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What’s the similarity between having sex and bungee jumping?

If the rubber breaks, you’re doomed.

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Pregnant Girlfriend Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms every time we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't.

Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story. A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts Bang at the tiger. The tiger died.

Guy...

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

It it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it it.

I made this joke up on the way home from work, sorry if it sucks: A history teacher tells a failing student that those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

Student: But history is so boring!

Teacher: Well, if you don't do better you'll be retaking it next year.

Student: What??

Teacher: I TOLD you, those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it!

Whoever invented police helicopters doomed us all

Everything’s gonna happen now that pigs can fly

Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?

Because of all the red flags.

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Two frat guys are stranded in the middle of the ocean

Brad and Chad have been stuck in a lifeboat for weeks. They're out of water and supplies, and they're sure they're doomed.

They notice a sealed bottle bobbing toward their boat and scoop it out of the water. They open it up, and a genie pops out.

"Thank you for freeing me!" the genie s...

If the average world temperature rises 2 degrees Celsius, mankind is doomed.

That is why America measures temperature in Fahrenheit.

I should have known my relationship was doomed when my girlfriend made me watch the Vietnamese Independence Day parade.

There were so many red flags.

The marriage of Charles and Diana was doomed from their wedding night....

...that's when Diana discovered that not all rulers are 12" long.

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Why was Hitler doomed to fail?

because jew wrongs don't make a riech

Got stuck behind a tractor on the way to work this morning. The bloke on top wouldn't stop screaming "We're all doomed! The end of the world is nigh! Repent!"

Turned out it was Farmer Geddon

Age brings wisdom

A cruel pet owner abandons his old dog in the deepest jungles of Africa. Wandering around, the poor old dog notices a leopard coming rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

Just then, the old dog noticed some bones laying on the ground close by. 
The dog immediately se...

My grandfather was an old nautical engineer who tried to warn everyone on the Titanic that they were doomed

First he yelled at the passengers while they boarded...he was ignored

Then he yelled at the Captain and the First Mate...he was ignored

Then as he continued to yell his warnings; people began to tell him to be quiet and that he was crazy

Eventually, after all his yelling; Securi...

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

"Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it."

In which case, there sure are a lot of amnesiacs on this subreddit.

Two men crash a plane on a deserted island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

They both survive the crash. Then just after their terrible ordeal one of the men walks all over the entire island and comes to the conclusion that there is no food or fresh water. He goes back to where his friend is to explain their predicament.

"I've searched this entire island and haven't...

Do you know the story of the boy named Bonnie?

There once was a boy named Bonnie who was constantly harassed for his goofy name. He thought he was doomed to never find love because of it, but one day, he met a beautiful girl who didn't care, and they fell in love, got married, and had a child, a beautiful baby girl. But Bonnie was worried. "What...

TIL that in the '60s, Liverpool FC tried to get Yul Brynner to advertise their own-brand aftershave.

Sadly, it was doomed to fail because...

Yul never wore cologne.

In Celebration of my Cake Day, here's a terrible joke: the Olympic Swimmer and his Son

Michael was a famous Olympic Swimmer. Recently retired, it was his dream to continue his legacy by teaching his son the art of swimming. They had practiced for years, and when Michael's son was ready, he was entered into his first ever tournament.

The first round was easy. After all, t...

Startup idea: A robotic arm that automatically swaps out your NES cartridges for you.

Sure, you say it's a ludicrous idea, that it wouldn't have worked even if it was 30 years ago, the market doesn't exist, it's doomed to fail, etc.



But I'm telling you, it's gonna be a game changer.

The homecoming dance

A somewhat socially awkward lad asked a girl he liked to the homecoming dance, and she said yes.

The boy asked his dad for advice, and his dad gave him several tips: get her a nice corsage that matches your boutonniere, show up 10 minutes early to pick her up and speak pleasantly and respect...

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A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.... [Dad Joke]

A teenager was sick and tired of his parents.

He decided that he needed them gone. As he was walking, he saw a man with a sign that said “Homeless vet. Need money.”

“Perfect,” he thought, and approached the veteran. They negotiated a deal, but the teen had no money - but, he figured,...

The Johnsons are celebrating Christmas...

Little Timmy, who just turned 6, never speaks. He is always silent and all the family thinks he's got some kind of problem.

While all the family is enjoying Christmas evening dinner, suddenly, little Timmy stands up and says:

"-Uncle"

All the family is speechless...

The Crusading Nun.

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tea...

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Smart Dachshund

An rich old lady decides to go on safari in Africa, along with her little pet dachshund, Frankie.
They set up camp and it isn't long before Frankie begins to explore his new surroundings.
Suddenly he finds himself far from the camp and feels eyes on him. Up in a tree is a large jaguar, ready...

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A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO.

Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven.

An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some r...

Why are prisoners incarcerated for life really bad at writing?

They're doomed to never finish their sentences.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead going up a stairway to heaven

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are waiting at the pearly gates. God then says to them "Normally you girls wouldn't be let in, but I'm in a good mood today. In front of you there is staircase of exactly a thousand steps. Every time you take a step up, I will tell you a joke. If you make it all t...

An impotent man robs a sperm bank

An impotent man robs a sperm bank and the judge tells him he has to replace what he's stolen, or else he'll go to jail. Thinking he's doomed, the man turns to his lawyer.

"Don't worry," says the lawyer, "I'm sure I can get you off"

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[Long] My buddy and I were out fishing, when suddenly our boat sank

We both drowned, and I woke up in hell. I see a giant creature slowly walking towards me, when I realize it's the devil himself.

"Welcome to hell!" he yells at me, while guiding me along a long corridor.

"What the hell Satan, why did I end up down here?!" I yelled at him.

"I've...

Naval History Lesson

Long ago, when ships sailed the oceans, a captain would fill a box with maps and navigation charts, and other tools necessary for warfare on the high seas. In preparation for battle, he would call to his first mate to bring him his "War Chest".

Once, a merchant ship was captured by surprise ...

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Rednecks at the Pearly Gates

Three rednecks in Arkansas are out drinking and four wheeling on Christmas Eve. They get drunk as a skunk, hit a tree, and all die and immediately go to heaven.

Saint Peter meets them at the Pearly Gates and tells them that unless they have something on their person that can correspond to the...

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A collection of lawyer jokes.

My grandfather was a lawyer & judge and had a fantastic sense of humor. He has many humorous law books, and the following are some his favorite selections from Larry Wilde's book *The Ultimate Lawyers Joke Book*. Hope you enjoy..

___________________________________________________________...

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

(Translated from Russian)

There is a wolf in the woods with a notebook.

He approaches the squirrel.

"Squirrel, what are you doing tomorrow morning?"

-It seems nothing ...

"All right, then I'll write you down for breakfast." Come - I'll eat you!

Squirrel nods...

There's five people on a plane...

A doctor, a preacher, a lawyer, a young boy, and the pilot.

The pilot comes on the intercom mid-flight screaming "Mayday! Mayday! The plane is going to crash! Now listen up: there's only four parachutes on this plane and five of us, so you guys decide who's staying with the plane, but I'm jum...

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

Those who forget...

Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.

Right Click!

My dad, who is trying to learn how to use a computer, calls me to help him apply for a job online. It was one of those online applications where you can fill in the forms or just paste your resume in a box. I'm at work so, in the essence of saving time, I attempt to walk him through pasting his resu...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

A frog is sitting alone on the Jordan River's banks...

A Frog is sitting alone on the Jordan River's banks, when a long comes a Scorpion.

 

The Scorpion says "Frog, I wish to cross this river, would you please carry me across on your back?"

 

The Frog responds, "We are natural enemies, why should I do that? ...

Messi, Ronaldo and Zlatan died in a car crash and goes to heaven.

The three walks up to God sitting on his throne. God says:
"Messi, what is the best thing about football?"
Messi bows and answers:
"The best thing about football is that I have been able to spread joy to people, earn money for my living and seeing the world." God felt it was a good answer...

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A group of priests stand by the road...

... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious bullshit! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The br...

To the Chicago Cubs

Thanks, you've doomed us all.

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