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Theresa May Jokes

When England had an Emperor, it was an Empire; when it had a King, it was a Kingdom; now they have Theresa May...

...and it is a Country.

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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

What's the difference between IKEA and Theresa May?

A cabinet designed by IKEA doesn't fall apart so easily.

Theresa May or Theresa May not be a Prime Minister in a couple of hours

I'll leave now

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Why is Theresa May so against Porn?

When she clearly loves fucking a whole country at once with the world watching.

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Theresa May walks into a bar.

The bartender groans, knowing she'll never fucking leave.

How does Theresa May change a Lightbulb?

She doesn't. She says Labour already screwed it up.

What does Theresa May think U.K. stands for?

Not much

Theresa May to host new game show!

Neither Deal Nor No Deal

Theresa May has asked to delay Brexit until June

It makes sense, June comes after the end of May.

Theresa May Survive Non-confidence vote...

...or she may not.

Thank you.

Yesterday, UK protesters tore down monuments of Boris Johnson and Theresa May

Lawyers assume that they will be charged for a statue-tory crime

Why can you tell that Theresa May failed physics?

She had power and time but didn't get the work done.

Creds to my friend for that one.

Headline news say British Prime Minister Theresa May Resign...

She is so indecisive that she can’t even make up her mind about resignation.

How is Theresa May Like a Catholic Teen?

She's got no Plan B after she gets screwed.

Why Did Jeremy Corbyn smile when Theresa May offered to resign?

He thought he was getting rid of something overdue-ish.

Theresa May's driver has an accident

Theresa May is touring Perthshire in the Prime Minister's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Theresa in her usual raspy manner, says to the chauffeur: "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out...

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Theresa May goes to see a sex therapist.

"Hello, Theresa. May I ask you a personal question?"

Theresa says, "Of course."

"Have you made love in the past two months?"

"No," replies Theresa. "But I've recently been fucked."

I have a recurring wet dream about Theresa May

Where I'm drowning her in the Thames.

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If Theresa May was put in the same situation as the first episode of Black Mirror...

Do you think she would've been okay with the Prime Minister fucking her?

Friend who lives in Russia told me this joke

(English isn't my first language, sorry if the translation isn't the best)



The phone rings at 10 Downing Street.

- Hello, mister Putin would like to speak with Theresa May.

- I'm afraid she's currently sleeping.

- Very well, if she wakes up please tell her that mi...

What do Theresa May and John Malkovich have in common?

They both played themselves.

Q: Why can't Theresa May look herself in the mirror?

A: Because she has no reflection

What does Theresa May do with her old, out-of-style clothes?

She wears them.

Jose Mourinho has been brought in to help Theresa May with Brexit negotiations.

He made leaving Europe look so easy.

"Pity about your boys coming in fourth in the world Cup!" joked Trump to Theresa May.

"Yeah..." she replied. "Pity about your boys coming second in Vietnam. Oh, you weren't there, were you?"

Theresa May to put a cap on immigrants coming into the UK. I think this is unfair...

They should be allowed to wear what they like.

To be fair Theresa May warned of a coalition of chaos propped up by extremist terrorist sympathisers

She just didn't say she'd be leading it

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

What are Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Theresa May doing in a room together?

...playing bridge.

Who is Theresa and why is everyone talking about what she may do?

I want to only hear about what Theresa actually does, not what Theresa MAY do.

Guess who may be out of a job tomorrow?

Theresa May....

Punctuation is very important...

There's a Maypole dancer.

Theresa May, pole dancer.

Countries take on attributes of their ruler

For example, there's a king on every kingdom, an emperor rules an empire, and Theresa May is causing mayhem.

I heard that the Brexit may not make such a big mess after all

But Theresa May

Trump visits the Queen.

While visiting England after his election victory, Donald Trump is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Trump asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the...

Teachers: “Procrastination is bad!”

Theresa May: “Hold my government”

Following yesterday's vote, the British PM officially changed her name

She now goes by the name of Theresa May Notbetheretomorrow

Is this true?

Heard a Chinese guy saying today that Theresa May has called for a general erection.

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World Leaders

President Macron, Theresa May and Angela Merkel meet for a summit at the North Sea.

Gazing over the water, May says, "We have a submarine that can stay underwater for 10 days."  Macron responds, "That's nothing, our submarines can stay underwater for 30 days!"  Merkel looks quite ashamed and ...

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