I'm so depressed...

Even my own blood is like, "Be positive!"

My teacher said that two positives can't make a negative.

Yeah right

Whenever I get down or feel overwhelmed, I think back to my great uncle's final words to me from his deathbed, "be positive!"

That being said, I would have preferred he just answered the question I asked him about his blood type so we could have saved him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Positive Attitude

Late in the night, he finally regained consciousness.

He was in the hospital, in terrible pain.

He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his nose, needles and IV drips in both arms,
a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him.

He reali...

Got called in for a drug test at work...

They said I tested positive for opioids.

I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning."

They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?"

"It was an everything bagel."

What’s both positive and negative?


A Proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar...

A proton, a neutron and Helium walk into a bar and order three beers.
The bartender appears with three beers in hand and asks the proton, “Are you sure you are above 21?”
The proton replies, “I’m positive.” The bartender then gives the proton his beer.
He then says to neutron while giving ...

A friend of mine asked me how he should react if his girlfriend tells him that she's HIV positive

I said, "The trick is to always act surprised."

Why are square roots never sad?

Because they're always positive.

My grandfather with alzheimer died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.

As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple is having some issues in their relationship and decide to see a marriage councilor. They sit down on the couch and the councilor says, "I'd like to start this session off by focusing on the positive things in your relationship. Tell me, what do you have in common?"

The husband quickly replies, "Neither one of us sucks dick."

A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

When I said I was a positive person...

I meant HIV

Two positive people walk into a bar.

They never meet.

Did you hear about the guy who’s surrounded by positive people at his workplace?

Yeah, he really hates his work at the HIV clinic.

What do you call a cheery positive transformer?

Optimistic Prime.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

It's great when battery positive terminals are marked.

When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus.

A motivational speaker gave blood, what was his blood type?


An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing the other day: "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn't a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right."

It was hard when my ex-girlfriend called and told me she was HIV positive.

Pretending to be surprised can be so difficult.

Double negatives are positives

Ain't nothin' right about that.

I had a job interview today that I'm feeling pretty positive about.

The manager said they were looking for somebody responsible.

“You’ve found your man,” I responded. “Whenever there was a problem at my last job, they always said that I was responsible!”

I was almost beaten up to death when I told a guy 'Hope you get a positive result'

I am never going to the HIV test lab again.

I am a positive person...

When someone is negative to me, I become negative to him as well to make the whole situation positive

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

When my grandfather was dying we struggled to figure out his blood type. He just kept telling us to be positive.

and then they just gave him o-negative because it works with all blood types

There isn't anything positive in my life.

Wait scratch that, there was that HIV test.

Someone somewhere out there is thinking about you and the positive impact you had on their lives.

It's not me. I think you're messed up.

Finally got positive results on a test

Too bad it was a drug test.. :/

I'm positive I lost an electron bumping into that anode.

Isn't that ionic?

"How was your date?" "Let's just say it ended on a positive..."

"Oh snap! Tell me more!"

"She gave me AIDS."

This year was especially tough for my family - we lost over 20 family members. Despite all this, I learned to look positive at things...


(btw, why GMail keeps putting these mails in spam?)

What positive quality about someone also tells you something negative about them?

Their HIV test

Sir you tested positive for opiates

Me: I had a bagel for breakfast that morning
Doctor: You also tested positive for marijuana, alcohol, cocaine, methamphetamine and just about every other drug
Me:...It was an everything bagel

In some languages, a double negative carries the negation through to its target. So in "I don't have no pencil," the "no" in "no pencil" indicates what I don't have. In others, while incorrect, a double negative is a positive. But, there is no known language where a double positive is a negative.

Yeah, right.

Be Positive

A good friend passed away here at the office today. There was an accident in the mailroom and his bleeding could not be controlled. EMS arrived immediately but were unable to slow the bleeding enough. The ems team could not figure out quickly enough what Jason's blood type was either so saving him t...

I was assigned AB positive blood type at birth, but I identify myself as having B negative blood.

After all, blood is fluid.

My aim in life is to turn negative into positive...

...which is how I lost my job at AIDS clinic.

By Andrew Lawrence

I never realized what a positive person I was...

Before I took a drug test.

Scientists use both positive and negative conditioning to teach cats to speak.

In a group of cats, a tutor would reward an individual cat who said "me" with the best food at feeding time. In another experiment, a researcher would apply mild electric shocks to the subject cat until it said "ow".

The lead scientist said they've had some success, however they weren't sure...

Do you think Charlie Sheen admitted to being HIV positive on national television...

because it was easier than making phone calls?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
Alwayz a very happy ending f...

There is one positive thing about a group of horses going to the glue factory...

they'll really stick together.

When learning how to fly

its important to maintain a positive altitude.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went on a positive thinking course

It was shit

What is positive about beeing blonde?

You are allowed to park your car in the disabled spot

(Dont know if it have been done before, no energy to scroll through the endless thread)

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

Mom always told me to be positive...

So in a way, this pregnancy test is actually her fault.

I wanted to donate blood, but they rejected me.

They asked if I was positive.

I said "Yes, I'm sure of it"

What’s the difficulty when your ex calls to tell you she got tested positive for HIV?

To seem to be surprised

Why do the Autobots have a positive outlook on the future?

Because their leader is Optimist Prime.

What is one positive thing that's actually really negative?

A pregnancy test

Being dyslexic hasn't stopped me from having a positive outlook on life..

Because when life gives you melons, make melonade.

Think Positive for 2018. Jonathan Ross was out walking when he was knocked to the ground by a giant dog which stood over him barking. He thought..

..it's good to have a woof over your head.

One positive of Arnold Palmer's passing...

He's six under for the first time in years...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.