My girlfriend said she wanted to try lunges.

That's a big step forward.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife and I had a day at the zoo. It was going pleasantly until my wife had to lunge at me and scurry me out of the chimpanzee area under a flurry of flying poop

She gave me a the dirtiest look when I told her, "they started it!"

My favorite workout is a mix between a lunge and a crunch,

I call it lunch.

A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocke...

Two guys are walking down the street when a thug lunges from an alley and points a gun at them...

"Gimmie all your money, both of you! Now!" the thug says.

Bill says, "Wait! Wait! Wait! Just a minute! Steve, here's that $200 I owe you!"

9 year old told me this today. My favorite exercise is a mix between a crunch and a lunge...

It's called lunch. Dad, I'm hungry.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's a forest

And a fly was hovering inside the forest. But a fish was watching the fly and thinking "once that fly goes down 6 inches down. im gonna catch the fly to have myself a really nice meal. " But what he did not realize is that a bear was watching the fish watching the fly and thinking "once that fish ca...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The French fencer

There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fish sees a fly over the river.

The fish says “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches then I could catch it and have a great meal.” Little did the fish know, a bear was slowly creeping up on the riverbed and saw the fish watching the fly. The bear said “oh boy, if only that fly would drop six inches so that fish would jump...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is difficult for a newly-wed couple as their house is frequently broken into by thieves.

They decide to get a guard dog to scare the thieves off, so her wife goes to the pet shop and buys the meanest looking dog. They sleep that night knowing that they're safe and are shocked by what they see in the morning. The thieves have done it again, and the dog has been sleeping like a baby ever ...

A monk decides to take up the art of swordplay.

Taking some time off from the Buddhist monastery, he trains with his fencing teacher, learning all the positions, attacks and defenses, and generally becomes fairly proficient at the sport. His teacher encourages him to take up the competition circuit, as there is little left she can teach the monk....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was arrested for the sixth time for having sex with an unconscious prostitute.

At court, the judge always imposed of a fine of $250 and sent him on his way. The man's friend approached him one day and asked:

"How do you keep getting away with what you do with only a slap on the wrist?"

"It's the law," the man says. "It's only a misdemeanor."

So the friend ...

Three men were standing in line...

... to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Saint Peter had been forced to pick who would be allowed in. "Guys listen, heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had *particularly* horrible deaths. When you’...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION:You’re a policeman, on duty by yourself. You are walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.


You are ...

Would you like a free coupon?

A man is selling lemonade from a sidewalk stand. A boy rides by on his skateboard.

"WOULD YOU LIKE A FREE COUPON?!" the man shouts at the boy. The boy is so startled that he falls backwards off his skateboard.

The boy wasn't wearing a helmet and cracks his head open on the sidewalk. Th...

I started taking fencing lessons...

The teacher started yelling fencing terms I didn't understand.

"Lunge!"

"Parry!"

"Reposte"

I stopped and said, "I can't do that, this is my first post in r/jokes and I don't wanna get flamed."

(Ain't much, but at least I tried)

Converting a Bear to the Faith

A rabbi, priest, and a preacher meet every Monday in a coffee shop to talk things over about their spiritual life.

One day, the priest makes a bet with the other guys that he could convert a bear in the woods over to his religion. The others nod and say "Yeah, I'll bet we could do it quicker...

A monkey in a tree

A man notices a monkey has climbed up his backyard tree. He goes online and finds a man who specializes in monkey trapping and removal.

When the trapper arrives at the house he shows up with a stick, a set of handcuffs, a Chihuahua, and a shotgun.

He tells the homeowner "I'm going to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a pet store and asks for a polar bear ...

... surprisingly the store has one for sale. But the assistant warns the man:

"Do never, under any circumstances, tickle the bear behind the ears."

Of course, the man buys the bear and cheerfully takes it home. After a while he can't help the urge any more and tickles the bear behind t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Moral of the story

There was a fly buzzing over a lake. In this lake was a fish. This fish was thinking to himself, "Man, if that fly would come down 6 inches, I could jump up and eat that fly."

Behind a bush near the lake sat a bear. The bear looked at the fish, then at the fly, then back at the fish, and then...

A man moved into a retirement home...

An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home.

On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Fly at the Lake

There was once a fly buzzing around a lake.

"If I come down three more inches," he said buzzing around sporadically, "I can finally get me a drink of water."

Just beneath the surface was a fish watching the fly buzz around.

"If that fly comes down three more inches," he said wit...

A woman is in the hospital after she had a baby

A woman is in the hospital after she had a baby. A nurse comes in holding the newborn child.
Right as she enters the room, the nurse trips, dropping the baby on the floor.
The mother starts screaming, 'AHH, MY BABY!'
The nurse lunges to pick the baby up, but instead, kicks it across the fl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and a Czechoslovakian man are out hiking in the woods...

...When they encounter bear. The Jew, visibly frightened, asked the Czech

"What do we do!?"

The Czechoslovakian rips his shirt off and pulls out a knife and says ,"Watch this friend" and lunges at the bear in a frenzy.

The bear eats him and the Jew runs back to town to get the ...

Alligator Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the swamps of Louisiana. She really wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes to bring back for her boyfriend but didn't want to pay the high prices the local stores were charging.

After becoming very frustrated with the local shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My favorite shaggy dog story to tell when I'm at the bar.

A fish is swimming out in a lake, when he sees a fly flitting around, 3 feet above the water. The fish thinks to himself, "If that fly comes down about 5 inches, I can eat it!", so he sits and waits.

A bear sees the fish watching the fly and thinks to himself, "When that fly comes down a few ...

OCD Bartender

A husband and wife walk into the cleanest bar you've ever seen. It is their monthly date night and they are dressed to impress! The first thing they notice walking through the doors is a sparkle emitting from the glasses across the establishment. They look around and notice pictures on the wall line...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A door to door salesman walks up to an old man sitting on his porch

The old man has a mean looking dog sitting by his feet. The salesman stops short of the porch, and says "does your dog bite?"

"Nope" says the old man

Reassured, the salesman steps up onto the porch. The dog lunges at him and latches onto his arm, shaking his head back and forth. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After a long, miserable day a man hears a knock at the door..

He walks to the door and opens it to find there's no one there. He assumes it must be the neighborhood kids messing with him, so he angrily slams the door and begins to walk away.
He takes a couple steps and hears the knock again. He lunges back and quickly opens the door, hoping to catch the kid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a fly.........

There's a fly flying over a pond he looks down and thinks, "I'm thirsty I'll get a drink of water." A fish sees the fly and thinks,"when that fly comes down to get a drink of water I'll jump up and eat him!" Then a bear sees the fish looking at the fly and thinks,"when that fish jumps to get the fly...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dog Hunter

Two old friends get together once a year to go hunting. It's something they look forward to every year and it is the foundation of their decades-long friendship.

One year, one of the friends brings a hunting dog that he had just bought. He said to his friend, "Watch - he'll go out to the wo...