This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

Giuliani tested positive for covid-19.

Looks like he finally won a case!

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

Be Positive

My grandfather died when we couldn't remember his blood type. While dying, he kept saying to us 'be positive'. But the situation was so difficult

For the first time in my life, I got positive feedback on my exams

Too bad it was from the STI Clinic

Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19

She tested alternative-negative

The positive and negative

There was once a surprise meeting between the +ve and the -ve sign

The positive + sign was really intrigued and said well I am better than you since I add something of value .What are you here for it asked the -ve sign

The - sign said I am.here to make a difference!

How come the media never says anything positive about trump?

Until today there was nothing to report.

I was having trouble sleeping, so my HIV positive friend gave me a sleeping pill

And now I have sleep aids

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.

I didn’t realise they were that close!

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

I was shocked to see on the news that Melania tested positive for COVID aswell

She has been socially distancing from the president since their honeymoon.

The entire Trump family, except for Maryanne Trump Barry, has tested positive for Covid-19!

Hmmm, maybe the Aunty Maskers are onto something...

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

Someone called me pretty today

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying" but i only focus on the positive things

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

Trump has tested positive for covid 19

If he injects himself with bleach, then he will have a taste of his own medicine.

All the jokes say Trump finally tested positive on something without cheating, but...

Have you *seen* the aide who gave it to him?

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why has Trump never tested positive for COVID-19?

Because the swab always comes out covered in bullshit.

What’s one thing that turned out positive in 2020? I’ll go first:

My COVID test.

I went to the doctors yesterday. After my checkup I told them I was just trying to stay positive.

I don't know why they looked so concerned.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your boss tests positive for the Coronavirus...

Does that mean all the ass kissers in the office have to get tested as well?

So I asked my friend to hangout and he said, “Can’t, I tested positive for COVID-19, but do you have any deer ticks?

...because I could really go for a Corona and Lyme right now”

What should Quentin Tarantino do if he's tested positive for coronavirus?

Tent-in Quarantino.

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

I’m scared because a neighbor tested positive

I might be the dad

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

Double Positives

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a nega...

Im positive I just lost an electron

I guess I’ll keep an ion that

My dad died last year when my family couldn't remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.

As he was dying he kept insisting, "Be positive!", but it's difficult to be positive without him.

I have always thought of myself as a positive person.

Now thanks to COVID-19 I have proof!

Chuck Norris tested positive for COVID-19.

The virus is now in quarantine for two weeks.

My fortune cookie said that something positive would happen to me this week and it finally happened!!!

Guys do you know what this coronavirus thing is?

My girlfriend got the coronavirus so I broke up with her. 2 weeks later, she’s seeing a new guy now and apparently he just tested positive. Be careful out there everyone, I guess what they say is true.

Ex gon give it to ya

Did you hear Stephen Miller's wife tested positive for COVID?

It turns out swallowing vampire is as dangerous as eating bat.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

Jake: I think I might be HIV positive

Paul: Omg I'm so sorry. How did you find out?

Jake: Well, I had accidentally come in someone's ear once, years ago. I saw her again yesterday

Paul: And..?

Jake: She has hearing AIDS now!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

A man's wife comes up to him with a positive pregnancy test...

"Are you kidding me!" she says.
"Yes."

You're so positive!!!

A message from Corona

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A manager of a small restaurant just discovered that someone in their town tested positive for COVID-19

The manager calls a meeting of his three employees--an Italian, a Scottsman, and a Japanese man.

The manager says to the Italian, "Sanitize everything in the kitchen!"

The manager then says to the Scottsman, "Make new to-go flyers! All our new dishes need to be on there!"

The ma...

R.Kelly has tested positive..

for SHEWASNT-19

Hip-hop Music Artist Lil' Wayne announced that he's tested positive for COVID-19

The rapper said that he's okay and mostly recovered though, just a lil'weezy.

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."

I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.

Today I decided to give up most of the internet and turned to Reddit for some positivity.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

[But legit Reddit is more positive than most of the rest of the internet. Despite our worst intentions.]

If those who can’t hear are deaf, and those who can’t see are blind, what do you call those who can’t smell or taste?

Covid positive.

I must be a pessimist,

I've been trying to avoid positive people all year

2019: Stay away from negative People

2020: Stay away from positive people

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

Harvey Weinstein tests positive for coronavirus while in jail.

He probably thought 19 in COVID-19 meant age.

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