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The Butler Jokes

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A butler is cleaning one of the guest rooms in a mansion when the lady of the house walks in.

She fixes him with an imperious gaze and cocks one arm on her hip "Charles," she says, "take off my dress."



The butler swallows hard, but he knows his duty. He puts his hands on the buttons of her dress and starts to undo them, one by one. More and more skin is revealed until finally,...

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The wife of a wealthy business man calls their butler into her bedroom while her husband is away on a trip for work

"Jeeves," she says at once, "take off my dress."

"Yes madam!" He replies, unbuttoning the top of her dress and watching it fall to the floor.

"Now, I want you to take off my bra."

"Oh, yes ma'am!" replies Jeeves, unhooking the front clasp of the fancy lace bra and throwing it ca...

The master and the butler.

Master: go outside and see if it's cloudy.
Butler after going outside and coming back:I couldn't know if it's cloudy because the rain obscured my vision.

A wealthy man on a business trip calls home and the butler answers the phone: “Can I talk to my wife, please?”

The butler answers that she is currently in the bedroom with a man. “What?!! Take the rifle in my study, go to the bedroom and shoot them both - I’ll stay on the line”

“Very well, sir”, the butler answers and he walks away from the phone. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots and a...

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

A young master and his butler visit the Yellowstone National Park.

In the vicinity and unnoticed by the young master is his fiercest rival.

As the young master turns his back, the rival makes a silent attempt on his life.

The butler, always prepared to defend his charge, rushes ...

Man calls home on the landline and the butler picks up the phone

Man: Hand over the phone to my wife.

Butler: But she is in the bedroom with sir.

Man: But I am here. Who is she with? I am sure she is cheating on me.

Listen. I’ll pay you $20000. Go and kill both of them right now.

Butler: Ok. Hang on.

After 2 minutes.
...

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

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The Duchess and the Butler.

The Duchess arrived home early having imbibed a little too much wine. When about to enter her bedroom she noticed her butler Jeeves down the hallway.


"Jeeves," she called, "Come here immediately," Yes Ma'am," answered Jeeves.

She sat on the bed and asked Jeeves to sit beside...

A lady and her butler

A rich couple was going out for the evening. The lady of the house decided to give the butler, Throckmorton, the night off.

She said they would be home very late and he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, the wife didn't have a good time at the party, so she came home ear...

A man calls his home and his newly appointed butler picks up the phone...

Still a little nervous about his newly assigned duties, the butler answered nervously “Hello, who’s this?”

The man was a little frustrated with the butler’s lack of experience and so he replied impatiently “It’s your boss you idiot!”

Feeling guilty about not recognizing his own boss’s...

English lord returns home and finds his wife in bed with her lover...

... He quietly leaves the room, and calls the butler:

\- John, could you please bring me my saber.

John brings the saber. The lord takes it and enters the bedroom. A few seconds later he comes out, wiping the saber with a handkerchief, and tells the butler:

\- John, please bring...

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

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A rich man and his butler discuss what they’re getting their wives for Valentine’s Day

The butler asks the rich man, “what are you getting your wife?”

The man says,”I’m going to get her a Range Rover and a pair of diamond earrings!”

The butler was impressed but asked, “why two gifts for your wife, sir?”

“So she can wear her diamond earrings while driving her Range...

Hitman kills cheating wife

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her w...

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This message is for those who appreciate the finer points of the English language

His Lordship was in the study when the butler approached and coughed discreetly.

"May I ask you a question, My Lord?"

"Go ahead, Carson ," said His Lordship.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and found a word the exact meaning of which I am not too certain."


...

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

A lord goes on vacation

A British lord went on vacation. After one week his butler sends him a telegram:

"Your cat fell off the roof and croaked."

Upon receiving this, the lord furiously canceled his vacation and made his way home where he berated his butler.

"Look if I was in your place I would have p...

A rich man decides to visit Europe

After a few weeks, he received a message from his butler simply saying, "Your dog is dead." Upon his return, the rich man began to scold the butler for how poorly he had handled the situation. "How should I have handled it sir?" The butler asked.
"Well, you could have started with, your dog is on...

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The Turtle, Lizard, and Rabbit

One day, Turtle, Lizard, and Rabbit decide to start a garden. So as first things first they needed manure for their plants, Turtle and Lizard send the rabbit to town for the manure while they dig. While Rabbit was in town searching for the rich soil, Turtle and Lizard strike oil. As the rabbit retur...

The gentleman husband called home...

... and the butler picked up.

Husband (H): Where is my lady? Give her the phone.

Butler (B): Good Afternoon Sir, umm, well, she is in the bedroom with someone.

H (Infuriated): What? What are they doing?
Butler checked and informed him that they were kissing.

H (Very ...

Dead Cat

A rich businessman goes on holiday .While he is away his butler sends him a message saying “Cats dead”.

Distraught at the death of his beloved pet the man returns home and berates the butler for being so callous.

“You should break bad news gently” says the businessman .“If I had been ...

There’s a knock at the door

The butler goes and answers the door.

“Sir, there’s a man at the door with a mustache.”

“I’m not interested, tell him I’ve already got one!”

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Duke!

Dave goes to visit his friend, the rich Lord Pendergrast, for lunch. Lord Pendergast greets him at the door, along with his trusty hound Duke, and after greetings and a warm embrace, the butler shows them into the banquet hall where they sit down to dine. Duke plops down beside Dave, hoping for some...

Bill Gate's butler was giving Bill's old friend a tour of Bill's house.

The friend couldn't help but notice that everything in the house was digital. They didn't even have a physical tv. Everything was a hologram. Heck it felt like the house itself was digital. Further away into the tour the old friend couldn't help but notice a piece of paper with some ink on it that l...

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A rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle.

This was told to me by my grandfather years ago. Not the greatest, but as a kid it made me laugh.

A rabbit, a buzzard and a turtle were walking down a road when they came across a farm. The farmer had his life packed up and was driving away. He told the trio the farm has been barren for yea...

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The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than h...

About a wealthy man, his wife and their butler John

Wealthy man and his wife decided to go to a party. They planned on staying there for the night, so they gave the butler a day off.

Sadly, the wife wasn't pleased with the party so she decided to go home. When she arrives, she saw John in the dining room. She took him to the sleeping room, an...

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Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.

He had just one problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but on...

The curse of the coffin

Three men, Gary, Dan, and Job, grew up together as best friends. They dreamed of one day becoming rich and would do anything to attain wealth. One day, as they were sitting in the local bar, they overheard another group of men discussing the long lost buried treasure of Captain Sleazybeard. The thre...

The billionaire was taking his bath when he had to fart...

Not wanting to embarrass himself in front of his manservant, he said "Jeeves, go downstairs and fetch me a cup of coffee."
"Very good, sir" said the butler and made for the bathroom door.
By now the billionaire was struggling to hold it in, but finally Jeeves closed the door behind him. A subs...

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One day a multi billionaire was bored, so he asked his butler to get him 3 men.

A few hours later the butler comes back. The man says "OK I've got a deal you can't refuse. Whoever can swim successfully across this pool filed with sharks, eels, and leeches may have whatever his heart desires."

No one replies so the man gives up.

All of a sudden the man hears a sp...

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A wealthy woman with a headache goes with her husband to a party.

After 20 minutes, she says, "Honey, I'm not feeling too well. You stay and have a nice time. I'll be at home waiting for you later.

She drives backs to her large home, walks upstairs, begins filling the tub, and walks into her bedroom. The butler is there.

She says to him, "Unbutton ...

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

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A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

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