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Sweety Jokes

On her death bed, my wife said, "Sweety! I'll see you in Heaven."

Since then, I've kicked a puppy, stole from 4 shops and set fire to an orphanage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

Boy: Sweety, ya know.. My time slows down whenever I'm around you..

Girl (physicist): YOU MEAN I'M FAT??

At breakfast, a husband says to his wife, "I want us to try doggy tonight"

Surprisingly to the husband the wife agrees.

So that night, both quite excited, the husband cooks his wife a lovely dinner. After enjoying the meal they head upstairs and get into bed. The husband leans over to his wife, kisses her on the cheek and says, "night night sweety"

The wife...

Woman is at a maternity hospital in a lot of pain.

Her husband strokes her back and says, "I'm sorry sweety, you have to go through this"

She says, "Don't worry. It's not your fault."

Young Bill Gates asks wife for advice

Bill: Hey honey, what do you think I should call my new company? I need something that really reflects who I am.

His wife: I don't know sweety, what about Microsoft?

I was in the car with my family, talking about self esteem...

My 6 six year old daughter says... "daddy, what happens when you look in the mirror and you're ugly?" I'm immediately concerned and ask her "sweety, did someone say something mean to you? you are beautiful". She quickly replies, "no daddy, I was talking about you."

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

Dad joke to his daughter

Daughter: How do they know Humpty Dumpty was an egg? They never mention that in the story.

Dad: You wouldn't understand sweety, it's an inside yolk.

Daughter: You crack me up Dad

Dad: Hey good one

My wife told me that she's leaving me because I'm so arrogant,

I told her "Don't let the door hit you on the way back in sweety"

Here's a bit of family-friendly ADD humor, compliments of my wife and daughter

So, my wife, children, and myself were out in town the other day. My wife was reprimanding our daughter for not listening and for not paying attention to things going on. The conversation went as follows (names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved):

Jane (wife): Jill, I ...

I need a compliment

*Wife:* I'm so ugly, fat and poorly dressed honey, I need a compliment to make me feel better.

*Husband:* Well, you do have a perfect eyesight sweety.

A man as soon as he gets to his home

He says to his wife:

-Honey, we've got a problem...

Before he continues his wife says:

-Sweety, we've got to work together in any trouble we encounter in life, if you have a problem WE got a problem. Ok now that I made myself clear what were you saying?.

-Our secretary is...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

I Came Home to my Find my Family Holding an Intervention

"Honey," my wife says, "we're worried about how much you've been drinking as of late. We believe you suffer from alcoholism." I peer down at my usual thirty-pack of beer I pick up every Friday after work. "Sweety, kids, I'm not an alcoholic," I express to my loved ones. "Alcoholics *need* alcohol. I...

Mr. Pineapple and his Honey Melon are berry in love..

"Sweety, we are ripe for a wedding! Let's invite olive our fruity friends!"

"Are you sure we cantaloupe?"

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Sugar in Semen

A professor is lecturing a class and says, "Today's lecture will be about glucose. Glucose is sugar and can be found in lots of stuff. For example, semen, candy, etc."

A blonde girl responds with, "How come you can't taste sugar in semen?"

The professor says, "Well, sweety, that's be...

It's little Johnny's birthday

And his parents say he can have whatever he wants. He first asks his dad if they can shower together. "sure, son. Just don't look down."

Johnny looks down. "what's that daddy?"

Quick to think, his father replies, "that's my limousine."

Later that night, little johnny asks his mo...

A Polish man sends his daughter abroad to study

She comes back and says "father I have a confession. I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is!"

The Polish father buries his face in his hands and says "oh sweety, this can't be true!" He looks up at her and says "Are you sure it's yours?"

3 bucks for climbing a tree

A mom picked up her daughter at an elementary school.
The daughter happily hop in the car and said,"Mommy! I earned 30 bucks today!"

"How?" the mom was both surprised and confused.

"My classmate John paid me 3 bucks to climb a tree, and I climbed 10 times!" the daughter replied. ...

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I wonder if she got mileage points?

So a woman goes to the Ob/Gyn.

Ob: What brings you in today?
Patient: Uhm... I’ve been finding Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina.
Ob: You’ve been finding what, where?!
Patient: Costa Rican postage stamps in my vagina...
Ob: Have you BEEN to Costa Rica?
Patient: No!
Ob...

A blonde walks into a library

and says to the librarian,"I'll have a cheese burger."
the librarian replies softly says,"Sweety, this is a library."
the blonde whispers,"Oh. Sorry, I'll have a cheese burger."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman broke up

A man and a woman were going their separate ways after 5 months together. The woman was on her way to her parents house and broke down when talking to her mom. “Mom”, the young lady said, “he made fun of me and I couldn’t take it so I ended it.” The parents were pissed at the man and drove the lady ...

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