I can't blame them for disqualifying Sha’Carri Richardson after she tested positive for marijuana.

It's definitely a performance enhancing drug. I smoke weed and can run a 3-day mile.

Someone once left a positive review at the DMV

The manager saw it and immediately fired everyone

English Professor: "While two negatives can mean a positive, in the English language there are no two positives that connote a negative."

From back of class: "Yea. Right!"

The math professor explained "two negatives becomes a positive, but two positives cannot become a negative"

A student rolled his eyes and said  "Yeah, yeah"

A linguistic philosopher made the claim that there is no language in which a double positive implies a negative during a lecture.

To which someone responded, "Yeah, yeah."

What did the positive charge say to the negative charge after their first date?

*"We have potential."*

I got kicked out of a hospital after saying to a Covid-19 patient..

Stay positive

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

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I've tested positive

for needing a fucking vacation

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What will you get if a HIV positive person fucks your ear?

Hearing aids.

Positivity

I was sent on a positive mindset training course today. It was good but the room was half empty...

Positive Corona cases are way down in Texas over the last few days...

It requires power to perform the test.

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

What do you call a lying robot with a positive outlook?

Optimist prime the deception-con

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

As his Presidency comes to an end, I think it's important to reflect on the one positive result of Donald Trump's term.

His Covid19 test result.

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Two rights make a wrong

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class.

“In English”, he explained, “a double negative forms a positive. In some languages such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative.”

“However,” the professor continued, “there is no language where a double positive can form a nega...

Paralampics

Three wheelchair users in the Paralympics have tested positive for WD40

Blood type

My father died while the paramedics were trying to figure out his blood type he kept saying “Be Positive” but it’s just so hard.

My friend has tested positive for Covid.

She said that she caught it off of her Cat.


Don't ask "Meow."

Chuck Norris tested positive for coronavirus

The virus is now on a ventilator.

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

Can't believe trump tested positive for covid-19

when all he had to do was to not get tested.

>!Man. Woman. TV. Coronavirus.!<

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

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Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

Alzheimer's has a positive side too

Every day you get to meet new people.

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and...

Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China

I hope they've put it straight into iceolation

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

Getting Alzheimer's is like being famous because you won't recognize anybody, but everybody will recognize you...

Plus, if there's just one positive from getting Alzheimer's... It's laughing at the brand new jokes in this subreddit all day, everyday!

After receiving an 89 on his English exam, an immigrant mother tries to cheer up her perfectionist son by telling him "You've gotta be positive!"

"It's pronounced 'B plus'", replied the son, "and I wanted an A!"

Two doctors and 1 Pharmacy

A women goes to Pharmacy and when she is done getting her items the cashier asks if she wants to get a free covid shot but the women says "God will protect me from covid".

When the women gets home she gets a call from her doctor saying your qualified to come today to get your covid shot but t...

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This is as good a day as any to post this old one...

An older catholic priest is sweeping up between the pews after mass when a very attractive scantily clad young woman rushes into the church. She is visibly upset as she runs up to the priest, holding her face in her hands and sobbing.

Although the priest noticed her ample physique and skim...

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

Ive been very depressed because of lack of sleep so i asked the doctor about the positives and the negatives of sleeping medication. He said that they can be a great tool for sleeping but if you take too much you'll die.

I said okay. Now what are the negatives?

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

The positive and negative

There was once a surprise meeting between the +ve and the -ve sign

The positive + sign was really intrigued and said well I am better than you since I add something of value .What are you here for it asked the -ve sign

The - sign said I am.here to make a difference!

Be Positive

My grandfather died when we couldn't remember his blood type. While dying, he kept saying to us 'be positive'. But the situation was so difficult

Donald Trump and his wife Melania have tested positive for coronavirus.

I didn’t realise they were that close!

How come the media never says anything positive about trump?

Until today there was nothing to report.

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Darth Vader takes a trip to the clinic after having unprotected sex. What did his test results come back positive for?

Sithilis

You know what they call it when you get a positive covid result?

M-m-m-my Sure-Rona!

A guy goes to work and before he even gets a chance to sit his personal assistant starts reporting

\-"our profits have diminished by 5%, we lost the job in China meaning we look at another 10% losses by the end of the semester, Mr. Jones has given us his resignation, your wife called and said that she is leaving you and she is taking the children with her and the big boss wanted to see you asap a...

So my dad died last year

We were in a car accident and my dad lost loads of blood. EMT came onto the scene but nobody could remember what his blood type is in time for them to give him a transfusion.

Even as he died, Dad kept telling us to "Be positive" but it's hard without you here Dad. Hope you're in a better plac...

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Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

For the first time in my life, I got positive feedback on my exams

Too bad it was from the STI Clinic

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4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

A blonde takes a pregnancy test and it comes out positive...

After telling her boyfriend she cries 'How are we going to afford so many babies?'

He says 'It couldn't tell you that, how many did it say we're having?'

'98.6!'

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If your boss tests positive for the Coronavirus...

Does that mean all the ass kissers in the office have to get tested as well?

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

What should Quentin Tarantino do if he's tested positive for coronavirus?

Tent-in Quarantino.

The entire Trump family, except for Maryanne Trump Barry, has tested positive for Covid-19!

Hmmm, maybe the Aunty Maskers are onto something...

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

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