The 30+ Best Positive Jokes

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

Two positives never make a negative.

Yeah, right.

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

After all this time, I still haven’t tested positive for Covid…

…wouldn’t it be funny if it was just because I wasn’t sticking the swab far enough into my ear?

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from many men.

It was laid out over five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return....

Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

I got my COVID test today, it says 50. What does that mean?

Also, my IQ test came back positive

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

Did you hear about the guy who lost his job at Pepsi?

He tested positive for coke.

A man discovered a small fashion boutique that had just opened, and went in.

After telling the clerk that he's "just looking", he peeked around and found a shirt he thought would look good on him.

"What a nice shirt," he said.

Then he heard a voice, as if from inside the shirt itself: "What a nice shirt, a nice shirt."

At first, the man was shocked, but...

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

My dad died because we couldnt remember his blood type.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive" but it's hard without him.

Prepare three envelopes

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three envelopes number 1, 2 and 3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Things...

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Get your treatment for $500. If not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young (who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about medicine) thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000
so he went to Dr. Geeze...

A Farmer leaves his farm in the care of the farmhand

A farmer has to travel for a week, so he leaves his farm in the care of his farmhand. Before he goes, he instructs him: 'Do not call me for every little issue or problem you have. Only if it's a big issue, contact me!'

Four days pass and the farmhand calls him at his hotel: "Boss, the broom ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dog Poop

Two men are walking on the sidewalk until one of them stops.

"Hey, what's that brown thing on the ground?" he asks his friend.

The second man looks closer to the sidewalk. "Huh, looks like dog poop," he says.

"Are you sure?"

"Hold on." The man leans down and smells the it...

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

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