UPJOKE
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The Opposite Jokes

What’s the opposite of a cactus?

A BMW, it has its pricks on the inside.

If pro is the opposite of con...

Then what's the opposite of progress?

The opposite of formaldehyde is

casualdejekyll.

Dad: What's the opposite of ladyfingers?

Kids : no idea



Dad : mentos

What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"?

Beth-amphetamine

What's the opposite of "young, dumb, and full of cum"?

"Old, smart, and can't trust a fart".

What’s the opposite of artificial intelligence?

Natural stupidity!

The opposite of Microsoft Office is...

Macrohard Onfire.

What’s the opposite of Holy Water?

Nestle

Did you know most people don't know the opposite to these words?

1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tinder is the opposite of porn ads....

There are actually tons of hot singles in my area, But none of them are interested in me.

I spent hours trying to find what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

What's the opposite of being able to wrap your head around something?

A turban :D

(It's my joke, MINE! If anyone *ever* wants to repost this, give me credit!)

What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

Christopher Walken

A majority of English Speakers do not know the opposite of these words...

Always, Coming, From, Take, Me, Down.

What's the opposite of ground beef?

High steaks

What is the opposite of a Debbie Downer?

Bethamphetamine

What's the opposite of Kanye?

A canoe. (sorry)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The opposite of an assassin is

a dickdickout

What is the opposite of a Mermaid...

... a landlord!!

(this is my sister’s joke, I can’t take credit for it)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A boob, a vagina and an asshole are debating as to who is the greatest of them all. Boob: I give milk to new born babies and I’m attractive to the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest. Vagina: I give birth to babies and I accommodate the opposite sex, that’s why I’m the greatest.

Now it’s your turn to speak.

What is the opposite of a croissant?

A happy uncle.

What's the opposite of an empath?

A W-path.


*edit* Thanks for the upvotes. My ten year old stepson made this one up, and he's very proud that his joke got so many upvotes.

Shout out to those who don’t know the opposite of in.

They need the help.

What is the opposite of lovey?

Haiti

What is the opposite of a wandering Jew?

A Roamin’ Catholic

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down

Son: Dad, what's the opposite of Karen?

Dad: Umm, I don't know, Sharon...?

Son: But I thought Sharon was Karen.




Edit: Thank you u/Ri0tp0p0 and u/CulturedCroissant for the awards! :)

What's the opposite of a smart house?

A residense.

What's the opposite of irony?

\- Wrinkly

A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a buddhist monk on the other side. There are no bridges. He has no boat. He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank. “How do I get to the other side?”

The buddhist monk shouts back: “You are on the other side.”

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me!

I want to go say hi but there's just so much history between us.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of unbridled lust?

Dressage sex.

What's the opposite of a mermaid?

Land Ho!

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

Clambake.

What's the opposite of Pyrite?

Cake wrong.

What is the opposite of sensei?

Nonsensei

My 5 yr old son came up with this - what is the opposite of Kathmandu?

DogLadyDont

If the opposite of misery is happiness, what is the opposite of woe?

Giddy up!

What is the opposite of mansplaining?

Missunderstanding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If con is the opposite of pro, then is Congress the opposite of progress?

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" The dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your mother, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the government. We're here to take care of your ...

The opposite of enlightment is ignorance

That makes me delighted

what is the opposite of downvoted into oblivion?

Upvoted into skyrim.

"Son, do you know what the opposite of ladyfingers is?"

"No dad," I say rolling my eyes.

"Mentos."

What's the opposite of stand up comedy?

A SITcom!

What do you call the opposite of an iPad mini?

A maxipad.

So, if the opposite of 'pro' is 'con'

What's the opposite of 'progress'?

What is the opposite of a protein?

An amateur teen ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

What's the opposite of mitosis?

Your finger bro!

What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay. (One of *the* worst and yet best jokes my dad made. I love him.)

If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress?

congress



(my dad told this one to me today and I had never heard of it so I apologize if everyone has already seen this joke before)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a robot who changes people into the opposite sex.

I guess he's a trans former

What is the opposite of a woman wearing a burka

A naked man wearing a blindfold

The opposite of "constitution"...

...is "prostitution"...

What's the opposite of Stephen Hawking?

Stephen Walking

Does anyone know the opposite of export elephant?

It's important.

What is the opposite of mangoes?

Woman comes

What's the opposite of a hot dog?

A chili dog

I spent two years figuring out the opposite word for night.

But after all that time I decided to give up and call it a day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does one saggy boob say to the opposite saggy boob?

“If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts"

I keep forgetting what the opposite of night is called.

I gave up and just called it a day.

What's the opposite of women's studies?

History.

What’s the opposite of tight quarters?

Loose change.

What do you call the opposite of a lady’s finger?

Mentos

The opposite of 'isolate' is...

Usoearly. ._.

What’s the opposite of Protest?

Contest.

Whats the opposite of Progress?

What is the opposite of a lesson?

A more-on!

The opposite of Neil Gaiman...

Is Stand StraightWoman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the opposite of colonization?

Coronization. Everybody stays the fuck at home.

Teacher: What is the opposite of antibiotic

Student: Uncle-biotic

What’s the opposite of Sad Pie Night?

You tell me ;)

What is the opposite of Le Stop?

Lego

Reposters are the opposite of liars

Liars swear they made nothing up.
Reposters swear they made *everything* up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Flossing is the opposite of masturbating

Everyone says they floss but no one actually does it.

What is the opposite of Nautica clothing?

Ica clothing

What is the opposite of Down Syndrome?

Down Gooddeeddrome

What's the opposite of goodwill?

Badwon't. I'll see myself out...

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