV, the old man get...

A joke from an old timer at a dive bar

How did the female deer get back at her cheating husband?


She went downtown and blew a few bucks.

*I used to work next to a dive bar and would pop in there for a beer after my shift. One of the old timers was a guy named Doc and he told me this joke almost every day. He passed away...

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Old timer

An old timer was out fishing one day and caught well over his limit before he even realized it and decided he better get on home.

As he was loading up his boat the game warden walked up and asked to see his catch. Realizing the gravity of the situation, he told the game warden he ended up not...

Two old timers in a retirement home are reminiscing...

Two old timers in a retirement home are reminiscing of the good old days, when they come to realise that they haven't been with women for a long time. So they decide to go and visit the nearest brothel.

When they arrive, they ask the pimp to find them the best hookers they've got. The pimp t...

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences.

Three old timers were relating their most exciting experiences

The first, a retired sheriff, described the terrifying excitement of a shoot-out with Bonnie and Clyde back in his younger days.

The other gents nodded and agreed that, indeed, would have been exciting.

The second, a...

Old Man on the Fast Moped

Just remembered this one today. It's a great joke for around a campfire.

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Guy's driving down the road in his new Lamborghini. Stops at a light next to an old man on a moped.

The old man looks over and says "Say, that's a pretty spiffy looking car there, son. It looks f...

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Two old timers were playing chess in the park. The first one says: "know what I did yesterday? I went to the girls..."

"At your old age?" Says the second one as he cuts him off. "How was it?" He asks in anticipation

"Much nicer than the boys"

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Working on an offshore oil rig.

So the new guy is being shown around the offshore oil rig. And while being fascinated by the ship and machinery, he nervously asks the old-timer, "We're going to be out here for over month, and I don't see any women. Not one. What do we when we get horny?"

The old timer nods knowingly and ...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out golfi...

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An Old prospector was coming back from town with his mule.

An Old prospector was coming back from town and he was leading his pack mule loaded with supplies down a winding valley road. A young gunslinger was riding his horse on the mountain Crest watching the old timer. He thought to himself I'm going to go down there and mess with that old man.
The youn...

There's a fire at the local chemical plant...

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long, it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire departments from miles around.

After fighting the fire for over an hour, the plant president approached the fire chief and said "All our secr...

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.



Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been dow...

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An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio, Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in...

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

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We're selling assholes!

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, pu...

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An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without bat...

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Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

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A very old man was sitting on his porch when he notices a small boy walking past. "Whatcha got there, sonny?" Asks the old man. "Cat wire." Replies the youngster. "Gona catch me some cats!" The old man starts laughing hysterically.

But sure enough, 3 hours later, the boy walks past the old man's place with a sack full of cats.

Two days later the old man sees the boy again.
"Whatcha carrying there, boy?" He asks.
"Duct tape. Gona catch me some ducks!" Replies the youngster.
Well the old man laughs even harde...

A group of young men were sitting around the coffee shop complaining about how hard it was to get by in this day and age.

Bob, an old timer, was listening to them and finally spoke. “You kids don’t know what hard times are. Why, when I was your age we were so poor we couldn’t afford electricity. Why, we even had to watch television by candle light.”

The Jumper!

So there's a older rugged looking chap walking home from the pub along the side of the road, and up ahead he see's a young, attractive lady standing on the other side of the railing on a bridge moments away from throwing herself off.


With a bit of grog in his system, he thinks to himsel...

Tired of his parent's incessant harangue a very lazy young man went for fishing to add some fishes in their menu.

While sitting for fishing he felt very sleepy and was yawning. An old timer saw his lackadaisical approach and poked him, "Son, why are you working so hard? Just go to home and take a nap. It won't be hard for you I guess." The young man replied, "No. I have to catch some fish. But it seems very har...

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Two medical students were

walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. Th...

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The Goat

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man. 

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-...

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Told to me by a miner, so you know it's bad.

A reporter is doing an article about West Virginia, as he is compiling and editing he realizes that he has no human interest story. So he heads out to a local bar and sees an old timer sitting by himself. He explains the situation and asks him what he's like.

The old timer responds, "what do ...

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An old man walks past a prostitute...

and she says:
"Hey old timer, care to try if you still can?"
The man replies:
"No honey, I can't."
The prostitute says:
"We could always try!"
The man agrees goes with her and fucks like a 20 year old.

"Jeez," says the prostitute "you said you couldn't!"
The man replie...

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Airline pilot...

An airline pilot makes the usual announcements over the cabin PA system as the plane reaches cruising altitude. He then sets the plane on autopilot and turns to the co-pilot and jokes- “All I need now is a cup of coffee and a blow job.”

Unbeknownst to the captain, the mic is still active and...

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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

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A famous sausage factor gets set on fire.

The flames quickly grew out of control and all near by fire departments are called. The owner of the factory told the firemen that his secret sausage recipe was stored in a vault inside. He proclaimed that the first department to fight off the fire and get the recipes would get a 50000 $ reward. All...

A man walks into a bar

and sitting at one of the stools is, quite possibly, the oldest man he's ever seen. Drawn to the old timer, he asks, "Who are you?"

The old man replies in a soft voice that somehow echoes throughout the bar, "I am God."

He scoffs, "No way."

"Yahweh."

A middle aged man was tired of his job in the city and wanted a place where he could relax

So he decided to go to the seaside and buy a house. He found the perfect house and was about to buy it when his next door neighbor to be shows up: a very fit, athletic 85 year old man, with a full head of beautiful silver hair!

“Hey old timer, it seems this place has done you good! You look...

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An old man was crying on a park bench

An old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Another man approached and said "Hey old timer, whats up"?

The old man says through his tears "Oh it's awful! Last month I won £1,000,000 on the lottery and I met a beautiful girl who is a topless model and 50 years younger than me! ...

A new guy in prison (longish)

A new guy in prison hears the other prisoners shout random numbers. "21!". The other prisoners laugh. "45!" says another inmate causing more laughter. The new guy asks what's with the numbers? A long time inmate says "When you've been locked up as long as we have you end up hearing every joke so we ...

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I hope I never get this old.

An old man is sitting on a park bench sobbing when a young man approaches and asks "what's troubling you old timer?"

The old man says " I've got a beautiful wife at home, she's half my age & we have sex all the time."

The young man says "that sounds great! What's the problem with t...

Old Friends in Silent Pub

Two old friends, Johnny and Steve, who haven't seen each in 20 years bump into each other on the street.

Steve:"Johnny? Wow must be 20 years at least!"
Johnny:"Yes I would think so. Nice to see you. Hey I'm off to the pub want to join me and we can talk."
Steve:"Sure, we sure have a lot...

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A teenager is walking down the street...

He's dressed up in all leather with spikes and studs and has a mohawk dyed like a rainbow. He notices an old man on a porch up ahead staring him down intensely. He just smiles to himself and keeps walking.

As he passes the house, he sees the old man has yet to take his eyes off him. Finally h...

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A young man is walking through a small village one day and decides to stop by a bar and have a beer.

He walks into a bar, and sees a grizzled old man, crying into his beer. Curious, the young man sits down and says, "Hey old timer, why the long face?"


The old man looks at him and points out the window, "See that dock out there? I built that dock with my own two hands, plank by plank, na...

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A young man is relaxing on a park bench on a fine Spring day.

An elderly gent comes shuffling by with a very serious expression on his face.

"Hey, old timer, something wrong?" asks the younger fellow.

"Shit my pants," answers the oldster.

"Then why don't you change them," suggests the youngster.

"Not done yet," was the reply.

GRANDMA'S RACY NEW PANTIES

An old woman buys herself some bright red crotchless panties and goes home to surprise her husband.

When her husband comes home, she calls him into the bedroom and points to her new panties. "Hey old timer," she says, "come and get some of this!"

The old man says, "Hell no, woman. It d...

A 1960s Soviet Couple is Looking to Buy Some Meat

An old married couple in Moscow wanted to celebrate their anniversary, and the wife sends her husband to the store to find meat. They are skeptical the store will have fresh meat, but it could be their last anniversary.

The old man waits in line for an hour. When he finally gets to the count...

Two Old Seniors are sitting on a bench Outside a Nursing Home

They both take sips of their drinks, rocking back and forth slowly. One looks at the other and asks, “How’s your weekend been, George?”

George looks at him. “It’s been amazing. I was taking a walk down the street and I come to a railroad crossing, low-and-behold, a girl was tied up on the tra...

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New fish...

It's a guy's first day in prison and he's not taking to it very well. He's off in the corner with that thousand -yard stare, hugging himself and rocking back and forth.
An old timer takes pity on him and walks over.

"How ya' doin', Kid? Having a rough time I see."

"Yeah, well- lo...

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McGregor-the-Bar-Builder

*A WELL-KNOWN old timer speaking to a young man in a bar in Scotland*

"Laddy, Yer see this baer here? How smooth and finely carved it is
I built dis baer wid me bare hands,
But nooooo, they dun't coll me McGregor-the-bar-builder."

*the young man is uninterested*

*even l...

A businessman decides to leave city life behind.

He had spent his entire career working late hours at a stressful job for bosses he hated and decides to give it all up. So he buys a large ranch in central Montana and spends his days raising livestock, maintaining fences, engrossing himself in his new setting. For a time he is content, but weeks pa...

Two old men are talking about capital punishment

The first old man says "I never did like it. My grandpappy was the last man hanged in this here state",
Second old timer, is surprised since they've known each other for a long time, "You never told me that before, -what did he do?"
First man thinks about it for a second and answers, "we...

So a young man walks into a bar in Ireland.

He goes up to the counter to ask for a drink, but the old town drunk spots him, wondering who he is.

So he walks up to him and says, "Are you Irish, boy?" and the man responds, "Aye, half."

Then old timer says, "Oh ya, what's the other half?"

and the man says to the bartender, ...

Jesus and Moses Sit On A Boat Enjoying Retirement

**JESUS** Hey Moses, do you still, you know..... have it?

**MOSES** Have it?

**JESUS** Ya Ya.... You know.... That "trick" you used to do.

**MOSES** Oh buddy, I've still got it.

Moses moves to the front of the boat, shakes out his hands, claps them together and slowly sep...

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Gunfighter

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who in his day had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West. The young cowboy took a place next to the old timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think ...

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An old time prospector lives 50 miles outside of the only town for a hundred miles

This old timer is well known for only coming in to town once a year, to spend his money on whiskey and supplies, never to be seen again until the next year.

One year, he comes to town, heads straight for the bar, and tells the bartender "set 'em up, I'm celebratin'!"

After he knocks b...

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Ol' Man and the little boy.

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?" He says. "Roll of chicken wire." Said the little boy.

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some c...

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This machine stops after..... [NSFW]

So a son invites his father to come visit England from India. The son was very excited about his father visiting England and so he decided to take him on a tour. Unfortunately his father didn't show the same excitement like his son. The boy was confused and asked his father "What is the matter?, don...

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Circle flies

A old farmer is carting a load of manure down the road when he gets pulled over by a cop. The cop, comes up to the truck and starts giving the old farmer a hard time about how much the load smells and just generally aggravating him.

Waving his hands in the air, he tells the man, "whew! These...

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The man with the small head.

A boy was walking down the road when he noticed an old timer with an unusually small head. The curious boy walked up to the bloke and said, "Hey mister! Why the heck is your head so small?"

The old man looked at the boy and replied, "Boy, if I wasn't so damn old, I'd give you a beating... bu...

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Nurse and the retired soldier. (NSFW)

A nurse was attending a retired soldier. They had a nice conversation when the nurse, out of curiosity, asked him the last time he had sex. The soldier answered: "I haven't had sex since 1946". Nurse was surprised and said that that seemed very long ago. Feeling a little kinky and sorry for the sold...

An old Vermonter is sitting on his porch.

A New Yorker is passing by and stops to chat. He asks the old timer, "Have you lived here all your life."

"Not yet."

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