UPJOKE
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Positive Jokes

I'm positively magnetic!

When I meet someone positive, I repel them!

I tested positive for COVID-19 on New Year's Day.

Guess you could say I started 2022 on a positive note.

My aim in life is to turn negative into positive...

...which is how I lost my job at AIDS clinic.

By Andrew Lawrence

So Boris Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19...

Anyone else concerned with how quickly the virus has jumped from human to politician?

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

I'm positive I lost an electron...

...better keep an ion that.

The President of the United States Donald Trump and First Lady Melania have tested positive for the coronavirus

This is also probably the first and only time ever that Melania has been or will ever be positive around Trump

Netflix’s new live-action anime adaption “One Piece” bombs despite majority positive reviews from critics and audiences

The studio blames their poor numbers off the series glorifying piracy.

Psychiatrist: "You need to think more positive and generalize less."

Me: "Yeah, it's a shame that everyone's so negative."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tested positive

I tested positive for being the worlds sexiest person. Unfortunately i am showing no symptoms

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A poem about positive thoughts

Little little bird in the sky

You look up it shits in your eye

You don’t weep you don’t cry

You thank god that cows don’t fly

What's the hardest part when your ex tells you she is HIV positive

Trying to act surprised.

Chuck Norris has tested positive for Coronavirus

After months of excruciating pain the virus died.

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

Two positives never make a negative.

Yeah, right.

Covid Positive.

My friend has tested positive for Covid.

She said that she caught it off of her Cat.

Don't ask "Meow."

After all this time, I still haven’t tested positive for Covid…

…wouldn’t it be funny if it was just because I wasn’t sticking the swab far enough into my ear?

Positive quote on living with Schizophrenia disorder

There is always someone there who cares for you without your knowledge

Donald Trump's presidency is already positively affecting the economy.

Alcohol sales have never been higher.

Why SpongeBob is always positive?

Because he's squared.

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 types of orgasm...

Do you know that there are 4 types of orgasm… the Holy Orgasm, The Positive Orgasm, the Negative Orgasm and the Fake Orgasm.
The Holy Orgasm sounds like ‟Oh God, oh god…”
The Positive Orgasm goes ‟Yes, yes, oh yes, ”
The Negative Orgasm goes ‟no, no, oh no”
and the fake orgasm, the fa...

I heard that Prince Charles tested positive for Covid-19

Looks like he got coronated at last!

I was a bit depressed so I surrounded myself with positive people

Now I am at the hospital.

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

How to always stay positive in life:

| life |

My crush told me that I'm pretty.

Well, the whole sentence was "you're pretty annoying", but I focus only on the positive things.

R. Kelly in the news again--tested positive for the COVID-15 virus

...apparently COVID-19 was a little too old for him.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

What’s the most positive thing about 2022 so far?

COVID tests

A man gets a call from his doctor after a drug test.

"You've tested positive for opiates." The doctor said.

The man quickly replied: "Oh I had a bagel with poppy seeds earlier."

"Yes well you also tested positive for cannabis, LSD, and cocaine."

"...It was an everything bagel."

Donald Trump has tested positive for COVID-19.

Looks like RBG won her first case before God.

One positive thing about voyeurs:

They tend to be real peephole pleasers

I got my covid test results and I'm so confused.. it was just the number 83...

On the plus side my IQ test came back positive

I told my colleague to stay positive…

…which, in hindsight, would be unhelpful considering he has COVID.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've tested positive

for needing a fucking vacation

Ryu is the most positive of the Street Fighters

He answers every question with “Sure you can!”.

My goal for 2022 is to stay positive

That way I can just quarantine at home instead of going to work.

The positive and negative

There was once a surprise meeting between the +ve and the -ve sign

The positive + sign was really intrigued and said well I am better than you since I add something of value .What are you here for it asked the -ve sign

The - sign said I am.here to make a difference!

Positive...

James finds a friend whom he hasn't spoken with for a long time, so to be nice, he breaks the ice:

" -Hey Oscar, how are you doing?"

" -Terrible."

" -What?! What about your Ferrari?"

" -Wrecked in an accident... and the insurance had just expired."

" -Well, you win...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Absolutely NO FUCKING WAY Trump's really COVID positive.

You can't get sick from a hoax.

Be Positive

My grandfather died when we couldn't remember his blood type. While dying, he kept saying to us 'be positive'. But the situation was so difficult

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Positive attitude

Late in the night he regained consciousness.
He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.
She gave him a deep look straight ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

Trump tests positive for COVID-19.

He finally passed a test without cheating, good for him.

My friend's dad just died and his last words were "Be positive"

We could have saved him if we knew his blood type

Sending Positive Thoughts...

... is apparently the wrong card to get someone awaiting HIV test results.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandad died because we didn’t get his blood type right. He kept saying, “Be positive! Be positive!”

And so we tried transfusing B positive blood but apparently he was just an optimistic little bastard was a Type A

My Horse tested positive for CV-19

He's in a Stable condition...

Rapper Eminem has tested positive for COVID-19

In a statement released by doctors, it has been been revealed the following symptoms: his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. Not to mention that there was vomit on his sweater already.

Initial testing suggests that the cause is: Mom's Spaghetti.

Alzheimer's has a positive side too

Every day you get to meet new people.

As a perpetually pessimistic person, I finally have something to be positive about!

It was a COVID test.





(Note: My actual test came back negative.)

Kellyanne Conway did not test positive for Covid-19

She tested alternative-negative

R.Kelly has tested positive..

for SHEWASNT-19

With all the negativity in the world today...

...at least Charlie Sheen is staying positive.

A pastor, an imam, and a rabbit decide to donate blood.

The pastor comes out and says, “They tested it and told me I’m A positive.”

The imam follows up with, “Interesting! I found out I’m AB negative.”

The rabbit looks at the two of them and says, “Pretty sure I’m a type O.”

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