This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my friend four pregnancy tests and they all came out positive, and now she crying, she asked me..

“How the fuck am I going to feed four kids”

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CDC: Mr. President, two Brazilian diplomats have tested positive for the coronavirus.

Trump: Holy shit! (pause) How many is a "brazilian"?

Replace the negative with the positive.......

and next time put the battery in right the first time.

I'm positive that there's something slightly off about the sound of this theremin...

...but I just can't put my finger on it.

I'm positive my wife has been putting superglue on my biceps at night

I asked her about it and she says no, but I'm sticking to my guns.

A linguistic professor was giving a lecture.

" In English, a double negative becomes a positive. But it is not true for every language. In Russian, a double negative still remains a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

Student - "yeah, right".

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I went on a positive thinking course today.

It was shit.

A Blonde Woman Asks For A $5000 Loan

A blonde woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Ro...

My blood tests came back positive.

I definitely have blood.

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My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

My Dad recently passed away because he couldn't remember his blood group so that we can give him blood. He was telling us to "Be Positive. Be Positive",but I don't know how we could at such a bad time.

Really sad....

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The police asked me to identify what they thought was my girlfriends body.

They pulled the sheet back to show her blond hair, blue eyes and pretty face. "I can't be certain." I said. The sheet went down to reveal her creamy white breast and perky nipples. "Sorry, I'm still not sure." They took the sheet completely off. I stared at the pale body and shaved pussy, "That's de...

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

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Positive Attitude

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He reali...

neighbor got a job driving a pepsi truck, they fired him the next day.

he tested positive for coke.

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous ...

Covid-19 is just like the flu, don't believe in all social media that are fear mongering.

Spread the word and be positive

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

Im Sick and Tired of talking about the corona virus

I just want to stay positive

An atom is sitting at a bar

One says over a drink, "I think I lost all my electrons" the bartender asks "are you sure?" The atom replies "I'm positive"

A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

I tested for possible cases of corona in my lab today.

Only one was positive; the other three just turned out to be budweiser with a bit of added tequila.

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A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

My friend Dave just turned 30 and was positively distraught. He said, ‘I don’t want to get any older!’

... so I killed him

When I said I was a positive person...

I meant HIV

What is positive about Switzerland?

I don't know, but the flag is a big plus

An MIT linguistics professor

An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. "In english" he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages such as Russian, a double negative remains negative. But there isnt a sigle language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."...

Scroll down for some positive Brexit news!!

Scroll down for some positive Brexit news!!

Keep going...

What, you didn't seriously expect to see some did you?

My friend got fired

VERY SAD DAY for a friend of mine of after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one small indiscretion. She slept with one of her patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, money and training. She's still paying on her school loans. This goes to show ...

Two positive people walk into a bar.

They never meet.

It's great when battery positive terminals are marked.

When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus.

What do you call a cheery positive transformer?

Optimistic Prime.

It was hard when my ex-girlfriend called and told me she was HIV positive.

Pretending to be surprised can be so difficult.

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