UPJOKE
scientificpsychologistsciencegeneticistthepermyselfannonscientistthonithemivitself

The Scientist Jokes

On the way to a conference, a revered scientist is talking to his chauffeur

The driver asks him:

"–Boss, I've driven you around the country for over 10 years. I've listened to your talks, hundreds of times. I am pretty sure I know everything by heart now. Would you like to make a bet?

—What kind of bet?

—We look alike. You've never talked in this city. ...

Scientists removed the right half of a man's brain...

...and then, they asked him to count to ten. The man counted, "two, four, six, eight, ten."

Then they put the right half back and removed the left half, and again asked the man to count to ten. The man counted, "one, three, five, seven, nine."

The scientists then removed both halves of...

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of helium?

HeHe...

Im making bad chemistry jokes coz all the good ones argon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

The scientist asks, "Hey, why so blue?"

The litmus paper answers, "I just came from a date with a pretty basic solution.”

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory

(English is my second language here but I will try to do my best, it is probably funnier in my language- A rephrase is welcomed!)

A scientist and a religious man were debating the evolution theory. The religious man was trying to convince the scientist that facts are more clearer than the sci...

I’m the scientist who just discovered that goose-down pillows are NOT resistant to sulphuric acid.

Although, apparently that’s not what my wife meant when she said we need to “experiment in the bedroom”

A white scientist is studying a tribe in Africa

A white scientist is studying an African tribe.

One day, the tribe leaders wife has a white son.

The tribe leader approaches the scientist soon after.

"Well, we both know what happened here. No one else could have done it. You slept with my wife, I have to kill you." The tribe l...

A great scientist invents a machine to split the pain of birth between a couple...

He finds a couple who just went into labour, and asks them if he can use the machine on them, as a test.

The couple agrees, and the husband says "We can split it 50 - 50, its only fair". So the scientist turns the machine up to 50%, just as the baby begins coming out, and the women starts gro...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

What did the radioactive isotope say to the scientist?

I.D.K.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the scientist who was conducting sexual experiments on dogs say to his partner?

"If you need me, I'll be in the lab."

What is the difference between a scientist, an engineer and a technician?

The scientist does it the best way.

The engineer does it the way that works.

The technician wonders about their definition of "Best" and "Works"

Why did the scientist eat photons after lunch?

He needed a light snack

What'd the scientist say to the man who was frozen to absolute zero?

Are you 0K?

Why did the scientist remove the bell off the house?

Because he wanted to win the NoBell prize.

What did the scientist testing his invisibility potion say?

Am I making myself clear?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once stole a jar of orca semen from my friend, the scientist. After a few years, I felt bad, and eventually returned it. My friend was obviously confused by this and said "Thanks, but what is it?" I replied...

"Your whale cum."

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their whole lives studying the majestic grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study these wondrous beasts.

Finally, their request was granted and they immediately flew to New York and then on west to Yellowstone. They reported to the local ranger station and were told that it w...

What did the scientist said after mixing oxygen and magnesium?

O Mg

Two scientist were exploring Chernobyl years after the incident.

They were shocked to find a man still living in the area seemingly unaffected by the radiation. They ask the man if he would return with them to conduct some tests to which he agreed.

They explained that as the man was probably highly irradiated, he would have to put on some protective clothi...

What did the scientist say when he found two isotopes of Helium?

HeHe

The Scientist and the Frog

A scientist wanted to test how far a frog could jump, so he trained it to jump on command.

The scientist said "jump" and the frog jumped an amazing 2.6 meters.

The scientist then cut off one of the frog's legs, and said "jump". Unsurprisingly the frog only jumped 2.1 meters.

The...

A scientists asks people on the street whats the most acidic thing they own. One man answers its his phone. The scientist replies: “No, acidic does not mean dirty”

The man replies: “I know, my phone has a ph of one”

An unethical young scientist finds a frog on the side of the road



He takes it in for studying and sets it on his desk. The scientist prods the frog and tells it to jump. The frog leaps an astonishing 3 feet 8 inches into the air.

The scientist takes one leg off the frog, and then pokes it again, yelling "Jump". The Frog needs no further telling and ...

What did the scientist say when his substances argued?

What's the matter?

Why did the scientist have such strong abs?

Because he kept his Planck’s constant

What did the Scientist say when he saw his time machine?

"Ahh...this really takes me back."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the scientist say when a stranger came inside his lab?

What the fuck dude get the hell away from my dog!

What did the suicidal guy say to the scientist who was trying to not get him to jump

You have so much potential

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dad's favourite joke. Mine too.

There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings.

At the event hundreds were there...

A scientist & a Buddhist were asked of the nature of existence

The scientist said “modern science is a flashlight illuminating through the darkness of our realities. The more we know the more questions arise. We know nothing, yet we know more now than ever before.”
When the Buddhist was asked the same question on the nature of existence she answered, “Yeah t...

What did the scientist tell his sister when she wouldn't sit still?

Stasis.

What did the scientist say to rebuke his colleague for telling a joke to a ball of plasma?

"This isnt a laughing matter."

A scientist built a robot but unbeknownst to him, the battery was damaged.

The only way to fix the battery was to sprinkle it with sodium chloride. Some chemical reaction with the combination of battery acid and sodium chloride caused the robot to act highly irrationally and attack the scientist, at which point the robot had to be detained by police.

The robot was c...

WHO investigators wanted to talk to the Wuhan scientists.

When they arrived to Wuhan Institute of Virology CCP officials informed them that unfortunately all the scientists have died after eating poison mushrooms.



WHO investigators were suspicious so they demanded that they exhume the bodies of dead scientists and check if they really died ...

What did the scientist say when he discovered the excretory system?

Urethra!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the scientist say to his hot assistant?

"There's only gonna be 7 planets left after I destroy Uranus."

Did you hear about the scientist who devoted his life to researching how to create potassium out of thin air?

Some could say... >!he’d gone bananas!<

Why did the scientist's results show that the Earth was flat?

Rounding error.

Why did the scientists announce to the world they had a vaccine without adequate human testing?

Because they were Russian...

The scientists have finally found out what a woman wants.

But she has already changed her mind.

Scientists invent a new machine to ease the pain during childbirth

The machine transfers the pain a woman feels during labor to the father of the baby, at any percentage rate between 0 and 100%.

The first couple to test it is very excited, they connect the machine to the soon-to-be-mother and warn the husbands about the consequences. "Men are not used to fee...

I came up with a great science joke, but the scientists didn't take it seriously enough to laugh at.

They told me it hadn't been peer reviewed.

A scientist is asked by the government to create the first teleporter.

Knowing that this will be an incredibly hard task, the scientist devotes every day to the task, until they have created the teleporter.

First, the scientist discovers that titanium and sulfur, when combined create a metal that would make a great base and projector for the teleporter, so they ...

What did the scientist say after attacking his colleague with sodium chloride?

That's a salt!

Did you hear about the scientist who discovered the G-spot?

He found it while studying abroad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Scientist walks into bar with an apple...

He sits down and the bartender says, "what's the apple for?" Scientist says "I made this apple taste like a screwdriver. Here, try it."
The bartender grabs it and takes a bite. "Woah! Tastes like vodka!"
"Turn it around," the scientist says. The bartender turns it around and takes another bite...

While defending the relevance of his laser experiments, the scientist shouted,

"Photons matter!"

What did the scientist say after discovering the medicinal content of homeopathic remedies ?

0mg !!!!

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.