UPJOKE
timealwayswhiledifficultyneverclocktimeboxanytimezonetimeuntimehypertimetimelingnontimetimistchowtime

Hard Time Jokes

hard times in the Soviet Union

One day, Ivan was at the doctor's office and the doctor told him "You're not a young man anymore, comrade. You need heart surgery."

Ivan said "All right, when can we do it?"

Doctor said "We can squeeze you in four years from today. That's a Monday."

Ivan replied "Can we make it ...

I've had a hard time figuring out why I don't consider cottage cheese truly "cheese"

But it's just a curd to me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave has been having a hard time at work, working really long hours for the past few months, so his wife decides to take him to the strip club.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Why do Romans always have a hard time ending relationships?

Their X is always a 10.

Guys come on, we shouldn't give fat people such a hard time.

They have enough on their plate already.

Why does Indiana Jones have such a hard time getting a girlfriend?

Bad dates.

Good times make soft men, soft men make hard times.

And finally, hard times make men hard. Wait, no...

Why does Mrs. Dracula have a hard time sleeping with her husband?

Because he keeps coffin!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship

A woman's having a hard time finding a healthy relationship so she decides to place a very specific ad for a lover in the newspaper. The ad reads, "I am looking for someone who will never hit me, never walk on out on me, and is good in bed." A few days later, her doorbell rings. She answers the door...

An elderly couple has fallen on hard times…

After exhausting all other options, the husband and wife agree that she will go out and turn tricks to make ends meet. The next day, she gussies herself up by putting on her best wig, her reddest lipstick, and her lowest-cut dress. Then out the door she goes around 4 pm.

When midnight rolls a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry and his wife are having hard times, so they decide she'll become a hooker...

She's not sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of the bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not in front of the bar for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up in a car and says, "How much?"

She says, "A hu...

I had a really hard time converting an old church into an all inclusive pet spa and boarding facility,

but hiring groomers was easy.

Why did Sweeney Todd’s wife have such a hard time keeping her restaurant staffed?

Employee turnover.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple, recently married fall on hard times...

and are about to be evicted. After much debate, they agree the wife will prostitute to earn the cash they need. That evening, they set up shop on the street below their apartment. The husband wishes her luck and says he'll be across the street in the car watching for her safety. After a short while,...

I had a hard time in the latest verbal brevity competition.

The objective was trying, to say the least.

Why does Santa have such a hard time with chimneys?

Because he's Klaustrophobic.

Why does Kylo Ren have a hard time making friends?

Because for most of his life, he's Ben Solo.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman had a really hard time orgasming

A woman who had always had a hard time getting to orgasm was talking to her friend. She confessed, "you'll never believe it! I had the most earth shattering orgasm yesterday and I still don't think I can walk right." Her friend informed her, " you don't know what that kind of orgasm is like unless y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Amber Heard’s lawyer sure is having a hard time in this trial…

He really shit the bed with this one.

I'm having a hard time getting excited about the Beijing Olympics.

I'm afraid they'll be mass produced and of low quality.

People give anti-vaxxers a hard time, but they gave us one important thing...

A control group for our studies confirming that vaccines do not cause autism.

I have a hard time talking to kleptomaniacs.

They’re always taking things literally.

I used to have a hard time picking up girls before I started working out

Now I can toss them in the back of my van no problem.

I'm having a hard time stopping my musician ex from entering my house despite changing the locks multiple times...

I guess they were always better at key changes than me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist says I have a hard time expressing my emotions,

I can’t say I’m surprised.

I do not have a hard time finding friends. The have a hard time finding me.

At least I hope they still search for me. This hide n seek game is already two days long...

I think most dogs have a hard time

every time I ask one how their day is going, they always say "rough".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In hard times, a young woman turns to prostitution...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, ...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man runs a small business and falls on hard times......

....He has only two employees that work for him and he needs to lay one off in order to maintain the business. He realizes he has a tough choice ahead, on one hand there's his employee Debbie, a good employee but she's raising two children and he knows she really needs the job. On the other hand the...

As a blind man, I have a hard time eating fish

I can't seafood

People in Athens have a hard time waking up early

Because dawn is tough on grease

Why do people with irritable bowel syndrome have a hard time making decisions?

They can’t trust their gut

This is an awfully hard time for me financially.

Last month I was unable to pay the bills to my exorcist and as a consequence I have been repossessed.

So the Germans were having a hard time against the entrenches Italians in WW1

Lt Rommel has an idea: "Hey, a lot of Italians are named Luigi. I say we try calling out 'hey, Luigi', and when they stick their head out to answer, we shoot them." It was decided that it was worth a try so early the next morning the Germans launch their new "offensive".

A German soldier call...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, the church in my town fell on hard time recently

There wasn't hardly enough money coming in to keep the lights on. So, with the approval of the priests, the friars began selling flowers from the Church's magnificent garden. They were a hit, and soon the flower money was rolling in in droves. A few days after they start, however, Tony, the local fl...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview...

James Bond hits upon hard times and finds himself facing a job seeker interview,

"Well Mr Bond we have two positions we can offer you, one is giving lectures to children on the benefits of a career in military intelligence, and the other is in the fabric staining department of a yarn mill. "<...

Why do mathematicians have a hard time moving on in relationships?

Because they're always trying to find the x.

They don't know y, either.

What does a chicken do when they fall on hard times?

Chicken strips

Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with?

List-ening!

(She has ADHD)

Reddit seems to have a hard time vetting their employees when a simple search would have been sufficient

Nevermind, they must have tried using Reddit search.

I'm having a hard time trying to decide on which pencil to use for my English literature exam.

2B or not 2B - that is the question.

After being on Reddit for a year, I'm having a really hard time writing this..

After all, coming up with the perfect joke is no piece of cake!

I have a hard time trusting people that use pencils to draw.

They're sketchy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It must be a hard time for homosexuals searching for partners

Most of them are not coming out.

I used to have a hard time understanding which GPU to buy for my computer.

But since the prices are now in the names, it's much more simple!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey sexy, are you having a hard time understanding U.S. Federal tax code?

... cause I'm Intuit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple had fallen on hard times. The wife proposed that she work the corner giving blowjobs for money.

The husband doesn't like the sound of it, but reluctantly agreed because he has no other option. He couldn't sleep the first night she worked, and was awake when she finally came back in the morning. He asked how it went, and she says it was actually pretty fun.

"How much did you end up maki...

I have a hard time reading woman's signals.

I once tried going to the red light district, but I didn't stop.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Japanese man have a hard time finishing? (NSFW)

Because every time he tried to please himself he got the stroke order wrong.

Sometimes I have such a hard time remembering my favorite Celine Dion song

..but it's all coming back to me now.

Cops have a hard time catching fat criminals

They are always at large and on top of that its impossible to narrow down on them

Everyone should stop giving zombies a hard time...

...they just want piece of mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard the guy with diarrhea is having a hard time.

I hope he gets his shit together soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harry Potter has way too many characters...

Even J.K. Rowling has a hard time keeping all the characters straight.

I don't know why everyone had such a hard time finding Anne Frank.

When I went to Amsterdam, there was literally signs all over the place telling me where her house is.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Throwing a party for everyone who has a hard time getting an orgasm.

Let me know if you can’t come

Why did the robot have a hard time swimming?

Because it was a little rusty

My ex is having a really hard time moving on

From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did).

Trent Reznor is going to have a hard time getting into heaven...

....because Jesus hates nine inch nails.

Sean Connery had fallen on hard times. His work had completely dried up.

Then one day out of the blue his agent rang and said "Sean, I've got a job for you. It starts tomorrow, you've got to get there early, for 10'ish." Sean frowned "For 10'ish? But I havent even got a racket!"

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

People always give bridge builders a hard time...

They're just trying to make ends meet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the limbo contestant have such a hard time winning?

His wife had slipped him a Viagra.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years but they’re having a really hard time…

…putting their case together.

Carrots have a hard time getting rid of bad habits.

It's a deeply rooted issue.

I'm having a hard time...

contrtolling my erections.

Why do bakers in marijuana dispensaries have a hard time keeping their jobs?

Because of the high turnover.

I use to be a caregiver but now I'm having a hard time finding a new job

All of my references are dead

Why do dogs have a hard time listening to music?

Because they keep pressing paws

Today, I had a hard time getting a tree stump out from under the ground...

That was pretty root of it if you ask me

I'm having a hard time getting my German Chinese fusion restaurant going.

It's called Chow Mein Kampf.

For some reason, I have a hard time renting trailers.

I never seem to pull it off without a hitch.

My grandad is getting old and he’s “starting to have a hard time with all the stares”

It’s his own fault, I told him not to get that face tattoo.

Why do programmers have a hard time with improv?

They can't execute without a script.

You know, I was gonna make a joke about how I have a hard time reading dictionaries,

But I just couldn't find the words for it.

What does Reddit call it when a man is supportive of a woman during hard times?

Simpathy.

Why do Pandas have such a hard time mating in captivity?

Because all of their broads are in Atlanta

I always have a hard time remembering how that stupid Boomerang App works

But eventually it always comes back to me

Why did thor have such a hard time accepting his brother was actually a frost giant?

He was loki racist

My ex is going thru a hard time so I decided to send her a food package care package...

Fed Ex.

I was having a hard time remembering my PIN on my debit card....

So I changed it to 0911. That way I never forget.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into the local cathedral and says to the rector, “I would like to join this fucking church.”

The rector is astonished. “I beg your pardon, sir . . . I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Are you deaf? I said I want to join this fucking church!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this building.”
“Okay, twat face, I want to speak to someon...

I had a hard time learning to read the word "yoyo" in Braille.

I can't put my finger on y...

My douchebag nephew puts on loads of deodorant and I have a hard time understanding him.

He has too strong of an axe scent.

In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times

For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high.

Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who waslooking fo...

In these hard times, I wanted to give some hope to people who a family member in coma at the hospital...

...so I put a half eaten sandwish in each of the comatose patients' hands.

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

An older couple were having a hard time remembering things..

They arrived home from a walk and after a few minutes watching Television, the wife suddenly looks at her husband and says to him:

"You know, I could really go for some icecream! Would you mind going to the kitchen and getting me some?"

Her husband, always happy to be kind, walks to th...

Does anyone else have a really hard time having a conversation on a carousel?

I always feel like I'm talking in circles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”

The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.”

The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation.

The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. <...

People are giving Robert Kraft a hard time for paying someone to give him a tug, but let's be honest...

Giving _yourself_ a tug isn't that comfortable when you've got 6 rings on.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.